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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Nov 15, 2013
DEAR ABBY: This is my wife's second marriage. When we were dating, she led me to believe that I was the second sexual partner she had ever had. Shortly after our wedding, I found out through some mutual acquaintances she had attended college with that she had been very promiscuous during her college years and that the number of men she has been with is far greater than two.

I feel lied to and trapped in my marriage.(If I had known this, I would not have married her.) She knows I know. She dismissed it by saying the past doesn't matter, but what she fails to recognize is that it matters to me. I can't help but wonder if she has lied to me about something this important, what else will she lie to me about?

I love her and want to stay with her, but I feel betrayed and, frankly, embarrassed by her now. What do I do?-- CONFOUNDED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONFOUNDED: People lie when they feel threatened, when they want to impress someone or when they're ashamed of something. The lie your wife told you may fall into the latter category. She wasn't honest about the number of men she had been with because she knew you would react the way you have.

You say you love her, but if you truly feel embarrassed by the fact that you're not the second man she has slept with, then you either need to change your attitude or do her a favor and think about ending your marriage. From my perspective, the number of lovers she has had since the wedding is far more important than the number she had before.

Please be aware that many women in our society have had multiple partners, so if you're looking to replace your wife anytime soon, you may be hard pressed to find a woman with no experience. If you want to salvage your marriage, I strongly recommend you talk to a therapist, but don't spend your money unless you can forgive your wife for being afraid to tell you the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I have a problem. I recently met a girl in a chat room, and we seemed to hit it off pretty well. As we've been talking, she has told me she is suicidal, and in the past three days she has made three attempts to take her life.(As I'm writing this, she is in the hospital.)

Being a sensitive person, I try to talk her out of it, but she keeps shutting me out, and once she's OK, she is a completely different person. I still want to be her friend, but this is getting to be too much for me. Please help.-- WORRIED IN VERMONT

DEAR WORRIED: You are a caring person, but you must recognize that the girl you are corresponding with is emotionally fragile. Right now she is unable to respond to you and, frankly, you are not equipped to help her. It's good that she is in the hospital because that is where she needs to be until she can be stabilized.

If you continue to stay in touch with her and she tells you again that she is suicidal, you should ask her where she is and if she has done anything to herself. Then call 911 and report it so she can get help quickly.

DEAR ABBY: What do you do with a husband who is loud and rude, who curses constantly and argues with you and the TV, and is a bully to you and your daughter?-- THAT'S IT IN A NUTSHELL

DEAR THAT'S IT: As little as possible!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Nov 15, 2013
1- I agree that most normal men don't want to marry the townwh0re, but this guy's attitude rubs me the wrong way. Dude needs to deal. He shouldn't expect to marry a virgin at his age

2- She's an attention wh0 re and loves the drama. Ignore her.

3- You are stupid

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Nov 15, 2013
1 No mention of getting checked for STD's?? Oh right its the woman sleeping around, not the man. If she lied about how many guys she's banged, I doubt she would lie over something like herpes right?

Yeah, the past if the past bla bla bla, but honestly, if the wife had written this abby would have been all over the dudes character of being a serial liar, and not because he was "ashamed". The double standard at play again. Woman does not fess up and it because she is ashamed, guy does not fess up and its because he is a liar and a cheat.

I could go on, but you guys know my feelings about this stuff.

2 NO abby! He needs to block that chick like yesterday! If he does as you suggest and she is successful in killing herself, the kid will be riddled with guilt. Not his problem, and the only sound thing you said was that he is not equipped to deal with it.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#4 Nov 15, 2013
DEAR ABBY: What do you do with a husband who is loud and rude, who curses constantly and argues with you and the TV, and is a bully to you and your daughter?

Whatever thehell he tells you to do!
Blunt Advice

Suffern, NY

#5 Nov 15, 2013
1. How old are you? If you wanted a virgin, then you shouldn't have married a divorcee. You are in love with an idea, not a person.
2. She will be asking you for money soon. Don't be so gullible to internet con artists.
3. Get a lawyer.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#6 Nov 15, 2013
LW1 - I really wish that people wouldn't be so desperate to get married that they rush into it. Sounds like divorce number two is on the horizon for her. She had to know that he was a judgmental, self-righteous ass before she married him. I hate them both and pray that they do not procreate.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Nov 15, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 No mention of getting checked for STD's?? Oh right its the woman sleeping around, not the man. If she lied about how many guys she's banged, I doubt she would lie over something like herpes right?
Yeah, the past if the past bla bla bla, but honestly, if the wife had written this abby would have been all over the dudes character of being a serial liar, and not because he was "ashamed". The double standard at play again. Woman does not fess up and it because she is ashamed, guy does not fess up and its because he is a liar and a cheat.
I could go on, but you guys know my feelings about this stuff.
2 NO abby! He needs to block that chick like yesterday! If he does as you suggest and she is successful in killing herself, the kid will be riddled with guilt. Not his problem, and the only sound thing you said was that he is not equipped to deal with it.
Anyone notice that LW didn't mention how many girls he has slept with before the wedding?

30 years ago in order to get a marriage license in Illinois, you had to get a blood test for STD's HIV was not wide spread in 1984. I haven't gotten married since then , but I blood tests are still required. In which case, the STD status as of the date of the wedding is fixed.

Even if LW comes to terms with his wife's history or her lie, this will stick in his craw. They will be having a fight in 20 years and he will throw it at her.

LW2 needs to talk to a suicide counselor to get some specific strategies for how to be a caring person, not feel like he has abandoned the girl but to take care of himself first

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#8 Nov 15, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>Anyone notice that LW didn't mention how many girls he has slept with before the wedding?

30 years ago in order to get a marriage license in Illinois, you had to get a blood test for STD's HIV was not wide spread in 1984. I haven't gotten married since then , but I blood tests are still required. In which case, the STD status as of the date of the wedding is fixed.

Even if LW comes to terms with his wife's history or her lie, this will stick in his craw. They will be having a fight in 20 years and he will throw it at her.

LW2 needs to talk to a suicide counselor to get some specific strategies for how to be a caring person, not feel like he has abandoned the girl but to take care of himself first
In NJ and CA, they are not required. Why would IL require STD testing? I can see testing to determine of you were related, but what business it is of the state's if you have an STD?

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#9 Nov 15, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>In NJ and CA, they are not required. Why would IL require STD testing? I can see testing to determine of you were related, but what business it is of the state's if you have an STD?
Ok did some research , which I should have done in the first place. http://usmarriagelaws.com/search/united_state...

Only Connecticut, Indiana and Mississippi still require blood tests. I still think that is ridiculous.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#10 Nov 15, 2013
A very long and detailed answer to my query, in case anyone is interested . Where is everyone today?

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1144...

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Nov 15, 2013
LW1: I hate it <gollum> when I agree with the dog. <gollum, golllum> This dude is coming off as a judgemental d!ck.

LW2: What PE said. Talk to someone who knows what they're talking about and can give you actually helpful advice.

LW3: What's with the almost-sarcastic response to what seems like a real problem, Abby? You could of at least told her to get a divorce lawyer.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#12 Nov 15, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
In NJ and CA, they are not required. Why would IL require STD testing? I can see testing to determine of you were related, but what business it is of the state's if you have an STD?
I seem to remember that having a loathsome disease such as syphilis was an impediment to marriage an may have been a basis for annulment if not disclosed. In addition, the state had an interest in public health of treating STD's and preventing transmission to babies in utero.

DNA testing was not available to test for consanguinity. FWIW, Illinois' rules against marrying a blood relatives only apply to people, possibly only women under 50. That was considered the oldest age you could breed. It prevented inbreeding. After ( presumed) menopause Illinois didn't care. they may still not. I haven't read the statute lately and there have been some, ah, changes lately

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#13 Nov 15, 2013
I answered before I saw your research; good to know the long term memory is intact

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Nov 15, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
A very long and detailed answer to my query, in case anyone is interested . Where is everyone today?
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1144...
Perused it. Makes sense. When I got married you had to have a blood test. I really didn't think anything of it.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Nov 15, 2013
L1: This LW is a creep and he belongs in the 1700's. If it does bother you that much, let her go and go search for your virgin. Your wife doesn't need to be brow-beaten about what happen long ago. Geesh!

L2: What Abby said.

L3: I'd call him an ex-husband.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#16 Nov 15, 2013
LW1 - If the LW has only had 2 partners, I'll eat my hat! And if he has only had 2 partners, I'll apologize.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#17 Nov 15, 2013
LW1: Your wife doesnít get to decide what should matter to you when looking for a spouse. She gets to decide what is important to her. Not that I think itís realistic, but you get to decide what is important to you.

Lying about something that the other finds important is also not okay.

Given that this is how you feel, your feelings are quite natural. Seeing as how she doesnít seem to take you seriously or things you find important seriously and despite this you love her and still want to be with her, I say just keep being a doormat.

LW2: Way too much dramaÖ Way too emotionally invested in a stranger who provides way too much drama...

LW3: Iíd tell the woman who was stupid enough to marry him that she chose unwisely.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#18 Nov 15, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Perused it. Makes sense. When I got married you had to have a blood test. I really didn't think anything of it.
I passed out when I had to take mine,(I warned them). I should have taken the hint.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#19 Nov 15, 2013
1: I will stand up for lw if no one else will.
Everyone has deal-breakers. I refuse to date a smoker. If I was lied to about it and found out after the marriage, I would feel the same way.

The guy was lied about an important part of her. She started the union (a teammate in the highest regard) with distrust, which is unaceptable.

He didn't say he necessarily wanted a virgin, but not a slut who lies about her past.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#20 Nov 15, 2013
2: Ugh, teenage drama..."attempted" repeated means attention seeker.

3: Ask yourself why you settled for this cad and why showing your daughter this is an "acceptable" marriage is alright with you.

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