“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jul 7, 2012
DEAR AMY: Thirteen years ago, I had an affair and conceived a child. My son is now 12, and the husband I cheated on is now my ex-husband.

My ex accepted and treats our son like his own. Never once, even in heated battles about care, money, school or anything, has he said,“He’s not mine, so I don’t care.” I’ve never pulled the,“He’s not your son” argument, either.

In talking to my ex about the inevitable revelation of our son’s actual father, my ex says he would prefer our son never know — he’s his son, and that’s that.

I have now remarried. My current husband says the decision is mine and he’ll support it, but he thinks my son should be told the truth.

I grew up without my dad and never knew what it meant to have a dad, so seeing my ex-husband so freely and without judgment take care of a child who is not his, I want to leave well enough alone. Yet there is a part of me that feels our son deserves to know the truth.

My son’s real father owes more than $700,000 in child support and chooses not to be a part of his life.

Do I expose my son to that type of rejection when he has such a loving father whom he has known as his father his whole life? Or does the right to know override all of that?-- Questioning Mom

DEAR MOM: You grew up without a father. Your son grew up with a father.

His dad is his father. The man you had an affair with is the biological father — please don’t use the terms “real” and “actual” to refer to him.

I suspect that one reason you don’t want to tell the truth is because it forces you to face an embarrassing fact about your own life.

If at all possible, you, your ex and your current husband should meet in the office of a family counselor to talk this through.

The truth should be disclosed. But the timing, and the way this is handled, is important.

Your son is at an extremely tender age. Your counselor might suggest that you wait a few months. Your ex may choose to formally and legally adopt him.

You should also abandon any mention of child support. If you had wanted to make a child support claim, you should have handled it many years ago.

It would be a mistake to imply to your son that there is any sort of financial issue on the table.

DEAR AMY: Yesterday, I hosted a baby shower for a friend at my apartment. I knew about half of the guests at the shower and half were friends of the mother-to-be that I had never met before.

My problem is that several guests removed their sandals or flip-flops and walked barefoot around my apartment. I had a major issue with a few of the girls putting their bare feet up on my coffee table or on my couch. This is just outright disgusting. I don’t care how clean your feet are, this is just purely unacceptable to do in someone else’s home.

I also took issue with a few of the guests licking their fingers and then touching the serving pieces. These are grown women! What is the best way to approach these problems the next time I have guests over?-- Rebecca

DEAR REBECCA: Ewww. You can hope that you don’t have to face this again. If you do, it’s perfectly acceptable to ask guests,“Would you mind keeping your shoes on,” or,“Can you take your feet off the table?”

In regards to policing finger-licking, leave it alone.

DEAR AMY: If a good friend of mine invites my husband and me to her child’s wedding, my husband thinks he shouldn’t attend because he is not friends with the parents and he doesn’t know the child. I think he should attend with me. Who is right?-- Curious

DEAR CURIOUS: You are. One way to get to know people (and perhaps befriend them) is to attend events to which you are invited.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#2 Jul 7, 2012
L1: His real father is the man who raised him. You are a total doofus and a whorish, money-grubbing doofus as well.

L2: Buck up! This is what happens when you host baby showers for former strippers.

L3: nothin'....

Since: Nov 10

Herndon, VA

#3 Jul 7, 2012
L2- It would be better for them to put their dirty shoes on the coffee table?

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#4 Jul 7, 2012
Renee J wrote:
L2- It would be better for them to put their dirty shoes on the coffee table?
It would have been better to have the shower at a restaurant.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#5 Jul 7, 2012
LW2 - You should not be a host in your home. If you have to be one, hire another venue for the event to be in. I am not as particular as you but I don't like people's feet on my furniture either.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#6 Jul 7, 2012
L1. "The truth shall set you free" - KJV

You yourelf said in your letter that it is inevitable.

Since: Mar 09

Boynton Beach, FL

#7 Jul 7, 2012
L2: seems like we usually hear about people who WANT guests to take off their shoes. Not so they can rub their feet on the furniture though.

“Grrrrr”

Since: Jan 12

Barbi & Baron

#8 Jul 7, 2012
Saluki Rod wrote:
L1: His real father is the man who raised him. You are a total doofus and a whorish, money-grubbing doofus as well.
L2: Buck up! This is what happens when you host baby showers for former strippers.
L3: nothin'....
LOL!! You're funny!

OK, L1: I agree with the above. haha

L2: As we know, in other cultures, shoes are removed upon entering homes and their places of worship. I would love it if people coming through my door would remove their shoes, but I gave up trying. It's the shoes that are filthy - not the feet. Our floors and homes would be cleaner if we were all barefoot inside. Anyway, the hostess is a whiny nitpicker, anyway, even complaining about the table manners.
Sankar

Buffalo Grove, IL

#9 Jul 7, 2012
L3 : Absolutely refuse if it is cash bar. No returns on the effort.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#10 Jul 7, 2012
1-$700,000?!

2- Pull the dam stick out. I agree with Renee, would you have preferred they stomp all over with their dirty shoes? You sound like a hypochondriac nut ball.

3- Tell your dam loser husband to crawl out from under his rock and meet people.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#11 Jul 7, 2012
Renee J wrote:
L2- It would be better for them to put their dirty shoes on the coffee table?
That was my first thought too. Her problem is not that people took their shoes off, but that they put their feet on her furniture.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#12 Jul 7, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
1-$700,000?!
So...nearly $5000 a month? Yeah, doesn't make any sense. Maybe there is an extra zero in there? Or maybe she had a kid with P Diddy.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#13 Jul 7, 2012
L1: "Your son is at an extremely tender age. Your counselor might suggest that you wait a few months." He's not three. He's 12. What will a few months do? Miraculously give him the ability to handle this information better than now? And Amy, why chastize the LW's reference to child support? How do you know she hasn't made a claim for child support? Sounds to me like she has.

I think it's too late and too early to tell the kid. I can see a kid taking this the wrong way and it messing with his head at a tough age. Since he wasn't told years ago, I think they should wait until the kid is 18, if they tell him at all.

L2: Feet on someone else's table? No way. No. Way.

L3: If he doesn't want to go, why make him?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#14 Jul 7, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I can see a kid taking this the wrong way and it messing with his head at a tough age. Since he wasn't told years ago, I think they should wait until the kid is 18, if they tell him at all.
Why is 18 a magic number? If being told at 13 can upset him, won't being told at 18 upset him more?
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#15 Jul 7, 2012
1: Wow. Just wow. I am a firm believer in truth but this is something the kid should've known from the start--his feeings for his dad would be the same; he would just know he has a biological one, too.
Now, it's this huge secret that was kept. I feel sorry for the kid for having a ho mom and deadbeat bio dad.
Truth always finds a way to rise to the surface though, and should never be hidden. She did it for her own protection.

2: Disgusting!! So many people think this is acceptable. I have NO problem telling people this, BUT I also got rid of my coffee table for this very reason. Remove temptation from douches who have never been taught to treat others' items with more respect.
Feet are nasty and anyone thinking they can put theirs on a practical stranger's furniture is a freaking neanderthal.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#16 Jul 7, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: "Your son is at an extremely tender age. Your counselor might suggest that you wait a few months." He's not three. He's 12. What will a few months do? Miraculously give him the ability to handle this information better than now? And Amy, why chastize the LW's reference to child support? How do you know she hasn't made a claim for child support? Sounds to me like she has.
I think it's too late and too early to tell the kid. I can see a kid taking this the wrong way and it messing with his head at a tough age. Since he wasn't told years ago, I think they should wait until the kid is 18, if they tell him at all.
Nope, too big a chance he'd find out elsewhere and feel lied to and betrayed. That WILL mess with his head.
ASAP, with a REAL apology for not being straight with him the first time he asked anything at all about family.
It's only a big deal because it's been hidden, they should have said something long ago. He deserves the truth as soon as possible. Being told by them isn't going to be nearly as bad as having someone else accidentally spill the beans.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#17 Jul 7, 2012
L1: I agree with Redhead. Wait until he's over 18 to tell him. The teenage years are horrible already it would be a huge mistake to pull the rug out from under him. A kid with no sense of family could really eff up his life big time.

L2: Please, don't do any more parties.

L3: Your husband doesn't want to go and that was his excuse and you don't want to go along so you think Amy is going to force him to go?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#18 Jul 7, 2012
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>Nope, too big a chance he'd find out elsewhere and feel lied to and betrayed. That WILL mess with his head.
ASAP, with a REAL apology for not being straight with him the first time he asked anything at all about family.
It's only a big deal because it's been hidden, they should have said something long ago. He deserves the truth as soon as possible. Being told by them isn't going to be nearly as bad as having someone else accidentally spill the beans.
So long as this is between his two parents and the stepdad, I would hope they could keep their mouths shut. Some people do keep secrets. But if ANYBODY else knows, I agree, they need to tell the kid before someone else does.
Anita

Florence, KY

#19 Jul 8, 2012
Twitter.com/Ballan247

That's her bro

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