“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Aug 21, 2014
DEAR AMY: I have been married for more than 20 years to a very nice man who is a good father. We generally get along, but we don't have much of a romantic relationship.

It has always been this way (at least since early dating). He works hard and is devoted to both his career and children, but I feel like our relationship is not that important.

For the past few years we have spent very little time together as a couple. It has gotten to the point that we don't have much to do or say to each other.

I feel very lonely and can't seem to find any comfort with him. We have been to marriage counseling, but our issues were never resolved (at least to my satisfaction).

I feel like we are friends but not lovers. As I get older, I wonder what will become of us and how I will deal with the loneliness as our children move away. Do you have any advice?-- Friends Without Benefits

DEAR FRIENDS: Thoughtful parents and partners try to keep the relationship fires stoked during the kids' younger years by having date nights, going away together occasionally and overall putting the marriage at the center of the family.

In your counseling sessions, are you only looking for ways for him to change? Are there things you could do differently to try to inspire a shift in your marriage (and other relationships), thus easing your loneliness?

To enjoy a companionable togetherness, you two have to spend time together. Simply put, you have more to talk about when you've done things together. Traveling, hiking, bike riding, going to concerts or working on a home project together are all positive places to start.

Meanwhile, you should definitely continue with professional counseling on your own. Your loneliness could have deeper roots than your marriage alone.

DEAR AMY: I am 50 years old and a lesbian. My family has known this since I was 22 years old.

Five months ago I started a new relationship after being single for four years. My girlfriend is a wonderful person and wants to get to know my family.

My past long-term relationship didn't go well. That person was a leech who stole from me and from some of my family members. My family holds that over my head and won't let it go. My current girlfriend is not welcome at my parents' house and my siblings won't talk to her.

I am so devastated and hurt, I just feel like letting them all go.

My family are devout Catholics, and my being gay has always been a problem for them.-- Very Hurt in Seattle

DEAR HURT: Your family members are not punishing your girlfriend -- they don't know her and have no grounds to actively dislike her.

They are punishing you for allowing a previous partner to mistreat and violate your trust -- and theirs. They obviously don't trust your judgment.

You must acknowledge the part you played in this previous betrayal and apologize sincerely for the pain and hardship it caused.

After you acknowledge and apologize, tell your family how much their rejection has hurt you. Ask for a fresh start.

If they continue to punish and reject you, then yes -- you have a choice to make.

DEAR AMY: Responding to the letter from "Terrified," whose mother refused to wear a motorcycle helmet while riding: For those of us who wait and wait for an organ transplant, a motorcyclist speeding along without a helmet looks exactly like a squadron of useful organs flying (temporarily) in formation.

Each cyclist who dies of a brain injury can save at least five lives by supplying two kidneys, one heart, a pancreas, lungs and liver to patients for whom there may be no other viable treatment.

Let people who choose to wear a helmet do so, but don't criticize those who choose to take their chances and want to sacrifice their lives to save many more. Over 100,000 Americans are waiting for a kidney transplant; anything that increases the supply of lifesaving or life-extending organs can't be too bad.-- Peter

DEAR PETER: This is pretty stark, but I get your point. Thank you.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Aug 21, 2014
3 Wow Pete! and peeps call me callous.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Aug 21, 2014
1.There are many worse things than being married to a person with whom you are good friends.

2.I agree.Your family is punishing you not your new girlfriend. How long have you known her?

3.Harsh...but true. If you don't wear a helmet, sign your donor card.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#4 Aug 21, 2014
LW1 - Team PEllen

LW2 - I don't like your family.

LW3 - Team Pellen again.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#5 Aug 21, 2014
1- become swingers. But you say he's always been this way, why do you still think he's going to change?

2- I think it has less to do with you being a lesbian and more to do with your family members suffering the consequences of your poor decision making

3- I agree. I even think we should have "human farms" where we raise children for the sole purpose of harvesting their organs

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#6 Aug 21, 2014
L3. Riding a motorcylcle is not an automatic death sentence.
Those knuckleheads have a lot more to worry about than just traumatic brain injury if they should happen to wipe out or be so unlucky to get mowed over by an inattentive automobile driver.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Aug 21, 2014
LW1: Not sure why you married him if itís been this way since early dating. If he doesnít want to do the wild thing, hasnít been into it since early dating, and hasnít been into it even with counseling, I donít think much of anything will change, even when the kids grow up and leave and you have more time together.

LW2: Itís one thing if you want drama in your life. Itís another to expect everyone else to go along for the ride. Still I think your family is being too harsh, and should give the new gf a chance. If not, then you just need to accept that and consider if you want to be around them given that they won't let go of your past.

LW3: Yeah, Peter, someone dying so you can get their organs and live isnít so bad. What an a-hole.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#8 Aug 21, 2014
First off, Topix made the comment box extraordinarily large (for them). Encouraging Sub-like posts?

L1: Quit hoping he changes and perhaps you change. Be frank with him about what you really need from him. Spell it out in no uncertain terms. If your good friends you should be able to talk with him. Then decide what to do whether it's better to move on or not.

L2: Obviously, they didn't like having their things stolen. Who does?

L3: I get Peter. I'm more than a little sarcastic myself at times.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#9 Aug 21, 2014
RACE wrote:
3 Wow Pete! and peeps call me callous.
Well, now, I wouldn't say that.:)

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#10 Aug 21, 2014
TYVM!
boundary painter wrote:
<quoted text>
Well, now, I wouldn't say that.:)
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#11 Aug 21, 2014
LW1: Unlike a lot of LWs, you seem grateful for your husband's good qualities: nice, good father, easy to get along with, works hard, and is devoted to his career and children. Yesterday in Abby's column, we heard from a woman whose husband didn't work, didn't take care of the children, cheated on her, and had two children with a recent mistress. You made a better choice but there is one thing lacking. The problem is that if his libido wasn't great when he was younger, the chances of it improving now are slim and none. Let's work with the slim. Has he been to a doctor? Maybe he has low testosterone. Is he willing to take a romantic getaway trip with you? Take up a new hobby together? If he is truly easy to get along with, he should be willing to work with you on your marriage.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Aug 21, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: Unlike a lot of LWs, you seem grateful for your husband's good qualities: nice, good father, easy to get along with, works hard, and is devoted to his career and children. Yesterday in Abby's column, we heard from a woman whose husband didn't work, didn't take care of the children, cheated on her, and had two children with a recent mistress. You made a better choice but there is one thing lacking. The problem is that if his libido wasn't great when he was younger, the chances of it improving now are slim and none. Let's work with the slim. Has he been to a doctor? Maybe he has low testosterone. Is he willing to take a romantic getaway trip with you? Take up a new hobby together? If he is truly easy to get along with, he should be willing to work with you on your marriage.
You know, you are so right. I like how you looked at this letter.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#13 Aug 21, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
You know, you are so right. I like how you looked at this letter.
Thank you! So many times in these columns we see LW's who have put up with horrible partners for years. I honestly feel that today's LW has something to work with.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#14 Aug 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1
3- I agree. I even think we should have "human farms" where we raise children for the sole purpose of harvesting their organs
There is an excellent creepy sad novel exactly on this pint called never Let me Go by Murikami. They made it into a movie which I didn't see but teh book was wrenching.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#15 Aug 22, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
There is an excellent creepy sad novel exactly on this pint called never Let me Go by Murikami. They made it into a movie which I didn't see but teh book was wrenching.
I'll look it up, thanks

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