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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Apr 15, 2013
DEAR ABBY: My daughter died in a car accident two years ago. She and her boyfriend, "Reed," had a 4-month-old daughter, "Angela." Since then, Reed has been very understanding and liberal with visitations. However, it didn't take him long to find another girlfriend, who has a 4-year-old daughter I'll call Madison.

The first time I went to pick up Angela, the new girlfriend hinted strongly that I should also take Madison. I didn't like it, but I took her. Abby, Madison is the meanest, rudest child I have ever met. She called my dad ugly, my daughter ugly and my house "stinky." I saw her push Angela down and laugh. Then she tried to smother my granddaughter by sitting on her head on the couch. The last time I brought Angela home, Madison told me that everything I bought for Angela I had to buy for her, too.

I don't want to take Madison anymore. It has been difficult losing my daughter, seeing her replaced with a new girlfriend and now being expected to include an unpleasant "step-granddaughter" in everything. But if I don't take her, I'm afraid they won't let me visit Angela. Do you have any advice?-- ANGIE'S GRAM IN MISSOURI

DEAR GRAM: If you haven't already spoken to Reed and the girl's mother about her behavior, you should. Madison may act out because she's jealous of Angela and, among other things, she needs to learn better manners before she's included in any more visits. If she had pulled the shenanigans with me that she has with you, I would have taken her home immediately.

This is not to say that Madison should be permanently excluded, but you should have time with your granddaughter one-on-one. The same is true for Madison and her grandparents. You are not a built-in baby sitter, which appears to be how you have been made to feel, but nothing will change until you broach the subject.

DEAR ABBY: I feel fortunate to find myself with the love of my life at 24. "Josh" is charming, intelligent, a hard worker and a wonderful partner. I know we can achieve all the things we hope for. We have discussed where we stand on issues such as children, family, finances, living arrangements, etc. We are mostly compatible, and where there is tension, we work it through and compromise.

We are clearly headed toward engagement. He has picked out a ring and I want it badly, but I am hesitant. I am afraid I won't give him what he deserves.

I dated a man in college for three years. We talked about our future, made plans, and then I changed my mind. The pain I caused was terrible. I still regret hurting him, although I don't regret leaving. I'm afraid I will do it again. I'm so anxious I sometimes think I should bail now and cut his losses just in case. I don't think I will, but who can see the future?

My mother says I have always been obsessed with making the right choice. Am I being foolish and letting my anxieties run away with me?-- SUSAN IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR SUSAN: There are better ways to cope with your anxiety than "throwing the baby out with the bathwater." You are not the same person you were in college. You have grown and are obviously more aware of the consequences of your actions.

Because you are anxious about making a commitment to "the love or your life" -- someone with whom you have many things in common -- it's time to schedule an appointment with a licensed counselor to discuss it. It will be time and money well spent.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Apr 15, 2013
1 Tell reed to wake up and smell the coffee. He needs to look after his own kid and not let that brat hurt her.

Next you need to realize that the kid is acting out and needs discipline and love, the two things she is not getting from her mom. Dont worry about the gifts tell the mom to pissoff.

2 My god woman, this much angst just to get engaged? You are going to be a total bridezilla.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#3 Apr 15, 2013
L1: "It didn't take him long to find" a girlfriend... and apparently it didn't take him long for him and his girlfriend to intertwine their kids. Way too soon. I have a tiny bit of sympathy for Reed because he's dealing with a death, but he still needs to pull it together and make choices that are best for Angela.

L2: You're practically supposed to change your mind about your future when you're in college. Sucks that your then-boyfriend was hurt, but it's not abnormal. Relax, keep dating Josh, and wait until you feel more comfortable with commitment.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#4 Apr 15, 2013
1- Sounds like Reed it's a failure as a parent. He found a new girlfriend so quickly because he couldn't handle raising his kid on his own. Way to honor your daughter's memory. I think Abby's advice is okay.

2- Yikes woman, you need meds to deal with your anxiety. You have no business marrying anyone until you get your head on straight.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#5 Apr 15, 2013
Two years is too quick? What is the magic #?
edogxxx wrote:
1- Sounds like Reed it's a failure as a parent. He found a new girlfriend so quickly because he couldn't handle raising his kid on his own. Way to honor your daughter's memory. I think Abby's advice is okay.
2- Yikes woman, you need meds to deal with your anxiety. You have no business marrying anyone until you get your head on straight.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#6 Apr 15, 2013
RACE wrote:
Two years is too quick? What is the magic #?
<quoted text>
I presume you are intentionally asking a loaded question, there is no one size fits all answer to a "magic" number. But work on your reading comprehension, the girlfriend DIED two years ago. We don't now how long he's been with his new girlfriend, but I'll assume it's probably been longer than just last week.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Apr 15, 2013
LW1: There is nothing wrong with only taking your grandchild, but talk to the father because the other girl is jealous and will take it out on his child. He needs to stay on top of this and defend his child.

LW2: Counselor and xanax.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#9 Apr 15, 2013
Oh, so you wont say what is a proper length, but you are certain that this guy did not wait long enough. Any evidence to support that position?
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I presume you are intentionally asking a loaded question, there is no one size fits all answer to a "magic" number. But work on your reading comprehension, the girlfriend DIED two years ago. We don't now how long he's been with his new girlfriend, but I'll assume it's probably been longer than just last week.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#10 Apr 15, 2013
RACE wrote:
Oh, so you wont say what is a proper length, but you are certain that this guy did not wait long enough. Any evidence to support that position?
<quoted text>
I already told you. You are simply looking for an argument and I will not engage.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#11 Apr 15, 2013
It's called a discussion, If you dont want to discuss the letter then dont, but dont pout when I ask you to explain or support your position. You said the guy did not wait long enough before getting into another relationship, I did not read that from the letter, so I am asking how you did.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I already told you. You are simply looking for an argument and I will not engage.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#12 Apr 15, 2013
RACE wrote:
It's called a discussion, If you dont want to discuss the letter then dont, but dont pout when I ask you to explain or support your position. You said the guy did not wait long enough before getting into another relationship, I did not read that from the letter, so I am asking how you did.
<quoted text>
This isn't someone who died after a long illness. They died suddenly in a car wreck. Within two years he's dating, and living with, someone else. That's fast for someone who has a young baby to care for, even if there wasn't a death involved. And obviously his new girlfriend's kid has behavioral issues and is causing problems with the dude's kid. If all of that isn't enough to tell you that this guy is moving too fast, then I don't know what I could say that will convince you.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#13 Apr 15, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
This isn't someone who died after a long illness. They died suddenly in a car wreck. Within two years he's dating, and living with, someone else. That's fast for someone who has a young baby to care for, even if there wasn't a death involved. And obviously his new girlfriend's kid has behavioral issues and is causing problems with the dude's kid. If all of that isn't enough to tell you that this guy is moving too fast, then I don't know what I could say that will convince you.
Actually, it is slow for a young single dad who probably never figured he would be solely responsible for infant care. The GF is probaby getting a short end of the stick in a sense as well.

The baby sounds like Cinderella in her early years with teh wicked stepsisters etc.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#14 Apr 15, 2013
I agree. At the very least he is making poor choices.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
This isn't someone who died after a long illness. They died suddenly in a car wreck. Within two years he's dating, and living with, someone else. That's fast for someone who has a young baby to care for, even if there wasn't a death involved. And obviously his new girlfriend's kid has behavioral issues and is causing problems with the dude's kid. If all of that isn't enough to tell you that this guy is moving too fast, then I don't know what I could say that will convince you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#15 Apr 15, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Actually, it is slow for a young single dad who probably never figured he would be solely responsible for infant care. The GF is probaby getting a short end of the stick in a sense as well.
That's the point. He's not looking out for what's in the best interest of his child, he's looking for someone to change the kid's diaper. And even saying he's moving slow is speculation. He could have started dating this girl a week after the funeral for all we know.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#16 Apr 15, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
That's the point. He's not looking out for what's in the best interest of his child, he's looking for someone to change the kid's diaper. And even saying he's moving slow is speculation. He could have started dating this girl a week after the funeral for all we know.
It sounds callous but apparently he didn't care about LW's daughter enough to marry her, so we can't really tell if her death affected him that much...other than to put him in urgent need of a diaper-changer.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#17 Apr 15, 2013
Oooorrrrrrr....
The guy could have been really in love with her and begged her to marry him, but she was trampy and did not want to be tied down to one guy. Hell, she could have died leaving some other dues house or a bar.

Takes two to get hitched yanno.

PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>It sounds callous but apparently he didn't care about LW's daughter enough to marry her, so we can't really tell if her death affected him that much...other than to put him in urgent need of a diaper-changer.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#18 Apr 15, 2013
RACE wrote:
Oooorrrrrrr....
The guy could have been really in love with her and begged her to marry him, but she was trampy and did not want to be tied down to one guy. Hell, she could have died leaving some other dues house or a bar.
Takes two to get hitched yanno.
<quoted text>
In which case the woman who raised the purported tramp shoudln't get much time with the grand kid.

We have gotten off topic a bit I think
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#19 Apr 15, 2013
LW1: This is a classic case of sibling rivalry although Madison and Angela are not true siblings. LW should avoid judging her granddaughter's father and approach the situation from a "how can I help?" perspective. Madison's life has been altered as much as anyone else's and she is taking her frustrations out on Angela. LW should show Madison as much love and support as possible. The kids don't need gifts. They need attention, unconditional love, and guidance. Take them to the park. Play games with them. If you can find an older playmate for Madison, that may help her to socialize.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#20 Apr 15, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>It sounds callous but apparently he didn't care about LW's daughter enough to marry her, so we can't really tell if her death affected him that much...other than to put him in urgent need of a diaper-changer.
Maybe they had a date set in a couple of months? But then she died.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#21 Apr 15, 2013
Oh, sure! Punish the parent for the sins of the child.
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
In which case the woman who raised the purported tramp shoudln't get much time with the grand kid.
We have gotten off topic a bit I think

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