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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Nov 14, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding "Lost for Words" (July 7), who skipped her 10-year high school reunion because she was bullied in school.(She is now receiving Facebook messages from former classmates who want to apologize.)

That letter could have been about me! I was bullied all through school, too. Things were so bad I honestly don't know how I kept it together. I never even told my parents how bad it was until years after I had graduated.

My class (1972) had their 10-year reunion and I went, although I almost didn't because I was scared. When I got there, I was given hugs by classmates. Some of them apologized, and it was wonderful. I enjoyed myself so much that I helped organize our 20th and 25th reunions.

"Lost," you can either keep reliving those painful moments and continue to suffer, or rise above it, prove to your classmates and yourself that they can't hurt you anymore and get to know each other now as peers.

Counseling helped me to learn to deal with bad things in my life. Don't get me wrong, I still have some issues and life isn't always easy, but I have learned to let go and forgive these people. They, too, have grown up and are now mature adults who know right from wrong.-- CATHY IN ESTERHAZY, CANADA

DEAR CATHY: Thank you for sharing your experience and insights along with many other readers who were bullied in school. One common denominator in their letters was the word "forgiveness." Interestingly, I received none from the bullies themselves! Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As middle school teachers, we do our best to curtail abuse, but it happens behind the scenes. The targets can remain bullied for years, as the writer expressed. It is sad that this person is affected to this day, 10 years after graduation.

I agree the target has no obligation to forgive the bullies, but this would be a perfect time to send a strong message to them via her Facebook page. An article on the effects of bullying could be posted with a message that if the bullies truly want forgiveness, they should pass this life lesson on to their children who may be engaged in similar behavior.-- MARY ANN IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: When I attended my 10th reunion, the people who had bullied me apologized and I told them I forgave them. I just attended my 30th reunion, and some of the same bullies asked again for my forgiveness. They are in a self-imposed prison of guilt from which they will be free only when they can accept that I forgive them. My advice to "Lost" is to respond to the Facebook messages with a thank-you, and leave it at that.-- DAWNA IN MONTANA

DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, I went to my 50th. It was the only reunion I ever attended. Halfway through the event, the "bully brigade" came up to me to apologize for their behavior. I hadn't thought about it and was having a great time. But suddenly, I was emotionally thrown back into those years of hating school because of how I was treated.

On my way out, I confronted the worst bully. I told her her apology was not accepted, and they could all keep their apologies and hold onto their guilt for another 50 years. The minute I said it, it was like a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders.-- ANNE IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I was a late bloomer. When the time came for my 30th reunion, I was a successful, confident millionaire with a knockout blond wife, and I looked years younger than my age. My classmates were bald, wrinkled or saggy. There was no 40th reunion -- they had all given up. Living well really is the best revenge.-- HAPPY IN THE SOUTH

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Nov 14, 2013
Whatever, teach your kids how to fight their own battles instead of fighting them for them.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#3 Nov 14, 2013
Jeez, fifty years later and you're still holding a grudge? Yeah, you sure showed them...

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#4 Nov 14, 2013
Didn't like them back then and there is no reason to think I wold like them now. Reunions are for schmucks.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Nov 14, 2013
That last letter was a doozy.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 Nov 14, 2013
The girls' school is really on top of the no-bully thing. They talk about it all the time, posters in the hallway, assemblies, that kind of thing. I'm grateful for that, but they've almost taken it too far. Now, any time a kid is just being a kid by being rude or not sharing a toy or just other normal stupid kid behavior that my girls don't care for suddenly becomes bullying. We're working on understanding the difference between "not everybody is going to like you" and true bullying, but it ain't easy!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Nov 14, 2013
Mimi Seattle wrote:
Didn't like them back then and there is no reason to think I wold like them now. Reunions are for schmucks.
Well then I'm a schmuck b/c I did enjoy my 10 year reunion. After that, though -- for me personally I didn't need to see them again at the 20th and I didn't hear of the 30th.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#8 Nov 14, 2013
Interesting that she commented she had not heard from any of the bullies.

I have a sense that bullies don't see themselves as such, that they are
just joking around" and that the victims need to toughen up. Without any self awareness there won't be contrition.

I don't believe there was a mass apology at a 50 year reunion. I think t is a great fantasy and I applaud LW for making that psychological move, but it didn't happen IRL. Can you see a bunch of 68 year olds remembering that stuff and caring? That's my cohort. But like I said, nice fantasy.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#9 Nov 14, 2013
Mimi Seattle wrote:
Reunions are for schmucks.
Or for those who got along fine with people they went to school with and weren't social R-tards

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#10 Nov 14, 2013
squishymama wrote:
The girls' school is really on top of the no-bully thing. They talk about it all the time, posters in the hallway, assemblies, that kind of thing. I'm grateful for that, but they've almost taken it too far. Now, any time a kid is just being a kid by being rude or not sharing a toy or just other normal stupid kid behavior that my girls don't care for suddenly becomes bullying.
Another unintended consequence of your liberal paradise.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#11 Nov 14, 2013
I hatewhen we have whole articles of rehash. Kids do need to toughen up some, but real bullying does happen. My daughter went through it 2 years ago. 2 girls were bullying her (and a couple of her friends). I almost pulled her out of school, especially after they made my daughter write an apology to her bully.

The principal acknowledged that they realized after the fact that the bully was lying about what happened, but that didn't change the situation for my daughter. I believe it was a racial situation and that they didn't want to "rock the boat".

I did tell the school that I would pull my kid out if those girls were in her class the next year. Turns out those girls were asked not to come back.

I wonder how THAT went down.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#12 Nov 14, 2013
LW1: I'm glad that schools are now taking bullying seriously, but holding on to negative stuff that happened in high school is a huge waste of energy.
Blunt Advice

Suffern, NY

#13 Nov 14, 2013
Not bullied so much in hs, but had moved from another town and never got to know more than a few people because I was very shy and cliques had already been formed and they weren't too inclusive of the newcomers. I considered a lot of classmates to be very stuck up. But when I went to my 30th reunion I was pretty amazed that people remembered me and even those who didn't struck up conversations. Yeah people grow up and those who teased and bullied others do regret it later on.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Nov 14, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
I hatewhen we have whole articles of rehash. Kids do need to toughen up some, but real bullying does happen. My daughter went through it 2 years ago. 2 girls were bullying her (and a couple of her friends). I almost pulled her out of school, especially after they made my daughter write an apology to her bully.
The principal acknowledged that they realized after the fact that the bully was lying about what happened, but that didn't change the situation for my daughter. I believe it was a racial situation and that they didn't want to "rock the boat".
I did tell the school that I would pull my kid out if those girls were in her class the next year. Turns out those girls were asked not to come back.
I wonder how THAT went down.
True story -- in middle school my kid was being bullied by this much bigger kid. He did stuff like break his drum (pricey) but would deny it. The little sh*t was smart on how he did things. When I called the school they got them both together and told my son the best thing he could do was make friends with him to have a better relationship. Make friends with your enemy thing.

Glad I told him no how, no way -- just stay away from him. That kid ended up shooting someone. Not on school grounds, but another kid at his house while playing with a gun.

That was years ago. I know the kid was on a bracelet at home until court. I wonder whatever happened.

A lot of times bullies are the product of bully parents. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

Hmmmm. I think I'll google it.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#15 Nov 14, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
True story -- in middle school my kid was being bullied by this much bigger kid. He did stuff like break his drum (pricey) but would deny it. The little sh*t was smart on how he did things. When I called the school they got them both together and told my son the best thing he could do was make friends with him to have a better relationship. Make friends with your enemy thing.
Glad I told him no how, no way -- just stay away from him. That kid ended up shooting someone. Not on school grounds, but another kid at his house while playing with a gun.
That was years ago. I know the kid was on a bracelet at home until court. I wonder whatever happened.
A lot of times bullies are the product of bully parents. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.
Hmmmm. I think I'll google it.
Yeah, her one major bully had a younger sister that was also a bit of a bully. I think it has to do with the family.

Thing with my daughter's situation was that she wrote a letter to the bully asking why they couldn't be friends and the bully tore it up. That was what led to my daughter having to write an apology! It was a tough year and I was extra mad that it's a Christian school!

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#16 Nov 14, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
True story -- in middle school my kid was being bullied by this much bigger kid. He did stuff like break his drum (pricey) but would deny it. The little sh*t was smart on how he did things. When I called the school they got them both together and told my son the best thing he could do was make friends with him to have a better relationship. Make friends with your enemy thing.
Glad I told him no how, no way -- just stay away from him. That kid ended up shooting someone. Not on school grounds, but another kid at his house while playing with a gun.
That was years ago. I know the kid was on a bracelet at home until court. I wonder whatever happened.
A lot of times bullies are the product of bully parents. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.
Hmmmm. I think I'll google it.
And you were smart yo tell your kid to stay away from him!!!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#17 Nov 14, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
And you were smart yo tell your kid to stay away from him!!!
I am of the thinking that, at least with friends, you can choose those and you should choose wisely.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#18 Nov 14, 2013
PEllen wrote:
I don't believe there was a mass apology at a 50 year reunion. I think t is a great fantasy and I applaud LW for making that psychological move, but it didn't happen IRL. Can you see a bunch of 68 year olds remembering that stuff and caring? That's my cohort. But like I said, nice fantasy.
I don't really believe any of those bullying apology stories. I'm almost 20 years out of high school now, and the bullies from high school are mainly all obnoxious, bullying adults with entitlement complexes. They are not people who will probably ever have the self-awareness to evaluate themselves and think that maybe they shouldn't have done what they did. Or they are the type of people who very strongly believe that people "bring it on themselves". They don't lose that attitude as they age, they more strongly invest in it.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#19 Nov 14, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Or for those who got along fine with people they went to school with and weren't social R-tards
Or for people who can't move on from being HS aged mentality. Dude I have friends that I've known longer than you've been alive. That doesn't mean I stopped maturing at 16 and just stayed emotionally in stasis all my life like some people *cough* you *cough* did.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#20 Nov 14, 2013
Ha-ha!
Your feeding your troll.
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
Or for people who can't move on from being HS aged mentality. Dude I have friends that I've known longer than you've been alive. That doesn't mean I stopped maturing at 16 and just stayed emotionally in stasis all my life like some people *cough* you *cough* did.

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