Amy 11/12/12
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“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#1 Nov 12, 2012
DEAR AMY: My teenage daughter is on a competitive sports team that practices three times per week. She is in a carpool with three other players to save time and money. The other three girls are very good friends. The team’s star player is their social leader too.

The girls are rather rude, especially their ringleader,“the diva.” Diva is very annoying to me because her attitude is ugly and toxic, although my daughter seems able to blow it off. The girls do not say one word to my daughter when we are in the car. They talk or text among themselves. They pass around food or candy without offering anything to my daughter.
If I try to engage in a benign conversation, they respond with disrespectful one-word responses (when the diva is not in the car, the other girls will include my daughter somewhat).

I was 15 minutes late picking them up recently, and she set such a hostile tone in the car that no one spoke. I’ve tried to approach this topic a couple of times gently with “diva’s” parents, but her mother laughed it off.

It would be very inconvenient for me to lose this carpool, and this doesn’t seem to bother my daughter. However, it bothers me terribly. I can see the queen bee/bullying behavior and know how destructive it can be. What should I do?-- Annoyed Mom

DEAR ANNOYED: The only surefire way to prevent this dynamic from happening in your car would be to accept the inconvenience of driving your daughter solo.

Ask your daughter what it is like on the basketball court or when she rides in their cars. If she says she can handle it, let her, but make sure she knows you are in her corner.

You could try to mix it up by having “the diva” sit up front in the car with you, but if you don’t want to micromanage this dynamic, engage your daughter and ignore the nonsense, unless it is directed toward you or your kid (or they are trashing someone else).

If so, you can say,“Ladies, I expect you to be decent and polite in my car. If you have a problem with this, let me know.” Moronic teenage twittiness doesn’t count, but truly toxic rudeness shouldn’t be sanctioned with silence.

DEAR AMY: My wife decided to let her hair go gray, due to a hair dye allergy that was causing problems. Her baseline insecurity has been magnified by others’ remarks.

Most comments are well-intended (for example, suggesting the use of natural color products). However, even these confirm to her how terrible she appears. I happen to think she looks beautiful, but no matter how much I tell her this, she comes home every day in tears. She tries to tell herself that others’ perceptions don’t matter, but they do matter to her.

I am at a loss. I want your readers to realize that comments about a change in appearance are hurtful, no matter how helpful they think they may be. What can I do to help her through this difficult time?-- Concerned Husband

DEAR CONCERNED: Gray is where it’s at, baby, but getting there can be stressful because there aren’t especially graceful ways to grow out a dye job. Having a great haircut will help.

But that’s beside the point. Angst over aging is common, but extreme low self-esteem and daily tears are signs your wife might be depressed. Exercise will help, but menopause is no joke. If your wife is being hit extra hard, urge her to get a medical checkup and/or professional counseling.

DEAR AMY:“Coughed Out” complained about a colleague who “sniffles, ahems and hacks.”

That person could be me. I’ve got the type of asthma that makes me cough (rather than wheeze), sniffle and clear my throat a lot. It’s not allergy-based and hits without warning.

Despite every effort, nothing will totally stop these attacks, because asthma is a chronic condition. So be kind — that person hacking hates it way more than you do.-- Cougher, Hacker, Sniffler

DEAR COUGHER: I can well imagine that hacking through the day is no fun.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#2 Nov 12, 2012
L1: Yeah, because 'making' bullies be nice to their victim always works and never backfires. And WTH is wrong with your daughter that this 'doesn't seem to bother her'? She's either missing a few screws OR you're teaching her, by your passiveness in letting this happen, that it's okay for her to be treated this way. Time to stand up for her.

Teenage girls are awful human beings. Source: I was once a teenage girl.

L2: Where da f u k does your wife work that people think it's okay to comment on her hair all day long? Does she have like four inches of gray and the rest whatever color she used to dye it or something?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Nov 12, 2012
LW1: Teen drama. What Amy said, I guess.

LW2: "However, even these confirm to her how terrible she appears."

Do people tell her she looks terrible? Or does she assume that? Most people don't want to age. They want to look young for as long as possible and assume everyone else does too. The suggestions on how to get rid of the gray are likely not because she looks terrible, but because she looks old with the gray. Probably a lot older than she is. My mom had tons of gray hair in her early 30's. Lived with it for years and started coloring it probably a decade later.

"she comes home every day in tears."
Way too emotional. Tears? Really?

"I want your readers to realize that comments about a change in appearance are hurtful, no matter how helpful they think they may be."
I want you to realize that everyone does not react the same way as your wife.

"Angst over aging is common, but extreme low self-esteem and daily tears are signs your wife might be depressed." This.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Nov 12, 2012
L1: Why does this girl's behavior bother you more than it bothers your teen daughter? I think you need to toughen up a bit and let go of your need to control how teens behave in your car. Stop trying to want to make them be friends with your daughter.

L2: "she comes home every day in tears" Yeah, right. Sure.

L3: I hear ya, sistah!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Nov 12, 2012
L1: Sounds like your daughter is a follower.

L2: If I had to grow out my hair, I'd be upset, too. Just to look at my head half gray/half dyed would be bad. In most women's personal view -- looking "old" is looking "bad", Tonka. ;) Just sayin' Sounds like this lady, though, is taking it over the top.

L3: Okay.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Nov 12, 2012
Had a rough weekend with cramps from hell.

And yet, I was able to go to a housewarming party and be pleasant,a nd spend several hours with Nick's kids and his whole family yesterday to celebrate his mom's birthday. That amy LW can shove it. Her cramps aren't worse than mine, and I was able to be pleasant to nice people. She needs to grow up.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 Nov 12, 2012
1 Girl stuff, dont care

2 Old girl stuff, dont care (and grow up already)

3 Hack-tooey sniff!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Nov 12, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Stop trying to want to make them be friends with your daughter.
Normally, I would agree. Everyone does not need to be friends with your kid. But she's doing these kids a favor. I would not go out of my way to do favors for kids that were not my kids friends.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Nov 12, 2012
Toj wrote:
L2: If I had to grow out my hair, I'd be upset, too. Just to look at my head half gray/half dyed would be bad. In most women's personal view -- looking "old" is looking "bad", Tonka. ;) Just sayin' Sounds like this lady, though, is taking it over the top.
I kinda spelled out same thing you just said.

Funny, I just had family pics done this weekend. Looked at the results. I know I got a good deal of gray, but its amazing how those professional flashes really bring it to the forefront. Make me look like an old man. I wanted to go home and cry.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Nov 12, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
That amy LW can shove it. Her cramps aren't worse than mine, and I was able to be pleasant to nice people. She needs to grow up.
Huh? Who?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Nov 12, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I kinda spelled out same thing you just said.
Funny, I just had family pics done this weekend. Looked at the results. I know I got a good deal of gray, but its amazing how those professional flashes really bring it to the forefront. Make me look like an old man. I wanted to go home and cry.
Grecian Formula 44! Do they still sell that stuff? Gray hair can look good on a man. It's not fair, but there it is. More men look good in gray hair than women, IMHO. There's very few women who can pull it off.
Anonymous

Plant City, FL

#12 Nov 12, 2012
1: Unacceptable behavior. The fact a freaking adult cannot speak truthfully to a $%*! child speaks volumes, about the LW and diva's mom!
I would NOT allow such toxicity into my life, no matter how inconvenient it was.
Daughter is as passive as mom and so tolerates it because she is most likely not as popular and wants some association. Sad.

2: "her baseline insecurity" says it all.
One simply must overcome those as they age or they will follow them.
It's attitude. I know plenty of grey women who rock it without hassle because of their attitude.
This pathetic mouse probably draws criticism (worse in her head, for sure) like a lightning rod....in tears daily means she is an emotional basketcase and has cared what others think her entire life. What a sad way to live.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#13 Nov 12, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Normally, I would agree. Everyone does not need to be friends with your kid. But she's doing these kids a favor. I would not go out of my way to do favors for kids that were not my kids friends.
Actually, sounds to me as if she knows the others are witches, and ignores their BS because the carpool is more convenient than her mom having to drive her to every practice. She's treating the other girls as if they're strangers on a bus and not letting them get to her.
Seems as if she's being more mature and pragmatic about it than her mother.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#15 Nov 12, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Huh? Who?
Whoops. Carolyn Hax. My bad.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#16 Nov 12, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Normally, I would agree. Everyone does not need to be friends with your kid. But she's doing these kids a favor. I would not go out of my way to do favors for kids that were not my kids friends.
except doesn't she need this carpool?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#17 Nov 12, 2012
"It would be very inconvenient for me to lose this carpool,"

She also said it saves time and money.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#18 Nov 12, 2012
1 Jeezus! Drop out of the carpool and shaddap!

2 Your wife needs to get a thicker hide, and send a firm message that it's a dead issue.

3 At least you're not a hocker.....

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#21 Nov 12, 2012
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>I've never dyed my hair, aside from spray on colour for Halloween, it's always been whatever colour nature gave it.
I've been going grey for years, never bothered me, and people STILL guess my age much lower than it is.
There are MANY women in my circle of friends/acquaintances who rock the grey just fine. Maybe it's because they just don't GAF what others think about it.
I know I don't.
However, I DO plan on dying it when it has gone all white. Rainbow. Or shades of blue and green. I plan on having fun with it, and I still won't GAF what other people think about it.
It's the growing out to go gray, not the people who never colored their hair. It's a big change. Going blonde to brown would elicit comments and be shocking to the person. Going gray -- from let's say redhead -- you'd have many months where your roots are coming in. There's no real gray coverage that I know of where you could do it gracefully.

It would be a big change for someone who colors their hair.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#22 Nov 12, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
It's the growing out to go gray, not the people who never colored their hair. It's a big change. Going blonde to brown would elicit comments and be shocking to the person. Going gray -- from let's say redhead -- you'd have many months where your roots are coming in. There's no real gray coverage that I know of where you could do it gracefully.
It would be a big change for someone who colors their hair.
Yeah, I know. Saw it happening when I was a little kid and decided by the time I was ten to NEVER EVER dye my hair. Just to avoid that crap, plus it's just too much trouble, time and money, afaic, for too little gain.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#23 Nov 12, 2012
LW1: What Matilda said. Maybe your daughter has other friends on the team.

LW2: Maybe a wig would help her to get past the growing out stage. If she is not ready to rock the gray, henna products would give her the color without the allergic reaction. Whenever I am having a bad hair day, I think of my friend and co-worker who is bald due to chemotherapy. Perspective...

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