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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jun 4, 2014
DEAR AMY: Our daughter and her partner are expecting a baby this summer. My husband and I are thrilled, but I'm struggling with an issue.

Our daughter's partner, "Candace," is carrying the baby. We knew that having children would be other than "traditional" for them, and we accept that.

We feel tremendously fortunate that our daughter is happy and that we like her partner very much.

However, not only is Candace carrying the baby, but they are planning to give the baby Candace's last name. I was hoping they might give the child our last name to give us some connection to our grandchild. Now I'm feeling very left out, and I'm struggling with these feelings, even though I know I need to be more mature about it.

I briefly expressed my dismay to my daughter, but in the end it is their decision, and I don't want to meddle.

How can I resolve these feelings of sadness? I so want to cherish this new little one without resentment.-- Feeling Sad

DEAR SAD: Regardless of the child's name, you do have a connection to your daughter's baby -- the baby will be your grandchild. That's a solid gold connection.

If your daughter was in a very traditional heterosexual marriage, the child would bear the husband's last name. I understand that because your daughter isn't the pregnant partner, you may have no DNA connection to the child, but the fact is that this child will be hers and by extension also yours.

Families are made up of a tremendous variety of connections. An adopted child wouldn't share your DNA (or perhaps your name) but that child would be a "real" member of your family -- and you would love that child, just as you will love this child. Relax; it will happen.

DEAR AMY: My wife has a twin brother. She also has a sister who is four years older. Remarkably, the older sister shares the same birthday as the twins.

The twins are turning 50 this year. I want to throw a party, but here is the difficulty: This is a landmark birthday for my wife (and her twin), but not necessarily for their sister.

I think my wife deserves to be the focus of attention on her 50th, yet it is important that her family be there.

How should I handle the awkward aspect of focusing the party on her when her siblings are there and share the birthday? Is it mandatory that it be a joint party?-- Happy Husband

DEAR HUSBAND: You should feel comfortable hosting the party in your wife's honor. Invite her siblings and make sure to highlight this remarkable occurrence when you welcome your guests and toast your wife. Ask the siblings to stand and acknowledge and toast them.

Some family members or other guests might bring gifts for all three -- and you should do nothing to suppress this and do everything possible to make all of your guests feel warmly welcome and included.

Your wife has been at least partially sharing this day for her entire life; presumably she is used to it.

DEAR AMY: Your reply to "Happy Father," in which you questioned his definition of "sexually pure," was condescending. It was the written equivalent of an eye roll.

It made you seem less than sincere. Even the high school and college age kids who work for me know exactly what "sexually pure" means, though some of them also roll their eyes at the term.

What I find remarkable, though, is how many of these kids intend to remain sexually pure until marriage, given the constant barrage from all quarters as to how such a thing is neither desirable nor possible.

It's heartening to see them behaving in a way that is both countercultural and emotionally healthy. You should grant the term "sexually pure" a little more respect. A lot more, actually.-- Bradley

DEAR BRADLEY: I always applaud people making healthy choices. In terms of granting the terminology "sexually pure" more respect? No, I don't think I will. I would consider throwing some respect its way if this term were equally applied to boys (as well as girls), but it never is.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Detroit, MI

#2 Jun 4, 2014
1- Amy hit on something here. Had this child been conceived the traditional way, lw would feel more connected to it because it would biologically be her grandchild. The fact that it's not biologically hers, she wants to compensate by having the baby share her last name. My only advice to the lw is, get over it

2- don't be such a prick, have the celebration for all of them

3- oh please, parents should encourage their kids to have sex as young as possible, just be safe

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jun 4, 2014
1 Personally, I would have went for an inclusion of both names (middle/last), but hey, whadda I know.
That said, I think you will pee yourself like a puppy when you first get to hold it.

2 Are you sure your wife even wants everyone to know she's turning 50?

3 Zing! Amy bashing the man...

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#4 Jun 4, 2014
RACE wrote:
3 Zing! Amy bashing the man...
Nope, she's bashing the double standard.
Not men.
You really shouldn't take such things personally.
The stupid one however, should. Amy must know him and use him as the basis for her opinions on men.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#5 Jun 4, 2014
But we dont know that it's not. This LW said kids, not girls. Maybe there are tons of sexually pure young men, but their fathers are too embarrassed to crow about it, or maybe they just dont see the need to.

Saying you son is sexually pure, is the same as saying your son is a Gentleman.
Saying you daughter is sexually pure is the same as saying your daughter is a Lady.

There is no need to limelight the words "Sexually Pure", It is implied.
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>Nope, she's bashing the double standard.
Not men.
You really shouldn't take such things personally.
The stupid one however, should. Amy must know him and use him as the basis for her opinions on men.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 Jun 4, 2014
L1: I find it strange this woman is putting so much emphasis on a name. It's not even born yet. Why not use that energy towards helping them get ready for the baby and then you will feel a part of things. A name is just a name.

L2: Amy's right. Just have the party. People naturally make a bigger deal of the 30, 40 and 50 (etc.) birthdays.

L3: I have to agree with Moon and with Amy. If I said: "Riley wants to be sexually pure for marriage" would you believe I was talking about a girl or a boy?
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#7 Jun 4, 2014
1 & 2: I don't really care.

3: Finally. In print. Someone has blasted the double standard. I don't completely bash the concept of sexually pure because it might mean less sexually transmitted disease. But that's only if we're talking about men and women equally and I've never known that to be the case. I recall listening to a sermon once and was appalled that the speaker was only including the female half in regard to being a virgin until marriage. He used an illustration of a guy using a dirty towel to wipe his face as an example of what it would be like to have sex with a wife who wasn't a virgin on her wedding night. It made me sick. No mention of a similar kind for the woman whose husband wasn't a virgin on their wedding night. THAT'S what he should have said. People have been spouting on and on for centuries about how a woman needs to keep her virginity for her husband. A woman who hadn't was considered - well you know what she was called and I prefer not to use those words. But it was ok for a man. I am not and never have been in favor of people having multiple partners or jumping into the sack as a normal part of dating no matter how long you've known the person or whether the relationship actually looks like it could be serious. Ok, I'll stop. Most of you already know my views anyway regarding casual sex. I just get so angry when I see or hear evidence of that awful double standard.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Jun 4, 2014
RACE wrote:
But we dont know that it's not. This LW said kids, not girls. Maybe there are tons of sexually pure young men, but their fathers are too embarrassed to crow about it, or maybe they just dont see the need to.
Saying you son is sexually pure, is the same as saying your son is a Gentleman.
Saying you daughter is sexually pure is the same as saying your daughter is a Lady.
There is no need to limelight the words "Sexually Pure", It is implied.
<quoted text>
Silliest thing i've ever heard.'Sexually pure' is a pretentious way to say virgin. Nothing about lady or gentleman implies virgin. And it sounds stupid.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#9 Jun 4, 2014
To me, calling some one a fine young Gentlemen, or fine young Lady, does imply they are virgins, since a gentleman would not try to take advantage of a lady, and a lady would not allow herself to be taken advantage of.

Were you raised by wolves?
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Silliest thing i've ever heard.'Sexually pure' is a pretentious way to say virgin. Nothing about lady or gentleman implies virgin. And it sounds stupid.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Jun 4, 2014
RACE wrote:
To me, calling some one a fine young Gentlemen, or fine young Lady, does imply they are virgins, since a gentleman would not try to take advantage of a lady, and a lady would not allow herself to be taken advantage of.
Were you raised by wolves?
<quoted text>
So no rape victims are ladies?

Also, just b/c someone has sex doesn't mean they took advantage of someone or that they were taken advantage of.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Jun 4, 2014
RACE wrote:
To me, calling some one a fine young Gentlemen, or fine young Lady, does imply they are virgins, since a gentleman would not try to take advantage of a lady, and a lady would not allow herself to be taken advantage of.
Were you raised by wolves?
<quoted text>
So by your defintion, when sex happens, it means someone is getting taken advantage of?

Ladies snd gentlemen suggest manners. Being thoughtful of others. Courteous. None of which run contrary to being sexually active.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#12 Jun 4, 2014
Toj wrote:
Also, just b/c someone has sex doesn't mean they took advantage of someone .
Maybe that's just how Race rolls.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#13 Jun 4, 2014
Every rule has its exceptions. I was speaking in much broader terms.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
So no rape victims are ladies?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#14 Jun 4, 2014
No, thats not what I am saying at all. If sex happens by mutual consent then neither is being taken advantage of.

But if somone wants to refrain from sex, then the other person is a gentleman/lady when they respect that.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>So by your defintion, when sex happens, it means someone is getting taken advantage of?
Ladies snd gentlemen suggest manners. Being thoughtful of others. Courteous. None of which run contrary to being sexually active.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Jun 4, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Maybe that's just how Race rolls.
I wonder if this means he takes of advantage of people so he can have sex. On the flipside, if he never takes advantage of anyone then I guess he'd be celibate.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#16 Jun 4, 2014
Hey! It's not "taking advantage of" If their conscious.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I wonder if this means he takes of advantage of people so he can have sex. On the flipside, if he never takes advantage of anyone then I guess he'd be celibate.

Since: Mar 09

Hollywood, FL

#17 Jun 4, 2014
Who are these people crowing about their kids' sexual purity? How is it anyone's business?

Raise your kids right and their demeanor will speak for itself.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#18 Jun 4, 2014
RACE wrote:
To me, calling some one a fine young Gentlemen, or fine young Lady, does imply they are virgins, since a gentleman would not try to take advantage of a lady, and a lady would not allow herself to be taken advantage of.
Were you raised by wolves?
<quoted text>
Nah, even in my parents; and grandparents' days it didn't mean that. Ladies and Gentlemen were adults, not necessarily virgins. It applied to married as well as single adults.
What was implied was that they weren't criminals and had some manners and respect for others.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#19 Jun 4, 2014
RACE wrote:
To me, calling some one a fine young Gentlemen, or fine young Lady, does imply they are virgins, since a gentleman would not try to take advantage of a lady, and a lady would not allow herself to be taken advantage of.
Were you raised by wolves?
<quoted text>
But Gentlemen have been known , historically, to keep company with women of easy virtue

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Jun 4, 2014
RACE wrote:
But if somone wants to refrain from sex, then the other person is a gentleman/lady when they respect that.
<quoted text>
Yes. It is gentlemanly to not engage in rape. Rape is the antithesis of being gentlemanly.
RACE wrote:
No, thats not what I am saying at all. If sex happens by mutual consent then neither is being taken advantage of.
And participants in such a scenario are not disqualified from being defined as lady or gentleman because they chose to have sex. ie: Virgin status is not a factor in being described as a lady or gentleman

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