“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Aug 9, 2013
DEAR AMY: My son's fiancee recently told me that my son was molested from age 9 to 13 by a baby sitter. I'm sure this is the reason my son had so many problems when he was young.

He was a great athlete and did very well in school most of the time, but when he hit puberty he stopped caring about anything. He started drinking and doing drugs. He was still a great kid, but you could tell there was something wrong.

The baby sitter lived at my house for two years because he had been kicked out of his house and had nowhere to go. He was 19 when he moved in.

My son is now 30 years old, and he doesn't know that his fiancee spoke to me about this. Evidently my son thinks I knew this was going on! It breaks my heart every day that he thinks that. I am just lost. The other problem is the molester's mother is one of my best friends now.

I want to confront this man (who is now about 40 years old), but I don't know what to do.

I feel so terrible for my son knowing that he has lived with this for so long. I called the police and was told there's nothing I can do unless my son comes forward.-- Lost Mother

DEAR LOST: You are concerned enough to call the police about this -- and yet not brave enough to reach out to your son. You must give him the opportunity to discuss this with you. You and he should see a counselor together, and he should make a choice about what he wants to do moving forward.

You owe him more than the excuse that you didn't realize this was happening. You are his mother, this happened in your home, you knew something was wrong and yet you did not protect him. Face this extreme failure in your own parenting. And apologize.

Your friendship with the molester's mother will likely suffer (or end) with this disclosure. But that's too bad. Your son's needs should come first.

I support the work of Male Survivor ( malesurvivor.org ), an organization which helps men who have been sexually abused. You and your son can find information, help, healing and contact information for therapists on the site.

DEAR AMY: My babe and I have lived together for almost two years. I know she has lots of baggage from her past, which includes filing her taxes and dividing stored assets from a previous 15-year relationship.

She tells me she will deal with things in due time. She likes to have a private life, so she doesn't let her old friends know we are living together, and she refuses to introduce me to certain male friends.

I feel I have been very patient up to this point, and yet my patience is starting to wear thin.

One male friend calls her every night at bedtime and every morning. She never takes this call when I am around, won't tell me who it is and insists he is just a friend. Recently I found out she is going over to see him when I am at work.

I understand having privacy when dating and casually seeing someone, but we live together. What advice do you have for me?-- Suspicious

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: Your babe has more baggage than a Kardashian headed to Cannes.

Move out. Leave her to her unpaid taxes, her "stored assets," secret relationships and mounds of personal (and actual) baggage.

Every single thing about this relationship is off-kilter. You deserve honesty and inclusion. These healthy traits will not magically attach to your relationship through your patience. You deserve better, but you will not get anything better from this person.

DEAR AMY: On the question of whether you have to "love" your family, here is a quote from a short story by John Updike: "Families teach us how love exists in a realm above liking and disliking, coexisting with indifference, rivalry, and even antipathy." -- George

DEAR GEORGE: I appreciate this nuanced description of a unique kind of "love" -- one that transcends the need to even "like." Thank you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#2 Aug 9, 2013
1- Not sure what the authorities can do anyway 17 years later. It's just gonna turn into a big he said/he said drama.

2- Welcome to Idiotville, population you.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Aug 9, 2013
1. LW needs to talk to a counselor for survivors of sex abuse and then talk to her son. Right now it is only the fiance's allegation. If this happened and if the son thought his parents knew and did nothing 20 years ago and that mom (LW) has stayed friends with abuser's family, the parent child relationship would have suffered. It is possible that did happen and LW is clueless, but I doubt it because LW and fiance are speaking.

Not every adolescent spiral into drugs and bad behavior can be attributed to sexual abuse.

L2She is making a fool of you. You are a roommate with benefits, not in a gf/bf relationship. She is running other relationship on the side and, given her ethical standards, is probably messing with the government, too. Secure your credit cards and identity info and get the H out of there.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Aug 9, 2013
1 Wow, amy gave her both barrels!

2 Your "babe" Why do I get the impression you are like 50 and she is hitting 35. You "babe" is another mans "Bimbo", and you're being played by both of them.

3 Friday rehash, blech!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Aug 9, 2013
L1: What the hell is wrong with you? You're talking about this with everybody BUT your son??!?!!?! Also, son may not want to come forward at this point -- that's his call. HOWEVER: I'm not so sure Amy is right to imply that the mom should have known this was going on and that she's some how responsible for it continuing to take place.

L2: Jeezus Kryste. Get a frickin' backbone and move out or just accept that you're being cuckolded. one or the other.

L3: Whatever.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#6 Aug 9, 2013
1: What a maroon! Talk to your son Einstein! Unresolved issues around being abused are cripplers.

2: She's cheating on you or she is a flake. Ahh who am I kidding? She's cheating on you....
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#7 Aug 9, 2013
You guys have these covered.

On LW2m, I couldn't get past "my babe". Who says that???

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Aug 9, 2013
LW1: I have an idea; let's talk to everyone except the person(s) actually involved. <sigh>

LW2: What RACE said with a side of Stina. I had a hard time taking this guy seriously.

LW3: Love, schmove.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Aug 9, 2013
Stina wrote:
You guys have these covered.
On LW2m, I couldn't get past "my babe". Who says that???
That's what I was thinking!

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#10 Aug 9, 2013
Stina wrote:
You guys have these covered.
Yep!
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#11 Aug 9, 2013
1: Talk to your son!! Gah! Just knowing that mom wasn't secretly condoning it could be a huge weight off his shoulders.
It's easy to flame mom (dad? other people in the home?) for not knowing but I really really wish people would be more discerning about whom they let move into their home. "He had no other place to go." Gee--I wonder why? She assumed being a male her son was fine. Sad.

2: "Babe"??! LOL!!!
I can't believe there are people who actually question this behavior. Boy, is he dumb.
EJG

Sandy Hook, CT

#12 Aug 9, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
DEAR AMY: My son's fiancee recently told me that my son was molested from age 9 to 13 by a baby sitter. I'm sure this is the reason my son had so many problems when he was young.
He was a great athlete and did very well in school most of the time, but when he hit puberty he stopped caring about anything. He started drinking and doing drugs. He was still a great kid, but you could tell there was something wrong.
The baby sitter lived at my house for two years because he had been kicked out of his house and had nowhere to go. He was 19 when he moved in.
My son is now 30 years old, and he doesn't know that his fiancee spoke to me about this. Evidently my son thinks I knew this was going on! It breaks my heart every day that he thinks that. I am just lost. The other problem is the molester's mother is one of my best friends now.
I want to confront this man (who is now about 40 years old), but I don't know what to do.
I feel so terrible for my son knowing that he has lived with this for so long. I called the police and was told there's nothing I can do unless my son comes forward.-- Lost Mother
DEAR LOST: You are concerned enough to call the police about this -- and yet not brave enough to reach out to your son. You must give him the opportunity to discuss this with you. You and he should see a counselor together, and he should make a choice about what he wants to do moving forward.
You owe him more than the excuse that you didn't realize this was happening. You are his mother, this happened in your home, you knew something was wrong and yet you did not protect him. Face this extreme failure in your own parenting. And apologize.
Your friendship with the molester's mother will likely suffer (or end) with this disclosure. But that's too bad. Your son's needs should come first.
I support the work of Male Survivor ( malesurvivor.org ), an organization which helps men who have been sexually abused. You and your son can find information, help, healing and contact information for therapists on the site.
LW1 To say that Amy got this right is putting it mildly. Lost Mother blew it big time for nor knowing that her son was in so much pain due her negligence. Her friendship with the molester's mother was the equivalent of rubbing salt into an open wound for her son. She clearly needs therapy to understand how she could have allowed this disaster to happen to her son in the 1st place.

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