“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jun 20, 2014
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Vinny," and I were married 11 years when he left me for another woman. Eight months later he decided the grass wasn't greener on that side of the fence and came back. Our marriage is better now than it was before the affair.

Seven months later his younger brother "Nicky" got divorced and moved in with us. A short while after that, Vinny and Nicky joined a band.

It has been a year now, and my brother-in-law is still here. I am more than ready for him to move out, but every time I mention it, Vinny says Nicky has "just" gone through a divorce and "we're all he has."

I hate all the time Vinny devotes to the band. I try not to complain because I know how much he enjoys it, but I'm miserable. They practice in our basement on Mondays and Wednesdays, and every Friday and Saturday night is spent performing.

I have no privacy! How do I get Nicky out of here? Should I push the issue with the band or let it go? My parents are furious with Vinny. They say he's reliving his childhood, Nicky is taking advantage and Vinny is taking me for granted. Can you offer some advice?-- HURTING IN NEW YORK

DEAR HURTING: Your brother-in-law should have been out of your house a month after he moved in. Tell Vinny you've had it with this experiment in communal living, set an exit date for Nicky and stick to it. If your husband refuses to listen to reason, then he is sending you a strong message that your wishes are not important.

As for Vinny's participation in the band, he and the other band members must be talented or they wouldn't be booked every Friday and Saturday night. Look at the bright side: When they're rehearsing in your basement, at least you know where your husband is and what he's doing. Marriage is a compromise, so learn to enjoy the music, but cultivate interests and hobbies of your own.

And last but not least, stop involving your parents in your problems. You're a big girl now. If you don't tell all, they'll have fewer negative feelings about your husband.

DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old daughter was married last year. We gave her a formal church wedding. Of the 100 guests invited, several were longtime co-workers, who took the time to purchase lovely gifts and travel two hours to the wedding. Some also gave cash gifts.

My daughter still hasn't sent out thank-you cards. I see my co-workers week after week, and I'm humiliated. I have mentioned it to my daughter several times, but she says it's too late to send them now. Abby, we raised her better than this. Every time I say anything about it, she gives me an argument.

Please help. This eats away at me every day. Should I take the reins and send a short letter of apology to these dear co-workers?-- TORN UP IN TEXAS

DEAR TORN UP: A note of apology from you would ease the embarrassment you feel facing your co-workers, but it won't put your daughter in a better light.

All you can do is remind her that a woman old enough to marry should be mature enough to write thank-you notes. And no law says her husband can't pitch in and help. They are equally responsible, and failure to acknowledge any gift reflects poorly on them both.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Jun 20, 2014
1 Vinny, Nicky and the band need to get their own rehersal studio, nobody wants to listen to that stuff, I know, I grew up with it.

2 Your daughter got married too young, and her failure to send thank you cards is just another manifestation of that fact.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#3 Jun 20, 2014
LW 1 - Start flirting with Nicky.

He'll be gone in a heartbeat!

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#4 Jun 20, 2014
L1. I have a friend whose son is named Vincent. She disallows the use of the nickname "Vinny" for him because she feels that names that end in 'y' are an indictor of people who never grew up.
It might just be an Italian thing,.... I don't know.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#5 Jun 20, 2014
1: Your hubby sticking his peen in another woman did not make your marriage stronger. Stop lying to yourself. It didn't work, he came crawling back, and now he's having an affair with music.
Boundaries, woman. Get them.

2: I hate being invited to co-worker's kids' events. Unless they knew her directly, it's tacky--like your daughter.
But apparently etiquette says they have a year, which I think is bunk.
It doesn't take 12 months to write cards.
I made sure all thank you cards for my bro's funeral were sent within the month. If I can do that, they can write wedding ones quicker.
I'm still waiting on a friend's TY from an Apriil wedding. You say a few a night can't be done? We don't need a dissertation inside...please.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#6 Jun 20, 2014
VAdame wrote:
LW 1 - Start flirting with Nicky.
He'll be gone in a heartbeat!
Great idea

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Jun 20, 2014
L1: Abby's right -- quit talking to your parents about Vinny. You can either put your foot down or join the band.

I do really like VAdame's answer to the problem.

L2: It's her responsibility. If you can't let it go, take those coworkers to lunch and chat how embarrassed you are but that you know she was grateful or some such thing.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#8 Jun 20, 2014
Barry
Larry
Harry
Tiffany
Sally
Holly

I am not seeing it at all.
loose cannon wrote:
L1. I have a friend whose son is named Vincent. She disallows the use of the nickname "Vinny" for him because she feels that names that end in 'y' are an indictor of people who never grew up.
It might just be an Italian thing,.... I don't know.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Jun 20, 2014
LW1: If you think getting Nicky out of your home is going to improve your marriage, you are dreaming. He is just a scapegoat at the moment. He leaves and your cheating husband will still be a cheating husband.

VAdame has a good idea, or you could go the other route and go Yoko Ono on them. Hang out all the time, make suggestions about the music, make strong hints about singing a song or two. They will either break up or find a new rehearsal space.

Oh, and Abby, just because they get booked "every Friday and Saturday night" (which is a complete exaggeration on the LW's part, btw) does not mean they are talented. They probably go on first when no one is in the bar and spend the rest of the night hanging out, drinking and flirting. And I wouldn't be one bit surprised to find out that he's been doing more than just flirting with some of these women.

LW2: So don't care.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#10 Jun 20, 2014
RACE wrote:
Barry
Larry
Harry
Tiffany
Sally
Holly
I am not seeing it at all.
<quoted text>
Think he means more along the lines like Tommy, Billy, Jimmy... etc

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 Jun 20, 2014
RACE wrote:
Barry
Larry
Harry
Tiffany
Sally
Holly
I am not seeing it at all.
<quoted text>
Barack

Lawrence

Henry

Louis Comfort

Sarah

I got nothing
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#12 Jun 20, 2014
Teams Squishy and VA Dame for the win! And LW1 may or may not be real.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#13 Jun 20, 2014
LW1: If they are gigging every Friday AND Saturday, they are playing more than most musicians I know, but whatever. Maybe they were fortunate enough to land a regular gig or maybe you live in a music town like Austin. Anyway, you two definitely need to compromise. Ask him to limit band practices to once per week and you get a date night, just the two of you, once per week. Go out and see the band either Friday or Saturday to support your husband's passion for music. Can you sing? If so, work on some backup vocals for a song or two and sit in with them. In terms of Nicky, if your husband will not speak up, sit him down and tell him that he needs to start looking for his own place.

LW2: The thank-you note topic comes up frequently, but the answer never changes. For wedding gifts, thank-you notes should be written and mailed ASAP after the honeymoon.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#14 Jun 20, 2014
1. Your marriage is doomed...all hope is lost... Bail!

2. You're overreacting a bit, don't you think? A verbal apology to the coworkers is far more appropriate.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#16 Jun 21, 2014
Shame on LW1 for giving the Empire State a bad name.

And shame on LW2 for giving the Lone Star state a bad name.

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