abby 10-6-13

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Oct 6, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I am the oldest of four children. I grew up in a family that looked perfect from the outside, but was far from it. My parents tried to shield us from most of the problems, but because I'm the oldest, I remember a lot.

My parents both had affairs. My siblings recently learned about the affair Dad had because Mom told them, but they have no idea about the one Mom had. Because of this, my brother hardly speaks to Dad.

Mom was diagnosed with a mental disorder when I was a child. I remember her violent outbursts. I know Dad stayed only for us. We're all adults now, and my parents are divorced. My mother plays the victim and my brother blames Dad for everything. It breaks my heart.

I have tried to convince Mom to stop trying to hurt Dad through my brother, but she won't. I want my family to be able to attend milestones without turmoil. I don't know how to make this better. Please help.-- DOESN'T WANT THE TURMOIL

DEAR DOESN'T: Making this better may take the help of a licensed professional and some family counseling -- provided everyone is willing to cooperate. But don't count on your mother. She doesn't appear to be interested in healing any breaches. I do think, however, that because you are all adults, your siblings should know the entire story about your parents' infidelities -- particularly your brother, so his relationship with Dad can be repaired.

DEAR ABBY: Our son recently told us he will be proposing to his girlfriend before Christmas. We're happy for him, but concerned that he'll want to get married next year, which will be our 25th anniversary. We can't afford to celebrate our 25th the way we want to and help with their expensive wedding. We have been planning this for years, and we don't want to sacrifice our celebration for their plans.

We think they should either postpone the wedding or pay for it themselves. We have always taken care of our son, but we feel 2014 is "our" time. Are we wrong, and how can we tell him without feeling guilty?-- PARENTS OF THE FUTURE GROOM

DEAR PARENTS: While you have always taken care of your son, he is an adult now and you should be able to communicate with him on an adult level. Tell him how pleased you are that he and his girlfriend are planning to be married, but that you will be unable to contribute financially because you're celebrating your 25th in 2014 and can't afford to do both.

Not all couples marry soon after becoming engaged. Some wait a year or longer, and more and more couples pay for their own weddings these days, so don't feel guilty.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a man for the last three years who is very much my senior. His children are also much older than I am, and there is a mutual awkwardness when we interact. My boyfriend does the best he can to ease the situation, but it is painfully obvious that they are uncomfortable with our relationship and my presence. What can I do to show them I want to be viewed as family, too?-- UNWELCOME IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR UNWELCOME: There is nothing you can do. But there is something your boyfriend can do. He can make it clear to his adult children that unless they make you feel more welcome than they have done, they will be seeing less of both of you.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Oct 6, 2013
I understand where Amy is coming from in Ltr 1 but I think Bro will not see it as a reason he should reconcile with Dad

LW2 for some reason sounds like a aging Bridezilla who is ticked off her cousin is getting married the same month she is. There is just something that rubs me wrong about this. Does son know of the 25th anniversary plans?

Ltr3 Take your clues from Anna Nicole Smith and do the opposite
Cass

Claremont, CA

#3 Oct 6, 2013
PEllen wrote:
I understand where Amy is coming from in Ltr 1 but I think Bro will not see it as a reason he should reconcile with Dad
LW2 for some reason sounds like a aging Bridezilla who is ticked off her cousin is getting married the same month she is. There is just something that rubs me wrong about this. Does son know of the 25th anniversary plans?
Ltr3 Take your clues from Anna Nicole Smith and do the opposite
You've saved me writing anything lengthier than one sentence twice today.:-)
pde

Davis Junction, IL

#4 Oct 6, 2013
Lw2: I thought that traditionally, the groom's parents only paid for the rehearsal dinner.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#5 Oct 6, 2013
1: Yes, tell your siblings about your mom's affair and about her behavior before her diagnosis. She's playing games and your siblings deserve to know the truth. Do not keep this kind of secret from them. It won't necessarily make your brother's relationship with your dad any better but it will help clear the air and you won't have to worry about keeping a secret that should not be a secret in the first place.

2: Really? You've spent YEARS saving for this anniversary but it will only take ONE year to save for your son's wedding? I'm having difficulty getting my mind around this one. I'm thinking you really do not like this girl very much and are using the anniversary excuse to put off the wedding. Either that or you just can't stand the idea of not being the center of attention. If I were your future d-i-l, I'd say, "We don't need a fancy wedding; we're going to be married by a JP and simply have a private celebration with just me and your son." Tread carefully, your entire future relationship with your son and future d-i-l might be at risk here. But if this is a true situation, just tell your son what your financial situation is and how much if anything you'll be able to contribute to the wedding.

3: Honey, they see you as a bimbo looking for a main chance. They don't see you as someone who shared a history similar, if not the same, as their dad. They see you as someone who is going to replace themselves and their children in his affections. They see this as an old man's attempt to regain his youth. And last, but not least, they fear for their inheritance. So tell your boyfriend that he should tell them that if and when you marry, that you will sign a pre-nupt forsaking most of his fortune - that you will be limited in how much you can claim should there be a divorce or when he dies.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#6 Oct 6, 2013
1- Tell your brother to screw off.

2- Relax, the wedding will be paid by the BRIDE'S parents.

3- What the hell is the matter with you?? Do you love grandpa, or his money? There's no way to end the awkwardness of a 20 yr old dating an 80 yr old. Get used to it.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#7 Oct 6, 2013
1: You've tried convincing your mentally unstable, violent mother to play nice? That's cute...why in the world are you keeping her affair a secret? Idiot.

2: You have the groom, the easy job. I get the basic premise of the letter, but the greed and selfishness of it tastes funky.

3: You're too immature if you can't understand why his children act cooly towards you.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#8 Oct 6, 2013
LW2: Wow. There are few things more unattractive than a bridezilla, but you're mighty close, lady. Me! Me! ME! ME! ME! WAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Grow the F up.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Oct 6, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
1: You've tried convincing your mentally unstable, violent mother to play nice? That's cute...why in the world are you keeping her affair a secret? Idiot.
This.
Pippa wrote:
2: Really? You've spent YEARS saving for this anniversary but it will only take ONE year to save for your son's wedding?....you just can't stand the idea of not being the center of attention.
This.
Pippa wrote:
they see you as a bimbo...They see you as someone who is going to replace themselves and their children in his affections....they fear for their inheritance.
This

That was easy.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Oct 7, 2013
L1: The siblings will continue to believe what they will. Go ahead, tell them. At lesat they have all the information. It probably won't make a bit of difference. Go get counselling for yourself to learn how to deal with siblings in denial.

L2: I agree with Pippa and PEllen. This does not pass the smell test.

L3: I agree with Chel.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 9 min positronium 1,277,225
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 11 min Rogue Scholar 05 196,969
Topix Chitown Regulars (Aug '09) 25 min RACE 100,651
Black lives matter 32 min reality is a crutch 4
News Violence leaves 3 dead, 5 injured across city 36 min reality is a crutch 1
News Once slow-moving threat, global warming speeds ... (Dec '08) 2 hr Earthling-1 54,551
News Doctor disciplined for allegedly chastising Chi... (Jul '09) 2 hr pailrider 161
More from around the web

Personal Finance

Chicago Mortgages