“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jun 24, 2013
DEAR AMY: My fiance has a 4-year-old son from a previous relationship who was recently diagnosed with high-functioning autism. That prompted my fiance's parents to finally tell him that he also was diagnosed with this as a child.

Neither diagnosis was a surprise, but it has understandably been difficult for him.

For the past few months, the child's mother has made almost daily Twitter and Facebook posts about their son's condition that really upset my fiance. The shared pictures and quotes make it seem like their child is very impaired by his condition, which he isn't.

He's being painted as a helpless victim who will need lifelong care, not the intelligent, funny and lively boy that he is.

I don't think she realizes how offensive and hurtful this is on my fiance's end. He has the same relatively mild diagnosis and he grew into a happy, successful adult. It's hard for him to see her talking about their child as if his future went from bright and happy to bleak and full of challenges the second he was diagnosed.

She has every right to her feelings about the diagnosis, but the way that she's expressing herself is putting a real strain on their interactions. Is there any way he can tell his ex (who is no great fan of his) that her way of talking about their son's autism, and autism in general, is upsetting to him, without being offensive himself?-- Overshared

DEAR OVERSHARED: I appreciate your thoughtfulness -- and your determination not to let this particular label define a young child.

Your fiance should approach his ex in the spirit of being effective parents, not about how her behavior affects his own self-esteem. The two of them should meet with the person who made the diagnosis. They should discuss the child's challenges and the best way to meet them.

I agree that inflating this situation on social networks shows poor judgment. The father should advocate for his son by asking his ex, "Do you think this is an accurate portrayal of our son? How do you think it affects his relationships and his ability to understand and navigate this challenge when people think he's more disabled than he is?"

The father should spend as much time as possible with his son on a regular schedule for many reasons -- but also to offer a real-life example of how to thrive.

DEAR AMY: A few days ago I was fired from the job I had for over a year. The manager claimed that I violated the company's harassment policy but I maintain that I didn't.

I admit that what I said that caused the issue was in poor judgment but was definitely not harassment.

Since then I've been really depressed. This is the first job I've been fired from for allegedly doing something wrong. It doesn't help that I already have long-term issues with depression and have been on medication for it for many years.

How do I cope with the situation and get out of my funk so that I can move on?-- Depressed and Unemployed

DEAR DEPRESSED: My counsel is for you to work harder to gain some clarity about your actions. Then, regardless of whether this firing was justified, you should concentrate on not repeating this mistake, turning the page and moving forward.

If you are taking medication for depression, get in touch with the prescribing physician and ask for a checkup and referral for talk therapy. This human contact will help you to strategize about how to put your funk behind you and make a fresh start. You might be inspired by reading the latest edition of the classic book for job-seekers, "What Color Is Your Parachute? 2012: A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers," by Richard N. Bolles (2011, Ten Speed Press).

DEAR AMY: The letter from "Anxious" brought back tough memories. Anxious was getting married soon and didn't want her abusive father to attend.

You advised her to inform her father, but in my situation I got married and then let my father know after the fact.-- No Longer Anxious

DEAR ANXIOUS: A valid choice.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Jun 24, 2013
L1: You seem more concerned with a grown adult (your fiance) than with the child. Is the child aware of this? Is his mother treating him like a helpless baby or just playing the victim role on social media? Your fiance needs to grow up and stop following his ex on FB and twitter (same goes for you). Grow the hell up.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Jun 24, 2013
1 Tell your fiance to quit being a baby and start advocating for his son. How he feels about what the X is saying is just tough titties for him. But he needs to make that woman realize that kids grow up to be what is expected of them, and if she treats he kid like he is retarded, that what he will be.

2 You F*ked up, and you want to blame it on your depression and meds instead of taking responsibility for it. Typical. This is why I dont take meds.

3 So what's your point?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#4 Jun 24, 2013
LW1: Yeah, what Red and RACE said.

LW2: Sounds like you need to go back to therapy.

LW3: Yum, pointless rehash!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#5 Jun 24, 2013
Ha! No bones to choke on!
squishymama wrote:
LW3: Yum, pointless rehash!

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#6 Jun 24, 2013
1: So Rainman's mother....what is really your point?

2: Get off the couch and get moving.

3: You lost me for why your rehash matters.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#7 Jun 24, 2013
LW1: Yawn. If your fiance functioned and succeeded fine despite ALLEGEDLY having some form of autism (somethow, I doubt that was the case, but these days if someone sneezes sideways they are told they have some form of autism), then he is "functioning" enough to say something to the ex. I, frankly, think they should get a second (third?) opinion about the child and, if he really does have some form of autism, work together to help the kid succeed and be the best he can be. If bio mom can't do this, maybe fiance should petition for full custody.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Jun 24, 2013
LW1: IF they don't get along and she's not a fan of his, I'm not sure why they are connected on facebook or twitter. That's really the problem, right there.

Also, this is really his issue to deal with, not yours.

LW2: Bad experiences are a useful form of teaching. So, you just need to learn from your mistakes, own it and accept responsibility for it, and then move on. It's natural to dwell on bad things at first, but after a certain point in time, dwelling on it is not useful and you need to move on. It's most important to learn from it, tho.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#9 Jun 24, 2013
The mom is playing game of Poor me, I have a disabled child. It gets attention and sympathy for her. What LW thinks is that it is at the expense of the child.

However, he is 4. When he gets into the school system, he will be screened again and given services as needed assuming they are in a decent school district.It is not the label, IMO, it is the ability to function that will make the difference. Very few of his friends will see what his mom wrote about him when he is 4.

L2 I don't think he is blaming his screw up on hi meds, but he certainly is not taking responsibility and is out of awareness of what others think is harassment.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Jun 24, 2013
L1: Sometimes kids grow into labels. I agree with Pellen, but the attitude will be there. In any event, the LW needs to give her finance support but stay out of it. Not her battle.

L2: See your psychologist. If you don't have one, get one. Also, see your psychiatrist. Your meds might need tweaking. The LW also comes off as someone who doesn't want to take responsibility. That might not be depression. That might just be an a-hole.

L3: I think the better way to go.

Since: May 13

Monterey, CA

#11 Jun 24, 2013
LW1: Team PEllen.

LW2: My two former co-workers were, IMHO, unfairly reprimanded for harrassment. I don't know what LW said or did, so I'm going to take him at his word that it was something said in poor judgement rather than flagrant harrassment, as was the case with my former co-workers. LW needs to look forward and not back and put all of his energy into finding a new job and not mourning the old one. Better opportunities await! He should get some counseling for the depression and also get a job counselor to help him build his resume and improve his interviewing skills.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#12 Jun 24, 2013
1: So not your problem. I understand the whole "fiancÚ" thing, but really, I don't see it lasting anyway, so just let him deal with the ex and their kid and stay out of it.

2: STFU

3: sigh

Mimi---in a freaking cranky mood because 1: It's Monday and 2: This teacher, who I actually like, has assignments due every single day. Including tonight, first day of class. Nap time.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#13 Jun 24, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: IF they don't get along and she's not a fan of his, I'm not sure why they are connected on facebook
Common friends.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#14 Jun 24, 2013
Mimi Seattle wrote:
Mimi---in a freaking cranky mood because 1: It's Monday and 2: This teacher, who I actually like, has assignments due every single day. Including tonight, first day of class. Nap time.
Accelerate schedule because it is summer session?

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#16 Jun 24, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Accelerate schedule because it is summer session?
Yeah. Not my first rodeo, so I knew this, but damn. On the upside the other teacher doesn't even have anything online yet because she's in Korea still. I got a little paranoid and emailed her. Soooo can't be expected to make up for her not being ready which likely means less actual course work for that class. Yay. I can use the rest.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#17 Jun 25, 2013
How much more have you got before you finish?

Have you made any decisions about the east cost yet?

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