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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Apr 22, 2014
Dear Amy: My husband's mother became ill this winter. She's youngish (early 60s) and recovered fairly quickly, but has to have more surgery this spring to put everything back in place.

She asked my husband to come out and take care of her for a few days when she is released from the hospital.

My problem is that she did not ask me if this is OK. She is not taking into consideration the amount of stress she will place on our family when he's gone. She has a husband, sister and two daughters who live near her. We are a 3-1/2-hour plane trip away. My husband is the sole provider for our family, and we have three young children.

I feel the amount of stress I will have when he is away is too much when she has other support close by. I gave him my blessing to go there for the initial surgery to make sure everything goes smoothly, but she is taking advantage of the situation to ask him to come home again. What's your take?ó Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: My take is that you feel overwhelmed and resentful that your husband has made a choice to be with his mother while she recovers from her reconstructive surgery.

If she had approached you before making this request, it might have made you feel better by being included. But, honestly, does she need your permission to ask her son to do something for her?

Answer: No.

Would your mother need your husband's permission to ask you to come home? I hope not.

This falls into the category of: "Stuff happens." I can certainly see why it would be inconvenient and even unnecessary for your husband to make this long trip. But because he is doing it you need to assume he wants to. He is the one with whom you should negotiate.

Dear Amy: I have been married to my high school sweetheart for three years and we are expecting our first child next month (which we are both excited about). Our marriage is hot and cold. Basically we are polar opposites. I'm only 30 years old, and I already feel like we're an old married couple. To be honest, I feel bored and like I've almost checked out emotionally.

I've always had a huge crush on one of my wife's oldest and best friends (who I've also known since high school). I'm not delusional when I say that this feeling is mutual. Over the years we have been very flirtatious. She is someone I am very physically attracted to, we are interested in similar things, and even our parents are similar. I feel that we would have had a great family dynamic. I can't stop thinking about her.

I've told her how I feel but she never responded or reciprocated. She has only smiled back and gives me a look like I should stop. I feel frustrated that we will never be together, and deep down I feel angry for never making a clean break with my wife and pursuing a relationship with her.

I'm tired of feeling like I've made a mistake. How can I overcome this?ó Sad Almost Dad

Dear Dad: You are married. You have a baby on the way. It is pretty common at your stage in life to feel confused and/or trapped. But this is the life you have made for yourself, and you should work harder to make it a good one, rather than fantasize about ditching it.

You really should see a professional counselor to sort this out. Leaving your marriage may not rectify the "mistake" you feel you've made, but dealing with your panic will definitely help.

Dear Amy: You must not be in your right mind in your response to "Too Much Contact." It is never right to call someone on their honeymoon unless there is a real emergency.

But perhaps it is the bride's fault for letting her parents know where they were going to be.ó Shocked Reader

Dear Shocked: With cellphones, where you are doesn't matter, and calls are easy to dodge.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Apr 22, 2014
1 Call the waaaambulance. Deal dolt.
2 Call the waaaambulance. Deal dolt.
3 There is already a miss manners TYVM.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Apr 22, 2014
Lw1: She does not need to ask you. Any problem you may have with him going out there is for you and him to discuss. He can always tell her he is unable to help, but her asking you instead of him is stupid

Lw2: what amy said

Lw3: i don't recall the letter, but other than calling in the middle of the night, i feel zero responsibility as a caller to try to time my calls for when i think it might be convenient to the person i am calling. That's what voice mail is for. If my call is not at a convenient time, I can leave a message.
pde

Bothell, WA

#4 Apr 22, 2014
LW1: the way it goes is that your MIL asks your husband, your husband discusses the situation with you, and you and your husband come to an agreement on whether you can handle the house while he's away or whether his mother's request is impossible. Then, your husband tells your MIL of your mutual decision.

Your MIL doesn't need to ask you before asking your husband. Your husband needs to take you into consideration before giving her any answer.

LW2: you sound like a dolt. Usually the look like you should stop means "there's no chance in hell even if you were single" and if you choose to divorce your wife, you'd better understand you're not likely to move into a relationship with your wife's friend. In fact, you're likely to never see her again, as she chooses to support your wife.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#5 Apr 22, 2014
1- I rather liked Amy's answer. And geez lady, can you go a few days without your man? You sound ridiculously clingy and needy

2- you need to quit fantasizing and deal with the life you've got. The grass ain't always greener and I think pde is right

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Apr 22, 2014
LW1: Your husband should have discussed it with you. Itís not his motherís fault that he did not. I also think you are making a huge deal about him being gone for a few days. You donít even work outside of the home. If you canít manage 3 kids by yourself for a few days without having a temper tantrum, you shouldnít have had 3 kids.

LW2: Why donít you take the initiative and involve your wife in things you enjoy, instead of fantasizing about some woman who you will never have.

I also do think you are delusional to say the feeling is mutual. If it were mutual, she would have responded to your overtures and would not give you a look indicating that you should stop. If she has any integrity, sheís not going to hook up with her oldest and best friendís husband no matter how much you pine for her. Thatís just a line that a lot of people wonít cross.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#7 Apr 22, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: Your husband should have discussed it with you. Itís not his motherís fault that he did not. I also think you are making a huge deal about him being gone for a few days. You donít even work outside of the home. If you canít manage 3 kids by yourself for a few days without having a temper tantrum, you shouldnít have had 3 kids.
LW2: Why donít you take the initiative and involve your wife in things you enjoy, instead of fantasizing about some woman who you will never have.
I also do think you are delusional to say the feeling is mutual. If it were mutual, she would have responded to your overtures and would not give you a look indicating that you should stop. If she has any integrity, sheís not going to hook up with her oldest and best friendís husband no matter how much you pine for her. Thatís just a line that a lot of people wonít cross.
All of this.

LW1 made a small point with the proximity of the other siblings, but overall still comes across as self-centered, whiny, controlling and needy. And jealous.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Apr 22, 2014
LW1: The only reason I can see you being in the least upset about this is if your husband does not get any PTO and consequently does not get paid for the time he is helping his mother. Since you don't specifically mention this, I'm guessing it's not the case and you're just salty.

I'm also guessing that there's some family dynamic going on here that the LW does not want to mention.

LW2: You felt this way and yet still got your wife pregnant. Nice.

Stop fantasizing and start being a father.

LW3: I love Amy-is-superior rehashes. They are sooo tasty!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Apr 22, 2014
L1: The LW sounds like someone who likes to blame someone else besides her husband or herself when something doesn't go quit how she would like. Of course her husband should discuss it with her and not her MIL.

L2: You're a douchebag.

L3: Well, at least I don't remember the rehash.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#10 Apr 22, 2014
I agree with all of you on LW1. She seems like she can't cope on her own.

LW2 is a complete idiot. You guys got that covered, too.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Apr 22, 2014
squishymama wrote:
LW1: The only reason I can see you being in the least upset about this is if your husband does not get any PTO and consequently does not get paid for the time he is helping his mother.
Even if this were true, any anger she has needs to be directed at her husband. When you need a favor from someone, its not your job to clear it with everyone in that person's life before asking.
squishymama wrote:
I'm also guessing that there's some family dynamic going on here that the LW does not want to mention.
Probably spot on

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#12 Apr 22, 2014
1. Oh please you are much to immature to have gotten married, much less having THREE kids. You made some poor choices for yourself. Grow up. Without your mil you wouldn't have your husband. It's only for a few days. Call a friend.

2. You are a clueless jerk. You should have divorced your wife BEFORE you chose to have a child. I imagine you'll soon be writing Amy to ask if it's alright to have an affair with your child's kindergarten teacher. Do your wife a favor and divorce her now, she deserves better than you.

3. You needed to write in about this? Get a life!

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#13 Apr 22, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: Your husband should have discussed it with you. Itís not his motherís fault that he did not. I also think you are making a huge deal about him being gone for a few days. You donít even work outside of the home. If you canít manage 3 kids by yourself for a few days without having a temper tantrum, you shouldnít have had 3 kids.
LW2: Why donít you take the initiative and involve your wife in things you enjoy, instead of fantasizing about some woman who you will never have.
I also do think you are delusional to say the feeling is mutual. If it were mutual, she would have responded to your overtures and would not give you a look indicating that you should stop. If she has any integrity, sheís not going to hook up with her oldest and best friendís husband no matter how much you pine for her. Thatís just a line that a lot of people wonít cross.
Well said!
Cass

Pomona, CA

#14 Apr 22, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 Call the waaaambulance. Deal dolt.
2 Call the waaaambulance. Deal dolt.
3 There is already a miss manners TYVM.
Oh, goody. I don't have to type more than two sentences.:-)
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#15 Apr 22, 2014
Have nothing but contempt for LW2.
Kuuipo

Seaside, CA

#16 Apr 22, 2014
LW1: You are creating a lot of unnecessary drama over a few days away from your husband. You can deal with this. Really. <insert eye roll>

LW2: What everyone said. There are certain people who are totally off-limits. High on the off-limits list is your spouse's best friend. And like Sublime says, if the friend has an ounce of integrity, she wouldn't consider it for a moment. She already gave you the don't-go-there look. Trust me, she meant it. We all have fantasies, but it is time to get real. The grass is not greener over there. You need to do everything possible to forget this fantasy and get back on track with the life you have. You will soon be a father. Your son or daughter will look to you to set the example for his or her life. It's time to grow up and be the best man that you can be for your child's sake, and for your own.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#17 Apr 22, 2014
1.LW says he husband is the only breadwinner. To me that sounds like he is losing pay to do this, a legitimate concern for a wife with young kids.

Also, the proximity of other subs suggests the husband should be able to make this a long weekend which is way different than taking a couple weeks. In fact LW says it is just for a few days

Besides, her FIL is there. If MIL needs active nursing she would be in a rehab center, not home.

My guess is that MIL wants some alone time with her son and without high strung DIL/LW and the kids, It's only a few days for C's sake.

2.Has anyone else encountered that sub-species of a*sholes being the guys with very pregnant ( or recently post surgical) wives who get antsy and want to fool around?

I have encountered a handful over the years, enough to recognize it. Scumbags.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#18 Apr 22, 2014
2: What everyone else has said - that the m-i-l does not need your permission to ask her son for a favor. It is up to your husband to discuss it with you first before responding to his mom's request. And it shouldn't be, "Sure if my wife agrees." It should be more like, "I will have to discuss this with my wife to make sure we don't have any other commitments."

I will concede there are some situations that make it more reasonable that he not go. You say hubby is the sole support of the family. Does that mean he can't take time off work without losing his paycheck or perhaps even his job? That might be a reasonable excuse if you are having financial difficulties. It might also be reasonable if he's self-employed and it might mean losing clients if they can't get hold of him. Do any of your kids have special needs? Depending on what those needs are, that might be a good reason for their dad to stay home. You didn't mention any of these factors so most of us will assume they do not apply to your family situation.

Last, but not least: your kids are watching what the two of you are doing in regard to caring for his sick mother. They will learn from example. So now you should think what you might need as you get older and whether you'd want your kids to step up and help out. If you think you may want their help, you need to show that you support your husband in helping his mom. Your complaining will only tell your kids that elderly parents should not expect help from their children and they are likely to follow that advice/example as they grow up and you grow old.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#19 Apr 22, 2014
Whoops, that should have been #1, not 2. Sorry.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#20 Apr 22, 2014
PEllen wrote:
I have encountered a handful over the years, enough to recognize it. Scumbags.
Sheesh, bitter much? Maybe if women didn't turn into needy, whiney witches when they're pregnant or post op, their man wouldn't be as inclined to want to sniff around elsewhere

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