Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#21 Feb 13, 2014
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
True, but A) this is a slippery slope, because in this particular example it could turn into him asking you to cover for him which could lead to lying to your wife and B) in general, I don't think it's fair for someone to ask a friend to keep things from his or her spouse.
If it ever turns into covering for him you say no. At any point in time a person has the ability to say,'Hey, stop right there. I'm not comfortable with that."

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#22 Feb 13, 2014
RACE wrote:
H*ll yes.
Parents need to be seen as a single entity by their kids. Do you mean that when you were a kid, you never pleaded with your mom not to tell dad? I know I did, but it was to no avail. Dad got home, learned of my misdeed and a spanking is what I got for my troubles.
So let's kick it up a knotch, If daughter gets her period and she tells mom, dad is not obligated to know. BUT...If she does NOT get her period, dad is obligated to know.
<quoted text>
its not about keeping misdeeds frpm dad. I'm talking about being able to talk to someone in your life about your life and expect confidentiality. Maybe you feel comfortable talkimg to one parent but not the other. One is less judemental. Sure both parents should be privy to your misdeeds, but was there nothing you felt more comfortable talkimg to your dad about and not your mom? Would you still feel comfortable if you knew he could not be trusted to keep it between you?
I'm just railing agsinst this whole premise that one cannot have any privacy within the confines of a family and that all must be an open book. That you can't share something personal with one person unless you post it to the family message board.
Jam, dog, & chel have the position that anythin and everythinh should be shared with your spouse. I'm down with the Pellen school where she stopped vonfidibg in her sister once she founf out their conversations were not private.
Its as if the only way you can talk to anyone about private matters is to go see a shrink or a single person.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#23 Feb 13, 2014
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
If it's just information, sure, but what if it indirectly affects your wife? What if your buddy went to rehab and wants you to visit him to bring him that book he loaned you that he wants back now but your wife's not supposed to know he's in rehab? If you go, you're either going to tell your wife in spite of , him asking you not to, or lie to your wife.
Wow, you are really stretching. Or I could say i have some errands to run and swing by rehab while i'm doing them. Or i could swong by on my lunh break. Or i could leave wprk a little early.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#24 Feb 13, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
If it ever turns into covering for him you say no. At any point in time a person has the ability to say,'Hey, stop right there. I'm not comfortable with that."
And i love how the narrative automatically jumps to his marital problems having to do with him doing something for which he'd need an alibi. How bout he suspects his wife is cheating on him and he's telling me why he thinks so? But he's not really sure. They haven't had sex in months and there's a lot of peculiar behavior. But it could turn out to be nothing, so don't say anyrhing to my wife about her friend....

He just needed a trusted friend to talk about what's been running thru his head..

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

East Hartford, CT

#25 Feb 13, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I disagree in tge case of the adult "step" children. I have too many friends who have remarried parents who do not consider new spouse a parent of any kind(not that that's a bad thing). I can only agree with you in cases where the child was young enough an new wife really did play a parental role.
But take the step out of it. You have a problem with a child confiding in one parent? You think the parent shoukd break that trust and tell the other when asked not to? Good luck having them ever confide in you again.
I'll take the step and the adult out of it. A child shouldn't tell one parent something and expect him/her to keep it a secret from the other one. Children shouldn't manipulate their parents that way.

I have no problem with my wife's friend telling her something in secret. I'd consider it girl stuff and wouldn't care anyway. But our kid? Hell no, don't keep secrets from me, btch!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

East Hartford, CT

#26 Feb 13, 2014
Cass wrote:
LW1 - Your husband has a medical condition called "foot in mouth disease." I agree with Dog. Get the lump biopsied, get the results, and THEN discuss this with your family. You can tell them that you didn't mention anything earlier because you didn't want to worry them needlessly, but now that you know for sure either (a) Yay, good news! It's a fibrocyst which may not even need a surgery or (b) Unfortunately, it's cancer. Thank you, Kathy, for alerting me - it was caught early and the prognosis is good.
If the gaffe is out of character for hubby, forgive him and move on. If not, you have bigger issues, but you may want to put them on hold how until your know what's going on with your health.
LW2 - You date-raped your then-girlfriend? Stay the h- away from her. Check yourself into a hospital if you are suicidal.
LW3 - Oh, that's one of my pet peeves. Let me explain.
I was born in Ukraine. Although I have been speaking English since the age of 10, I still have a very mild accent in it. Having been asked over the past many, many, many years where I was from has gotten extremely annoying. I don't hide it from the people I know, but for strangers - it's totally none of their business.
I wouldn't be avoiding answering these strangers if not for one thing: invariably, when they hear the name of my native country, they think it is awfully exotic, and they think I am some kind of an exotic person. They compliment me on my English. Thanks, but I've been speaking it for a good 35 years - far longer than I spoke my native language as a child. I have not lived in my "home" country in decades. The last time I visited some cousins there was 10 years ago, and that was when I took a 3-day detour on the way to visit a friend from college who then lived in Germany.
I avoid answering strangers' questions about my country of origin because - bizarrely, in my view - upon hearing my truthful answer, they ask me whether I regularly cook goulash. Ummm. That's a Hungarian dish. I am not Hungarian. And no, I don't cook any dishes from my native country either.
I avoid answering strangers' questions about my country of origin because if I say I am from New York (where I lived for a long time before moving out to the West Coast in my mid-20s), they say, "No, where are you REALLY from?" Really? I was born in Ukraine. "Oh, do you cook goulash?" WTF????
In other words, I don't answer strangers' questions about my country of origin not because I am illegal (I have long been a U.S. citizen) or because I am ashamed of my place of birth (I do not know much about it in the first place, and my memories of it are rather vague). I don't answer those questions because way too often they are intrusive and lead to a lot of annoying and extremely stupid follow-up comments and questions.
Okay. End of rant.
Go back to Russia, commie!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

East Hartford, CT

#27 Feb 13, 2014
j_m_w wrote:
Cass, I was born in Hungary (naturalized US citizen for almost 30 years) and even I get annoyed when people ask me if I cook goulash. I don't cook anything!
:)
Go back to Budapest!- heh, that wanted to auto correct to butt apes-

And I like goulash (aka known as chili-mac) but other than the type of pasta, how is it different than spaghetti?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#28 Feb 13, 2014
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
If it's just information, sure, but what if it indirectly affects your wife? What if your buddy went to rehab and wants you to visit him to bring him that book he loaned you that he wants back now but your wife's not supposed to know he's in rehab? If you go, you're either going to tell your wife in spite of him asking you not to, or lie to your wife.
Oh, here's another method:Tell her.
"Jim asked me to bring his book back so I'll be a little late."

Done. She's not going to ask if you met at his house, the gym, the gas station, or the library.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#29 Feb 13, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I'll take the step and the adult out of it. A child shouldn't tell one parent something and expect him/her to keep it a secret from the other one. Children shouldn't manipulate their parents that way.
I have no problem with my wife's friend telling her something in secret. I'd consider it girl stuff and wouldn't care anyway. But our kid? Hell no, don't keep secrets from me, btch!
its not about msnipulation. Your boy has girl problems. Problems with a kid at school. Problems with his pecker. Whatever. He comes to you. Does not want to share problem with mom. Something that embarasses him. You can't be trusted to keep you conversation between the 2 of you?

You and Race kerp trying to turn it into hiding misdeeds an msnipulating one parent. This whole conversation began with a person whi shared something private with her father and him keeping that confidence.

If I can't trust you to enough to keep such conversations private, I'm never confiding in you again.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#30 Feb 13, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>And i love how the narrative automatically jumps to his marital problems having to do with him doing something for which he'd need an alibi. How bout he suspects his wife is cheating on him and he's telling me why he thinks so? But he's not really sure. They haven't had sex in months and there's a lot of peculiar behavior. But it could turn out to be nothing, so don't say anyrhing to my wife about her friend....
He just needed a trusted friend to talk about what's been running thru his head..
I agree with you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

East Hartford, CT

#31 Feb 13, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>its not about msnipulation. Your boy has girl problems. Problems with a kid at school. Problems with his pecker. Whatever. He comes to you. Does not want to share problem with mom. Something that embarasses him. You can't be trusted to keep you conversation between the 2 of you?
Yeah, pretty much.

"Morning dear. Hey, little Johnny is embarrassed so don't say anything, but he got called up to the chalk board yesterday while he had a raging hard on."

Transversely, little Suzie can tell mom she got her period, or wants her klitt pierced, but don't expect mom to not tell me about it.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#32 Feb 13, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Oh, here's another method:Tell her.
"Jim asked me to bring his book back so I'll be a little late."
Done. She's not going to ask if you met at his house, the gym, the gas station, or the library.
I think the difference here, from what I see, is that there is two schools of thought (at least). Edog, Race, etc. thinks that when you get married you share everything and that you're basically one unit.

There's another school of thought that there's a partnership, with two people in it, who come together during a marriage for each other and the marriage but you still are 2 separate people with 2 distinct lives that you share.

There's sharing... and then there's SHARING.

I think the romantic notion that 2 people become one is ridiculous and unrealistic.

Okay -- that should make for a bit of interesting conversation now.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#33 Feb 13, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I think the difference here, from what I see, is that there is two schools of thought (at least). Edog, Race, etc. thinks that when you get married you share everything and that you're basically one unit.
There's another school of thought that there's a partnership, with two people in it, who come together during a marriage for each other and the marriage but you still are 2 separate people with 2 distinct lives that you share.
There's sharing... and then there's SHARING.
I think the romantic notion that 2 people become one is ridiculous and unrealistic.
Okay -- that should make for a bit of interesting conversation now.
I fully agree with you. Its a partnership. 2 distinct people with their own thoughts, opinions, emotions, interests...

Here's a funny one. We don't have a house phone. Cells only. Mil will call wife. If no answer, will call me. She often seems surprised if she rolls to me and wife ain't home yet and I don't know why she's late. As if I keep up to the minute tabs on her.

Or the time she called me and asked if wife got her voice mail. WTF? How the f would I know? You think she checks her vm and then submits a log to me of all the messages left on HER vm?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#34 Feb 13, 2014
For the record, I do NOT subscribe to the notion that all is an open book. I specifically pointed out that some things need NOT be shared, like a girl talking to mom about her period or son talking to dad about how to put on a condom. Those types of things are spoken about in confidence.

But asking your mom not to tell dad that you knocked up the neighbors wife, who's husband is also your dads golfing buddy, is not a confidence that should be kept.

You people are trying to paint it all black or white, and its not that way at all.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#35 Feb 13, 2014
RACE wrote:
For the record, I do NOT subscribe to the notion that all is an open book. I specifically pointed out that some things need NOT be shared, like a girl talking to mom about her period or son talking to dad about how to put on a condom. Those types of things are spoken about in confidence.
But asking your mom not to tell dad that you knocked up the neighbors wife, who's husband is also your dads golfing buddy, is not a confidence that should be kept.
You people are trying to paint it all black or white, and its not that way at all.
i agree its not all black and white.

Since: Mar 09

Hollywood, FL

#36 Feb 13, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>i agree its not all black and white.
So do I.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#37 Feb 13, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
i agree its not all black and white.
Ha! Coulda fooled me! I almost posted this very thing to you this morning! It certainly sounds like you're wanting to paint everything with a black and white brush while there are fifty shades of gray. There is no one size fits all answer, but basically for minor things, the other parent doesn't need to know every mundane detail. But for major things, like your adult step-daughter's arrest record, or cancer diagnosis, a spouse should not be left in the dark.

There, I'm glad we settled this. You all could have saved yourselves a lot of typing had you LISTENED TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!!
:p

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#38 Feb 13, 2014
Toj wrote:
I think the romantic notion that 2 people become one is ridiculous and unrealistic.
Did you think this before or after you got divorced?

Because I think THIS attitude is exactly the reason we have an over 50% divorce rate.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#39 Feb 13, 2014
Somewhere an unborn child is breathing a sigh of relief knowing edog won't be his baby daddy.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#40 Feb 13, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Ha! Coulda fooled me! I almost posted this very thing to you this morning! It certainly sounds like you're wanting to paint everything with a black and white brush while there are fifty shades of gray. There is no one size fits all answer, but basically for minor things, the other parent doesn't need to know every mundane detail. But for major things, like your adult step-daughter's arrest record, or cancer diagnosis, a spouse should not be left in the dark.
There, I'm glad we settled this. You all could have saved yourselves a lot of typing had you LISTENED TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!!
:p
Yiu say its not black and white, yet feel that there is never any reason for a husband to not share EVERYTHING with his wife. Not even when the info is not her business. Sounds like its pretty black and white to you.

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