“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Mar 3, 2014
DEAR AMY: My daughter was married for 14 years. They were not able to have children. Her ex was verbally abusive and convinced her she was the one with the fertility problems.

After her divorce she became involved with a man and soon became pregnant. She had told him she could not get pregnant, and he was angry and accused her of lying to him. They are still together, engaged to be married, and now have a beautiful daughter. However, usually when he has had too much to drink, he will bring up the fact that she "lied" to him and trapped him.

She has told him that they can raise their daughter together without being a married couple.

When not drinking, he seems devoted. There are two problems here: his drinking and his anger. He agrees he drinks too much and keeps promising to "cut back." I see him starting to be disrespectful, and I do not want to see her in another unhealthy relationship.

I have told my daughter she is a strong, beautiful woman and she should not allow anyone to belittle her. I have also told my future son-in-law he needs to let go of his anger and get help for his drinking, but he does not see himself as the one with the problem. It also breaks my heart to see my granddaughter exposed to this.

What can I do?-- Worried Mom

DEAR MOM: You seem to have clarity about this situation and have communicated your views to both parties.

Your daughter should not marry someone thinking he will change after marriage (the stress of marriage often makes these problems worse). She was in an abusive marriage for a long time and is embroiled in another relationship that seems headed in that direction. She is the common denominator. Use your influence to urge her toward change.

She should attend Al-anon meetings to learn how others cope with a loved-one's drinking. She should also see a counselor. She is embroiled in a pattern that could seriously undermine her future (and that of her child).

DEAR AMY: My best friend's adult daughter has recently been diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. The prognosis is not great, and my friend has already been through much tragedy. She has emailed me sporadically but will not telephone me.

I want to know how to help her through this. In my opinion, she has been given false hope that her daughter may survive this. I would never divulge my fears to her. I want to try to ease her pain and give her my support. I feel that she is not contacting me because she knows how direct I can be. Maybe she's afraid I will say to her something she doesn't want to hear.

I really feel that she needs my strength right now but is pushing me away to protect herself.

I have always appreciated your candor; please give me some ideas as to how I can help.-- Concerned Friend

DEAR CONCERNED: This is not about you and your qualities versus your friend's deficits. You describe yourself as strong and opinionated, but I wonder if you are strong enough to keep your opinions to yourself. I suspect not. It is exhausting and depleting to deal with others' opinions/theories about a personal tragedy.

Your friend might not need your strength right now -- but I bet she could use some compassion. Drop her a line to let her know she is in your thoughts. Include an affirmation.("You are a wonderful mom -- through and through.") Say, "I'm always in your corner" and sign off with affection.

DEAR AMY: "With Friends Like This" is a gay man worried about his estrangement from his conservative sisters.

This man came across to me as bigoted, judgmental and unkind. He attacks the religion and politics of his siblings who have a different point of view from him. He should do them a favor and leave them alone.-- My View

DEAR VIEW: I saw this letter as an attempt to reconcile with the siblings who rejected him, but other readers agreed with you -- that this man was the one who is bigoted.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Mar 3, 2014
1 And the cycle continues.... Dont try to change the man, just work on your daughter, and grand kid.

2 Your absolutely right. If you cant say anything nice, then keep your damn mouth shut.

3 All gay men are bigots, thats why they voted obam-bam.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Mar 3, 2014
I was kidding about #3, some gays voted independent.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Mar 3, 2014
1. The guy feels trapped because your daughter got pregnant not because he wants marriage.

If she was married for 14 years she is old enough to have seen a doctor to find out on whose side the infertility was based and was old enough to have used birth control. So yeah, she tricked him even though it was with her stupidity.

The problem is that someone brought her up and that someone is LW which is probably why LW does not see her daughter's role in all this and does not recognize her own role in making excuses for the BF.

Both she and her daughter need to get o Al-Anon and to some counseling

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Mar 3, 2014
PEllen wrote:
If she was married for 14 years she is old enough to have seen a doctor to find out on whose side the infertility was based and was old enough to have used birth control. So yeah, she tricked him even though it was with her stupidity.
This. He was stupid too for just accepting her word on that and not asking if that was just her opinion or if it was a medical diagnoses given by her doctor.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#6 Mar 3, 2014
1- She sure knows how to pick em. Don't think there's much you CAN do, she's an adult. And what PElly said

2- Keep your opinion to yourself, don't know why you feel compelled to tell your friend you're certain her daughter must surely die. Sounds like she knows exactly what she's doing by keeping her distance. Follow her lead.

3- I called it first!

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Mar 3, 2014
LW1: Put yourself in the guyís shoes for a second. Is he supposed to think itís wonderful she misinformed him? I can understand the guy not being happy about that Ö I can understand him feeling trapped Ö I can understand him wanting to do the right and honorable thing, seeing as how there is a child involved Ö I can also see him wanting to vent about it Ö I can also see how alcohol would lower his inhibitions.

I find it amazing that your bimbo daughter can just tell a guy,ďhey, donít worry, I canít get pregnant, letís get this party started,Ē when she doesnít even know if this is true and thatís just a small minor detail that gets glossed over, but letís focus on how much of a jerk the guy who gets stuck paying for her stupidity, for needing to vent about it sometimes. Is it optimal, no, but I can understand. Maybe counseling is in order, but your daughter isnít exactly the wonderful peach you make her out to be.

Iíd be pissed if a woman told me she couldnít get prego and not to worry and then she was wrong, especially if she played the poor abused woman card and my ex convinced me of this. Iím quite tired of women blaming being dumb and naÔve on abusive men. He ďconvinced herĒ it was her. Howíd he do that? Anyone with a basic education in biology knows that when a couple canít get prego, it could be either the man or the woman who is the problem, sometimes both, and you canít POSSIBLY know who is the problem without a medical opinion.

LW2: If your friend wants your help, she should reach out to you. She hasnít.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Mar 3, 2014
LW1: She should not marry this guy. She'd be better off in your basement than with a man who will constantly blame her and the child for all the problems in his life. For the sake of the child, she should try and have a good relationship with him, but that does not have to include marriage.

LW2: Send her cards and notes saying you're thinking of her, but keep your opinions to yourself.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#9 Mar 3, 2014
who's the gay person I offended?
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#10 Mar 3, 2014
LW1: LW's daughter was married for 14 years and did not become pregnant. I can understand how she could have believed that she was infertile. However, if she hadn't been evaluated for fertility problems by a doctor, she should not have told her new man that she was unable to have children. And he should not have assumed that she was completely infertile, either. If he absolutely did not want to become a father, he could have used a condom as a precaution against that. All of that coulda-woulda-shoulda needs to go out of the window now, because there is a beautiful child in this world who deserves two grown-up parents who will step up and give her loving care and a good life. LW's future son-in-law is an alcoholic. He needs to address that problem first. LW's daughter should move out, call off the engagement, and definitely get some counseling. But I predict that the two of them will carry on this sad dance indefinitely to the detriment of their daughter's emotional health.

LW2: I totally agree with Amy and squishymama.

LW3: Acceptance is needed on both sides.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Mar 3, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
because there is a beautiful child in this world
.
who says? That kid could be butt ugly! You don't know.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#12 Mar 3, 2014
1: Oh yes, please get married. Because a marriage starting like this is what all of us little girls dreamed of when we were young.
Give me a bloody break!
It baffles me how so many people seem to do so much to ruin the one ife they get. It is not worth it being miserable.
Stop being unprotected h0es (men and women), start being more discerning about who you lie with, and quit going backwards in the process.

Everyone deserves a nice person to love and live life with.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#13 Mar 3, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>who says? That kid could be butt ugly! You don't know.
OK. Change it to "an innocent child" which is more to the point.
Cass

Pomona, CA

#14 Mar 3, 2014
LW1 - Boy, does your daughter have a poor taste in men. Is there anything you can do to convince her to dump the guy? Please?

LW2 - "Franny, you are kidding yourself. Your daughter is dying. Give up all hope. She is a walking corpse already. Start planning the funeral." Nope. That does not fly with people whose kids - adult or not - have recently been diagnosed with terminal illnesses. Deluding yourself is part of the grieving process. So shut the f- up.

LW3 - I can't for the life of me understand why people want to keep a relationship with relatives who treat them like excrement.

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