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1 - 13 of 13 Comments Last updated Mar 5, 2013
dahgts

Chicago, IL

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#1
Mar 5, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: My dad and I have a mostly estranged relationship. He was absent most of my life, and now we only communicate through an occasional text message. He is now married to wife No. 3, and up until a few months ago she seemed like a nice enough person — until he revealed that she had an affair and at 46 became pregnant with another man’s baby.

They separated but have now reconciled and have decided to raise this baby together (my dad is 63), along with the man she had the affair with. I told him I respected his personal decision. His wife recently asked to list me on Facebook as family, and I had such a negative reaction to it I blocked her completely. I only met her once years ago and have no personal connection to her.

I would like to visit my dad with my children. They have asked about him and despite the lack of relationship, I still love him and would like him to know his grandchildren. However, I really don’t want anything to do with her or this child. I don’t want to have to explain the whole thing to my kids, adding to the already messy family dynamic.

I think this will offend my dad, as he takes his marriage vows very seriously from a religious perspective.(He annulled the marriage from my mother and made his current wife get two annulments before they could marry.) Am I out of line to ask to only see him when I visit?-- Daughter

DEAR DAUGHTER: Your father can’t take marriage vows all that seriously if he is on his third marriage, but regardless — he is embracing the existence of this child and is helping to raise it, which is the right thing to do, especially seeing as how the child’s mother is his wife.

So you come from a messed-up family. Join the club.

You are responding to the confusion and complication by essentially trying to erase an entire person — a child who has done nothing to deserve being shunned or denied by you or anyone else. The child does have a biological father and it also seems right for this man to have a hand in raising the child.

You should be truthful with your children, despite how painful or embarrassing this is for you. You can certainly ask to see your father alone, but don’t be surprised if he doesn’t agree to this condition.

DEAR AMY: I am a teenager. I have a friend,“Hattie,” who is going through a rough time at home. Her brother has dropped out of college, and he is back at home, dealing drugs instead of getting a job. Hattie told me, but she is in denial.

Should I report him to the police? I am afraid that he will harm her. A few days ago he had a terrible argument with his mom, and it got violent. Hattie isn’t a weakling, but she is physically smaller and mentally insecure. But if I do rat him out, will my friendship with Hattie be over? Will I later regret it?-- Good Friend

DEAR FRIEND: What you can offer your friend is perspective — and a very supportive friendship.

I agree with you that this situation sounds volatile and frightening. You should talk with your parents or another trusted adult about the best course of action, including perhaps inviting her to stay with you. Police will not always leap into a situation based on what a third party reports but you could also try to get advice from them about what Hattie should do.

DEAR AMY:“Worried Friend” asked if she should send a card to her friend who was in the hospital for an attempted suicide. Your response was right-on.

I still have the bow from the food basket that my co-workers sent when I went into treatment for alcoholism 21 years ago. My son was in a hospital for depression, and the letter that his best friend sent him was the best medicine he received at the time.-- Grateful

DEAR GRATEFUL: Thank you so much for sharing your personal perspective.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Mar 5, 2013
 

Judged:

1

1 Next on Jerry....
Dad is 63 with a 46 yr old wife, who sleeps around? yeah, this is gonna be fun!

2 Nice way to totally pass the buck amby. Question was too tough?

3 rehash...Oh, my eggs!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#3
Mar 5, 2013
 
LW1: You wantto form a relationship with him but exclude his wife? You want to punish her for sins he has already forgiven? Sins committed against him that have nothing to do with you his barely in his life child? You might wanna rethink that.

LW2: Unless you can provide evidence to actual crimes, your call to the cops would be pointless. You gonna call and say this guy is dealing drugs, then what? They gonnna just storm the place and bust him? Get real.

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

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#4
Mar 5, 2013
 

Judged:

1

LW1: You have the right to have or not have anyone in your life that you choose, but you also have to be prepared for what others think about your choices. And to shun a child your father is helping to raise with his wife, in his home, is really not very nice. The child had nothing to do with the situation. I think what's really going on is that you resent your father for being absent throughout your life and you now resent him for wanting to raise a child that is not biologically his when he didn't want to make the effort to be a father to you.

That's certainly more than understandable, but you should try and discuss it with your father before cutting off half of what he now considers his family. And I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts his current marriage will go the way of his previous two.
LW2: Why do people always worry about what will happen to a friendship or relationship over the very health and safety and welfare of that person???

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#5
Mar 5, 2013
 
Very nicely stated....
Judge Janie wrote:
LW1: You have the right to have or not have anyone in your life that you choose, but you also have to be prepared for what others think about your choices. And to shun a child your father is helping to raise with his wife, in his home, is really not very nice. The child had nothing to do with the situation. I think what's really going on is that you resent your father for being absent throughout your life and you now resent him for wanting to raise a child that is not biologically his when he didn't want to make the effort to be a father to you.
That's certainly more than understandable, but you should try and discuss it with your father before cutting off half of what he now considers his family. And I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts his current marriage will go the way of his previous two.
LW2: Why do people always worry about what will happen to a friendship or relationship over the very health and safety and welfare of that person???

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#6
Mar 5, 2013
 
L1: I lost track of the characters and therefore lost interest, sorry.

L2:*Someone* should call the cops at the time of the incident if he's being violent. But calling the cops to say he was violent last week and deals drugs isn't going to do much. They have to have evidence or probable cause or whatever.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#7
Mar 5, 2013
 
LW1: Amy thinks it’s the right thing to do. She’s nucking futs.

You really have no control over what your father does and it’s proably unrealistic to think you can be around him and not have anything to do with his wife or this baby.

LW2: MYOB.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Chicago, IL

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#8
Mar 5, 2013
 
1. So your dad is in his 60s, so you're in your late 30s/early 40s, so I am guessing your kids are old enough you can have a talk with them about the situation. They have probably watched Springer and seen worse.

2. If you get the police involved, they would stir things up, there would be no resolution, you would make your friend's situation at home markedly worse, and guess who would pay the price for that? KYMS.

3.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#9
Mar 5, 2013
 

Judged:

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L1: What Tonka said.

L2: Huh? Not your family. Tell your friend that you are there for her if and when she needs it and that's all you should do.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#10
Mar 5, 2013
 
Looks like an interesting fiction contest.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#11
Mar 5, 2013
 

Judged:

2

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1 Your dad has little to nothing to add to you or your kids' lives. Sail on sail on Sailor....

2 MYOB....
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#12
Mar 5, 2013
 
LW1: Janie nailed it. The child is innocent. You have minimum contact with your father now and it is certainly up to you if you want to visit, but to answer your question, no, you cannot gracefully exclude the wife and your step-sibling. It's easy to judge this woman because she has made some really foolish choices, but if you want your children to know their grandchildren, you will have to learn to smile and be cordial.

LW2: I used to work with two very interesting people. One was dealing drugs on the side and the other was the wife of a police officer. The cop's wife told me that the force knew our co-worker was dealing and that they were just waiting to find out who all of the people above him were before busting him. My point is that it is probably just a matter of time before dealer dude gets busted. Dnn't assume that the police don't know already. And maybe he will pull his head out of his butt and get back in school. I don't think I'd call the police. Tell your friend to run to your house any time if she needs to.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#13
Mar 5, 2013
 
Ugh... correction for LW1 - If you want your children to know their grandfather....

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