“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Dec 23, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in an exclusive, committed relationship with "Vince." We have talked about a future together and getting married. My only issue is I can't seem to keep him off of dating sites. Even when I catch Vince red-handed, he'll deny it or blame it on his friend "using his ID."

I have asked him over and over to delete the sites, but he won't. He continues to tell me he's in love with me and wants only me. He says I'm the woman of his dreams. If that's true, there should be no need for him to look anymore, right?

Please help me understand his obsession, and if there are any tools I can use to be more effective to talk to Vince about this.-- FUMING IN FLORIDA

DEAR FUMING: Your communication tools are just fine. Your ability to recognize when someone is stringing you along is what needs improvement.

You may feel you are in a committed relationship, but Vince appears to be less committed than you are. Worse, he also has a problem telling the truth. If Vince wanted only you and was ready to settle down, he wouldn't compulsively look online to see who else is available.

DEAR ABBY: I'm conflicted about my role in supporting my children through the death of my ex-wife. We divorced 25 years ago. There was no significant other in her life. I would like to support them emotionally, but I feel the burial, funeral, etc., are matters for their family and her relatives.

My question is, am I right? And how soon should I go and be with my children? We have been in close touch, and I believe they know that I care and I'm here for them. They live across the country, so the distance and cost of transportation are concerns.-- CONFLICTED IN TEXAS

DEAR CONFLICTED: I'm sure no one expects you to contribute financially to the funeral of someone from whom you have been divorced for a quarter of a century. However, you should ask your adult children if they would like you to attend for emotional support. Because they are all grown and presumably busy with their lives, if your presence isn't needed at the funeral, you could schedule a family reunion at a time when it's convenient for all of you.

DEAR ABBY: What do I do about a friend who often interrupts a conversation to check his phone and look up the topic on the Internet? He then adds to -- or corrects -- the discussion we are having. It's starting to ruin the friendship. Any advice?-- OVERCORRECTED IN TEXAS

DEAR OVERCORRECTED: Whether someone doing this is offensive or not depends upon the spirit in which it's being done. Your friend may not be certain that what he -- or you -- is saying is correct and he wants to verify it. Often when people check information online, they find more information on the subject. Your friend may be doing it in the spirit of helpfulness. My husband and I do this with each other often, and neither of us is offended.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Dec 23, 2013
L1: he will not change. You cannot change him. Why are you with him? I am sending you to the cheluzal school of crotch kicking.

L2: ASK them what they need/want from you. They may need nothing (and be getting their support from their relatives). Maybe they will ask you things about her, like how you met or other early relationship stuff. But they are adults and you have been apart from their mom most of their lives it seems. It is okay if they don't need you right now.

L3: TALK to your friend, if the friendship is important enough that you don't want to lose it, speak up honestly. It is worth a shot, right?

Oftentimes, I think these LWs just need to be given a script.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#3 Dec 23, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: he will not change. You cannot change him. Why are you with him? I am sending you to the cheluzal school of crotch kicking.
.
Niiice! Bajingo punch coming her way, too.
Seriously....deny or friend using his ID? I can't believe people fall for this mess.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#4 Dec 23, 2013
3: Sadly, I predict friend will dismiss and not change.
My bestie and I are still on ginger terms because I got mad at the incessant texting at the dinner table and every single second she has available.
Apparently, calling people out on that makes YOU the offending one and I've found no one willing to punctuate that abhorrent behavior.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Dec 23, 2013
Lw1: can you browse dating site profiles without having your own account? If not, sounds like mire than one person in this stiry still has a dating site account.

Lw2: what amby said

Lw3: so he's using the web to get info pertinent to the discussion? So what. I bet you'd have no problem if he grabbed a book of his bookshelf and paged thru it to find something to further the discussion. Technophobe.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#6 Dec 23, 2013
1- Maybe your relationship isn't as "exclusive" and "committed" as you think

2-Yeah, ask

3- Are smart phones making us smarter, or dumber?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Dec 23, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
3: Sadly, I predict friend will dismiss and not change.
My bestie and I are still on ginger terms because I got mad at the incessant texting at the dinner table and every single second she has available.
Apparently, calling people out on that makes YOU the offending one and I've found no one willing to punctuate that abhorrent behavior.
Perhaps no one else in her circle has a problem with her behavior...

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#8 Dec 23, 2013
L1 .I have a different take on Vince's behavior but I came of age long before dating websites.

People window shop with no intention of buying.After I have bought something, I still look.

People, guys mostly, look at p*orn as a pure spectator sport.Rumor has it that married guys have been looking at Playboy since the early 1950's. For me, no big deal.

I think LW needs to lighten up on that issue.

However, the fact that he is lying, and lying badly, is more serious. A friend using his ID? LW would be seeing tis on Vince's computer, so just how many of his friends use hs computer. Just as easy to clock the computer so it doesn't remember the password. If Vince can't remember "Horny4You" as his password, he deserves what he ( doesn't) get.

L2 Unless Abby is responding with lightening speed, this is a moot point for LW- the ex is alredy buried, the funeral occurred and maybe there might be a memorial service in teh future which LW could attend.
Me? If I had kids with someone, I would show up at their funeral.

3 Know it all's are not pleasant to be around. People who always look something up for the purpose of showing that you are wrong and they are right are asinine. An occasional fact check is different, imnsho

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Dec 23, 2013
LW1: Start your own on-line dating account and see if you can get him to date you.

LW2: You're in close touch, but not close enough for you to figure out that they might need you there. As PE points out, it's likely too late anyway.

LW3: Text him next time he does this to tell him you don't like it when he does this.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#10 Dec 23, 2013
LW1: A former co-worker said that her husband would tell her when he was caught flirting, "But it's only YOU I love!" Vince is a real charmer, huh? Do yourself a favor. Don't marry him. The chances of him sticking around for the long haul are not good.

LW2: You live in Texas and you can't afford a trip "across the country"? I checked, just because I am bored @ work today. Airfares are crazy high due to the holidays. However, I don't think money is your real concern. I'm with PE. I would attend the funeral. But if you don't/didn't, definitely ask what they need from you and schedule a visit very soon. It's hard to lose a parent, and they will appreciate your concern and support.

LW3: I agree w/Abby, it really depends on the spirit in which this is being done. I was having dinner with friends the other night and we did a fact check on our phones over a topic because none of us could remember details. Now, if this happened every time, I *might* find it annoying. Generally, I put the phone away when I'm out with friends unless I need to check the time.
Blunt Advice

Staten Island, NY

#11 Dec 23, 2013
1 vince is a creep so dump him.
2. Funerals are for supporting the living. Go for your kids.
3 find less argumentative friends.
gary the gay dude

New York, NY

#12 Dec 23, 2013
Dear Abby,

I got scabies from a public bathroom and gave them to my beau "Monty." Monty thinks I was cheating on him now like I am some type of slut. How do I convince Monty that scabies can be transmitted via toilet?

Gary

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#13 Dec 23, 2013
Team Red. Not into snark today
pde

Gilberts, IL

#14 Dec 23, 2013
Lw3: You're the type of person who who rather that real information not disrupt your world view, aren't you?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#15 Dec 23, 2013
Like the mutt?
pde wrote:
Lw3: You're the type of person who who rather that real information not disrupt your world view, aren't you?
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#16 Dec 23, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
Generally, I put the phone away when I'm out with friends unless I need to check the time.
Be my friend? LOL!
I hate when my friends cannot put the bloody phones down for a minute. They need them surgically removed. We were out at a nice restaurant in MN (recent conference) and all 3 had their noses in their dumbphone whilst I sat looking around like a fool. It was so rude but they tell me they can text whenever, so they refuse to modify behavior.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#17 Dec 26, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
<quoted text>
Be my friend? LOL!
I hate when my friends cannot put the bloody phones down for a minute. They need them surgically removed. We were out at a nice restaurant in MN (recent conference) and all 3 had their noses in their dumbphone whilst I sat looking around like a fool. It was so rude but they tell me they can text whenever, so they refuse to modify behavior.
I think it's horribly rude and offensive. If they can text "whenever" they should text at a time when they aren't supposed to be visiting with other people, like after dinner.

It drives me crazy, as well. There's a time and a place for everything. At dinner with friends or co-workers is not one of them.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#18 Dec 26, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
3: Sadly, I predict friend will dismiss and not change.
My bestie and I are still on ginger terms because I got mad at the incessant texting at the dinner table and every single second she has available.
Apparently, calling people out on that makes YOU the offending one and I've found no one willing to punctuate that abhorrent behavior.
I do not think you are wrong here. Maybe she's just embarrassed because she was being a selfish clod and you called her out on it?
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#19 Dec 28, 2013
I don't know.
She flamed me in an email saying she was mad and she was a grown woman and could text her hubby and/or mother anytime she wanted.

I might not have said my part correctly, but I just got sick of saying things for 3 years to no avail and kinda blew up.
We're moving on and I love her to bits, but I will never be okay with this behavior. Your hubby and mother are grown adults who can go a flaming hour without hearing from you...

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#20 Dec 30, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
I don't know.
She flamed me in an email saying she was mad and she was a grown woman and could text her hubby and/or mother anytime she wanted.
I might not have said my part correctly, but I just got sick of saying things for 3 years to no avail and kinda blew up.
We're moving on and I love her to bits, but I will never be okay with this behavior. Your hubby and mother are grown adults who can go a flaming hour without hearing from you...
Not only that, but being an adult doesn't give you a unilateral right to be rude to the people around you that you are supposed to be spending time with. Being an adult means you have the wisdom to know that there's a time and a place for everything. Well, it means you SHOULD have that wisdom, anyway!

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