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Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#41 Feb 13, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Did you think this before or after you got divorced?
Because I think THIS attitude is exactly the reason we have an over 50% divorce rate.
Aren't you sweet. But no, my beliefs in what marriage is had no bearing on my divorce except that I probably stayed in it too long to be sure I did everything to make it work. Some things can't be fixed.

What part of partnership do you feel is bad? There are two people in a marriage that each brings their thoughts and feelings, differences and their similarities. In order to have a successful partnership you need to take the other's thoughts, feelings, etc. in serious consideration.

Now your turn. Tell me how that one person thing works in big decisions.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#42 Feb 13, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Yiu say its not black and white, yet feel that there is never any reason for a husband to not share EVERYTHING with his wife.
Nope. Never said EVERYTHING. You did. I said major stuff, sure. The color of your daughter's toe gloss. No. All depends on the situation and scope. Said that from the beginning. Don't try to put words in my mouth. We've been down that road and it hasn't been pleasant.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#43 Feb 13, 2014
Toj wrote:
What part of partnership do you feel is bad?
Keeping major secrets from each other
Toj wrote:
In order to have a successful partnership you need to take the other's thoughts, feelings, etc. in serious consideration.
Whole-heartedly agree. Thanks for agreeing with my point
Toj wrote:
Now your turn. Tell me how that one person thing works in big decisions.
It doesn't. I've been saying that all along.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#44 Feb 15, 2014
RACE wrote:
You need to remember they are not being nosy, just curious.
And you should learn how to make goulash, its delicious. Try adding rabbit to it.
<quoted text>
I understand that they are just curious, but that does not pose an obligation on me to satisfy any stranger's curiosity again, and again, and again, and again. I do not see it as particularly intrusive, but it is extremely annoying to me. I must have had thousands of those conversations over the decades. Every time I hear, " You have an accent. Where are you from" I think, "Oh, gawd, here we go again, compliments on my English and questions about goulash coming up. For the 17,000th time."

And just because I don't cook goulash, it doesn't mean I haven't had it. I just don't like it. Why should I learn to cook it because somebody else thinks it's delicious? Let them cook it.

Returning to curiosity: it is not an excuse to get all offended or suspicious when total strangers refuse to answer your questions about themselves, no matter how innocuous these questions seem to you as the asker. Say, I am curious about why somebody is in a wheelchair or on crutches, or how many months along that pregnant woman on my commuter train is, or whether the black kids with a white mom in the grocery store are biologically hers or adopted. I think most people would agree that I have no automatic right to satisfy my curiosity, and it would be rude of me to ask. Why is somebody's place of origin an exception to this rule? I have never said, "None of your business" in response to these questions. I say, "Oh, I've lived in so many places!" and shift the conversation back to business at hand.

Then, of course, there are xenophobic people who hurl insults at anyone who comes from any country that has had adversarial political or economic relations with the U.S. in the past 100 years. You are from Mexico? You must be illegal. Asian or Eastern European woman? Must be a mail-order bride. Middle Easterner? Terrorist. Etc.

Fluck them. I'd rather not answer the question and avoid being insulted, pitied, or questioned by a total stranger on matters I don't have time or desire to talk about. Or told what I should learn to cook, for that matter.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#45 Feb 15, 2014
Well, you have given me an education.
I never imagined such an inoculus question could have such deep seated resentment.
I can see your point, but please understand, For me personally I would not ask about your cooking, or how well you have mastered American English.
I guess I am just saddend that when I ask such a question, I now know that I am harassing someone, it was never my intent
I can respect that you feel as you do, but I still dont see anything wrong in a person asking.

Maybe its just my ignorance, but I have never heard of anyone asking a person in a wheelchair how they wound up that way, and I kinda think the comparison is apples and watermelons, but again, its not me, its you

So, where are you from? Your accent sounds Slavic or something?
Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
I understand that they are just curious, but that does not pose an obligation on me to satisfy any stranger's curiosity again, and again, and again, and again. I do not see it as particularly intrusive, but it is extremely annoying to me. I must have had thousands of those conversations over the decades. Every time I hear, " You have an accent. Where are you from" I think, "Oh, gawd, here we go again, compliments on my English and questions about goulash coming up. For the 17,000th time."
And just because I don't cook goulash, it doesn't mean I haven't had it. I just don't like it. Why should I learn to cook it because somebody else thinks it's delicious? Let them cook it.
Returning to curiosity: it is not an excuse to get all offended or suspicious when total strangers refuse to answer your questions about themselves, no matter how innocuous these questions seem to you as the asker. Say, I am curious about why somebody is in a wheelchair or on crutches, or how many months along that pregnant woman on my commuter train is, or whether the black kids with a white mom in the grocery store are biologically hers or adopted. I think most people would agree that I have no automatic right to satisfy my curiosity, and it would be rude of me to ask. Why is somebody's place of origin an exception to this rule? I have never said, "None of your business" in response to these questions. I say, "Oh, I've lived in so many places!" and shift the conversation back to business at hand.
Then, of course, there are xenophobic people who hurl insults at anyone who comes from any country that has had adversarial political or economic relations with the U.S. in the past 100 years. You are from Mexico? You must be illegal. Asian or Eastern European woman? Must be a mail-order bride. Middle Easterner? Terrorist. Etc.
Fluck them. I'd rather not answer the question and avoid being insulted, pitied, or questioned by a total stranger on matters I don't have time or desire to talk about. Or told what I should learn to cook, for that matter.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#46 Feb 15, 2014
RACE wrote:
Well, you have given me an education.
I never imagined such an inoculus question could have such deep seated resentment.
I can see your point, but please understand, For me personally I would not ask about your cooking, or how well you have mastered American English.
I guess I am just saddend that when I ask such a question, I now know that I am harassing someone, it was never my intent
I can respect that you feel as you do, but I still dont see anything wrong in a person asking.
Maybe its just my ignorance, but I have never heard of anyone asking a person in a wheelchair how they wound up that way, and I kinda think the comparison is apples and watermelons, but again, its not me, its you
So, where are you from? Your accent sounds Slavic or something?
<quoted text>
The goulash reference should be a giveaway . If memory serves, one of the So FL people also has a Hungarian background

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#47 Feb 15, 2014
I don't see it as being any worse than someone around here asking me where I'm from as my accent indicates I'm obviously not from the south. It happens. I suppose I could cop an attitude about it, get all pissy, and whine about how annoying it is. IMO, BFD, however. Some folks are just whiny.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#48 Feb 16, 2014
Race,

I don't resent people asking per se. I resent people insisting that my not wanting to answer is some kind of a red flag. The question annoys me because I have answered it literally thousands of times in my life and have entered in the same conversation thousands of times. It's BORING as he11 to hear it yet again and enter the same conversation yet again. I don't want to have the conversation again, and the best way of avoiding it is to avoid the direct answer. I am not insulted when people ask. I am simply a bit irritated. Does that make sense?

I just don't know how to explain it clearer: a refusal to answer a total stranger's question about one's national origin is not a sign of being illegal, or ashamed of where one comes from, or of having painful memories of the place. It's simply a refusal to enter a conversation about one's national origin for whatever reason. If you ask a person where they are from (your privilege), and they prefer not to answer (their privilege), don't try to read something ominous in it and let it go.

PEllen,

The thing is that I am NOT Hungarian.

Sublime,

I don't get pissy, or whiney to people who ask. As I mentioned before, I say (mostly with a smile), "I am kind of from all over the place. I moved so much" and then I move on in the transaction. But my feelings are mine, and I am entitled to feel about the question any damn way I please, no? As long as I don't shower those feelings on unsuspecting curious strangers. And I don't.

I simply explained what might have motivated the lady in the third letter to react as she did.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#49 Feb 17, 2014
So, your feelings are yours, but a strangers feelings are not theirs.

Sounds like a conflict of "do as I say, not as I do."

and no, I am not trying to goad you into an argument, well, maybe...

.....
. If you ask a person where they are from (your privilege), and they prefer not to answer (their privilege), don't try to read something ominous in it and let it go.

......
But my feelings are mine, and I am entitled to feel about the question any damn way I please, no?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#50 Feb 17, 2014
RACE wrote:
If you ask a person where they are from (your privilege), and they prefer not to answer (their privilege), don't try to read something ominous in it and let it go.
......
But my feelings are mine, and I am entitled to feel about the question any damn way I please, no?
Since most folks have little problem answering such a question, I think it's natural that folks are going to think it's odd if someone has a big problem with the question and refuses to answer it.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#51 Feb 18, 2014
RACE wrote:
So, your feelings are yours, but a strangers feelings are not theirs.
Sounds like a conflict of "do as I say, not as I do."
and no, I am not trying to goad you into an argument, well, maybe...
.....
. If you ask a person where they are from (your privilege), and they prefer not to answer (their privilege), don't try to read something ominous in it and let it go.
......
But my feelings are mine, and I am entitled to feel about the question any damn way I please, no?
What? Maybe this was explained later down -- I'm catching up. She wasn't speaking to other people's feelings but her own. She was speaking to how people react when she doesn't say. That's action, not feelings, towards the person who does not want to answer. If the person upset that she didn't answer didn't say jack squash then she wouldn't have a clue about the other person's feelings.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#52 Feb 18, 2014
She said she is entitled to her feelings (and she is), but she cant tell others what not to feel because she does not answer, afterall, its their feelings and they are entitled to them.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
What? Maybe this was explained later down -- I'm catching up. She wasn't speaking to other people's feelings but her own. She was speaking to how people react when she doesn't say. That's action, not feelings, towards the person who does not want to answer. If the person upset that she didn't answer didn't say jack squash then she wouldn't have a clue about the other person's feelings.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#53 Feb 18, 2014
So what part of the Ukraine are you from, Cass? <runs>

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