“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 May 20, 2013
DEAR AMY: I have been married for more than 15 years and have two great kids (14 and 9) with my wife. My life is seemingly perfect from the outside. No one would suspect there was a problem, but I've been living with the knowledge that I am gay for more than five years.

I didn't figure out my sexuality until after I was married. I became very depressed. My life would be so much easier if I were straight. I do love my wife and my kids, but I'm not attracted to her and have not been for quite a while.

Now I've met someone in a similar predicament. We have become best friends and share a lot of the same interests and values.

We have developed very strong feelings for each other, and I could imagine a life in which the two of us were together.

Should this other man and I continue to live a lie with our families and fake being happy, or should we tell our wives and kids the truth and have a potentially hurtful situation for everyone involved?

Sometimes I think it would be easier to just not say anything and sacrifice my own personal happiness for my family, but I'm not sure how long I'll be able to do that. What are your thoughts?-- Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: If you truly love your wife, you will tell her the truth -- before you tell anyone else. You are keeping your sexuality a secret from the person you are closest to. You say you are not attracted to her and have known this for some time. Imagine how sad and confused she must be about your relationship.

The most ethical thing to do is to deal with this within your marriage -- and not to engage in a relationship with this other man until you are both honest with your wives and out of your marriages.

A therapist with experience working with people who want to come out can help you find the most compassionate way to disclose this to your wife.

The Straight Spouse Network is a resource for straight people with gay spouses (straightspousedotorg). You should read through some of the testimonials and stories written by straight spouses for insight into what this process might be like for your wife. The organization might be able to help her connect with someone who has also been through this very challenging situation.

DEAR AMY: I'm in my mid 30s, I'm a really nice guy, but I never found that special someone.

I know that the bar scene is nowhere near the right place to look; online dating is just a nowhere road, so what do I do?

I've been doing it all wrong all of my life. I can't even find women who are close enough to my age these days. Lately, I've been saying that I'd rather stay single for the rest of my life than look for something I'll never find, but now I feel like I've been lying to myself.

It really does hurt my heart when I say that, but I can't help thinking it may never happen, no matter what I try.

I just don't know what I have to do. Are these normal feelings? Is it really worth my time thinking I'll find someone when I least expect it? Is there nothing I can do?-- Baffled Bachelor

DEAR BACHELOR: Every single thought you have is expressed in the negative. You say bars are not the place to look for a mate. Online matching is a "nowhere road." You've been "doing it all wrong."

The journey to meeting new friends and potential partners starts not in your heart but in your head. You need to look at everything you have tried in the past and make a determination to try new things with a positive attitude.

Online matching could actually be perfect for you. Research various matching sites and spend some time choosing the site that seems to reflect your own goals and values. If you approach the matching process as an opportunity simply to meet new people and polish your in-person skills, you might enjoy the process. Stay loose, stay open and choose to learn and grow as you go. Women like that.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 May 20, 2013
[cont]

DEAR AMY: "Heartbroken Mom" was upset because her daughter was estranged from her son because of a violent incident, possibly stemming from his bipolar disorder.

People with bipolar aren't always violent, though after I was diagnosed and began treatment, everyone in my family remarked on how volatile I was before.-- Recovered

DEAR RECOVERED: Many people felt this mother was overinvolved in trying to bring these siblings together. Now that he was being treated, the brother should take the lead to try to repair the sibling relationship.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 May 20, 2013
L1: Really? You're asking for permission to continue to lie to your wife, to betray her? THe fact that you're gay is not important, really. You want out. You should tell her you want out before you sleep with this other person (but I bet that's already happened). Behave in a way that you can look back on this time and be proud of how you handled a tough situation.

L2: "Stay loose, stay open and choose to learn and grow as you go. Women like that." What a stupid, canned generalization.

L3: And Amy misses the point this person was making.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 May 20, 2013
1- Bummer,your wife is gonna think she turned you gay.

2- Maybe if you weren't such a whineyass loser.... just go the hooker route, women are gonna cost you money anyway.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#5 May 20, 2013
1 I dont get it. They say people are born gay, but this guy did not turn gay until he was over 30. I think he is just confused.

2 Is there an online site for desperate losers? If so, thats the one you want.

3 rehash is burnt!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 May 20, 2013
LW1: What Red said.

LW2: You really are quite the Negative Nelly, aren't you? Just give up completely and get some cats.

LW3: Bipolar rehash is really hard to cook, Red. Cut Amy some slack.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#7 May 20, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 I dont get it. They say people are born gay, but this guy did not turn gay until he was over 30.
Nt all gay people were born that way. Common misconception.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#8 May 20, 2013
Ten years ago I had a way too close and personal encounter with a bi-polar co-worker. He was subsequently supposed to be under control under a mandatory EAP program. Just heard he threw a temper tantrum, threw a fire extinguisher and was arrested a couple months ago. His mug shot makes him look wasted.

They don't change.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#9 May 20, 2013
LW1: I agree with Amy. Don't proceed until you end your relationship with your wife. If you do it right, you can still have a close friendship with your wife for years to come and, most importantly, close relationships with your kids.

LW2: First, just accept that there is NOT a person for everyone in this world. That is a complete falsehood and a pipedream. Once you accept this, go about your life. If you meet someone, great, but if you don't you don't. But don't get all whiny about it.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 May 20, 2013
PEllen wrote:
Ten years ago I had a way too close and personal encounter with a bi-polar co-worker. He was subsequently supposed to be under control under a mandatory EAP program. Just heard he threw a temper tantrum, threw a fire extinguisher and was arrested a couple months ago. His mug shot makes him look wasted.
They don't change.
As with most things in life, there are different levels of bipolar. People cycle through the ups and downs at different levels and different speeds.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 May 20, 2013
L1: First, go get therapy. The therapist should help you with the process of telling your wife.

L2: Go and join things you like doing. You have a better chance on meeting someone who at least likes to do one thing you like to do and you'll come across as more pleasant, most likely.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#12 May 20, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Nt all gay people were born that way. Common misconception.
Right. Its not how you are born. Its a decision you make. What was it, like 5 or 6 kaks you swallowed before makng the conscious decision that you liked chicks better?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#13 May 20, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
Right. Its not how you are born. Its a decision you make. What was it, like 5 or 6 kaks you swallowed before makng the conscious decision that you liked chicks better?
Dude said so in the letter. He's been married for over 15 years but a couple of years ago decided he likes something else. Curious that it has only recently become an issue, don't you think? If he had always been this way, don't you think there might have been "signs? Why is he questioning himself NOW?

I'm telling ya, his wife turned him gay.

How do you get turned off from all women?

Marry one!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 May 20, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
He's been married for over 15 years but a couple of years ago decided he likes something else.
He said 'I didn't figure out my sexuality...'

'Decide' is YOUR word.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 2 min fetch almighty 1,154,412
Once slow-moving threat, global warming speeds ... (Dec '08) 50 min Cheech the Conser... 49,244
Topix Chitown Regulars (Aug '09) 1 hr Deputy Dog 98,857
Messianic Jews say they are persecuted in Israel (Jun '08) 1 hr JOEL 71,130
Obama pardons 2 Illinoisans, including former M... 1 hr Le Jimbo 20
BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 1 hr Jacques Ottawa 181,892
Abby 12-22 1 hr cheluzal 3
Chicago Dating
Find my Match
More from around the web

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

Chicago News, Events & Info

Click for news, events and info in Chicago

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]

NFL Latest News

Updated 8:09 am PST

NBC Sports 8:09AM
Marc Trestman: We'll talk about whether Jimmy Clausen starts again
NFL 8:57 AM
Dominic Raiola says Ferguson stomp was unintentional
NBC Sports10:07 AM
Robbie Gould questions benching of Jay Cutler
NBC Sports10:21 AM
Given history, Dominic Raiola can't get benefit of the doubt
NBC Sports10:31 AM
Cowboys' collapse never occurred