Comments
1 - 20 of 38 Comments Last updated Mar 1, 2013
First Prev
of 2
Next Last

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#1
Feb 28, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I was suddenly widowed five years ago. I waited about two years and then started to date. I have recently fallen in love with a great guy, and we are very happy. The problem is that my 18-year-old son is having a hard time accepting this situation. I have always been careful to not have the guy stay over or even spend a lot of time at our house.

I know it is difficult for my son to accept the fact that I am dating and happy again. How do I get him used to the idea and help him accept the fact that this guy is really nice and makes me very happy?-- Cautious Mom

DEAR MOM: This is tricky. Your son is at a transitional age. He sees his own adulthood looming. This prospect doesn't always fill a person with excitement. It can be a time of extreme anxiety about the future and wistfulness for the end of childhood.

Layer on top of that the loss he suffered in adolescence, which is significant and life altering. I can't imagine anything tougher for a boy.

And then there is this: We parents need to realize that our own personal happiness is not always paramount to our children. This is one of the toughest personal lessons of parenthood. Our children love and care about us -- but when we are in love or get a promotion or win at the track, their joy is often tempered through the familiar (and completely natural) filter of childhood, where they think, "Well, what about me?"

You need to deal with this by realizing that your son will probably always care more about his personal life than yours. Continue to be thoughtful and careful. Don't push this man at your son and don't insist that your son be happy because you're happy -- or even be happy for you.

Talk to the young man about his own life. Draw him out about his own dreams. Fold your new guy slowly and naturally into your life and assure your son at every step of the way that he is not losing you and that he will be fine. Talk to him about his dad and -- most importantly -- listen to him with an open, patient and loving attitude.

DEAR AMY: We took care of our parents (and other family members) for years. The out-of-pocket expense for gas, food and the rest of the favors and caretaking was considerable.

When it was time for the inheritance, the whole family was treated equally. Some of the siblings would not even talk to our parents, let alone offer any help.

There was not much money. By the time it was split six ways, the amount we received did not even pay for our expenses.

How should an inheritance be treated?-- The Workers

DEAR WORKERS: An inheritance should be treated as the private preference of the person writing the will. How parents should be treated is another matter.

Surely your love, kindness and caring for your parents provided its own (nonmaterial) compensation to you. Shouldn't this boil down to much more than the bottom line?

DEAR AMY: "Fretting in Oak Park" was bothered by her neighbor's idling minivan each morning. There are state laws making it illegal to leave an unattended vehicle running.

The best solution is to let the police know of the problem, and let them handle the situation.

If the pollution and wasted gas wasn't enough of a problem, think how much worse it would be for the neighbor if someone stole the van while it sat in her driveway. Fretting would actually be doing her a favor by getting this practice stopped.-- Jim

DEAR JIM: Many readers wrote in to let me know that leaving an unattended vehicle running is prohibited in many places. One reader relayed a harrowing tale of an organized car theft ring systematically stealing idling vehicles (warming up on a cold day) on one street.

I'm not sure if going to the police is the best response to a neighbor who (like me) may not be aware of this prohibition. It seems that a friendly "heads-up" would be the place to start.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#2
Feb 28, 2013
 
1- Jr can get over it.

2- So you did it for the money and your plan backfired.

3- Yes, in America it's a crime to warm up your car.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#3
Feb 28, 2013
 

Judged:

1

1

1 He's 18, so hopefully he'll be out of the house soon.

2 Get over it. Your parents were under no obligation to give you more.

3 Warmup rehash.....

Since: Jul 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#4
Feb 28, 2013
 

Judged:

1

1

The inheritance didn't even cover your expenses? Oh, that is tragic. I'm sure that whatever errand running you did more than compensated your parents for raising you.
Because, really, family is all about the bottom line.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5
Feb 28, 2013
 

Judged:

1

1

L2: "Surely your love, kindness and caring for your parents provided its own (nonmaterial) compensation to you." Screw you, Amy. What if the LW didn't have wiggle room in her budget and had to struggle herself to help out her parents? If I were her sibling, I'd have made sure that expenses were shared among all the siblings -- those who'd cooperate anyway. AT least she'd have help from ME and any other reasonable adults among us siblings.

L3: "The best solution is to let the police know of the problem, and let them handle the situation." No, that's A solution, not "the best" solution. I don't think calling the cops for this trivial matter is good for neighbor relations.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#6
Feb 28, 2013
 

Judged:

1

1

1 Holy crap! Amy the kid is 18 not 8. He can start wearing big boy pants.

2 Wrong, care givers are entitles to compensation from the estate before any inheritance is doled out.

3 Or you could live in FL where we start our cars to cool them down.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#7
Feb 28, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
2 Wrong, care givers are entitles to compensation from the estate before any inheritance is doled out.
Not legally. She'd have to go through probate which is ugly, expensive, time consuming, and not always effective. The time to work out compensation is before the person dies -- her request for money doesn't do anything to how the will is written.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#8
Feb 28, 2013
 

Judged:

1

1

My buddy was caregiver for his mother, maybe it was also understood beforehand, but he told me that he was legally entitled to compensation for his services since if he did not do it, then they would have to hire someone or place her in a home, which would have drained her bank account in a short time.
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Not legally. She'd have to go through probate which is ugly, expensive, time consuming, and not always effective. The time to work out compensation is before the person dies -- her request for money doesn't do anything to how the will is written.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#9
Feb 28, 2013
 

Judged:

1

LW1: don't care.

lw2: that's how the chips fall. Life sucks sometimes. get over it.

LW3: "I'm not sure if going to the police is the best response to a neighbor who (like me) may not be aware of this prohibition. It seems that a friendly "heads-up" would be the place to start."

Right. Cause that's how it would be taken. As a friendly heads up instead of a veiled threat that they might rat you out for some trivial crap that no cop would ever worry about on his own.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#10
Feb 28, 2013
 
L1: Some 18 year olds are more immature than others. I think Amy gave good advice because she did basically tell her not to stop her life for her 18 year old son.

L2: I really don't care how much money you spend on your parent's care, THAT should be addressed while they are alive and has NOTHING to do with your inheritance. Some people have living wills that have provisions for the cost of care. Some people do not. It should have been negotiated between the siblings and parents at the time of illness on how to pay for the expenses.

L3: PSA with a dash of big brother.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#11
Feb 28, 2013
 
Toj wrote:
L1: Some 18 year olds are more immature than others. I think Amy gave good advice because she did basically tell her not to stop her life for her 18 year old son.
L2: I really don't care how much money you spend on your parent's care, THAT should be addressed while they are alive and has NOTHING to do with your inheritance. Some people have living wills that have provisions for the cost of care. Some people do not. It should have been negotiated between the siblings and parents at the time of illness on how to pay for the expenses.
L3: PSA with a dash of big brother.
LW2 is unhappy with the even split. I wonder if LW was expecting full compensation for services provided even if it meant there would be nothing left for the siblings, or if he just expected a larger portion to symbolize that he deserved more for doing more for them

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#12
Feb 28, 2013
 
LW1: You need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. Itís been 5 years and you deserve to be happy.

LW2: Itís up to your parents. My grandmother did the same thing for her parents, who lived with her for the last 10 to 12 years of their lives (including caring for my great grandmother who was bed ridden with Alzheimerís) and the inheritance was split equally. She did it out of love, not money.

LW3: I think MYOB should apply. Calling the police on your neighbor, because he leaves his car idling, makes you a terrible neighbor, IMO. Is starting a feud worth an idling car? You are nuts. Also, if it gets stolen, itís none of the neighbors business.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#13
Feb 28, 2013
 
Weren't you the one who said you would be angry at your surviving parent it they did not grieve long enough to suit you? You said something along the lines that you would also like to be consulted before they started dating again.
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: You need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. Itís been 5 years and you deserve to be happy.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#14
Feb 28, 2013
 
LW1: While I agree with this statement "And then there is this: We parents need to realize that our own personal happiness is not always paramount to our children." this kid is 18, not 8.

And at 18, were any of you "wistful" for your childhood? Yeah, didn't think so.

LW2: Don't care.

LW3: Nice neighbor you are, to get the police in involved. Really, they have better things to do than mediate a rediculous squabble.

And the idling ordinances have more to do with trucks and buses, I believe.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#15
Feb 28, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
LW2 is unhappy with the even split. I wonder if LW was expecting full compensation for services provided even if it meant there would be nothing left for the siblings, or if he just expected a larger portion to symbolize that he deserved more for doing more for them
Maybe both.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#16
Feb 28, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
Weren't you the one who said you would be angry at your surviving parent it they did not grieve long enough to suit you? You said something along the lines that you would also like to be consulted before they started dating again.
<quoted text>
It wasn't so much about being consulted in that situation. It was more so the timing. The letter you are referring to was a situation where the person started dating a few months after their partner died. I feel that is disrespectful and I think many people would feel like they were insignificant to their partner, if they died and the partner was suddenly willing to date right away. This is a situation where it's been 5 years. It's a very different situation, IMO.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#17
Feb 28, 2013
 
LW1: You've been dating for three years and you just recently fell in love. You waited a respectable two years before dating and your son is 18. He will be off to college or working very soon. Maybe he feels as though he is being replaced as the man of the house. Continue to avoid having him spend the night at your house and gradually allow the two of them to get to know each other without pressuring your son. He will get used to the idea.

LW2: Nobody is entitled to an inheritance. However, I believe that when there are multiple siblings, the inheritance should be divided equally.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#18
Feb 28, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
Weren't you the one who said you would be angry at your surviving parent it they did not grieve long enough to suit you? You said something along the lines that you would also like to be consulted before they started dating again.
<quoted text>
Yes. And he also could not pinpoint the appropriate time frame for grieveing before it was ok to start dataing again. Apparently 5 years is sufficient.

Do I hear 3? Can I get a 3?

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#19
Feb 28, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Yes. And he also could not pinpoint the appropriate time frame for grieveing before it was ok to start dataing again. Apparently 5 years is sufficient.
Do I hear 3? Can I get a 3?
I don't believe you are correct. If I remember correctly, I never pinpointed a time where it was not okay, but I believe I gave some indications of what would be okay.

Since: Mar 09

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#20
Feb 28, 2013
 
L1, sort of: Several people have reacted with surprise that Jasper is dating "so soon" after he and I split up, especially since we were still talking so frequently. I know it's different than death, because there were reasons vs. just circumstances for the relationship to end, but it's still pretty much a consensus. Just an observation.

Tell me when this thread is updated: (Registration is not required)

Add to my Tracker Send me an email

First Prev
of 2
Next Last
Type in your comments below
Name
(appears on your post)
Comments
Characters left: 4000
Type the numbers you see in the image on the right:

Please note by clicking on "Post Comment" you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

86 Users are viewing the Chicago Forum right now

Search the Chicago Forum:
Title Updated Last By Comments
BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 4 min Jacques from Ottawa 175,115
Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 6 min shinningelectr0n 1,083,663
Once slow-moving threat, global warming speeds ... (Dec '08) 12 min truth-facts 45,892
Ill. House Approves Legalizing Same-Sex Civil U... (Dec '10) 12 min Terry rigsby 49,006
{keep A word drop A word} (Oct '11) 37 min Roxie Darling 4,567
last post wins! (Apr '13) 1 hr gauntlet 305
IL Who do you support for Governor in Illinois in ... (Oct '10) 1 hr nono 3,849
Amy 7-30 1 hr Julie 20
Topix Chitown Regulars (Aug '09) 2 hr PEllen 97,577
•••
•••
•••

Chicago Jobs

•••
Enter and win $5000
•••
•••

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

•••

Chicago News, Events & Info

Click for news, events and info in Chicago
•••

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]
•••