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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Feb 22, 2013
DEAR AMY: I am retired and live with my girlfriend, who still works full time. Financially, we're good, but problems arise when she gets home from work.

She seems to have this expectation that I should do all of the household chores: cleaning, shopping, errands, home maintenance, etc. It's not like I make a mess of the place -- quite the contrary.

I usually leave for the day and do the things that retired people do -- hang out at the coffee shop, bicycle, surf. I leave the place looking nice and am self-sufficient. Because of my choices I have arrived at a place where I can enjoy life, and I think it is unfair that I get grief for living as I wish to live.

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect anyone else to pull my weight, but explain to me why I must pull hers, too, as her choices have led her to this place.-- The Good Life

DEAR GOOD LIFE: The obvious solution is for you and your girlfriend to pool some of your money and hire a person to come in to do household chores. After that, you two can negotiate sharing the rest.

The other obvious solution is for you to enjoy your life as a solitary, self-sufficient retiree. On your own. Alone. In your own pad. If you want to live with another person, whether it's your girlfriend or a fellow retired surfing geezer, you should realize that even self-sufficient, tidy adults need to share the chores required to keep a home running -- and it's not really that much work.

Additionally, it's not really all that tough to think of little ways to make someone else's life a little easier -- certainly if you love that person and want her to be happy and feeling good about you. In return, your partner should ease up a little and be appreciative.

DEAR AMY: I'm worried about my friend, "Lori." We are both 16. She started drinking at parties when she was 12, and also smokes cigarettes and pot (as do I). If we go out she normally has already taken a couple of shots of vodka or some other hard liquor before we go. A few days ago, she told me that she had downed her breakfast with some tequila.

Amy, I'm really worried about her. I know her parents have healthy drinking habits. Lori has also mentioned her desire to experiment with heroin, cocaine and other hard drugs. I don't know what I can do to help her without seeming like I'm judging her for her choices or being prudish.-- Scared at 16

DEAR SCARED: Based on what you report it sounds as if your friend has a full-blown alcohol addiction, which, if she started drinking at 12, is not surprising (studies show that the earlier a person starts drinking, the quicker addiction can surface).

You should do everything you can think of to help: Express your concern to her, talk to a counselor at school and share your concerns with her parents and yours, though I wonder where all of your parents are because you seem to be raising yourselves. You do have to be brave enough not to worry about seeming judgmental.

But your biggest and most important job is to take care of yourself. I hope you will start to apply all of your ample intelligence and good judgment to your own life.

DEAR AMY: Responding to the letter from "Down and Out," who was dating a guy who loved being surrounded by women: So you think a guy who takes a woman on a date for dancing is just a "fun flirt" (as you call him) if he leaves his date sitting alone and dances with other single women? Sounds like he's more of an egoist cad and rude to leave his date alone, but a "fun flirt"? C'mon, Amy, have a little more respect for women.-- DK

DEAR DK: The man in question was a flirt when she met him, but now she wanted him to change. And yes, I will definitely try to have more respect for women. Thank you.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Feb 22, 2013
1 Dude, DTMFB You dont need her noise.

2 Kid, tell you parents, this is too big for you to handle. If your friend winds up choking in her own vomit stoned out of her mind, you will wish you had.

3 STFU you man hater.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Feb 22, 2013
LW1: If you're leavingthe place clean, what is it that she feels you need to clean? Sexist as it is, home maintenance typically is the job of the man. What maintenance are you expecting her to do? Shopping? Really? You live a life of leisure and feel doingthe shopping is too much? Errands? Same thing. She's at work all day. Your schedule is set by you. Is it really that big a deal to run to the post office? Amy's right. You'd probably be better off living alone.

LW2: It's not her fault. You led her to the gateway(pot) and she started falling downhill into the rest. She don't like hte drugs, but the drugs like her.
mrs tonka toy

Greenville, SC

#4 Feb 22, 2013
uff da!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Feb 22, 2013
Dog- did you juice up that first letter at all?
Da Kinkfish

Greenville, SC

#6 Feb 22, 2013
Holy mackel Andie holy mackel.
Pee Ellan

Columbus, IN

#7 Feb 22, 2013
Yo dooshbags!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#8 Feb 22, 2013
L1: My mom did all the housework from day one. And then my dad retired -- early, and financially set for life. He took over the housework, probably 95% of it, because he wanted to enjoy my mom's company when he got home from work. HE was busy during retirement, putting in phone lines for handicapped and deaf people, going to the riverboat casino an hour away (severl times a week), visiting elderly relatives 2-3 hours away, etc. And he found ample time to keep up with the housework (two neat/tidy people don't really create much of a mess).

I thought it was sweet that he did the housework so when my mom got home from work, she didn't have to do it.

But that's not you. You're not my dad. I honestly am sort of on the fence on this letter. Part of me thinks that because she's *working*, you should put in more "work" at home. But another part of me likes the idea of getting a housekeeper. Another part thinks your GF should pick up after herself. But if you have separate bathrooms, would she expect you to clean hers?

Also: Did she make dumb choices and that's why she's still working or can't retire early?(LIke went on expensive vacations or made other costly choices, or did she work lower paying jobs in the nonprofit sector, something I respect and admire?)

I look forward to posting this and then going in to read everyone's opinions on this letter.

L2: I don't think "you have a drinking problem" carries much weight when it's coming from a 16 year old who drinks, smokes pot, and smokes cigarettes. Personally, I do think she has a drinking problem (and I Think both of you need to knock off the pot until you're older) and you should consider taking your concerns to an adult -- teacher, guidance counselor, etc.

L3: THere is NOTHING WRONG with a man dancing with other women when he's brought a date (including a wife) to a dance. Men and women have been dancing with people other than their S.O.s since there has been dancing. If he's neglecting his partner, that's one thing. But she could be dancing with other men. My god, I HATE to dance and even I think this possessiveness over dancing is stupid.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#9 Feb 22, 2013
PEllen wrote:
Dog- did you juice up that first letter at all?
He didn't -- it's the same as what is in the WaPo today.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Feb 22, 2013
LW1: Hire a cleaning service.

LW2: Talk to an adult, even if it's some anonymous hot line.

LW3: Feeling lazy again; what Red said.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#11 Feb 22, 2013
1- Get off your lazy ass duff and do some housework, you self-centered POS c0ckassdouchebag! Your girlfriend works full time and you expect her to run all the erands and cook, clean, and do laundry so you can jibber-jabber all goddam day at the coffee shop!? Do your girlfriend a favor and move out.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#12 Feb 22, 2013
Always good to see new posters!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Feb 22, 2013
L1: I agree with Amy -- as long as the gf isn't being a total slob and is expecting the bf to clean up after her being a slob. 2 adult people -- how bad can it be?

L2: There's more here that we're not reading. Something happened/is happening in their lives whether it's parents or something. The LW should talk to a guidance counselor at school and she herself should go online and look for AA or Narcotics Anonymous for a meeting near her and go. She could learn a lot.

L3: I don't see a problem with a guy dancing other women as long as his date isn't ignored by him.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#14 Feb 22, 2013
L1 If LW was living on his own he would have to do all those errands for himself- post office, dry cleaning, oil change, grocery store, cooking, etc (sounds like my Saturdays btw). Note there is no housecleaning on that list because you can hire that.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#15 Feb 22, 2013
LW1: I think household chores should be equally split, given that you are retired. If you weren't retired and were not working (and presumably bringing in no income), I'd say you should do the majority of chores.

LW2: Man, I dunno. We used to slam 3 or 4 beers (when I say slam, I mean downing the whole thing in one chug ... maybe two) in the morning in the parking lot of high school before class sometimes. I turned out fine, as did most of my buds. I'm not an alcoholic ... could never drink another drop the rest of my life and be a-ok. I remember having to pee so bad in the middle of first period, sometimes.

LW3: I didn't see the original, but if I were to go out with a woman, she would have my undivided attention, even if I knew that would be our last date ... out of respect. Someone who treats a woman like that isn't even worth writing an advice columnist over.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#16 Feb 22, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
Always good to see new posters!
Have you met their friend, Big Billy Goat Gruff?

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#17 Feb 22, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 Dude, DTMFB You dont need her noise.
2 Kid, tell you parents, this is too big for you to handle. If your friend winds up choking in her own vomit stoned out of her mind, you will wish you had.
3 STFU you man hater.
No, no! RACE do not turn into Eggdogg, Pleeeease!

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#18 Feb 22, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 Dude, DTMFB You dont need her noise.
I would probably do the same. I wouldn't work my whole life to retire and then have to listen to some nagging b1tch.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#19 Feb 22, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: I think household chores should be equally split, given that you are retired.
Why should it be equal? She's working all day and he is not? He presumably has more time to do a majority of what needs to be done, and allow his girlfriend a chance to rest and relax when she gets home.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#20 Feb 22, 2013
Great answers from Amy today.

LW1: Explain to me why you can't find the time to go grocery shopping and do errands while your girlfriend is at work. You would need to buy groceries once in a while if you lived alone, right? And if you don't want to do routine chores, hire someone to do them for you and quit bickering.

LW2: Wow. Heroin and cocaine, really? At 16? These are *very* dangerous drugs. Many people have died from using them. My question is, what is going on in her life that makes her want to self-medicate like this? She's headed down a slippery slope and if you really care about her, you will do everything you can to get her on a healthier path.

LW3: I totally agree with Red. I go salsa dancing regularly. Everyone mixes and mingles, whether they are married or with a girlfriend/boyfriend. The original LW was less social than her boyfriend and trying to change him instead of changing herself.

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