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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
May 10, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: I am a longtime reader but a first-time writer. My problem has been bothering me for some time now.

We have a grandson who is 4 and very much a "princess boy." He likes girl toys and dresses and doesn't like any of his boy toys. We're at a loss about how to handle this.

He's an adorable little boy and we love him to pieces. His parents don't accept this behavior, and I'm afraid it will affect him now and in the future. How would you handle this? We don't say anything to his parents because they are pretty much in denial.-- WORRIED GRANDMA

DEAR WORRIED: If he were my grandchild I'd talk with the parents. I, too, am concerned about how their attitude will affect the child in the future, because parents are supposed to love and accept children the way they are, and sexual orientation is inborn. Children who feel consistent disapproval grow up thinking they aren't good enough and don't measure up -- which can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I would "handle this" by making sure my grandson knew I loved, accepted and valued him just the way he is. If that means allowing him to play with the toys of his choice in my home, that's what I'd do. And if he showed more interest in art, music and dance and less interest in sports, trucks, etc., I'd support that, too.

I'm glad you asked this question. Your grandson may or may not grow up to be gay or transgender, which is what I think your letter is really about. Regardless of what his orientation is, it's very important that he knows he is valued for who he is.

DEAR ABBY: I know this boy that I really love. He's nice, smart and funny and I think about him all the time. He says he loves me back.

Is this true love, or just a mutual crush? I know I'm only 13, but I think I'm in love. Is it ridiculous to think I have found true love in seventh grade? How can I tell whether it's love or not? And what would you consider the usual age to find your perfect other half?-- CONFUSED IN LOVE

DEAR CONFUSED: No one can predict how old you will be when you meet someone who is your perfect other half. People's interests and needs evolve as they grow older, and what seems perfect today can seem less so when viewed through the lens of life experience.

I would never label your feelings as "ridiculous," but when you are in love, there is usually no doubt about it. Because you need to ask someone else if what you're feeling is true love, then it probably isn't.

DEAR ABBY: I met a guy on an online dating site. It turns out I know him. He works at a store I shop in three times a week. He's nice, funny and everything I'm looking for in a guy except he's 25 and I'm 17.

He knows how old I am and for a while he was fine with it. Now he thinks I'm a cop and I'm going to bust him for trying to have sex with me 'cause I'm underage. He explained why he thinks that, and he made sense. But I'm not a cop. I gave him information trying to prove I'm not.

Abby, I really like him. How do I prove that I'm not a cop? How do I show him he can trust me?-- NEEDS ADVICE IN OREGON

DEAR NEEDS ADVICE: Undercover cops are older than 17. Because you say this man was "fine" with seeing you, but now is pulling away, it is possible that he is trying to let you down without hurting your feelings. You are not yet out of high school and this man is far ahead of you in life experience. Rather than try to talk him into having a sexual relationship with you, you would be much better off finding someone your own age.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
May 10, 2013
 

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1 send him to military camp. He is less likely to grow up gay with a strong male role models. I know this is true 'cause edog said it.
2 Oh, Please.....
3 How about you keep your legs closed and he keeps it in his pants Then he does not have to worry if your a cop or not.

Since: Jan 10

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#3
May 10, 2013
 

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L1: He should have all types of toys from which to choose. No forcing him to play with a "boy" toy should occur. Let him develop naturally.

L2: You're 13. Even if it's love, there's not much you can do. Keep your legs together.

L3: He's FUCKING STUPID. 17 year olds can't be cops. Don't go out with him, but not because of the age difference, but because he's a complete moron.

(Surprisingly, the age of consent in Oregon is 18.)

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#4
May 10, 2013
 

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1- Where's he getting these "girl toys" and dresses? The parents should be able to control what he has access to. Get him GI Joes and tonka trucks and dress him up in camo. Hang up pics of naked women in his room if necessary. Start the conditioning now.

2- You're being ridiculous.

3- If he really thinks you're a 17 yr old undercover cop, he's an idiot. I agree he's just trying to make excuses. Maybe he's not really all that into you.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#5
May 10, 2013
 
LW1: I think the grandma has accepted the fact that he is playing with the "girl" toys. It's the parents' attitudes about it that she's concerned about. She can talk to the parents, btu there's not much she can do except, like Abby said, show him as much love and acceptance as she can. SHe needs to be his soft place to fall.

LW2: You're 13. It's infatuation, not love. And, like Red said, keep your legs together. And you also must accept that there is NO SUCH THING AS A "PERFECT OTHER HALF". The sooner you get that, the better off you'll be. Enjoy the ride. You like each other and it's fun to get to know someone. You'll find love when you are older. And, again, keep your legs together. Can't emphasize that enough.

LW3: You are 17. WTH are you doing on a dating web site??? Are there no boys your age at school or at work??? You seem awfully anxious to sleep with some guy. Step back and FOCUS. And find a guy your own age.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#6
May 10, 2013
 

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L1: You aren't going to change the parents. The child will grow up knowing who accepts him for who he is. Keeping accepting him for who he is and be there for him. My son when he was young like to play with barbies, dolls, was into painting and artsy stuff. He also liked and was good at sports, wrestling, the outdoors. Doesn't mean anything at 4. Quit over thinking this and just accept the boy.

L2: Here's the thing. At 13 you have not had enough life experience nor develop yourself enough to know who is the love of your life. However, at 13 you may think you are certain but don't have enough self confidence (thank goodness) to verbalize it and are looking for validation. Continue to explore life and don't put too much important on boys -- put yourself and your goals first. Wait until you have validation for yourself and not looking for others for validation.

L3: I don't think this guy is interested in her. He probably likes how she looks but is not interested in those high school giggly girls but he's too immature to say it so he's making up crap. Move on.

Since: Jan 10

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#7
May 10, 2013
 

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In case my first post gets pulled b/c of he F word, I'll repost without it:

L1: He should have all types of toys from which to choose. No forcing him to play with a "boy" toy should occur. Let him develop naturally.

L2: You're 13. Even if it's love, there's not much you can do. Keep your legs together.

L3: He's STUPID. 17 year olds can't be cops. Don't go out with him, but not because of the age difference, but because he's a complete moron.

(Surprisingly, the age of consent in Oregon is 18.)

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#8
May 10, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
(Surprisingly, the age of consent in Oregon is 18.)
Age to vote: 18
Age to join the military: 18
Age to move out: 18
Drinking age: 21
Age to consent to sex: eh, should be 14. They're mature and responsible by then...

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

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#9
May 10, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
1- Where's he getting these "girl toys" and dresses? The parents should be able to control what he has access to.
Olders sisters, maybe??
3- If he really thinks you're a 17 yr old undercover cop, he's an idiot. I agree he's just trying to make excuses. Maybe he's not really all that into you.
Ha, what's your address, 21 Jump Street?!:-P

Since: Aug 08

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#10
May 10, 2013
 

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LW1: A couple trips to the steel mill to see should cure what ills.

1. You take folks as they are, IMO.

2. You love your children unconditionally and let them choose who they will be.

LW2: There multiple folks out there who are your “perfect other half”. Is it possible that you found such a person in 7th grade; sure, but you both will change so much as you grow and it’s really hard to know? Odds say no, too, but it happens.

LW3: That whole situation is f’tarded.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

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#11
May 10, 2013
 
Does anyone else think LW1 and LW3 are fake?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#12
May 10, 2013
 

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LW1: What Abby said. <gollum>

LW2: "Is it ridiculous to think I have found true love in seventh grade?"

Yes.

LW3: He is trying in a very inept way to dump you. He was fine with the age difference at first, but then he got to thinking and realized that he'd have to confess to his friends that you're into Justin Beiber. <shudder>

“boredom made me do it”

Since: Aug 08

ny, ny

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#13
May 10, 2013
 
LW1: ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H.

That was my brain exploding. Let the freaking kid play with what the freaking kid wants to play with.[pant pant pant]/rage

Seriously, Abby's qualifier about the kid not necessarily being gay because of what he plays with came way too late in her answer, especially as an earlier portion of her answer implied the opposite.

Either way, who gives a flying flarp. Worry about more important things like whether he's making the princesses torture their subjects.

LW3: Um. Right. So to begin with, you were on a dating website when you were 17 why? Did you have to lie about your age to be on it? And now you want your boyfriend to trust you and go ahead and do something that could get him jailed? Or permanently put on a sex offender registry? You do understand that even if you're not a cop, this is still a dangerous situation for him, right? How much longer until you're 18?

If one of the reasons you want to have sex with him so badly is because you're afraid you'll lose him if he's not having sex with you, then you need understand that the relationship is a loss either which way. It sucks, it hurts - but time to move on and find somebody else. Let this go, sometimes, a situation just doesn't have a solution you'll like, and you just have to let it go.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#14
May 10, 2013
 
L1 Kids go through phases. 4 yearold do all sorts or strange things. Give him lots for him to choose from. One way or another he will sort it out.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#15
May 10, 2013
 

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animaniactoo wrote:
Let the freaking kid play with what the freaking kid wants to play with.
There's nothing wrong with trying to steer him in the right direction.

"No, no, Barbies are for girls, boys play with Transformers."
"No, no, girls use pink, use the blue crayon."
"Dresses are for girls, boys wear suits."

Once he starts school, would you seriously let him show up in a dress on the first day of kindergarten? Tolerance or parenting fail?

There's a saying: Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

Come on, peeps.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#16
May 10, 2013
 
Toj wrote:
He probably likes how she looks but is not interested in those high school giggly girls
Squeeeeeee!!

“boredom made me do it”

Since: Aug 08

ny, ny

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#17
May 10, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
There's nothing wrong with trying to steer him in the right direction.
"No, no, Barbies are for girls, boys play with Transformers."
"No, no, girls use pink, use the blue crayon."
"Dresses are for girls, boys wear suits."
Once he starts school, would you seriously let him show up in a dress on the first day of kindergarten? Tolerance or parenting fail?
There's a saying: Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Come on, peeps.
If my kid wants it that bad, I will let him show up in a dress and talk to him about the way other people react to thinks that *they* think are bad, but *I* do not think is bad, so if he wants to he can wear the dress, but if he doesn't want to deal with the teasing that is okay too.

And seriously, I am a kids product designer and you do not want to see me go off on the same rant I went off on over on WaPo a couple of weeks ago. I work with licensed product. I HATE gender-designing and do a ton of it for my job as there is almost nothing anymore that is NOT gender-assigned.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#18
May 10, 2013
 
animaniactoo wrote:
so if he wants to he can wear the dress, but if he doesn't want to deal with the teasing that is okay too.
Dear Lord... You'd actually ENCOURAGE a boy to wear a dress
animaniactoo wrote:
there is almost nothing anymore that is NOT gender-assigned.
GOOD!! I will NEVER support a "unisex" society!!

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#19
May 10, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Dear Lord... You'd actually ENCOURAGE a boy to wear a dress
<quoted text>
GOOD!! I will NEVER support a "unisex" society!!
You go from boys enjoying when they are 4 years old playing with barbies and liking art to a unisex society.

You really need to discover something called the gray area. Not everything is black or white.

I didn't read where she was encouraging the boy to wear a dress b/c that would be as wrong as encouraging him not to be himself. She is willing to SUPPORT a kid to be themselves. There's a difference there.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#20
May 10, 2013
 
Toj wrote:
You go from boys enjoying when they are 4 years old playing with barbies and liking art to a unisex society.
No.
Toj wrote:
You really need to discover something called the gray area. Not everything is black or white.
This is exactly what I've been screaming at you people for years. So.. nice try.
Toj wrote:
I didn't read where she was encouraging the boy to wear a dress
"If he wants to he can wear a dress."
Toj wrote:
that would be as wrong as encouraging him not to be himself.
Wha..? He's four. What is "himself?"
Toj wrote:
She is willing to SUPPORT a kid to be themselves.
Meaning what? Letting him put on a tutu and go prancing through the mall. At age four? What if he wants to bash cars with his baseball bat? Let him be himself?
Toj wrote:
There's a difference there.
Where?

Argument fail.

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