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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#1
Sep 4, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago one of my granddaughters was molested by her mother's (my daughter's) then-boyfriend, whom they were living with. When the girl's father found out, he called the police and the man was arrested, tried and convicted.

Abby, while he was out on bail, my daughter married him! She doesn't believe the molestation took place. If I were in her shoes, I would certainly believe my 8-year-old daughter over a boyfriend about something so damaging.

I cut off contact with this daughter, as did her sisters. She occasionally calls my husband (who is not her father) when she wants something, and I have received a few texts, which I ignore.

Am I doing the right thing? I sometimes feel guilty, but it angers me that she didn't stand behind her daughter and has made no effort to see either of her girls over the past two years. I see them often because their dad knows I stand with the girls 100 percent.-- GRANDMA IN OHIO

DEAR GRANDMA: The answer to your question depends upon why your daughter hasn't seen her children in two years. If it's because their father won't allow it, then her estrangement from her daughters isn't her fault. If it has been her choice, however, then stop feeling guilty.

DEAR ABBY: I need your opinion about my ex-husband and his lack of respect for boundaries. He moved out of our home two years ago, but never changed his mailing address. We have been officially divorced for six months. He feels it's OK to come to our "married house" anytime he wants. We have two teenage children who refuse to spend the night with him.

When he comes to my house, he goes through the mail, opens the cabinets and refrigerators, even goes into my room when I'm not home and watches TV. I am dating someone new and don't feel comfortable with this setup. I'm worried it will cause problems with my new friend, and I don't know how to stop this madness.

We currently have the "married house" on the market, and I want to make sure he knows he won't be welcome in my new home if not invited. How do I avoid conflict with him and my kids?-- REALLY DIVORCED IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR REALLY DIVORCED: You should have set clear boundaries the day your divorce became official, but it's still not too late to do so. Tell your ex to notify the post office -- and his creditors -- of his change of address, and that if his mail continues to show up at your house, after a month it will be returned to the post office with the notation "not at this address."

You should also inform him and your children that you do not want him in your house in your absence. If he doesn't respect your wishes, then change the locks. The time he spends with your teenage children should also be elsewhere. He may not like the fact that you are establishing your independence, but you have a right to your privacy.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Sundown starts Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. It is the beginning of our time of solemn introspection. I would like to wish you all "Leshana tova tikatevu" -- may you be inscribed in the Book of Life and enjoy another good year.

Since: Jan 10

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#2
Sep 4, 2013
 

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L1: My dear friend -- for whom I am babysitting tonight -- was raped by her stepfather when she was a young teen. Her mother took stepdad's side. This was over 15 years ago, and he is STILL in prison (just based on a couple of things she's said, I have reason to believe he recorded (video) his abuse of her). To have her mother betray her was like being molested all over again.

You are not doing the wrong thing. Your daughter is an enabler who wants what she wants, her children be damned. She deserves to be shunned and ostracized the rest of her life.

L2: CHANGE. YOUR. LOCKS. TODAY.

My friend's ex did this. THeir kids ratted dad out to her. They knew he wasn't supposed to go into her bedroom and go through her drawers. She had to get a lock installed on her bedroom door.

I disagree that she should tell the kids dad's not allowed in her house. I think that's putting too much on the kids -- to refuse to allow their dad in. However, they are old enough to be waiting outside or right at the door when he arrives, and by the time he's put the car in park, they should be out the locked door and heading to his car for visitation with dad.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#3
Sep 4, 2013
 
1. At least you could go visit your daughter in the trailer park to hear her side.

2. Call your lawyer and get a restraining order of some sort to prevent more serious issues. I'll bet your ex doesn't know you're dating, does he?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#4
Sep 4, 2013
 

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1 Glad the girls father was in the picture to step up for the kids. As for the mother, screw her. She made her bed, now let her sleep in it. Is the guy in jail now? If not then she will come back once she is alone again, if so then be glad she is not around.

2 I could swear I have read this letter before.

3 Yeah, mozeltof to you too, whatever that means.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#5
Sep 4, 2013
 
LW1: There is nothing to feel guilty about. Your daughter is lower than whale poop.

LW2: Stop letting him walk all over you. Itís really quite simple.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

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#6
Sep 4, 2013
 
LW1 - I don't care WHY she has not seen her daughters. She is an idiot. She married her daughter's molester!!!!! Even if she WANTED to see her kids, you and the girls' father should do everything in your joint power to not let her.

LW2 - Change the freaking locks. Refuse mail. It's not that difficult. Just write "not at this address" on the envelopes that end up in your mailbox.

OT:

We bought our current house after its previous owner died, and her kids sold it. Apparently, the now deceased lady belonged to to some religious charitable organization. They kept sending her donation solicitations and membership renewals to our address, so about a year ago (5 years after we bought the house and, to my knowledge, almost 7 years after the lady died), I decided to call them and tell them to stop sending the solicitations. I had already done the "not at this address" and "deceased. Return to sender" bit, and it hand't worked.

So, I called. They said that they could not remove the lady's name from their mailing list because they needed a death certificate to confirm her death. I said I didn't have a death certificate since I was not related to the lady and had never met her in her life, and I had no idea where her kids were or who they were because I had never met them either.(In CA, all sales are handled through escrow, and the buyer and the seller often do not ever meet face-to-face). The organization kept insisting on seeing a death certificate, so now they are wasting their money on postage because all solicitations go straight in the recycling bin.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#7
Sep 4, 2013
 

Judged:

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LW1: "Am I doing the right thing?"

Yes and stop feeling guilty.

LW2: Why did you not have the locks changed the very first time he did this?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#8
Sep 4, 2013
 

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L1: The LW did the only thing that should have been done. That grandmother is making a lasting beautiful impact on the grandchildren which they need after a mother who betrayed her child so completely.

L2: Changing the locks won't do anything except keep him out when the kids aren't there. I'd take him to court and install an inexpensive video surveillance cameras at the doors. They're pretty cheap now. Douche bag.

L3: Happy New Year to the observant Jewish friends out there.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#9
Sep 4, 2013
 
I would tell them to shove it. No way am I sending out a death cert to anyone except an official agency (IRS, SSI, CC etc.) "FSM Charity Bus" is not getting something that could be used for identity theft.
Cass wrote:
So, I called. They said that they could not remove the lady's name from their mailing list because they needed a death certificate to confirm her death.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#10
Sep 4, 2013
 
1- Abby was sure quick to blame the girl's father for the mother's estrangement.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#11
Sep 4, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
.
3 Yeah, mozeltof to you too, whatever that means.
It means congratulations or Luck to you. It i usually spelled mazeltov.

The greeting is usually gut yuntif with gut pronounced like in German

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#12
Sep 4, 2013
 
Cass wrote:
LW1 - I don't care WHY she has not seen her daughters. She is an idiot. She married her daughter's molester!!!!! Even if she WANTED to see her kids, you and the girls' father should do everything in your joint power to not let her.
LW2 - Change the freaking locks. Refuse mail. It's not that difficult. Just write "not at this address" on the envelopes that end up in your mailbox.
OT:
We bought our current house after its previous owner died, and her kids sold it. Apparently, the now deceased lady belonged to to some religious charitable organization. They kept sending her donation solicitations and membership renewals to our address, so about a year ago (5 years after we bought the house and, to my knowledge, almost 7 years after the lady died), I decided to call them and tell them to stop sending the solicitations. I had already done the "not at this address" and "deceased. Return to sender" bit, and it hand't worked.
So, I called. They said that they could not remove the lady's name from their mailing list because they needed a death certificate to confirm her death. I said I didn't have a death certificate since I was not related to the lady and had never met her in her life, and I had no idea where her kids were or who they were because I had never met them either.(In CA, all sales are handled through escrow, and the buyer and the seller often do not ever meet face-to-face). The organization kept insisting on seeing a death certificate, so now they are wasting their money on postage because all solicitations go straight in the recycling bin.
If it is junk mail just toss it. It used to be that you could write retrn to sender and the source would get stuck for teh postage but I am not sure if that is still true.
You could ask the post office.
If you are really aggravated, see what sate they are based in and contact the agency which regulates charities and reports them.
Asking for a death certificate is waaayyy out of line.

We have been in this house since 1988. We bought it from a lady who was in her late 80's and who at that time had been a widow for many years. We get junk mail addressed to her and her husband.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

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#13
Sep 4, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
I would tell them to shove it. No way am I sending out a death cert to anyone except an official agency (IRS, SSI, CC etc.) "FSM Charity Bus" is not getting something that could be used for identity theft.
<quoted text>
That's pretty much what I did. Also, in CA I couldn't get an authorized copy of the death certificate for the lady even if I wanted to (and I don't want to). Only the people listed on the certificate (obviously, for birth, marriage, and divorce, not death), relatives, and legal representatives can do so. Others can get only "information" copies. And I am not bloody taking time of of my day and paying $16 so that some charity can remove somebody I don't even know but who happened to live at my current address years ago from their mailing list. Screw them. If they want to keep sending me junk mail, it's their problem, not mine.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#14
Sep 4, 2013
 
Saluki Rod wrote:
I'll bet your ex doesn't know you're dating, does he?
doea he have any right to that info?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#15
Sep 4, 2013
 
Cass wrote:
LW1 - I don't care WHY she has not seen her daughters. She is an idiot. She married her daughter's molester!!!!! Even if she WANTED to see her kids, you and the girls' father should do everything in your joint power to not let her.
LW2 - Change the freaking locks. Refuse mail. It's not that difficult. Just write "not at this address" on the envelopes that end up in your mailbox.
OT:
We bought our current house after its previous owner died, and her kids sold it. Apparently, the now deceased lady belonged to to some religious charitable organization. They kept sending her donation solicitations and membership renewals to our address, so about a year ago (5 years after we bought the house and, to my knowledge, almost 7 years after the lady died), I decided to call them and tell them to stop sending the solicitations. I had already done the "not at this address" and "deceased. Return to sender" bit, and it hand't worked.
So, I called. They said that they could not remove the lady's name from their mailing list because they needed a death certificate to confirm her death. I said I didn't have a death certificate since I was not related to the lady and had never met her in her life, and I had no idea where her kids were or who they were because I had never met them either.(In CA, all sales are handled through escrow, and the buyer and the seller often do not ever meet face-to-face). The organization kept insisting on seeing a death certificate, so now they are wasting their money on postage because all solicitations go straight in the recycling bin.
I can't believe you wasted even a minute to call them.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#16
Sep 4, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>doea he have any right to that info?
Right to the info? No
As a courtesy so he doesn't get blindsided? A smart thing to do.

OTOH if ex comes over at inappropriate times, new BF's car in the drive is like hanging a tie on the door knob. It might just be the thing which gets it through ex's head that they are not really married anymore.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

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#17
Sep 4, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> I can't believe you wasted even a minute to call them.
Ah, that's what trying to be nice to somebody got me. Oh, well, into trash their missives go.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#18
Sep 4, 2013
 
LW1: Yes, you are doing the right thing in standing by your granddaughters and cutting off contact with your daughter for now.(Some women are SO desperate!!)

LW2: It is relatively inexpensive to get your locks changed and well worth the expense. Submit a change of address for your ex immediately. Quit being so nice and demand respect.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#19
Sep 4, 2013
 
LW1: I wouldn't talk to her either. She failed her child miserably and was willing to put her child at risk again by marrying the scumbag. She might as well molested the child herself. LW should keep doing what she's doing and not give it a second thought.

LW2: New locks or move.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#20
Sep 4, 2013
 

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PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Right to the info? No
As a courtesy so he doesn't get blindsided? A smart thing to do.
.
Blndsided? They are DIVORCED. Her love life should not affect him in any way. If they had no kids to somewhat tie the together, you would not expect her to give him a heads up. Hell, if they had no kids, there'd be no problem if they never talked again. I fail to see why having kids entitles him to any information about her love life.

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