“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Aug 22, 2014
DEAR AMY: I host a dinner once a year for a group of friends. One of the couples in our group told us they have bedbugs in their house. They are NOT doing anything about it. They moved the furniture away from the wall and seem to think that's all they need to do.

I am terrified to have someone bring bedbugs into my house. I don't know what to do. How do I get out of having the dinner at my house?

I don't want to hurt their feelings or make a big deal in front of all of our friends. Please help with a solution or an excuse.-- Dilemma

DEAR DILEMMA: I shared your letter with Jody Gangloff-Kaufmann, an entomologist at Cornell University, who specializes in Cimex lectularius, commonly known as bedbugs. Our conversation actually made me itch with anxiety

People can transfer bedbugs on their clothing, bags, shoes or coats. Gangloff-Kaufmann said: "If someone has a bedbug problem at home that they are not addressing, they will probably end up with bedbugs in their clothing. It is negligent not to deal with them responsibly. It's like having the flu; you have a responsibility to try not to transmit it to other people." For more information and tips, check the website nysipm.cornelledu

Your friends were open about their bedbug problem; you should be open with them about the consequence: "I'm extremely afraid of a bedbug infestation. I'm very sorry, but I don't think you should come to our house until you've definitely eradicated the problem at your house."

You might want to meet for a cookout at a local park instead of hosting this event indoors.

DEAR AMY: I have been friends with "Suzy" forever. She has two lovely boys, but she is a helicopter parent. She doesn't let her boys make decisions on their own. As a schoolteacher of over 20 years, I often work with parents to help modify behaviors.

While visiting her, I saw her eldest son almost hit another child while playing. It was completely accidental, and no one was hurt.

Suzy ran over to her son and told him he shouldn't hit other kids, etc. I stepped in and told her that it was innocent and her boy is at the age to make decisions and understand the consequences, and that maybe embarrassing him in front of others wasn't the best approach.

Realizing I overstepped (admittedly, I get into teacher mode), I apologized to her. I understand parents want to parent the way they see fit.

Six weeks later I hadn't heard from her. I reached out by phone and text. She responded by text: "Hey, I really need some space and can't talk to you for a while. Wish you joy."

I was flabbergasted. Do I deserve banishment? I feel that after all this time she could talk to me like an adult.

What are your thoughts?-- Upset Friend

DEAR FRIEND: You have admitted that what you did was wrong, but you are also minimizing your own behavior by continuing to criticize "Suzy."

You criticize her as a "helicopter," but isn't this exactly what you were doing? Hovering, swooping in, correcting and shaming? Calling out a parent over a parenting choice that, in my opinion, is justifiable (from her perspective) is extreme, and this is why her reaction is extreme.

In addition to her being angry with you, if you habitually jump in to correct her, or if she feels scrutinized and criticized, then she might not want to work things out or continue the friendship at all. Accept that she genuinely wishes you joy and move on.

DEAR AMY: I thought your response to "Confused in the Country" was ridiculous. Why shouldn't people spend an occasional night away from their partners, for goodness' sake?-- Disgusted

DEAR DISGUSTED: As I said in my answer, some couples routinely do this -- by mutual agreement. But if one partner suddenly declares he wants to have a slumber party with the guys to "play board games," I think it's natural to wonder why.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Aug 22, 2014
1 Your friends are absolutely icky Napalm their house.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Aug 22, 2014
2 You did the right thing. Liberals never like being held to their own standards.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Detroit, MI

#4 Aug 22, 2014
1- any advice on how to get rid of them?

2- you've been friends "forever" and now she doesn't want to talk to you because of this one incident? I think she's finally gotten tired of your constant stepping in

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#5 Aug 22, 2014
She gave advie, dont let them in your home.
They also sell the stuff at home depot
edogxxx wrote:
1- any advice on how to get rid of them?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 Aug 22, 2014
L1: Why would you right away tell your friend that's something you have to take care of. Help that person! They obviously don't know. If they're your friend I would think you could calmly tell them you read some article and bedbugs spread and you have to do this and that, etc. Or just banish them from your house. Choices.

L2: She did the exact thing (embarrassed the mother in front of her son and his friends) that she was correcting the parent. Of course she's ticked and I'm sure this isn't the first time the LW did this.

L3: Okay -- I can understand that.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#7 Aug 22, 2014
1: Even if you have a gathering at another location, they can be transporting the bugs in/on their purses, baskets/boxes of food or other picnic supplies. You can get bedbugs simply by sitting in a chair in a waiting room because they were unknowingly deposited there by another person or by looking through things at your department store. A lady I know was telling me her mom lives in a condominium in the NYC area. The building is 32 stories high and is part of a complex of 4 such buildings. All four buildings are infested with bedbugs and they aren't going to get an exterminator because it would mean having everyone leave for a period of time and some condo owners are elderly or sick and can't or won't leave their homes for the required time period. If even one family won't leave and allow spraying, etc., the bugs will just go right back to all the condos eventually and the money would be wasted. So imagine that number of people with bedbugs going to area stores to try on clothing and that you will be trying on some of those same things later. Whoops! You've picked up a bedbug or two and carried them home to multiply. But I agree that you cannot have someone in your home if they have bedbugs and are not even trying to get rid of them. So they think the bugs can't walk off the wall and crawl up the furniture legs? They are living in fantasy land.

2: Perhaps you were not only in "teacher mode," but also have been posting comments to advice columns like this one and not only forgot you were not online but that your opinion was not requested by this friend. You don't give advice where it isn't asked for or wanted. Do you do this often? I have to agree with Amy on this one.

3: Another rehash. Each couple needs to decide what is acceptable in their marriage. What works for some doesn't for others. You need to figure out a lot of stuff even before the wedding but often things come up that you didn't even think about beforehand. So you act like adults and work it out. If something really bothers one person, the other should respect that.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Aug 22, 2014
LW1: I would email information with graphic detail as to how bad bedbugs can be and how easily they spread. Then disinvite them. Make it really clear that its not them(well it is since they feel fine letting the problem fester) but that you are not taking any chances of your home getting infested.

LW2: What Amy said.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#9 Aug 22, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- any advice on how to get rid of them?
Yes, there's stuff at places like Home Depot or Lowe's. You need to spray/fog more than once I think because I heard the eggs can't be killed. So it will likely take more than a month and possibly several months spraying/fogging a number of times. Also, you need to use special mattress and pillow covers that the bedbugs can't pass through. Make sure the label specifies they can be used for bedbug protection. Cover the box springs with a mattress case as well. It's been said they can live for a year without feeding but the ones inside mattresses, box springs, pillows will eventually die if they can't get out to feed. You can get those things at department stores like Walmart or Kmart and probably others - in the bedding department. Look up the topic on the internet for more information. There must be some.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Detroit, MI

#10 Aug 22, 2014
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
Yes, there's stuff at places like Home Depot or Lowe's. You need to spray/fog more than once I think because I heard the eggs can't be killed. So it will likely take more than a month and possibly several months spraying/fogging a number of times. Also, you need to use special mattress and pillow covers that the bedbugs can't pass through. Make sure the label specifies they can be used for bedbug protection. Cover the box springs with a mattress case as well. It's been said they can live for a year without feeding but the ones inside mattresses, box springs, pillows will eventually die if they can't get out to feed. You can get those things at department stores like Walmart or Kmart and probably others - in the bedding department. Look up the topic on the internet for more information. There must be some.
I wasn't asking for myself, I thought that little tidbit of information would have been useful in her response

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#11 Aug 22, 2014
I know someone that got bedbugs from a large, nice hotel. Took several months and 2 exterminators to get rid of them to teh tune of about $6,500. And they had to get rid of some stuff, too.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#12 Aug 22, 2014
LW1: Just reading that letter made me itch! I totally agree w/Amy, LW needs to be totally upfront with these friends about why she is NOT inviting them to her house.

LW2: This was a pretty large overstep on LW's part. LW needs to give her friend a couple of months to move past this. They have been friends for a long time, so hopefully, she'll forgive LW.

LW3: I remember the original letter and agree w/Amy's reply.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#13 Aug 23, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I wasn't asking for myself, I thought that little tidbit of information would have been useful in her response
Sorry to imply that you were. I was using the word "you" in a general sense not meaning you in particular. And I do agree that it's useful to know this stuff. Friends and I were talking about some news article about a person who sued her landlord because her apartment was infested when she moved in and the landlord wouldn't do anything. I had no idea what it would have entailed and did some searching on the internet and then wandered over to the likely areas in stores I was shopping in to see whether they had the kinds of products I'd seen referred to online. I figure I'm a ahead of the game knowing this stuff should I ever see evidence of bedbugs in my house. I did buy the mattress/springs covers for our beds as a preventative effort. They're cheaper than getting new mattresses and I'd been grossed out by the discussion my friends and I had had.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#14 Aug 24, 2014
RE LW2: Wonder if LW2 is the same woman whose sister wrote in that a friend asked her not to
bring her along again--because she had the arrogance to correct an adult who was disciplining
that adult's child. Glance into the future:
(a) Suzy has found some less judgmental friends--and doesn't miss LW2 at all.
(b) Suzy's son is glad LW2 isn't spending so much time with LW2 either.
(c) Suzy's other friends thanked her for spending time with them sans LW2
or
(d) other

<must admit. Don't like LW2.> :)

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