“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jul 11, 2014
DEAR AMY: I have never had reason to be concerned about my husband's fidelity, but a single event has got me worried, and I need your advice. Last week I sat next to him, grabbed his cellphone and punched in the password (I know the password because I have seen him enter it and it's quite simple). He looked over, saw what I was doing, and literally batted the phone out of my hand. He then proceeded to admonish me for "snooping."

When I questioned his reaction, he was adamant that he was merely protecting his privacy and that he was not hiding anything. I can't help but feel suspicious because of this uncharacteristic behavior. Am I just being a worrywart?-- Worried Wife

DEAR WORRIED: Based on the evidence you present to justify your behavior (none), I think your husband has more reason to question your fidelity (i.e., trustworthiness) than you have to question his.

After all, if you witnessed him grabbing your cellphone and punching in the security code, wouldn't you question his motives and actions? Wouldn't you feel he was behaving in an untrustworthy manner?

My point is that you have created the justification for snooping (your husband's "uncharacteristic" reaction)-- by snooping!

Going through someone else's cellphone is like opening someone else's mail. Whether it is junk mail, a bill or a letter from mom -- if the envelope has someone else's name on it, you shouldn't open it.

Even people who have nothing to hide have a right to privacy.

So -- what is your real justification for doing this? You're going to have to come clean with your husband and simply ask him to reveal to you what you want to know. You have every right to expect him to be transparent, but you're going to have to deal with this like grown-ups.

DEAR AMY: I've been married for several years. I am very Type A, but I try to keep my aggression under wraps. My husband is also Type A and has no problem speaking his mind.

I prefer to avoid conflict, and it seems he is always looking for a good fight. He has his opinions and viewpoints, as we all do. However, if someone doesn't see his point of view, he flies off the handle. I try to remind him that the world would be an extremely boring place if everyone thought exactly the same way.

Anyway, to avoid arguments or getting yelled at and then getting the silent treatment, I sometimes just nod my head in agreement to whatever he says. Then he gets mad because he says I just agree with him in order to avoid a fight, which is true.

I am not confrontational, and I would prefer to not argue with him. This is obviously a no-win situation.

What should I do?-- Tired

DEAR TIRED: In a healthy and functioning relationship, there should not be winners and losers. The way you describe this, the dynamic between you is a trap for both of you. He wants to be engaged, believed and persuasive. You see spirited arguments as "fighting" -- and you might be right.

You can change this dynamic, but you'll need mutual commitment and (preferably) professional help to do so. A therapist can mediate and also teach you two different ways to behave. Aggression and avoidance are not a healthy combination.

DEAR AMY: "Mike" was a dad worrying himself into his daughter's trap, when she wouldn't move out of the home. I went through a similar situation with my daughter and it turned out to be much more complicated than you might think.

When the deadline for her to move out arrived, she refused to leave, so I had to go through the eviction process because my home was her established residence.

I contacted the local police department and was told that if I tried to forcibly make her leave she could have me arrested. After I had her served with the eviction notice, she stalled until the last day and finally moved out.-- Wes

DEAR WES: I would really like to learn how this turned out -- for both of you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Jul 11, 2014
1- so you just walked up, grabbed his phone, punched in his password, and because he got upset, you assume he must be cheating on you? I hope this is fake because I don't want to believe you're this stupid

2- surprised you two got married, usually two type A's don't normally go together. This is not a healthy dynamic, seek counseling

3- never had a problem with throwing people out of my house on a whim. People need to find their balls

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Jul 11, 2014
Lw1: to me, it all depends on what she was doing. Did she need to make a call or look something up on the web and his phone was nearby while hers was in the other room? My wife and I don't see our phones as some super secret priavate domain from each other. We both use whichever phone is more convenient to get our hands on. Sometimes I even answer her phone if it rings and she's upstairs(only if i know who's calling, like her mom....cause she'll just call me next if no answer on wife's phone).

The way lw tells the story, hubby snatched phine from her before even asking what she was doing. In the framework of MY marriage, that would be extremely suspicious.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#4 Jul 11, 2014
LW1 and 2 - Both LWs need marriage counseling. I can't imagine why in the world LW1 *grabbed* her husband's phone and started to check it out. She sounds like she'd been lying in wait and pounced on it. You don't do it if you "have never had reason to be concerned about [you] husband's fidelity." LW2's hubby survives on being contrary and on conflict. I see a divorce in their future, unless LW herself thrives on those fights and arguments, even if she says she doesn't. This must be an exhausting marriage either way.

LW3 - Yep, that's what I've said before about those situations. "Give [the moocher] a deadline to move out and help them look for apartments" is toothless advice. Kicking somebody out of your house is not easy if they've lived there (not just stayed over or visited) for a while and they refuse to leave.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Jul 11, 2014
If you need to be formally evicted from your parents house and wait until the last day to do so, that is a sign of mental illness not just laziness..Unless of course LW's wife was wringing her hands in the background and enabling her 34 year old baby

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Jul 11, 2014
L1: Get counselling. I think the LW already suspected him and is looking for way to confirm it in her mind. Whether or not he is cheating doesn't have to do with the phone thing. Time to actually talk to each other.

L2: Aggression is not assertive. A healthy Type A is assertive. Aggression is a whole 'nuther ballgame.

L3: Yes, sometimes the laws we have to protect people are used in a way that wasn't intended. It is what it is, though.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#8 Jul 11, 2014
Cass wrote:
LW1 and 2 - Both LWs need marriage counseling. I can't imagine why in the world LW1 *grabbed* her husband's phone and started to check it out. She sounds like she'd been lying in wait and pounced on it. You don't do it if you "have never had reason to be concerned about [you] husband's fidelity." LW2's hubby survives on being contrary and on conflict. I see a divorce in their future, unless LW herself thrives on those fights and arguments, even if she says she doesn't. This must be an exhausting marriage either way.
LW3 - Yep, that's what I've said before about those situations. "Give [the moocher] a deadline to move out and help them look for apartments" is toothless advice. Kicking somebody out of your house is not easy if they've lived there (not just stayed over or visited) for a while and they refuse to leave.
This answer wins! If she really was as innocent as she claims, why didn't she say to him,
"I'd like to call our daughter (or whomever)" and then borrow his phone?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#9 Jul 11, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw1: to me, it all depends on what she was doing. Did she need to make a call or look something up on the web and his phone was nearby while hers was in the other room? My wife and I don't see our phones as some super secret priavate domain from each other. We both use whichever phone is more convenient to get our hands on. Sometimes I even answer her phone if it rings and she's upstairs(only if i know who's calling, like her mom....cause she'll just call me next if no answer on wife's phone).
The way lw tells the story, hubby snatched phine from her before even asking what she was doing. In the framework of MY marriage, that would be extremely suspicious.
Doesn't sound like they have that dynamic, she makes no mention of using his phone in the past, and she wasn't "given" the password, she got it in a shady manner. I'm taking the man's side
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#10 Jul 11, 2014
LW1: LW was wrong to grab her husband's cell phone and punch in the security code. LW's husband overreacted. We have no idea why, but it would be ridiculous to jump to the conclusion that he is having an affair, particularly in light of LW's own statement that she's never had a reason to be concerned. However, LW's husband's overreaction has now piqued LW's curiosity and now she's also overreacting. I think LW should put the incident out of her mind and schedule a marriage retreat. These 2 need to work on their marriage and reestablish trust.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Jul 11, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Doesn't sound like they have that dynamic, she makes no mention of using his phone in the past, and she wasn't "given" the password, she got it in a shady manner. I'm taking the man's side
Even so, his response seems like a huge over-reaction. To me, you use your words first. Why arw you going thru my phone. How do you know my password? That he felt the need to grab it from her tells me he wanted to get it before she was able to see something he was hiding. If she was smart, she would have checked it while he was in the shower.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#12 Jul 11, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Even so, his response seems like a huge over-reaction. To me, you use your words first. Why arw you going thru my phone. How do you know my password? That he felt the need to grab it from her tells me he wanted to get it before she was able to see something he was hiding. If she was smart, she would have checked it while he was in the shower.
Maybe it was reactionary. I don't know about you, but if someone walks up to me and yanks something off my person, my first instinct would probably be to snatch it right back

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Jul 11, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Maybe it was reactionary. I don't know about you, but if someone walks up to me and yanks something off my person, my first instinct would probably be to snatch it right back
Or throw a chair. ;)

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Jul 11, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Maybe it was reactionary. I don't know about you, but if someone walks up to me and yanks something off my person, my first instinct would probably be to snatch it right back
She did not say she yanked it off his person. She sat next to him. Could be at the kitchen table. Could be sitting on the couch with the phone on the coffee table.

And you charchterize it as "someone walks up to me". When that someone is your wife, you react a little differently. Again, you question wtf she is doing. To me, you snatch and hide.when you got something to hide,
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#15 Jul 12, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>She did not say she yanked it off his person. She sat next to him. Could be at the kitchen table. Could be sitting on the couch with the phone on the coffee table.
And you charchterize it as "someone walks up to me". When that someone is your wife, you react a little differently. Again, you question wtf she is doing. To me, you snatch and hide.when you got something to hide,
I know that this is a discussion between you and Dog, but I'll throw in my two cents. I have nothing to hide from my husband, and he has the password to my private (non-work) e-mail and to my home computer, but if I saw him going through my e-mail without my permission, I'd ask WTF? and I'd expect a reasonable explanation. It feels like violation of trust and privacy when somebody else - even a person you love - goes into your stuff without asking you first.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#16 Jul 12, 2014
Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
I know that this is a discussion between you and Dog, but I'll throw in my two cents. I have nothing to hide from my husband, and he has the password to my private (non-work) e-mail and to my home computer, but if I saw him going through my e-mail without my permission, I'd ask WTF? and I'd expect a reasonable explanation. It feels like violation of trust and privacy when somebody else - even a person you love - goes into your stuff without asking you first.
There's no private discussions here. I agree with everything you said. You said you'd ask wtf was up. You have nothing to hide so the immediate issue is addressing your spouse's behavior, not preventing your spouse from seeing what's on your phone. ie: words take precedent over snatching. Additionally, from lw's description, sounds like the phone was grabbed from her before she could even be look at anything or it could be established what she was going to look at.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#17 Jul 12, 2014
Glance into LW1's future with this man:
(a) She had been questioning his loyalty many times prior to this
incident and told the story in a light that minimizes her part.
(b) He got so frustrated with her he decided to plant a "red herring"
on the phone to see if she would go after it--and she did.
(c) Trust is dead between the two of them and has been for some time.
or
(d) other

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