“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jul 3, 2014
DEAR AMY: My mother has been using Facebook more frequently in the last few months, and I think that's fine.

Unfortunately the majority of the pictures that she posts are of me. Her profile and cover photos are of me.

I am not her "friend" on Facebook, but if I look up her name I can see dozens of photos of me all over her page. I really don't want her plastering my picture everywhere, especially if her privacy settings are weak and anyone has access to the photos.

My personal page is very private, and I only have friends that I actually know on my page.

I have asked her to take down many of the photos but she refuses (or lies to me and says she did). I told her she could post one picture from my graduation but instead she posted 20.

I understand that she wants to post pictures for family to see, but many times she does it just to show off and brag. I don't feel comfortable when I look up her page on Facebook and all that I can see is my face attached to her name.

Will she ever respect my wishes? Or because she is my parent does she "own" images of me? Am I overreacting? I am legally an adult. What should I do?-- Technically Frustrated

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Facebook seems to have created a reverse metric in how generations use it.

Generally speaking, the generation you are a part of, which grew up sharing on social media, seems to have grown much more circumspect about how you conduct yourselves on Facebook, while adults in your mother's and grandparents' generation don't seem to have caught on.

I have seen unintentionally hilarious examples of parents leaping over boundaries on Facebook while their young adult children comment: "Mom, NO!"

I agree that (at least the way you describe it) this is a deliberate breach of your privacy.

However, realistically you cannot do anything about this, other than avoid your mother's omniscient camera at family events (by the way, she "owns" all of the photos she takes, even if they are of you).

You should tell her, "Mom, this is an incredible breach of my privacy, and I've asked you to stop. This is disrespectful and you either don't get it, or you don't care."

After that, avoid her lens and stop checking her page.

DEAR AMY: Twelve of us have been close friends for many decades, and we are all in our 60s. We have had a number of divorces within our group (I'm divorced), but most of us have remained friends in spite of this.

Our friend "Jill" moved out of town after leaving her husband, "Jack." Those of us who live in town see Jack on a regular basis. Recently, Jill invited me for a visit, and I accepted her invitation, as we had been friends for over 20 years before their divorce.

I then heard through a mutual friend that Jack was upset about this. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and was disappointed to hear that he finds my plans to be disrespectful of him.

I love them both and certainly don't want to be insensitive to either one of them. Seriously, this feels a little like a high school scenario. We're senior citizens!

Am I being insensitive?-- Concerned and Conflicted

DEAR CONFLICTED: "Jack" doesn't get to dictate who you are friends with, but he has been honest about his feelings and you should acknowledge this by saying, "I understand this has upset you and I'm so sorry. That was not my intent. But I've known 'Jill' forever and would like to maintain contact with her. Do you think you could grow to accept this?"

DEAR AMY: "Concerned Dad" was worried that his longtime girlfriend would not be welcomed by his ex-wife and adult daughters when she finally moved to town.

You say this girlfriend should be treated as a member of the family.

If so, then why doesn't he treat her like a member of the family and marry her?-- Norma

DEAR NORMA: Marriage would definitely make a statement.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

East Hartford, CT

#2 Jul 3, 2014
1- so stop visiting her page, and get over it. I thought today's youth was supposed to be narcissistic and egotistical

2- tell him to get over it

3- marrying her isn't gonna make his kids automatically accept her, it might actually do more harm

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Jul 3, 2014
1. I believe you have the right to un-tag a photo of yourself don't you?

Some parents live vicariously through their kids. It is sad, frustrating and keeps shrinks in business. As long as teh photos are just dorky, chill. If they might compromise you professionally or personally ( although it is hard to see how mom-pictures could do that) let it slide.

Or gt some shots of her in a bathing suit with all her flab and cellulite showing and use it as a bargaining chip for judicious editing.

2. Your friends gossip. Otherwise how would Jack know not only your travel plans but who you were going to see on your trip?

3. I agree with LW 3. Marry her. If not, she remains a bit on the side . Not everyone agrees with the necessity of formalizing a relationship but a large segment of people do.

United States

#4 Jul 3, 2014

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

East Hartford, CT

#5 Jul 3, 2014
PEllen wrote:
Or gt some shots of her in a bathing suit with all her flab and cellulite showing and use it as a bargaining chip for judicious editing.
Sometimes you can be evil

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Jul 3, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Sometimes you can be evil
I know.

That's why you guys like me here,right?

Hancock, NY

#7 Jul 3, 2014
1: My daughter regularly posts photos of her kids without a qualm. I am waiting to see whether she still feels safe doing this later on. I don't make a habit of posting photos but will occasionally share one of hers of her kids. I'm not sure I agree that posting or not posting photos is a generational thing as was suggested. I admit to posting photos of my husband sharing his office chair with his 60 pound dog and the stray cat we adopted. Come to think of it, that dog had been a stray too. I guess we've become an animal shelter and I hadn't even realized. Good thing the dog and cat get along very well.

I love PEllen's suggestion of a photo of the lw's mom in a bathing suit just might be the bargaining chip the lw needs. If not a bathing suit (Mom might be in very good shape for her age), some other embarrassing photo might work.

2: PEllen mentioned that the lw's friends gossip. I don't see why there would have been any secrecy about the lw going to visit their mutual friend of many years. The ex-husband should realize he doesn't have exclusive ownership of the friends. He shouldn't expect friends to take sides in the divorce any more than anyone should expect kids to take sides in their parents' divorce. The man needs to see a therapist if he can't reconcile this.

3: Yes, if she really is "the love of his life" as I think I recall his saying, he should marry her. But either way, I suspect it's going to take a lot for the kids to fully accept her. I got the impression she was the reason he and his wife divorced. Oh I know, he was more guilty but she was "the other woman" and kids have a hard time accepting them. And I should also say that does not mean the guy's ex-wife was perfect and her behavior might also have something to do with the problems in that marriage. I'm just saying the knee jerk reaction the kids often have is to hate the other woman possibly because it's easier than any other option to place blame.

Marina, CA

#8 Jul 3, 2014
LW1: It is unfortunate that we have lost control of our own images. I understand your discomfort, but there is little that you can do other than what you have already done and what Amy suggests. I don't think it's a generational thing, I think it's that some people just take and post a lot of pictures.

LW2: Tell Jack that your friendship with Jill has nothing to do with him and that you value and cherish his friendship and hers. This is his stuff; don't let him drag you into it.

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