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“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Oct 16, 2013
DEAR AMY: I have been married to my husband for 12 years. I have three grown children from a previous marriage, and he has none.

He has always been somewhat jealous of my kids and cannot understand why I talk to my daughter almost every day. She lives six hours away, and we have a very close relationship.
My boys live nearby, and when I want to have them over for dinner, my husband always acts angry and makes comments about them.

My latest dilemma is that my daughter and her husband are coming home for Thanksgiving and bringing their dog. The dog is very friendly and house-trained. My husband told me absolutely no dog. We have two dogs and a good-size home and yard. I feel he is being extremely difficult and putting me in a bad spot with my daughter.

This is another situation of feeling I have to choose between his wants and my kids’ wants. Some days I feel my life would be so much nicer if I were not married and could just have my kids around occasionally without the tension. What are your thoughts?-- In the Middle

DEAR MIDDLE: If your husband had more of a stake in these relationships, he wouldn’t feel so threatened by them. It sounds as if you’ve been the go-between for 12 years. You need to back off — just far enough so that all of your loved ones take more responsibility for their own feelings and opinions and bear actual consequences for their actions. And he needs to stop being such a baby.

Try this: Your daughter wants to bring her dog to your house. Your husband doesn’t want that. The next time you are talking to her on the phone, you can say,“Chrissy, Bob has expressed concerns about you bringing the dog. Here — let me put him on so he can explain it.” If your husband maintains his “no dog” stance with your daughter, then he’s not putting you in a bad spot with her — he’s putting himself there (and frankly, you should consider backing him up on this).

You shouldn’t have to choose “between his wants and the kids’ wants.” And he should definitely step up, try harder and be more respectful.

DEAR AMY: Is it appropriate to give my son’s fiancee a (relatively) expensive ring? I’m thinking of giving her a ring I had made for myself more than 40 years ago. It has great sentimental value, but I don’t wear it anymore. It has been rolling around in a safe-deposit box for the last 30 years.

My intention was to present it to her as a gift from the heart welcoming her into the family.

My son’s fiancee is not from this country, and both of her parents died a little over a year ago. She is a delightful, upbeat, loving and unselfish person.

My son is 41, and his girlfriend is 40; neither one has ever been married before. We are delighted for both of them.

If you think it is okay, could you please suggest some appropriate wording?-- Lost for Words in Seattle

DEAR LOST: This is a lovely gesture, and the “right” way to make it is directly from the heart. You say,“We are overjoyed for both of you and look forward to having you in our family. This is a ring I’ve had for a very long time, and I would love for you to have it.”

The only caveat is that you must not expect her to wear this ring. She may choose to have it reset, for instance. It will be hers now to enjoy as she wishes.

DEAR AMY: About the letter from “The Teach” on how to handle her hot flashes at school, my teacher carried a small plastic battery-operated fan, which could also be placed on her desk, hands free. Sometimes she’d say,“Is it hot in here, or is it just me?” And the class would reply back,“It’s just you!”-- Viola

DEAR VIOLA: I have received a surprisingly high volume of mail about this. Students have been paying attention.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Oct 16, 2013
1 of course he's jealous, he has absolutely no relationship with them, but he is supposed to treat them like "Family". I think everyone bears a little bit of the guilt for this problem.

2 Dont give her the ring, she will pawn it and use the money to bring her husband over from Guam.

3 If only men were teachers, this would be a non issue.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#3 Oct 16, 2013
RACE wrote:
2 Dont give her the ring, she will pawn it and use the money to bring her husband over from Guam.
Economical way to get a new pool-boy. What's the problem?

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#4 Oct 16, 2013
RACE wrote:
2 Dont give her the ring, she will pawn it and use the money to bring her husband over from Guam.
3 If only men were teachers, this would be a non issue.
2)Guam is "this country." It's a territory.
3)Plenty of medications cause hot flashes (in either sex!) Particularly hormone therapy for prostate cancer.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#5 Oct 16, 2013
LW1 - Yep.

LW2 - Yep.

LW3 - Please, stop. Please.
Blunt Advice

Suffern, NY

#6 Oct 16, 2013
1. Get counseling. If he can't stop being so selfish get a divorce lawyer.
2. He is 40 years old. He should have enough money to buy his own ring for her. Do you have other children or granddaughters? Save your family ring.
3. Bring a fan to school. Wear lightweight layered clothing. Have cold water on hand.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 Oct 16, 2013
Details...Details...
VAdame wrote:
<quoted text>
2)Guam is "this country." It's a territory.
3)Plenty of medications cause hot flashes (in either sex!) Particularly hormone therapy for prostate cancer.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#8 Oct 16, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 of course he's jealous, he has absolutely no relationship with them, but he is supposed to treat them like "Family". I think everyone bears a little bit of the guilt for this problem.
2 Dont give her the ring, she will pawn it and use the money to bring her husband over from Guam.
3 If only men were teachers, this would be a non issue.
Guam is America.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Oct 16, 2013
LW1: It’s really hard to know what’s going on without being there to witness the dynamic. Not sure about the other stuff, but if he doesn’t want another dog in the house, I can’t say that’s being unreasonable and maybe you should support him sometimes.

Also what comments does he make about your sons. Are they true? How do your sons act?

In terms of you talking with your daughter almost every day, I’d say that’s not terribly abnormal for a lot of moms and daughters and I don’t see why he has a problem with it.

LW2: Don’t give her the ring, she will pawn it and use the money to bring her husband over from Ecuador. <<<< That’s how you do it rite, Race.:p

LW3: If I have to read about hot flashes one more time…

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#10 Oct 16, 2013
L1: This is an issue you should have dealt with 11.5 years ago.

L2: You just wanted to brag about how generous you are to the poor foreign orphan.

L3: Unlike a hot flash, this rehash has gotten cold. And stale. And moldy.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#11 Oct 16, 2013
L1: Need more details here, but I would have a few questions...

When you talk to your daughter almost every day, how long do you talk? Are you sharing details of your marriage or things about your husband that he doesn't want shared? And when do you talk to her? While you are sitting at dinner with him? In bed? Do you take her calls when you were in the middle of a conversation with him? What is it about these conversations that is upsetting him?

What is it about your sons that bothers him? Do you all include him in the conversations? Do they treat him with respect? I don't mean subservience; I mean respect. YOU sound like he is an inconvenience. Do they do the same? I doubt that I would want them around either, if that's the case.

Why doesn't he want the dog there? Have you tried asking him that, and then listening to his answer? Really listening, not just deflecting?

I don't know. Maybe LW is dead on, and the husband is the problem. Maybe not.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Oct 16, 2013
LW1: You portray him as a spoiled child. I don't think I'd want to be married to that either.

LW2: I'm with jmw on this; you just wanted to toot your own horn.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#13 Oct 16, 2013
LW2 Give her the ring AFTER they get married. Once you give it, you can't ask for it back if they break up.

The ring is not a family heirloom- you had it made for yourself.

Even if it has great sentimental value, you haven't won it for 30 years, so its not likley your son will gush over "Mom's ruby".

Save it for a 2nd anniversary gift for her, or better yet, f you are not to old, for her 50th birthday.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#14 Oct 16, 2013
LW1: Team squishymama.

LW2: Team PEllen.

LW3: Should've printed this yesterday along with the other one.
Blunt Advice

Suffern, NY

#15 Oct 16, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
L1: This is an issue you should have dealt with 11.5 years ago.
Agree wholeheartedly
Mimi

United States

#16 Oct 16, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
That’s how you do it rite, Race.:p
Right not rite. Rite is like a "rite of passage," etc.(._.)

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#17 Oct 16, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
L1: This is an issue you should have dealt with 11.5 years ago.
L2: You just wanted to brag about how generous you are to the poor foreign orphan.
L3: Unlike a hot flash, this rehash has gotten cold. And stale. And moldy.
Jamwow said it all for me.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#18 Oct 16, 2013
Would somebody please wash the smelly rehash stains from LW3 out of this column?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#19 Oct 16, 2013
Mimi wrote:
<quoted text>
Right not rite. Rite is like a "rite of passage," etc.(._.)
Rite! Thanks, Captain Obvious. I know this.

Not on this forum, but elsewhere one of my favorite expressions is "U r mad rite?"

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#20 Oct 16, 2013
I also use the word "tho," even tho, it's spelled though. I don't view this as formal writing. I do enough of that.

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