“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Aug 17, 2013
DEAR AMY: I am currently a university student. When the program I am enrolled in ends, I am thinking about moving out of the country to live with my boyfriend. He and I have been friends for a long time and recently started dating. I am positive that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he has told me he feels the same.

However, my mother refuses to let me go. She doesn’t want me to be with him. She won’t let me travel to his home to get to know him better. She keeps telling me all the negatives about being with him instead of listening to how I feel and what I want for my future.
He is a wonderful guy, and he treats me incredibly well. I don’t understand why she’s being so closed-minded. I know she is trying to protect me, but she is making me miserable. I don’t know what to do. Please help.-- Overly Protected Daughter

DEAR DAUGHTER: I don’t even know you, and I’m tempted to hide your car keys. Why? Because you sound young and naive. You just started dating this guy and yet you say you want to spend your life with him. You want to move with him to another country the minute you finish school.

If I was your mother, I would tell you,“If you and your boyfriend want to know each other better, he can come here, introduce himself to us, and pay a nice long visit.”

You might get further with your mother if you present her with a plan; this should include ideas about how you will support yourself. In the meantime, you can look forward to the day when you are old (and/or mature) enough not to require your mother’s permission to do what you want.

DEAR AMY: I am 57 and my girlfriend is 50. We have been together for two years. After ending her 30-year marriage, my girlfriend was very active socially and very popular with her friends and co-workers. She changed jobs and cities to live with me.

Her new job requires her to be back in her former town up to three times a week. She has lunch with men she used to work with and drinks with a group of co-workers. She comes home very late. I am never included with this clique of friends.

I feel hurt that she wants to spend so much time with these people. She says she is “living her life” and if I don’t like it, too bad — she’s not going to change. Her huge circle of friends demands that she be available to party at their beck and call.

We agreed to try to work things out. We agreed to keep wearing our commitment rings, but I have found her on more than a few occasions without it. I think she only wears her ring when she knows she is going to see me. Am I being unreasonable?-- Loving Boyfriend

DEAR BOYFRIEND: After ending her marriage of 30 years, your girlfriend doesn’t sound willing (or ready) to settle down in a new town with you. She is declaring that she wants to live her life a certain way. She is also telling you that she will not change and that you can either like it or lump it.

You should trust her enough to believe that she is telling you the truth about herself. Rather than continue to worry about the fact that you cannot control her, you should set her free.

DEAR AMY:“Worried Wife” suspected her husband was gay. With little evidence to go on, she could be wrong.

She could also be right. I could have written her letter. After many years of marriage, I finally confronted my husband, and he told me he was gay. I hope Worried takes your advice and finds ways to support herself. I am proud that I was able to live independently after my marriage ended.-- Straight Spouse

DEAR SPOUSE: The Straight Spouse Network offers support to people married to gay spouses: straightspouse.org .
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#2 Aug 17, 2013
1: It's easy to be treated nice from another country.
Go. Do what you want. Move countries for a guy you just started dating. That's not foolish at all.

2: Why do people date one person when they obviously don't want to? Take her word and ditch her.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#3 Aug 17, 2013
LW1 - I think Amy (and cheluzal) missed an important part (emphasis added): "He and I have been friends for a *long* time..." It's not like the LW met the guy yesterday. She has known him for a long time as a friend. She just hasn't had a *romantic* relationship with him for a long time.

I think it all depends on which country she wants to move with him to. Is it Canada? France? Great Britain? Germany? Japan? Find out what the immigration or other long-term visa requirements are, and go for it. Start looking for a job in that country about a year before you go. Is it Egypt? Syria? Lebanon? Iran? North Korea? Don't be an idiot - don't go. These are not the places you want to be either right now or ever, unless you are a native of these countries. Is it Russia? China? Venezela? Proceed with caution. These are not exactly perfectly stable places that often have only a veneer of Western democratic systems.

Whichever country it is, start learning the language NOW.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#4 Aug 17, 2013
1- Yeah, go move to Mexico with your boyfriend. I'm sure you'll live quite the high-life.

2- "Am I being unreasonable?-"

That's part of the problem. You're also being a jealous, whiny, self-centered cry baby.

3- What gave it away? The feather boas and tight leather chaps?
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#5 Aug 17, 2013
LW2 - Commitment rings? At age 50-something? I thought it was kind of a thing that people did when they were 15. Anyway, your GF is living a life she couldn't live when she was married, but she HAS moved cities and jobs for you. Doesn't it count for something? She is committed - just not chained to you at the ankle. Either accept it as it is, or, if you want more commitment, look for somebody else.
Mimi

United States

#6 Aug 17, 2013
1: WHICH country?

2: Omg...insecure much?

3: Don't care.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Aug 17, 2013
Lw1: You're too young to move overseas with this dude. I say this because you still have the mindset that you need your mother's permission. You have the mentality of a high schooler. Do you even have a job? Who supports you? Who will support you if you go? Have you even thought that far ahead?

Lw2: This is simply not the woman for you. You want different things. She wants to party. You are done partying.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#8 Aug 17, 2013
LW1: You may be a university student, but you sound like you have the emotional maturity of a 12-yr-old. "...my mother refuses to let me go....She won’t let me..." Puh-leeeez.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#9 Aug 18, 2013
Julie wrote:
LW1: You may be a university student, but you sound like you have the emotional maturity of a 12-yr-old. "...my mother refuses to let me go....She won’t let me..." Puh-leeeez.
Funny that you mention it... I think a lot depends on the culture of the students. I teach at what is basically a commuter campus. Most of my students are ostensibly very independent. They work (often full time), some are married and have kids, some are single parents (a small percentage, but a much larger one that one would expect in an average undergrad program). They live in their own places, albeit often within just a few blocks of their parents' house. But they are extremely unwilling to move away more than just a few minutes away from their families. I have had students who declined graduate studies in LA (50 miles away) or San Diego (about 150 miles) because their parents "would die if they moved so far away." We are a predominantly Hispanic community, and although it is still very weird for me after nearly a decade of living here, physical and geographical proximity is so important to this culture that moving 2 hours away seems unfathomable. Forget moving to another country.

I don't know what in what culture the LW grew up, but I wouldn't be surprised if it is a culture where nobody ever moves away too far, and a family reunion for about 200 people can be organize for Sunday two weeks from now with relative ease.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Aug 19, 2013
L1: You don't need your mother's permission but you need to be independent in order to do what you want. If you are comfortable being an independent woman, have an income, get familiar with the culture of your bf's country, then what is stopping you? Certainly not your mother. I think when you're young but of legal age is an excellent time to go to another country. You can come back, you know -- make sure you have the savings for that, too.

L2: Ya, commitment rings got me, too. I think Tonka may be right. I think they want 2 different things. I don't think either of them are bad people they just aren't right for each other.

L3: Great. Good to know you can live independently.
pde

Palatine, IL

#11 Aug 19, 2013
L1: I, my husband, and the kid are moving to the Pacific Northwest, because the husband got an excellent job offer out there. We've only stayed around the midwest because it was convenient but we've been here since I graduated college. My mom is currently quite upset about all this, and all I can say (inside my head) is "I moved out of your house TWENTY YEARS AGO."

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Aug 19, 2013
pde wrote:
L1: I, my husband, and the kid are moving to the Pacific Northwest, because the husband got an excellent job offer out there. We've only stayed around the midwest because it was convenient but we've been here since I graduated college. My mom is currently quite upset about all this, and all I can say (inside my head) is "I moved out of your house TWENTY YEARS AGO."
I imagine it's difficult to see everyone go but especially the kids b/c they change so rapidly. She'll adjust. Tell her to get skype.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#13 Aug 19, 2013
pde wrote:
L1: I, my husband, and the kid are moving to the Pacific Northwest, because the husband got an excellent job offer out there. We've only stayed around the midwest because it was convenient but we've been here since I graduated college. My mom is currently quite upset about all this, and all I can say (inside my head) is "I moved out of your house TWENTY YEARS AGO."
My parents would be heartbroken if I left Florida! Devastated! And I've been ion my own forever. But they (and I) would miss getting together, having lunch, etc. and they would die without my daughter (the only grandkid out of 13 that they've ever lived near and got to be a part of her life).

But I sure would love to move!!!
Real Life Advice

Newtown, CT

#14 Aug 20, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
3- What gave it away? The feather boas and tight leather chaps?
Could have been hubby comes home smelling like s_it.

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