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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#1
Nov 12, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: Our next-door neighbor is someone most people would think of as an ornery old man who is probably an alcoholic. He rarely acknowledges anyone, drinks and smokes while tinkering in his garage every day, and does things like keeping the kids' soccer balls when they land in his yard until a parent comes to retrieve it with the child.

We ignore his alcohol breath and unpleasant personality and have a civil relationship with him. We have taught our children to be respectful no matter how much they dislike him (unlike some others in the neighborhood).

He has been a good neighbor by informing us when our garage door is open late at night, our outdoor pipes are leaking or gushing water, etc.

I have asked him for advice on what to do regarding an outdoor household problem, and he has voluntarily fixed it for us with supplies from his garage. He doesn't stop until it's done correctly in line with his high standards.

We thank him profusely and have "repaid" him with bottles of good wine, which makes him very happy. Are we being "enablers" by repaying a likely alcoholic with wine?-- Enabler?

DEAR ENABLER: Sidestepping the issue of enabling, I'd like to point out that when you give your neighbor wine, you are providing him with the tools to make him less competent, healthy and (selfishly speaking) less useful to you. If you were really grateful, you could also throw in a carton of smokes, making him happy but decreasing his life span.

There are many ways to thank this good neighbor that don't involve feeding his addiction -- for instance, you could give him a gift card to his favorite hardware store. You could also offer to rake his leaves or shovel the walk this winter.

DEAR AMY: My parents have been divorced for nearly 20 years. They have remained good friends and talk often. My mom has a partner, "Henry," and has been with him for many years. My dad is single.

During the holidays, my mom wants us to spend every other year with her and every other year with my dad. She says that it makes Henry uncomfortable to be around my dad.

My brothers and I have to find another date to celebrate the holiday with the parent who doesn't have us on the holiday day.

As you can imagine, this makes the holiday season crazy for all of us and our children. We have nine kids among the three of us.

We all have to coordinate our schedules to be sure that our parents get time with us. We have our in-laws to consider as well.

I am tired of having to work around my parents' divorce. I think my parents should just "suck it up," so my brothers and I and our families can enjoy our parents together, particularly as they are aging. I also think it would be great for our kids. Do you think this is reasonable?-- Divorced Holidays

DEAR DIVORCED: This is more than reasonable. You and your siblings should put the word out that this year the family holiday celebration will be at one of your homes. Everyone is invited (in-laws too). If your mother and father want to negotiate switching off to attend every other year, then it's up to them (not you) to work it out. The number of adults and kids there should inoculate "Henry" somewhat from discomfort.

If this causes your mother to miss the celebration this year, then she and Henry can pop in to visit you another time, but you won't have two group celebrations for your parents' sake, because it's just too hard on everyone.

DEAR AMY: Responding to the letter from "Upset Mom" about her 26-year-old son living at home, I wish more parents would understand that their job as parents is not to protect their children, as they seem to think it is. Their job is to prepare them to live in the real world.-- Also Upset

DEAR ALSO: This question received a large response; most agree that these parents had not served their son well.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#2
Nov 12, 2013
 

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1- Let the old man have his wine.

2- Spend one day with one parent, and the next day with another. People have been doing this for years, figure it out.

3- It's the new trend. A shift to dependent, entitled kids instead of confident, independent ones who ask nothing from nobody.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Nov 12, 2013
 

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1 What a long winded way to ask if giving wine is an acceptable way to say thank you.
Of course it is, unless he asks you to stop, there is no reason to (except for lamy the prude). Until you walk a mile in this guys shoes, get off your high horse lamy.

2 Tell Henry to GTFU, he does not get to dictate the holiday schedule. He can sit is AZZ at home or in the den or basement if he does not want to socialize.

3 If a parents job was to prepare their kids for the reality of life, they would not enroll them in a baseball league where they do not keep score.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#4
Nov 12, 2013
 
It is not your role to police someone else' legal habits. Wine is a good thank you gift that he obviously enjoys

Otherwise, what Race said for 1, 2 and 3

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#5
Nov 12, 2013
 

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L1: He...he actually sounds like a fantastic neighbor.
Blunt Advice

Suffern, NY

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#6
Nov 12, 2013
 

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Agree with all of the above. And reason #65738864 I dislike Christmas....trying to please everyone on an over rated day.

Since: Aug 08

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#7
Nov 12, 2013
 

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LW1: Itís not like he would stop getting drunk if you didnít give him wine for a gift. The only difference would be that he would be forking over the money for the alcohol. Unless you have reason to think money is so tight for him such that he would have to forgo his habit at times, but for your gift, itís not enablement.

LW2: I canít stand it when folks refer to their SO as their ďpartner.Ē SO, boyfriend, anything but ďpartner.Ē

You can do what you want. I donít think you should have to be inconvenienced and spend an extra day of your time celebrating on an additional day, just because your momís boyfriend is insecure or controlling, especially since your mom and dad are still good friends.

LW3: Yep.

Since: Aug 08

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#8
Nov 12, 2013
 
Blunt Advice wrote:
Agree with all of the above. And reason #65738864 I dislike Christmas....trying to please everyone on an over rated day.
That's one of the reasons why I don't like going home for the holidays to visit family. Between both our sides, it is too much running around and feeling obligated to do so.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#9
Nov 12, 2013
 
L1: I'd give him the wine. Or some good scotch.

L2: I disagree with the Peanut Gallery. It's her house. If she wants to indulge Henry, it's her choice. She shouldn't have put it that way to the kids, but she did. I don't think she's not asking much. Every other year. She is not demanding you not see your father. Come up with an alternative if this doesn't work. It's called "negotiation". I don't see where the LW is moaning about Thanksgiving or any other event.

L3: Agree.

Since: Aug 08

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#10
Nov 12, 2013
 

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Toj wrote:
L2: I disagree with the Peanut Gallery. It's her house. If she wants to indulge Henry, it's her choice. She shouldn't have put it that way to the kids, but she did. I don't think she's not asking much. Every other year. She is not demanding you not see your father. Come up with an alternative if this doesn't work. It's called "negotiation". I don't see where the LW is moaning about Thanksgiving or any other event.
Your poor reading comprehension is showing once again. The LW doesnít say anything about these get togethers taking place at her house. So the whole premise of your argument that ďitís her houseĒ is nonsense. Further, what if the kids said they would rather host at their house, rather than have to spend a day with mom, a day with dad, and a day with the in-laws, i.e. 3 days rather than 2, with 9 kids to boot, just because Henry has issues.

Itís not all about Henry, even at Christmas time. Henry obviously couldnít give a fí how he inconveniences folks. After all, his insecurity doesnít cause him any inconvenience Ö otherís bear the cost of it Ö for heís not the one who has to spend an extra day of his life trying to be inclusive of everyone. Henry can go eff off, and stop acting like an insecure knob who everyone must cater to.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#11
Nov 12, 2013
 

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Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Your poor reading comprehension is showing once again. The LW doesnít say anything about these get togethers taking place at her house. So the whole premise of your argument that ďitís her houseĒ is nonsense. Further, what if the kids said they would rather host at their house, rather than have to spend a day with mom, a day with dad, and a day with the in-laws, i.e. 3 days rather than 2, with 9 kids to boot, just because Henry has issues.
Itís not all about Henry, even at Christmas time. Henry obviously couldnít give a fí how he inconveniences folks. After all, his insecurity doesnít cause him any inconvenience Ö otherís bear the cost of it Ö for heís not the one who has to spend an extra day of his life trying to be inclusive of everyone. Henry can go eff off, and stop acting like an insecure knob who everyone must cater to.
It's nice to know there's something in this life we all can count on. You being a dickhead is one of them.

IF it is held at the mother's house, her house, her rules. IF it is at the LW's house, NEGOTIATE! Didn't I say that? Yes, I did. Or don't negotiate. Personally, I don't give a flying fck. The thing is it's the mother's perogative to indulge Henry. If the LW is having Christmas and doesn't want to do that, say "No, mom. Dad is invited and you can choose to attend or not."

Things are as difficult as people want to make them, usually.

I'm sorry if you need every single scenario spelled out before you get the general gist of things. You obviously figured out I was under the assumption it was her house and her rules. Doesn't take much to believe that I would feel the same about a son or daughter's house. Their house, their rules. That's where you are being a dickhead, dickhead.

Sorry you personally find your family obligations overwhelming. Perhaps you should negotiate or decide things for yourself in a better way.

Since: Aug 08

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#12
Nov 12, 2013
 

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Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
It's nice to know there's something in this life we all can count on. You being a dickhead is one of them.
Ruh roh!!!^^^^ Someoneís name calling. U r mad, rite?

You demonstrating that you have the reading comprehension of a 7 year old is another thing in life we can count on.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
IF it is held at the mother's house, her house, her rules. IF it is at the LW's house, NEGOTIATE! Didn't I say that? Yes, I did.
Not only do you have poor reading compression, but either you like to engage in revisionist history or your reading comprehension is so poor, you canít even comprehend your own post!!

FTR, what you actually said was:

ďI disagree with the Peanut Gallery. It's her house (notice there is no ďIF itís her houseĒ.

If she wants to indulge Henry, it's her choice.
ďShe shouldn't have put it that way to the kids, but she did.Ē(Did she? I donít see anything in that letter about her saying itís her house; Where the eff do you come up with this stuff Ö do you just make stuff up in your head?)
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Or don't negotiate. Personally, I don't give a flying fck. The thing is it's the mother's perogative to indulge Henry. If the LW is having Christmas and doesn't want to do that, say "No, mom. Dad is invited and you can choose to attend or not."
Thatís better. However, why not just come out and say the mom is not the only one with a prerogative? Itís the childrenís prerogative to say sorry mom, while you are free to cater to him, we arenít going to cater to Henryís insecurity and be burdened with having to celebrate the holidays twice, just because he has issues.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Things are as difficult as people want to make them, usually.
AND, Henry sure likes to make things difficult.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm sorry if you need every single scenario spelled out before you get the general gist of things. You obviously figured out I was under the assumption it was her house and her rules. Doesn't take much to believe that I would feel the same about a son or daughter's house. Their house, their rules. That's where you are being a dickhead, dickhead.
Oh, IC. So now, Iím at fault for not being a mind reader! When you spend half your post going on and on about how itís the motherís prerogative and how you think the kids are being unreasonable and how the mother supposedly told the kids it's her house and her rules (even though she never said that ... must have been another assumption of yours), if you think the whole issue could be solved by the children just saying they will host and it's their house, their rules, perhaps you should consider mentioning that.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Sorry you personally find your family obligations overwhelming. Perhaps you should negotiate or decide things for yourself in a better way.
Your poor reading comprehension is rearing its ugly head again. I never said I find it overwhelming. Iíd just rather not spend my vacation and holidays schlepping all over town. I also donít need to negotiate anything. Itís my prerogative to do what I want. Remember prerogatives? Or does that just apply to women married to insecure dí heads?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#13
Nov 12, 2013
 
LW1: Amy, you can take your little judgemental self and just f*ck off.

Give your neighbor whatever you think he would like in appreciation for his help on your house.

LW2: If you're tired of the running around, then one of the sibs should host, invite everybody and let your parents sort it out. You all are getting too old for this sh!t.

LW3: Too bad the rehashes won't move out of the basement.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#14
Nov 12, 2013
 

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I her defense it does read like mom is hosting the LW...
During the holidays, my mom wants us to spend every other year with her and every other year with my dad. She says that it makes Henry uncomfortable to be around my dad.

But the her house her rules is still BS. If her and the X get along then they should all be together and Henry can pound sand if he is so upset. The kids are already doing all the compromising and the LW feels held hostage over it. Time to change the rules.
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Your poor reading comprehension is showing once again. The LW doesnít say anything about these get togethers taking place at her house. So the whole premise of your argument that ďitís her houseĒ is nonsense. Further, what if the kids said they would rather host at their house, rather than have to spend a day with mom, a day with dad, and a day with the in-laws, i.e. 3 days rather than 2, with 9 kids to boot, just because Henry has issues.
Itís not all about Henry, even at Christmas time. Henry obviously couldnít give a fí how he inconveniences folks. After all, his insecurity doesnít cause him any inconvenience Ö otherís bear the cost of it Ö for heís not the one who has to spend an extra day of his life trying to be inclusive of everyone. Henry can go eff off, and stop acting like an insecure knob who everyone must cater to.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#15
Nov 12, 2013
 

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Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Ruh roh!!!^^^^ Someoneís name calling. U r mad, rite?
You demonstrating that you have the reading comprehension of a 7 year old is another thing in life we can count on.
<quoted text>
Not only do you have poor reading compression, but either you like to engage in revisionist history or your reading comprehension is so poor, you canít even comprehend your own post!!
FTR, what you actually said was:
ďI disagree with the Peanut Gallery. It's her house (notice there is no ďIF itís her houseĒ.
If she wants to indulge Henry, it's her choice.
ďShe shouldn't have put it that way to the kids, but she did.Ē(Did she? I donít see anything in that letter about her saying itís her house; Where the eff do you come up with this stuff Ö do you just make stuff up in your head?)
<quoted text>
Thatís better. However, why not just come out and say the mom is not the only one with a prerogative? Itís the childrenís prerogative to say sorry mom, while you are free to cater to him, we arenít going to cater to Henryís insecurity and be burdened with having to celebrate the holidays twice, just because he has issues.
<quoted text>
AND, Henry sure likes to make things difficult.
<quoted text>
Oh, IC. So now, Iím at fault for not being a mind reader! When you spend half your post going on and on about how itís the motherís prerogative and how you think the kids are being unreasonable and how the mother supposedly told the kids it's her house and her rules (even though she never said that ... must have been another assumption of yours), if you think the whole issue could be solved by the children just saying they will host and it's their house, their rules, perhaps you should consider mentioning that.
<quoted text>
Your poor reading comprehension is rearing its ugly head again. I never said I find it overwhelming. Iíd just rather not spend my vacation and holidays schlepping all over town. I also donít need to negotiate anything. Itís my prerogative to do what I want. Remember prerogatives? Or does that just apply to women married to insecure dí heads?
Nope. Not mad at all. I think you're a dickhead is all. Not name calling really -- dumb me can only come up with that to accurately describe you. I could only be made if your opinion mattered to me. It doesn't.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#16
Nov 12, 2013
 

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squishymama wrote:
LW2: If you're tired of the running around, then one of the sibs should host, invite everybody and let your parents sort it out. You all are getting too old for this sh!t.
This. I agree with this. I wouldn't let it bother me. You can't control other people's actions. Maybe it's b/c my kids are grown but even when I had small kids -- I did what I could and if someone had a problem with that, it was their problem not mine. Life is way too short. If someone invited a person I would not be in a room with, well then I didn't cry about it, I made other plans.

Since: Aug 08

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#17
Nov 12, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
I her defense it does read like mom is hosting the LW...
During the holidays, my mom wants us to spend every other year with her and every other year with my dad. She says that it makes Henry uncomfortable to be around my dad.<quoted text>
I don't see that. We are spending this Thanksgiving with my mil, but she's staying at our house. Saying you spent the holidays with someone, gives no indication in terms of where you are spending it, just with whom.
RACE wrote:
But the her house her rules is still BS. If her and the X get along then they should all be together and Henry can pound sand if he is so upset. The kids are already doing all the compromising and the LW feels held hostage over it. Time to change the rules.
<quoted text>
I agree. She'd probably expect her own kids accommodate some insecure d' head boyfriend if she happened to find one to date.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#18
Nov 12, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
I her defense it does read like mom is hosting the LW...
During the holidays, my mom wants us to spend every other year with her and every other year with my dad. She says that it makes Henry uncomfortable to be around my dad.
But the her house her rules is still BS. If her and the X get along then they should all be together and Henry can pound sand if he is so upset. The kids are already doing all the compromising and the LW feels held hostage over it. Time to change the rules.
<quoted text>
Thank you. But it still holds true for me. Whoever's house it is gets to decide. Actually, it's the mother who is deciding, not Henry. She did not have to go along with it but not only did she go along with Henry's plan, she's not taking any responsibility for going along with it.

If I was her kids I'd tell her -- "Okay, mom that's for you and Henry to decide what you want to do. I'll have it at my house and this is who I am inviting. You and Henry decide if you'd like to join. We hope to see you." Done.

Since: Aug 08

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#19
Nov 12, 2013
 

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Toj wrote:
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Nope. Not mad at all. I think you're a dickhead is all. Not name calling really -- dumb me can only come up with that to accurately describe you. I could only be made if your opinion mattered to me. It doesn't.
D1ck head?? To think, I was going to take you under my wing and try to get your reading comprehension up to say a 3rd grade level. I even went so far as to find a level appropriate book for you to read for purposes of preparing a book report:

http://www.amazon.com/Sun-bookmark-reading-pr...

I'm only here to help you ... help you grow. ;p
Blunt Advice

Suffern, NY

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#20
Nov 12, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
That's one of the reasons why I don't like going home for the holidays to visit family. Between both our sides, it is too much running around and feeling obligated to do so.
Once my kids are on their own, I will spend my Christmases on a tropical beach. Wonder what Jesus thinks of his birthday being turned into a big overkilled marketing circus.

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