“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Aug 27, 2014
DEAR AMY: I am a bisexual woman. I have a date coming up soon with "James," a guy I'm very interested in dating.

I am out of the closet to only a few of my closest friends (not even my family knows yet) because it's all still very new to me, and it's a personal topic. But I'm wondering: Is it the right thing to do to tell James that I am bi, in case this affects his opinion of me and what he potentially wants in a relationship?

If I do tell him, should I do so before our first date, or should I wait to see if our relationship progresses before disclosing this to him? I would feel like I was lying if I was keeping this from him, but it's also something still very sensitive to me.-- Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: If not disclosing something makes you feel like a liar, then disclose it. However, because you asked about timing, in my opinion there is no need to disclose this until you are in a relationship with someone you would like to be sexual with.

You might find it oversharing or off-putting if "James" talked about his sexual history before you had even been out on a date. I see this as a third-date conversation.

DEAR AMY: My husband and I own a lake cottage. I keep in touch with our neighbor over the winter, and our friendship, to this point, has been just between us two women.

Last summer my friend's husband built a dock for us at the cottage. It was a business transaction. Somehow, my friend has got it in her head that my husband is now her friend, and whenever she comes over she goes up to him and gives him a hug and a kiss.

The first time she did it, he was sleeping in the hammock, and she planted one on him, jarring him out of his sleep and struggling not to flip over. Now when my husband sees her coming, he moves out of her way or ignores her, but she still pursues him until he finally surrenders. I know that he is very uncomfortable when she comes around.

I am confused about her actions, too, as this isn't something that I would ever do to a casual acquaintance, let alone my friend's husband.

How can I tell her to stop doing this without making an enemy of her? My first husband was a philanderer, and my current husband sometimes suffers because of my insecurities. But in this situation he is just an innocent victim of her unwanted attentions. What should I do?-- Unhug my Hubby

DEAR UNHUG: Unless your husband is somehow impaired, there is no need for you to protect him from these embraces. If he doesn't like it, he should say something and speak for himself.

On the other hand, you should never make your husband "suffer" because of your own insecurities about your ex. This is your opportunity to work harder on that.

You can also speak for yourself. When someone does something you don't like, you get to say so.

When speaking for yourself, you need to use "I" statements. Keep it simple and clear. Do not jump in to fill any awkward voids, and finish your thought with a question.

Here's an example: "You know, Hilary, it really bothers me when you hug and kiss my husband. Can you stop doing that?"

She will stammer and explain herself and say, "Oh, I always do that. I'm known for my hugs and kisses, all up and down the lake!" You can wait patiently until she's done and if necessary repeat your statement and politely ask her to stop.

DEAR AMY: "Challenged" related a story about her daughter's friend, "Krista." Both mother and daughter had witnessed Krista's mother "yanking Krista around by the hair while insulting her."

You missed the opportunity to tell readers to always report child abuse when they see it.-- Horrified

DEAR HORRIFIED: "Challenged's" direct question was not about reporting abuse (she claimed she had spoken with a social worker), but I agree with you. I was remiss.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Aug 27, 2014
1- yeah, I'm sure he'll have a real problem with that...

2- something tells me this bothers YOU more so than him
Community Disorganizer

Trumbull, CT

#3 Aug 27, 2014
LW 1: Just bring along a girl friend and tag team him

LW 2: She must not be very attractive or your husband would be doing more than hugging and kissing by now.

LW 3: Haven't you realized it by now? Amy misses many opportunities to give out intelligent advice!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Aug 27, 2014
1 The issue is not whether you are bi-sexual or not, the issue is whether you can be monogamous or not. If you cant be monogamous, then tell him up front. It does not matter who else your going to be sleeping with. It's not about your sexuality, but your fidelity.

2 I think your both blowing it out of proportion. A quick hug and a peck on the cheek are not the things you should be stressing over.

3 Yes, report every incident that you perceive as potential abuse. My friend got arrested and when his father bailed him out, he kicked him square in the @ss on the courthouse steps surrounded by cops. You would have had a coronary.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Aug 27, 2014
Lw1: talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words

Lw2: some people hug everyone. I don't see the big deal, but i'm not a tight ass.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#6 Aug 27, 2014
saw a thing on Facebook once, went something like, I tell guys that I'm bi on the first date. Of course, what I don't say is that I mean bi polar

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Aug 27, 2014
LW1: If you are looking for a LTR with him, then wait awhile. If you are not looking to settle down then tell him earlier on (not before first date, however). Ir you tell him too early he’s going to be having images of 3-somes dancing in his head and if you want your relationship to be more than just sex, that is why I would hold off.

LW2: What’s the big deal? Is he scared of girls? What a puss.

I always figure with women, there is no one who can make me do something I don’t want to do and in that sense I’m in control. So I'm comfortable. A hug or a peck would never bother me or make me uncomfortable.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Aug 27, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
I always figure with women, there is no one who can make me do something I don’t want to do and in that sense I’m in control.
So I guess this must mean that men, on the other hand, get to have their way with you...

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Aug 27, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>So I guess this must mean that men, on the other hand, get to have their way with you...
LOL. YEah, that's exactly it!

I actually pretty much let women have their way with me, but that doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with them.

I've been hit on by gay men, but it's just words. That doesn't bother me at all ... it's kind of funny, actually ... but I would say something if they tried to get all touchy feely with me. I wouldn't like being touched by other men.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#10 Aug 27, 2014
LW1: Team Race.

LW2: Most of my friends and acquaintances are the hugging/kissing kind. So I don't think there's anything out of the ordinary about this neighbor. LW is just accustomed to hands-off friendships. I totally agree that it's up to LW's husband to say something if he is uncomfortable. One of the men in my social circle told a mutual friend (a lovely Hawaiian woman who hugs everyone) that he's not a hugger. It was no biggie, now she just tells him "Aloha".

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Aug 27, 2014
Personally, I think lw2 is full of sh!+. I don't think her husband is bothered at all. I think he has already had to deal with the wife's insecurity in a prior incident (or multiple prior incidents) where he was doing nothing wrong and his wife went psycho on him putting him on the defensive. Now he probably does whatever he can not to trigger any similar episodes.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#12 Aug 27, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
Personally, I think lw2 is full of sh!+. I don't think her husband is bothered at all. I think he has already had to deal with the wife's insecurity in a prior incident (or multiple prior incidents) where he was doing nothing wrong and his wife went psycho on him putting him on the defensive. Now he probably does whatever he can not to trigger any similar episodes.
This is exactly what I was thinking. He doesn't avoid it so much because it bothers him but because he doesn't want his wife to lose it.

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