amy 4-26

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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#1
Apr 26, 2013
 
A

DEAR AMY: I have a very good friend who recently came out of the closet to his parents.

One of his biggest obstacles in making this decision was that he grew up in a conservative military home, and with that came certain expectations. He was a captain of his football team and great in sports in high school. He was (and still is) a jock. He is currently in the military.

When he finally came out, both of his parents were very upset. Since then, his father has slowly come around to the idea. His mother, however, has had a much rougher time.

Right now, she is in a state of total denial. She has essentially severed ties with him, and whenever he tries to bring the subject up to her, she becomes extremely emotional, and either instantly tries to change the subject or begins to verbally abuse him.

To this end, I’ve noticed that a lot of the inhibitions that he first exhibited before coming out to his parents (concerning his masculinity, in particular) are resurfacing. Do you have any advice to offer as to how he should approach his mother?-- A Worried Friend

DEAR WORRIED: Your friend’s first duty is to himself. He must do his best to live an integrated, balanced and authentic life. This is a tall order when you are trying to hide something fundamental about yourself. Now that he has done the hard work of coming out to his parents, he should step back and give them time to adjust their perceptions. He must also accept their unfortunate limitations.

If his mother won’t acknowledge his sexuality when confronted with it, then he should stop confronting her. Her refusal will not change his reality; it will only affect their relationship.

In short, I’m suggesting that he tolerate the fact that she is in denial. He can express to her:“Mom, I know this is hard for you, but I hope and trust that you will accept me as I am. I’m still your son and always will be. Nothing will change that.”

DEAR AMY: My daughter will soon become engaged to a wonderful young man. They plan a spring wedding next year. She has a dear friend who is a photographer.

I believe this friend will offer to take the wedding pictures as her gift. My problem with this is that she is a terrible photographer. Apparently, some people appreciate the dark, shadowy images she creates, but that is not the way I would prefer to remember my only child’s special moment. How can we gracefully decline if the offer is made?-- Perplexed

DEAR PERPLEXED: Accepting or declining this generous gift should be up to your daughter and her fiance. It is their wedding, and they may like this photographer’s work.

If the couple wants to hire a different photographer, it would also be possible to accept this artist’s generous gift by saying,“We’ve hired a photographer, but we would treasure any candid images you could catch for us.” Not having to work full time at this event would enable the photographer to enjoy being a guest — I assume she will be invited to the wedding, regardless of your low opinion of her creative gifts.

DEAR AMY: I am responding to the letter from the very unfortunate “Quilter in a Quagmire,” who had presented her son and daughter-in-law with a baby quilt, only to have it rejected.

My mother-in-law was a quilter. Everyone in the family has at least one quilt she made, and we cherish them. Making a quilt takes many, many hours. It amazes me that someone would not want the gift of a quilt.

I once gave my mother-in-law a plaque which read,“Blessed are the children of the piece makers, for they shall inherit the quilts.” I wish this new grandmother many wonderful hours with her grandchild. I hope he or she will fall in love with the quilt!-- Proud Quilt Owner

DEAR PROUD: I have heard from hundreds of readers singing the praises of quilts. I have my own modest collection, some of which are almost 200 years old, and I agree that they are treasures.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Apr 26, 2013
 

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1 Your good friend ruined his mothers hopes of a grandchild. How selfish.
2 Well, since it's all about YOU and your memories, I suggest you hire two photographers, that way YOU can have the wedding pictures YOU want!
3 Yay 200 year old moldy blankets, what a treasure

Since: Jan 10

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#3
Apr 26, 2013
 

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L1: Honestly? I think you need to butt out. You're overinvolved. It's really none of your business. Has your friend ASKED you for guidance? Probably not. In my experience and observation, most parents who have trouble accepting that their kid is gay take on average about a year to come around and realize that their kid is who he is, it's how he's born. I know a Methodist minister who took about only six weeks to get to full acceptance of his gay son. Mom needs time. She also probably could benefit from PFLAG. Suggest PFLAG to your friend or his mom (or dad), and then I think you need to extract yourself from this FAMILY situation.

L2: It's not your call unless you're paying. THis is your daughter's call. Butt out.(My god, just enjoy the day, they're only PHOTOGRAPHS.)(My professional photographer friend would NEVER do a wedding for free, not even for *me*, whom he's known for 25 years -- he tried that a couple of times and said it was a horrible experience all around.)

L3: I love quilts as well. Not everyone does. Not everyone finds them meaningful.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#4
Apr 26, 2013
 
L1: What Ang said.

L2: "My daughter will soon become engaged to a wonderful young man. They plan a spring wedding next year." Sounds like she's already engaged. In any case, this is not your decision and you need to butt out.

L3: I think the bottom line of this rehash is that people need to communicate better.
animaniactoo

New York, NY

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#5
Apr 26, 2013
 

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Oh LW2 - Hi. Artist here. Guess what? I am the least girly girl kind of person you know. I spend my days utilizing Disney Princess artwork, and making pretty sparkly girly girl stuff.

It bears little resemblance to the stuff I make for my own satisfaction when the spirit moves me. There's a huge probability that you're doing daughter's friend a massive disservice in assuming that she doesn't understand that Wedding Photography is different and wouldn't utilize a different style for it. Or that she isn't capable of it. We may prefer one style but that doesn't mean we don't learn and explore different ones as well.

Apart from the fact that it's not your decision and all that.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#6
Apr 26, 2013
 

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RACE wrote:
1 Your good friend ruined his mothers hopes of a grandchild. How selfish.
2 Well, since it's all about YOU and your memories, I suggest you hire two photographers, that way YOU can have the wedding pictures YOU want!
3 Yay 200 year old moldy blankets, what a treasure
1. Gays have kids one way or another, even bio kids.
2.I agree
3. 200 year old quilts which are not moldy are worth multiple thousands of dollars as folk art.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#7
Apr 26, 2013
 
You guys all have it covered. Nice work!!!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#8
Apr 26, 2013
 

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LW1: Who made this your business? IF he asks for advice, I'd suggest he leave his mother alone for awhile. If she comes around, she comes around; if she doesn't, she doesn't. He should not leave his emotional wellbeing to the outcome of this decision.

LW2: What RACE said.

LW3: OK, my step-mom was a quilter and your letter made me want to puke.(OK, so that a little easier this week, but that's beside the point.) Not everyone feels this way, so stop trying to make them.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#9
Apr 26, 2013
 

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Dont harsh my snark!
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
1. Gays have kids one way or another, even bio kids.
2.I agree
3. 200 year old quilts which are not moldy are worth multiple thousands of dollars as folk art.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#10
Apr 26, 2013
 
1- Gays need to learn to be accepting and tolerant of others, too. Oh, and butt out!

2- That's YOUR opinion. Maybe your daughter and fiance like her work. It's not your wedding, butt out.

3- A 200 year old quilt?!

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

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#11
Apr 26, 2013
 
LW2 reminds me of the family friend we had while I was growing up who was a work colleague of my father's, and a "professional" photographer on the side, meaning evenings and weekends (mostly weddings). He'd been professionally trained and apprenticed, and was a nice guy, but holy geebies what a horrible, horrible photographer. It drove me crazy when I became an adult and people I knew were getting married, my parents would demand that I ensure he was used as their photographer and get angry at me if he wasn't used, even if I only casually knew the bridal couple.

First of all, I can only tell people about a particular service, I cannot demand that they use it. Second, I had no control whatsoever over whatever professional vendor decisions they made. And, finally, I sure wasn't going to recommend him to friends when he was, frankly, the worst photographer around, worst one I've ever seen. I never did manage to get any of that through to them, though, and they continued to inflict him on their own friends and family and colleagues.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

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#12
Apr 26, 2013
 

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1. All you need to do is be supportive. As for him, he should tell mommy that either she's his mother or she's not. He is what he is, and either she can be respectful or she can't. He should stand up to her and, if she wants to be a bitch, then ignore her.

2. It's up to your daughter. It's not about how you want to remember it, it's about how your daughter wants to remember it.

3. Yes, some people like quilts and some don't. And, btw, it is possible to appreciate the value of something and still not like it.

Since: Jan 10

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#13
Apr 26, 2013
 
Meanwhile, a poophead in the WaPo forum is saying that the riots over Stonewall = terrorism.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#14
Apr 26, 2013
 

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LW1: What squishymama said.

LW2: Taking this letter at face value and assuming that as the MOB you have some input, I would tell daughter and photographer friend, "Oh, I have already hired a photographer for the event! I just assumed that you wanted your dear friend to ENJOY the event and not have to work!"

LW3: The bigger problem was the ungratefulness of the recipient.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#15
Apr 26, 2013
 

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L1: You need to say nothing. He needs to get to a place where he accepts that he can't make his mother change and all he can do is be himself. Once he fully accepts himself, things will get better for him.

L2: Hire your own photographer if you must but make sure that photographer has explicit instructions not to disrupt or get in the way of the couple's choice in photographers.

L3: It's like a painting. Some people only see paint on a surface, others see art and the feeling behind it.
animaniactoo

New York, NY

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#16
Apr 26, 2013
 

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RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Meanwhile, a poophead in the WaPo forum is saying that the riots over Stonewall = terrorism.
Her views are so full of cognitive dissonance and strange, unsupported or badly interpreted science that I've been having a hard time talking anything she says seriously for a very long time now.

Since: Jan 10

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#17
Apr 26, 2013
 

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animaniactoo wrote:
<quoted text>
Her views are so full of cognitive dissonance and strange, unsupported or badly interpreted science that I've been having a hard time talking anything she says seriously for a very long time now.
She infuriated me this morning.
animaniactoo

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#18
Apr 26, 2013
 

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RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
She infuriated me this morning.
I don't think she's totally out of her gourd, but pretty close in some ways, and despite the fact that I think she's got a pretty good heart, I'm really just waiting for the cagematch between her and Common_Tater.

Since: Jan 10

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#19
Apr 26, 2013
 

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animaniactoo wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't think she's totally out of her gourd, but pretty close in some ways, and despite the fact that I think she's got a pretty good heart, I'm really just waiting for the cagematch between her and Common_Tater.
Your assessment of M is spot-on, I think. Because sometimes she posts something that makes me do a double-take and think "oh, she's nicer than she seems." And then the 'terrorist' post today just had me shaking my head.

Since: Jan 10

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#20
Apr 26, 2013
 

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And tater has me blocked, which is entertaining. ;)

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