“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 May 17, 2013
DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I have been living together for 10 years. Both of us had previously been married.

When we decided to live together, I was the one who purchased a home with my money. He moved in and indicated that he could only pay a certain amount of "rent" because he was paying maintenance to his ex-wife.

His maintenance payments lasted for four years; it is now 10 years since he moved in, and he is still paying the same amount of rent.

I am constantly told, "It's your house, not mine," and yet he lives here.

I take care of all the bills, while he pays the minimum. He does help somewhat with the lawn work, but even that is sporadic. Both of us have full-time jobs, and to say that I am getting fed up is an understatement.

How do I get out of this relationship gracefully? Every time I want to discuss these problems, he shuts down and walks away or tries to put everything on my shoulders.

I'm getting angry and frustrated. Please help!-- Drowning

DEAR DROWNING: I can't guarantee that severing this relationship will necessarily be "graceful" because it will involve trying to evict someone from a relationship and a home he has had for 10 years. Though it is your home, to get him out of it you may have to jump through some hoops.

The length of your relationship may put you in "common-law spouse" territory. Several states recognize common-law marriages, and you could find that dissolving this union will be more complicated than it was to form it. Additionally, the fact that he has been paying rent to you and has performed some household maintenance means that he has some rights, and you may have to legally evict him.

Of course, your guy may be happy to mosey along, but you should prepare yourself well by gathering all of your records and conferring with a lawyer.

DEAR AMY: In November, my boss told me that he was having car trouble. I offered to pick him up for work since we both live in the same area.

We have been carpooling ever since.

In all this time he has not offered me any gas money. I drove him to the auto repair shop after he advised me that his car was fixed, so I believe his car is operational.

At this point, he has not offered to drive to work.

What should I do? Was P.T. Barnum right when he said, "There's a sucker born every minute"?

Should I start the meter running and ask him for his half of the fare? What should I do?-- HOV Lane Forever

DEAR HOV LANE: P.T. Barnum was right. But don't think of yourself as a "sucker"; more a kind-hearted (and maybe intimidated) employee. It is unethical for him to put you in this position, and yet, here you are.

Your options are to change jobs and move; hire someone to fake a carjacking and scare him into another carpool; deliberately smash your car into a light pole to take it out of commission; or -- yikes -- face this by telling the truth.

Start by admitting how awkward this is and get it out of the way quickly, and then state exactly what you want: "Well, this is pretty awkward at this point, but I've been driving you to and from work for six months now, and I

1) would like to negotiate sharing the cost for fuel."

2) would like you to trade off using my car and yours for the commute."

3) would like to go back to driving on my own."

DEAR AMY: Regarding the letter from "Stuck," the person who had difficulty forgiving others, this quote from Mark Twain vividly reminds me of both the power and comfort forgiveness bestows on the forgiver: "Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." -- Rita in Burbank, Calif.

DEAR RITA: I love this quote and will remember it. Thank you.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 May 17, 2013
L1: I'm not surprised that Amy got common law marriage ALL WRONG. IT doesn't happen automatically by virtue of having lived together for X amount of time. You have to present yourselves as a married couple, for one thing, and there are other criteria that must be met as well. Most states no longer allow for common law marriages anyway (they did get grandfathered in).

Shame on the Chicago Tribune for continuing to give space to someone who is so blatantly and proudly ignorant.

HOWEVER: LW may have to formally evict her boyfriend if he refuses to move out on his own (Illinois is a tough state for people like the LW, for example).

L2: You're not carpooling. You're chauffering.

I don't get this: Don't you have errands to run after work? Groceries? Target? Liquor store? I do. I also have activities after work, like sports, meeting friends for drinks/food, etc. Being someone's daily ride home doesn't work for me. SO you could make post-work plans and tell your boss so he has to drive his own that day.

L3: My favorite writer, sullied by being mentioned in this hack job column.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 May 17, 2013
1 I know a guy named Rocco...He does things.

2 Just say you joined a gym and cant give him a rid anymore.

3 Thats actually a really cool quote!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 May 17, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 I know a guy named Rocco...He does things.
2 Just say you joined a gym and cant give him a rid anymore.
3 Thats actually a really cool quote!
2 - and remember to start skipping meals so you drop some weight, as proof that you're "going to the gym"!
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#5 May 17, 2013
LW1: I son't know why you let him pay less when he was paying his wife. He'd have to live SOMEWHERE and pay rent SOMEWHERE if he wasn't living with you, so why should he get a break? I'd definitely talk to an attorney and see what issues can come up when you ask him to leave. Then tell him to leave.

LW2: I like Red's idea a lot. I am always stopping to do errands, meet friends, etc. after work. I would just start doing that.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 May 17, 2013
LW1: If he thinks it's your house, he should have no problem when you put his stuff on the curb.

But I wonder if he did start paying his fair share, would you still stay in a relationship with him? Or is this just a convenient excuse?

LW2: Unethical? What co-workers do on their own time is their business. If the boss behaves badly in the workplace because the LW stops the free rides, that would unethical. This situation is just awkward.

Follow Red's advice.

LW3: I'd like to crush this rehash under my heel.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 May 17, 2013
Hmmmm...

I lost a month. I must have woke up and may just passed me by!

:D
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#8 May 17, 2013
Team Race today. HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

LW1: Start by telling him, VERY calmly, that this situation is not working for you and that he will have to find another place to live. Remain completely calm, firm, and in control. Give him 30 days in writing.(Check your state laws, but give him the notice regardless.) If he chooses to stay beyond those 30 days, have an attorney write him a letter.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 May 17, 2013
L1: It's called Notice of Eviction. Short letter. If you can read, you can fill it out. You can find it online. You give it to him and it gives him 30 days notice. In Illinois you have created a tenancy. After the 30 days you have to go to court, get a court order to have him evicted and then have the Sheriff throw his butt out if he hasn't left yet. Rocco would be quicker.

L2: I like the idea of saying you have errands and cannot take him for the week.

L3: Like the quote.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#10 May 17, 2013
L1: How do you break up with someone? Tell them.

L2: How do you stop giving someone rides to work? Tell them.

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