“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Oct 29, 2013
DEAR AMY: My sister, who is in her 50s, finally separated from her husband of 35-plus years. He was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive to her, both privately and publicly.

Not long after they separated, he had lifesaving surgery, and she was with him all the way. My siblings, our parents and I all visited him in the hospital and rehab. We can all understand her feeling somewhat guilty and responsible. However, since then nothing much else seems to have changed. He's at her apartment, and she is at his quite frequently.

He has a brother locally he is close with and a sister who lives nearby. My sister expects our family to continue to invite him to all the family gatherings -- Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, etc.-- just like we did when they lived together.

If we do not invite him, she says she will not attend. He can be charming at times but also rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful to our family. Although we wish him well, most of us would prefer not to see him.

I asked her recently what being separated means to her. She replied that it means she can't live with him. She talks as though not including him would be ungenerous.

I feel like I'm being held hostage to this relationship. What can we do?-- Frustrated Family

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your sister is more concerned about her abusive husband's comfort than yours. That's something to keep in mind as you move forward.

Now that these two are separated and your sister has a home of her own, you no longer need to treat them as a constant family unit. The generous thing to do is to give him an opportunity to behave well, along with a crystal-clear heads-up about how things are going to go in your home from now on (though you can only speak for yourself, not other family members).

Let's say you are going to host this year's Thanksgiving dinner. You contact him separately in advance and say, "Steve, we've tolerated years of abuse, disrespect and other nonsense from you. We had to because you were married to my sister. But from now on you should be on your best behavior while at my home. If you behave in any way I find objectionable, I will ask you to leave."

If he behaves badly, you ask him to leave, and if your sister insists on going with him, you should simply tell her, "Do whatever you want to do. I completely understand."

DEAR AMY: I've been to two weddings recently where the wedding party disappeared in a party bus between the ceremony and the reception.

At first I thought the purpose was to stop at some scenic spots and get some candid photos, but I was mistaken: The purpose was to drink! The guests waited for more than an hour for the wedding party to show up at the reception. In one case, the wedding party showed up completely inebriated. We were served hors d'oeuvres and drinks, but felt like the newlyweds and bridal party were no-shows.

Is this a national trend or is rudeness localized to my area? Is there a polite way to inquire whether there will be a party bus at the wedding before I RSVP? I will definitely want to make other plans if this is the case.-- Abandoned Guest

DEAR ABANDONED: I am aware of this trend. In my mind this is all about immature couples treating their nuptials like they're taking a trip to Vegas with their buddies, instead of celebrating with family and friends.

There is no polite way to inquire about this in advance, but one way to plan for it would be to pack some playing cards and run your own mini-casino at the reception.

DEAR AMY: Like "Hopeless in the Suburbs," my sexual addiction was out of control. I sought help from a program called Celebrate Recovery, founded by Pastor Rick Warren. I truly believe working this program saved my life.-- Healing and Happy

DEAR HEALING: There are many programs within faith practices and available through research on the Internet. The first step is to seek help.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Oct 29, 2013
1- If she'd rather be with the abuser, tell her to enjoy.

2- People drink at weddings now? Dam demoralization of society. The last wedding I went to, the reception was held four hours after the wedding. The father of the bride held a pre-reception party at his house. And by the time the wedding party showed up at the reception hall, they were all blasted. It was hilarious.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Oct 29, 2013
1 You are being held hostage, quit being a doormat in your own home and tell her you will miss her being with the family.

2 So, waiting for an hour for them to get some scenic shots is ok, but waiting an hour for them to have some alone time with their closes friends (the bridal party) is not? How do you distinguish the loss of the hour?
Just because they drank does not mean they did not pose for pictures as well. Why is the wedding about YOU anyway?

3 Get a sock puppet.
pde

Palatine, IL

#4 Oct 29, 2013
RACE wrote:
Just because they drank does not mean they did not pose for pictures as well.
Right. Isn't it pretty common for the bride and groom to be stuck doing pictures at the church for at least 30 minutes after the wedding, and possibly go off to do pictures elsewhere before the reception? Most weddings I've attended have had at least two hours between ceremony and reception, some as much as four. Some of that time is driven by when you can get the church and the reception hall (it was difficult to get a reception hall before 4pm and the only available ceremony slot was 11am for about the next year and a half).

It's not impossible to both drink and get something else like pictures accomplished.
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#5 Oct 29, 2013
1. What has already been said. If she chooses him, then tell her you will miss her.

2. We've heard of bridezillas, momzillas, and now a guestzilla?!

3. Again, hook him up with the nympho who isn't gettin any from her husband.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#6 Oct 29, 2013
LW1: You've put up with him for 35 years, too. Now you have a decision to make. Do you want to see your sister at these family holidays badly enough to continue to tolerate her husband?

LW2: There's always a gap between ceremony and reception, usually for pictures. But I think the party bus idea is stupid, too, and there's generally plenty of time to get sloshed at the reception, if that's what you do. I haven't heard of this practice around here.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#7 Oct 29, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: You've put up with him for 35 years, too. Now you have a decision to make. Do you want to see your sister at these family holidays badly enough to continue to tolerate her husband?
LW2: There's always a gap between ceremony and reception, usually for pictures. But I think the party bus idea is stupid, too, and there's generally plenty of time to get sloshed at the reception, if that's what you do. I haven't heard of this practice around here.
Most peopme, inmy experience, do a limo, though, not a party bus. It's ot that different.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#8 Oct 29, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
Most peopme, inmy experience, do a limo, though, not a party bus. It's ot that different.
Limos are way cooler, but whatever floats your boat. I wouldn't get upset about it either way, assuming that the party is already starting at the reception - appetizers, drinks, music, etc.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#9 Oct 29, 2013
LW1: And now is your chance, after 35 years, to tell the abusive almost ex-BIL that you will not tolerate any mistreatment of your sister in your house. The same goes for your mother and your other relatives.
pde

Palatine, IL

#10 Oct 29, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
Limos are way cooler, but whatever floats your boat. I wouldn't get upset about it either way, assuming that the party is already starting at the reception - appetizers, drinks, music, etc.
I can see the concept of the bus. We did a limo, but ended up deciding not to stuff the whole wedding party into it (one of the groomsmen also drove my station wagon over and had the rest of the wedding party in it). My cousin's wedding, they did buses between the ceremony and reception, because the ceremony was at a church in the city with limited parking, and the reception at a hotel by O'Hare (we parked at the hotel, took the bus to the ceremony, then took the bus back). There was a bus for the wedding party alone. It was a good idea.

We are talking about the kind of small, white buses here, not the big hokin' buses.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Oct 29, 2013
L1: Figure out what you want, then state it clearly to both your sister and her husband. Do it in a clear, concise but kind way.

L2: I, too, am wondering what the BFD is whether they're taking pics or hanging out, as long as they show up at the reception when they should.

L3: Okay.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#12 Oct 29, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
Limos are way cooler, but whatever floats your boat. I wouldn't get upset about it either way, assuming that the party is already starting at the reception - appetizers, drinks, music, etc.
I agree. As long as the guests aren't left twiddling their thumbs, what's the big deal?

Did you guys see this week's Prudie where the bride refused to let any pictures be taken without her and the groom in them after the wedding???

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#13 Oct 29, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
Most peopme, inmy experience, do a limo, though, not a party bus. It's ot that different.
What happened here? Have a mini stroke?

:p
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#14 Oct 29, 2013
#2 screams of entitlement issues. Omg, go to the wedding. Bring an etiquette book and your checkbook and a card. If they don't show up give them the book as a gift. If they do show up write them a check. But most of all bring your pacifier and diapers because you are a big whiny baby!
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#15 Oct 29, 2013
When my brother got married about 20 years ago they had a RV so they could fit the wedding party. We took pictures and had some drinks if I can remember but certainly not enough to get so plastered they wouldn't remember their wedding day.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Des Plaines, IL

#16 Oct 29, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
Most peopme, inmy experience, do a limo, though, not a party bus. It's ot that different.
last wedding i was at, it was a school bus... wedding was on the family farm, with 5 or 6 pairs of attendants & 5 kids, and i have no idea wehere tehy went. the guests were left behind with 2 cheese trays, a veggie tray and clueless bartenders. they were slow & didn't know what they had on hand. people started doubling up - spouses would each order a roudn of drinks for both of them.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#17 Oct 30, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
What happened here? Have a mini stroke?
:p
Sure looks like it!:-)

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 27 min Realtime 1,536,126
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 5 hr District 1 240,936
Supply of m-oll-y, tar,ku*sh etc 10 hr Chicago IL 1
News Chicago's population decline continues for the ... 17 hr Cheech the Conser... 6
News Thaddeus S. "Ted" Lechowicz, 1938-2009: Cook Co... (Jan '09) 21 hr Jackson Browne 2
Jonny's Towing is Chicagoland's Most Crooked Co... Sat Earl 54
An EF-5 tornado would knock the Willis Tower ri... Sat Storm guy 1

Chicago Jobs

More from around the web

Personal Finance

Chicago Mortgages