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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 May 16, 2013
DEAR AMY: I am a divorced woman about to turn 50 in a loving relationship with a man the same age. We live two hours away from each other but see each other every week.

My guy has a 21-year-old daughter who lives with him. She is rude, has no household responsibilities, has no job and no driver's license, has been in community college for two years and needs another two to receive her associate degree. She totally relies on her dad for everything! In the beginning, she also came along on some of our dates!

I have talked to him about her reliance on him, her behavior and her lack of maturity. He says he is working with her on growing up. In the past, he had a second marriage that failed. He says she does not like her mom and had a terrible relationship with her stepmother. She has no female friends.

We have talked about marriage, but we are both still cleaning up some of the mistakes of our past. I am not in a hurry to marry and will not move into a house under these conditions. However, I do want to marry him and make a life together before I am 60.

Is there hope for a future with this wonderful man?-- Worried

DEAR WORRIED: It sounds as if you're willing to devote up to a decade for your guy's daughter to grow up and develop a life of her own. However, in 10 years, all of you in this triangle may only be 10 years older, not 10 years smarter.

The pattern so far in this man's life is that his relationship with his daughter is the primary one for him. Do you want to spend the next 10 years of your life correcting and trying to control this pair?

You should face your future with the idea that, realistically, if you choose to be in a family with him, you will also be in a family with her. I suggest you continue to enjoy him at a distance. Given the dynamic in his household, distance sounds ideal.

DEAR AMY: You ran a letter in your column from the gentleman whose wonderful wife always found a new deficiency he was asked to correct. This resonated with me.

Not only does my wife do the same thing, but she accuses me of not being "accountable." I am not her employee; I am a faithful husband who was a good provider, allowing us to comfortably retire early.

I do most of the grocery shopping and cooking, everything with our finances, nearly all the trip-planning, yardwork, and all the snow and garbage removal.

I am not a slob. Unfortunately, I am and always have been a tad absent-minded (e.g., leaving lights and TVs on after I have left the room), which drives my perfectionist wife nuts.

She is always lamenting that no one in this world is accountable anymore, me included. My wife is intelligent, thoughtful and kind, but her negativity over the accountability issue (with me and the rest of the world) has me beaten down.

I thought retirement was a time to enjoy our lives together. Suggestions?-- Sad Husband

DEAR SAD: If this is all about accountability, then what about your wife? She doesn't take responsibility for the negative pressure she puts on you (and others). Her refusal to imagine what it is like to be on the receiving end of her negativity tells me that she is not willing to be accountable. Evidently everyone else must change, but she needn't.

I wonder if she is able to make a deal. If you could change one bad habit, could she change one of hers? Can she be accountable? You should ask her.

It's worth a conversation.

DEAR AMY: Your assumptions about a "creepy" neighbor of "Parents in a Quandary" concern me. As young adults (ages 19 and 20), the sons of these parents are legally entitled to have any relationship they want with anyone they want.-- Not in a Quandary

DEAR NOT: You are absolutely correct. But this fact doesn't change the concerns of these parents, only their ability to do anything about it.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 May 16, 2013
1Makes me wonder about the woman who had dated before,or indeed his ex-wife and whether he was as clueless about them as well. Amy's advice is okay, but why hasn't she done this before?

2Your wife won't change. Get different hearing aids- it will make the world of difference

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 May 16, 2013
1 No matter what, the daughter will always be part of the family, so I dont know why lamy would think to mention it. But that aside, the dad probably feels guilty over the marriage breaking up and is trying to make up for it.

2 How about you foist some of the household chores on her, and them make her accountable. She's forced into a management position because you wont let her be a worker bee.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 May 16, 2013
L1: This guy has shown you very clearly who he is: A parent who failed at his job and continues to fail. Why on earth would you want to permanently and legally attach yourself to someone like this? I think Amy gave good advice.

L2: Ugh, your wife sound HORRIBLE. Next time she picks at you, tell her simply to shut UP already. I don't think she deserves any respect -- she sounds like a complete nag and a B.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 May 16, 2013
LW1: I don't know what you think Amy can do for you. She can't make this adult child grow up, she can't give your bf a spine to deal with his adult child, and she certainly can't decide for you if you can put up with this for the rest of your life.

LW2: Maybe you should take your accountable azz to a divorce lawyer. Even though you describe her as kind, this type of behavior is anything but.

LW3: The only quandry here is why Amy keeps running this effing rehash.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#6 May 16, 2013
1: Agree with Angela; he has failed at parenting. Also agree with RACE; she will always be part of his family. I think that the daughter is "only" 21 and 21 year old's, as a rule,(exceptions of course) don't know what they're doing with their lives yet. I think the father needs to put more effort into helping his daughter find some direction...and make the effort. I also think LW might have just a touch of "doesn't want daughter in the picture."

I realize a bunch of people are going to say that she's 21, she's an adult, she isn't his responsibility, etc. While that is true, the reality is that most kids aren't really all grown up and ready to be on their own at that age. Back (in the dark ages) when *I* was a kid they were, but times have changed and kids are too coddled, so there is a whole generation coming of age who need more help with launching their lives than they did in the past. On the upside, it doesn't looklike it's getting any better...too many indulgent parents, so, yay.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#7 May 16, 2013
2: Dude, you're a grown up. You don't have to jump when she says jump. OTOH, just remember to turn out the lights. It's not that hard.

3: Gag

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#8 May 16, 2013
Mimi< i agree that she doesn't really need to be fully independent at this point, but she sure isn't showing much progress to get there eventually.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#9 May 16, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Mimi< i agree that she doesn't really need to be fully independent at this point, but she sure isn't showing much progress to get there eventually.
Oh I agree. That's why I said that Dad needs to be proactive in helping her find a direction. Yeah, she's 21, but if he's done a better job (maybe?) he wouldn't still be needing to do that, she would already have a direction, or two, or three she's interested in checking out. IMO anyway.
Cass

Pomona, CA

#10 May 16, 2013
squishymama wrote:
.
LW3: The only quandry here is why Amy keeps running this effing rehash.
THIS!
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#11 May 16, 2013
LW1: I don't thinjk the situation with the daughter will improve unless the dad puts his foot down and you can't make him do that.

LW2: I agree with RACE - give HER some chores and make her accountable!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#12 May 16, 2013
Right on baby!
Your chore...Bring me beers!
Stina wrote:
LW1: I don't thinjk the situation with the daughter will improve unless the dad puts his foot down and you can't make him do that.
LW2: I agree with RACE - give HER some chores and make her accountable!
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#13 May 16, 2013
RACE wrote:
Right on baby!
Your chore...Bring me beers!
<quoted text>
Your chore: Bite me!:P

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#14 May 16, 2013
I thought you'd never ask....
Stina wrote:
<quoted text>
Your chore: Bite me!:P

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#15 May 16, 2013
Mimi Seattle wrote:
the reality is that most kids aren't really all grown up and ready to be on their own at that age.
Yet you people argue that a 19 year old is fully capable of fending off the advances of an older, worldly man.... Such consistency....

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#16 May 16, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Yet you people argue that a 19 year old is fully capable of fending off the advances of an older, worldly man.... Such consistency....
No, we argue that at age 19, they are not children, specifically in the eyes of the law, so Amby's suggestion that the parent talk to the police is stupid because even if there was some sort of sexual relationship going on to gross you out, it would be perfectly legal.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#17 May 16, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>No, we argue that at age 19, they are not children, specifically in the eyes of the law, so Amby's suggestion that the parent talk to the police is stupid because even if there was some sort of sexual relationship going on to gross you out, it would be perfectly legal.
I'm sorry, where did "legality" come into play?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#18 May 16, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm sorry, where did "legality" come into play?
When amy told the LW to call the police.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#19 May 16, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm sorry, where did "legality" come into play?
When Amby suggested the LW contact the police. They are adults. No law being broken. Cops don't care if your adult son is getting seduced by the dirty old man next door.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#20 May 16, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Yet you people argue that a 19 year old is fully capable of fending off the advances of an older, worldly man.... Such consistency....
Don't drag me into that argument. I stayed out of it deliberately and I don't want to discuss it now. I was only talking about TODAY'S column with today's LW(s).

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