“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Apr 24, 2014
DEAR ABBY: My 23-year-old son, "Wayne," who is single, has a 3-year-old son. We didn't learn about the child until he was more than a year old, when Wayne was asked to take a paternity test. Luckily, we have been able to form a good relationship with our grandson's mother and see him often. However, our son has shown no interest. He pays child support, but has little interaction.

Wayne is an only child. I love him, but I never wanted another one. I was never comfortable around or interested in young children except for my own son. Could he have gotten this from me?

Friends and family have commented on Wayne's lack of interest in his son, and I'm tired of making excuses or telling people to mind their own business. Wayne says he feels resentment and doesn't want to be around this child. I have tried to explain that he'll regret it in years to come, but he won't listen.

My husband is appalled that our son would act this way, but he seems to forget that I was the one who did everything with Wayne. I did the Boy Scouts, movies, horses, trips, etc. He did almost nothing with Wayne and his friends. At this point, I don't know what to do and would like some advice.-- MOM IN ILLINOIS

DEAR MOM: Your son is displacing his anger at himself onto his son. He should have used birth control and he knows it. It's not fair, but Wayne does not appear to be the most mature of 23-year-olds.

Rather than blame yourself for the fact that he wants no involvement, consider that children usually model themselves after their same-gender parent. Because your husband was so uninvolved with Wayne, it is possible that Wayne has no idea of what a father's role ought to be. A parenting class could fix this -- if your son is willing to take one.

Until then, continue to be the supportive and loving grandparents your grandson needs because, aside from his mother, it appears you're all the backup the little boy has.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a troubled family. I am just now realizing that there is more to life than posting bond for family members and getting people out of jail at 3 a.m. I got my GED and started college this year. Although I try to keep them at bay, they call me with one family crisis or another, and it's putting stress on everyone around me.

I'd love to have a positive relationship with my family, but drama seems to follow them everywhere. Should I just let them go and move on with my life, or continue doing the same as always? Must I drop everything I'm doing to jump and run every time the phone rings?-- FAMILY DRAMA IN TEXAS

DEAR FAMILY DRAMA: Every time you come to the rescue, you further enable your relatives to do whatever it is that has gotten them in hot water. That you have managed to separate yourself to the extent you have, and achieve to the level you have reached, is admirable. But if you're going to continue to accomplish your goals, you cannot allow your family to distract you from your studies. Set limits. Let them know when you can't be disturbed and turn your phone off. They'll survive and you'll thrive.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Apr 24, 2014
1- Way to take the blame off the woman and place it on the man, Abby

2- u r stupid

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Apr 24, 2014
1 Clear example of the apple not falling far from the tree. But the dad will regret it later as was said.

2 There! Abby gave you the validation you needed, now ignore them and their drama and get to work on yourself.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Apr 24, 2014
Lw1: I don't think his attitude towards the child has anything to do with being an only child or daddy nit spending time with him. He's 23. Unmarried. Livin life. Only to have the existence of a son he did not know about thrust upon him. Certainly, he's not handling it well, but at this stage in his life, he was not ready for a child. He's demonstrating that.
When you have a child, under the best circumstances, your life changes forever. He had one under the worst circumstances, was unprepared & unwilling to change, & is likely trying to maintain his pre-child life.

As always, there is nothing you can do to make someone behave how you wish them to behave.

Lw2: How did you become the family savior?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#5 Apr 24, 2014
Staying in school, not doing drugs, and keeping her legs closed?
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw2: How did you become the family savior?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Apr 24, 2014
LW1: It’s probably best that Wayne not be around his son if he feels resentment. While I think most men would step up to the plate, I think it a lot of men would have mixed emotions if that were sprung on them after the kids is more than a year old. That’s every guy’s nightmare.

LW2: Learn not to pick up the phone.

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#7 Apr 24, 2014
1. Immature jacka$$. However, the LW raised this marvel.

2. Way to brag.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#8 Apr 24, 2014
Matilda hasn't come around much since we lost Red. She would be perfect for LW2

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Apr 24, 2014
L1: Continue to be grandma to the boy. I'd sit down with the pictures you have of your son growing up and have a heart-to-heart talk with him and your husband. Open a discussion. That said, though, be prepared because it is ultimately left up to your son on what his relationship will be with the child.

L2: There's something inbetween the two extremes. Direct the family members to groups, associations and professionals to help deal with their drama. When they get over the top, call them on it. When it's too much and is distracting you, say so and turn to your studies. You know, be adult about it.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#10 Apr 24, 2014
LW1- you and your husband failed in raising your own child. He is now an adult and you don't get a do-over.

Visit your grandchild as much as the mother allows, but respect boundaries.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Apr 24, 2014
LW1: Leave him alone about this; I think it would be worse for the child to have a dad in his life who resented the cr*p out of him. Take heart that he is not a complete dead-beat and a least pays child support.

LW2: Think about applying to a school out of state.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#12 Apr 24, 2014
LW1 is not giving Illinois a bad name, and probably won't regret giving
the mother of her grandchild a little material help here and there.

Until LW2 learns to answer the phone with "You have reached a number that does not accept solicitations. Please leave your name and message...", LW2 is giving the Lone star State a bad name. And
LW2's family is giving our state a bad name, until they get the help they need (not wish for) and take care of themselves.
Kuuipo

Elizabethtown, KY

#13 Apr 24, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw1: I don't think his attitude towards the child has anything to do with being an only child or daddy nit spending time with him. He's 23. Unmarried. Livin life. Only to have the existence of a son he did not know about thrust upon him. Certainly, he's not handling it well, but at this stage in his life, he was not ready for a child. He's demonstrating that.
When you have a child, under the best circumstances, your life changes forever. He had one under the worst circumstances, was unprepared & unwilling to change, & is likely trying to maintain his pre-child life.
As always, there is nothing you can do to make someone behave how you wish them to behave.
It's all that combined with the fact that as an only son, he has absolutely no idea of what to do with an infant/toddler. He might warm up to the idea of having a son as the child gets a little older and is able to talk in complete sentences and play games. He will have grown up a bit by then and may start feeling more responsible. But there are no guarantees. A friend of mine found herself in a position similar to LW when her teenaged son became a father. She remained in contact with her son's girlfriend, and when her grandson turned 4, her son started to step up. It could happen. In the meantime, LW should forge her own relationship with her grandson and set an example of how to handle life's unexpected turns.

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