“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Dec 14, 2013
DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I live together. He is 30 and I am 26. We are raising our 10-month-old son together. I had a falling out several months ago with his parents, and now I am not allowed to go to their house.

My boyfriend wants to bring our baby to their house, but I don't want him to take the child there because they have banned me.

His mother gets really upset if we don't spend the entire day with them on a Saturday/Sunday and holidays. Our final blowup happened on a day when we arrived at 3 p.m. and were yelled at for being late. I defended us by explaining we had spent the first part of the day with my family, who live five hours away. She kept making comments about how late we were and my boyfriend decided we should leave. I have been banned from going there again because I "talked back."

I understand that my boyfriend is torn and wants to see his family, but I don't think it's fair that I have to stay behind. Because I can't go there, our son isn't going either. His dad asks my boyfriend every week when he is bringing the baby; this puts pressure on me, every weekend and holiday.

I have offered to apologize to them, but he thinks it will fall on deaf ears. He has four brothers and sisters and we have invited them to come to our place so they can see each other, but they won't come out of loyalty to their mother.

Can you help us resolve this situation?-- Torn

DEAR TORN: From your description of this woman, I would think you would be relieved to be banned from her home. However, I understand that there is a principle at stake, and I agree that banning one member of a family unit because of a disagreement is intolerable.

You could attempt to make peace. Contact her to say, "I'm sorry about this rift. Can we work things out?" Your guy will also have to be very firm with his parents and say, "How would you feel if I banned one of you from my home? I am part of my own family now, and if you want to see one member of the family, you will have to be willing to see all of us (at least some of the time)." Until he can do this, you can expect this uneasy imbalance to continue.

DEAR AMY: My sister and I have never been overly close, due to our six-year age difference. Recently she got back together with her old boyfriend, who is friends with my unfaithful ex-boyfriend. Now they are all hanging out in the same group of friends.

I find this very hard to deal with. She doesn't understand why I disagree with her choice to be friends with my ex. She also thinks she can't tell her boyfriend who to be friends with. Shouldn't she tell her boyfriend that she doesn't want to be around my ex?

I am at the point where my ex is someone I don't want in my life. I ignore him, and if she wants to be his friend, I'll ignore her as well.

What do you think?-- Sincerely Irked

DEAR IRKED: You cannot control everyone else's six-degrees-of-separation relationships. By paying attention to who he hangs with, you are letting your ex re-offend you.

You need to realize that everyone is making choices and that these choices are not about you, but about them. You don't get to tell your sister who to hang out with, and she doesn't get to tell you what should -- or shouldn't -- bother you. I hope that you will figure out how to ignore the ex without ignoring her.

DEAR AMY: Your answer to "Secret Holder" was off. Nobody should disclose somebody else's secret -- unless it is a matter of life or death.-- Secret Keeper

DEAR KEEPER: I agree. I suggested that "Secret Holder" should disclose her own secret and not engage in speculation about the other party's (alleged) secret.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Dec 14, 2013
1- Here's an idea: STAY HOME! You're causing drama. You're painting yourself as an innocent victim of his parents' hostility. I doubt you're innocent. I'd like to know what this "talking back" consisted of. His brothers and sisters don't even want to visit you. Turn your judgements inward. There's something about YOU that's the problem.

2- Blood should be thicker than friends but you said yourself you and your sister aren't very close. Get over your ex, sweetheart.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#3 Dec 14, 2013
LW1 - Sweetie, stay home and keep your son home too. If you are banned for "talking back," I somehow doubt that your son will be hearing good things about his mom. Yeah, he is too young to understand now, but do you really want him to bond with people who will be maligning you for the next few years, when he *will* be old enough to understand. Nope.

As for trying to make peace, you can try, but it will only last if you turn yourself into a doormat and keep your mouth shut in their presence for as long as they are alive. However, you can suggest a *mutual* apology: you apologize for being rude (if you yelled at them, used foul language, etc.), and they apologize for berating you because you dared to spend time with your family and were not taking their rants about being late lying down.

LW2 - You can't control your sister's friendships. Do you have to hang out in the same company as your cheating ex? No? Then shut up and let your sister live her own life. It's not like she's become best buddies with your ex. It's her BF who is friends with him. If you are willing to cut your sister out of your life (i.e. ignore her) for hanging out in the company of people which includes your ex, you are a veritable control freak.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#4 Dec 14, 2013
1: I doubt lw is innocent too but mom sounds like a manipulative shrew. ALL of her kids yield to her OTT ways, probably because they have been trained since birth to.
Come on--we all know this lady's "boyfriend" should at least be on her side, but no....he, too, is still suckling the teet of his mom instead of telling her to grow up and not be unreasonable. Thing is, this was evident in dating, I'm sure.

2: Is lw 13 ad her sis 19? What children.
It would stink, sure, but you can't control it.
Now if sis started trashing you to your ex and stuff, then you have a new situation.
Don't worry--she won't stay with this EX again for long. They broke up for a reason; it will resruface.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Dec 14, 2013
L1 Setting aside my reaction to the LW herself, the extremity of the reactions suggest this may not be a western culture family.This sounds like a culture where the husband's family is primary and the husband's mother rules.

All day on Saturday or Sunday? Banned from the house. Forcing the ban on siblings? That is extreme in the US or those European families I know.

What support and advice are you getting from your own mother/family?

L2. If you have never been overly close, WTH do you care who your sister hangs out with?

If you are not asked to be in the presence of a person against whom you do or could have a restraining order, STFU and grow up.

You can't control your sister's choice of friends, much less her bf's.

To be frank, I rather understand why your ex found someone new.

Oh yeah, a 6 year difference does not preclude being close with someone ... unless perhaps you are 14 and she is 20, a distinct possibility based on your attitude.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#6 Dec 14, 2013
L1. It souds like there is a new sherrif in town.
I think granny's expectations are unrealistic.
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

#7 Dec 14, 2013
L1: PEllen, I agree with them not being a western culture but, on the other hand, they are not married with a child and this seems odd for some cultures outside the western world.

I would be relieved to be banned from these all day gatherings and I would not let my baby go there either. I would use the excuse that the baby can't be away from his mother for that length of time.
liner

Patchogue, NY

#8 Dec 14, 2013
L1: Remember, there's three sides to every story......

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#9 Dec 14, 2013
I'm six years younger than my sister. We did not have the same group of friends. What, was the lw 13 and dating a 20 yr old? Drama of the trailer life.

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