Abby 8/31

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“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#1
Aug 31, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: I'm 15 and my brother is 19. He still lives at home and recently acquired a water cooler -- the kind you see in doctors' offices. He has it sitting in the dining room and, frankly, I hate it! It's unsightly and unnecessary.

My parents allow it to stay there. They have never cared much about how their house looks. I do most of the cleaning. Is there any way I can convince them to remove the water cooler? It's not the kind you see in home magazines.-- WANTS A NORMAL HOUSE

DEAR WANTS A NORMAL HOUSE: Ideally, a water cooler would be placed in a kitchen. However, if there isn't room for it in your parents' kitchen, and meals are shared in the dining room, that's the logical place for it. I can't see why the water cooler would embarrass you. Most people's homes don't resemble the layouts you see in magazines. They are an "ideal" folks aim for until reality compels them to organize their living space in a way that conforms to their needs and budgets, rather than their desires.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend for three years. We get along well, but he has the most annoying habit of gnawing his fingernails. It is constant, and he hardly has any left. I find it repulsive and embarrassing when we're out in public.

I have asked him repeatedly to stop. He says he has done it all his life and I should stop nagging. If it were the other way around and I knew something I did bothered him, I'd try my best not to do it because I loved him. I know most people have habits, and this is more of an addiction. What can I say to make him stop?-- BITING OFF TOO MUCH IN S. CAROLINA
DEAR BITING: Nail-biting is typically related to stress and anxiety. There are ways to stop, and he should talk about it with his doctor. Beyond suggesting that he make an appointment, nothing you can say will "make" your boyfriend change his behavior. Because you find the habit repulsive and embarrassing, the question it's time to ask yourself is whether it's a deal-breaker, and no one can answer that but you.

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old and have been in a relationship since I was 15. I never had a childhood. At 14 I became an adult and never got to experience any teenage freedom. I realize now that I'm not ready to settle down with anyone, but I know he is. I am unhappy, but I'm afraid of hurting him.

I am the type of person who would hurt myself before I hurt anyone else. I think I'm ready to experience life as a separate individual, but I don't know how to tell him. He always said this would happen, but I denied it. Now I realize he was right. I don't know how to start the conversation. Please help me.-- NOT READY TO SETTLE DOWN

DEAR NOT READY: You are the type of person who would hurt yourself before you hurt anyone else? While that is altruistic to the max, it is a dangerous way to live your life. In a case like this, better he should cry for a short time than you should cry for the next decade or so.

A way to start the conversation would be to say: "We need to talk, and I need to be honest with you. You were right when you said this wouldn't last -- and I was immature and inexperienced when I said you were wrong."

Since: Jan 10

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#2
Aug 31, 2013
 

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L1: do you wear suits with a bow tie?

L2: break up. I think you are awfully hard on him and way too naggy.

L3: no one gets to go through life without ever getting hurt.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#3
Aug 31, 2013
 

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L1: What exactly is a normal house? Just don't drink the water, that'll show him.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#4
Aug 31, 2013
 

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LW1 seems weird, fake or both.

LW2 needs to stop giving the pretty state of South Carolina a bad name. Her boyfriend can find a friendlier and less petty girl than her easily if she'll let him go.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#5
Aug 31, 2013
 

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2- Listen, just because your SO has a habit you don't like, isn't grounds for a breakup. The girl's asking for advice on how to handle this, And Abby and the rest of you are telling her to dump him. When you're in a relationship, you should do what you can to make each other happy. It's not just about YOU anymore. If she does decide to dump him, it should be because he's an inconsiderate ahole. Not because *she* is naggy and petty.

3- I want to know HOW you became an adult at 14. And what "teenage freedom" is supposed to mean. This letter leaves more questions than what it's asking.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#6
Aug 31, 2013
 
Dog, don't you agree that he will be better off without her?

Since: Jan 10

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#7
Aug 31, 2013
 

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Boundary, edog is the last person to be doling out relationship advice.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#8
Aug 31, 2013
 

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boundary painter wrote:
Dog, don't you agree that he will be better off without her?
None of us knows the answer to that.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Federal Way, WA

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#9
Aug 31, 2013
 

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1: Shut-up.

2: Shut-up.

3: Break up.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Federal Way, WA

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#10
Aug 31, 2013
 

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Did someone give dog his meds today or is this an impostor?
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#11
Aug 31, 2013
 
1: This is so odd. Must be an OCD girl with insecurities to care that much about a house.

2: If he hasn't even tried to stop, he's not holding his end of a relationship up. It's a nasty habit and hands looks so gross. She should stop holding hands and gentle back off. There are polishes and things and until he's tried everything, he's being lazy and unwilling.

3: Emancipated at 14 or something?
The fact you're asking is the only sliver of hope you have a leading a normal life.
Dcared of hurting someone so stay put? Yeah, that's healthy.

LIVE--alone. Garner your independence!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#12
Aug 31, 2013
 

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1. Is water cooler code for something?
2. I bit my nails apparently from the time I had teeth until I was 26. My mother and grandmother tried any number of strategies bordering on torture to get me to stop. It didn't bother my first husband as far as I know. For reasons neither I nor my shrink could figure out, I just stopped about 10 days after ex and I decided to separate and while we were still in the same apartment; I have never resumed even under really high stress. Some things are a gift. There is nothing LW can do to get BF to stop. He will or he won't based on whatever is happening in his head.

From his standpoint, she is a nag. He may force teh issue.

3. LW's parent could have died, or gone mental. Dad could have left, mom needed to work 2 jobs and LW wound up caring for sibs
LW could have left home and become emancipated. Lots of scenarios. But if she feels this way now, she needs to leave. If BF guilts her into staying, something will explode in teh future. A 35 year old woman acting like she is 16 is not a pretty thought.
Julie

Skokie, IL

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#13
Aug 31, 2013
 

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LW1: You're incredibly annoying. I'll bet your family thinks you're a complete PITA.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Federal Way, WA

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#14
Aug 31, 2013
 

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cheluzal wrote:
1: This is so odd. Must be an OCD girl with insecurities to care that much about a house.
I was picturing Felix Unger. Seriously, it's a water cooler. From what LW says though about parents not caring how the house looks, I think he/she always wanted an Architectural Digest house and ended up growing up in something more akin to Mom and Dad Both Work Full Time and Don't Have Time To Worry About Aesthetics Weekly. LW is 15 so he/she has lots of time to create his/her own museum showpiece home. Also, because LW is 15 he/she doesn't realize that no one's house looks like a magazine. <shrug>

I was looking through some really nice kitchen designs last night and had to keep reminding myself that no matter how cool all that black and stainless steel looks, unless there is someone who does nothing but keep it shiny and spot free 24/7 it will never look like that in reality. Oh and those barstool chairs with the silk upholstery...in the kitchen, yeah that's gonna stay looking nice...not.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Federal Way, WA

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#15
Aug 31, 2013
 

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cheluzal wrote:
2: If he hasn't even tried to stop, he's not holding his end of a relationship up. It's a nasty habit and hands looks so gross. She should stop holding hands and gentle back off. There are polishes and things and until he's tried everything, he's being lazy and unwilling.
Agreed. Buuuttt, this is something she's always known about him. She is trying to change him. He isn't responding to the change, ergo doesn't really want to change. I say she break up with him. She needs to find someone who isn't a nail biter/finger gnawer (ick btw) and he needs to be with someone who accepts him as is.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Federal Way, WA

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#16
Aug 31, 2013
 

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cheluzal wrote:
3: Emancipated at 14 or something?
The fact you're asking is the only sliver of hope you have a leading a normal life.
Dcared of hurting someone so stay put? Yeah, that's healthy.
LIVE--alone. Garner your independence!
She needs to just bite the bullet, tell him, and go out on her as an actual adult and figure out her independent life. He's known this would happen. He'll get over it.
pde

Everett, WA

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#17
Aug 31, 2013
 
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
I was looking through some really nice kitchen designs last night and had to keep reminding myself that no matter how cool all that black and stainless steel looks, unless there is someone who does nothing but keep it shiny and spot free 24/7 it will never look like that in reality. Oh and those barstool chairs with the silk upholstery...in the kitchen, yeah that's gonna stay looking nice...not.
What about those white kitchen cabinets? I've seen just wonderful examples of what happens to those white cabinets just a few years on over the past few days (house hunting). Eventually, the moisture gets under that white surface material and it starts chipping or breaking away.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#18
Sep 1, 2013
 
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
Agreed. Buuuttt, this is something she's always known about him. She is trying to change him. He isn't responding to the change, ergo doesn't really want to change. I say she break up with him. She needs to find someone who isn't a nail biter/finger gnawer (ick btw) and he needs to be with someone who accepts him as is.
You're not wrong. She knew going in, but dang--it is such a nasty habit.
Like all habits, they can be broken if you really want them to. I used to crack my knuckles and I stopped, cold turkey. Sheer will though, but I had an ex-bf just say to me, "You crack your knuckles." That was it. Not condescending or rude, just gently stating the obvious and it was all it took.*shrug*

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#19
Sep 2, 2013
 

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Lw1: When you live in your own house, you can make the decisions on what can and can't stay. Till then, stfu.
LW2: He's not your renovation project. Don't like his habit? Date someone else or learn to deal with it. Another case of "Man dates woman, does not want her to ever change. Woman dates man, she tried to change him".
"Nail-biting is typically related to stress and anxiety."
I used to bite my nails...because they needed biting. I live a stress free life. I no longer bite my nails because I have a nail clipper in my car, on my desk at work, in my coffee table drawer, in my nightstand, in my bathroom. ie: I have a better option available than my teeth.
"There are ways to stop, and he should talk about it with his doctor."
WTF? Really. You expect him to go see his doctor about this? Maybe the doctor can cure him of picking his teeth with a matchbook when he has no toothpick available.
Lw3: "At 14 I became an adult"
Huh? I smell drama queen.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#20
Sep 3, 2013
 

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To me, Tonka had all the answers.

L1: That's what I thought, Tonka. Wait until you get your own house -- that's when you get to have what you want in it.

L2: Exactly! So what. He has a bad habit. He is not your projct. You probably have a bad habit as well that you're not even aware of. It's not the end of the world. He could have worse habits.

L3: Now you need to mature emotionally. Sounds like you haven't. Not that this LW is bad or anything, just sounds a bit immature. Go out in life, make your own mistakes, fix them, explore. That's what you do in your 20s.

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