“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jul 16, 2013
EAR ABBY: I was recently hired for a job I have wanted for years. I am a counselor for troubled teens. I love it, and I empathize with those I work with.(Ten years ago, I was a teen placed in a similar facility for some of the same reasons.)

The problem is, when I was in a dark period of my life, I was a cutter. I still have deep scars on one arm that are noticeable. How do I handle this now that I'm in the psychological field? I don't wish to go into detail about my past, as that would be poor boundaries as an employee and counselor. But it's hard to avoid with hot summer weather here and my past literally "on my sleeve."

Please help. Some actions have permanent consequences. I hope this will remind other cutters that their wounds may be something they wish they could undo once they are emotionally healed.-- NAMELESS IN AMERICA

DEAR NAMELESS: I hope your comments will remind other cutters not only that actions have consequences, but also that there are more effective solutions for emotional pain than self-injury. This is something you should discuss with your employers. My thinking is, if your clients see your scars, it may help them to talk about their own cutting, which would be therapeutic.

DEAR ABBY: I recently became a father for the third time. My children are 18, 5 and 3 weeks old. My wife, "Molly," had complications during this last pregnancy that caused her blood pressure to remain in a heightened state for the last few months of her pregnancy. She had been hoping for a little girl, but we were blessed with another boy.



I'm turning 40 and my wife is 37. I have reached a point in my life where I'm ready to be done changing diapers, but Molly wants to try again for a little girl. I have issues with my back and have a hard time getting to my 5-year-old's level now. I'm afraid if we continue having children, I'll be unable to be the involved dad I want to be.

Am I a bad husband for feeling this way? I don't want Molly to go through life regretting not having the daughter she always wanted, but there is no guarantee it will happen if we decide to try again.

I make a fair living, but with additional mouths to feed come additional financial responsibilities. I'm afraid I won't be able to provide for my growing family as I need to. Am I right in my thinking, or am I being overly cautious?-- STOPPING AT THREE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR STOPPING AT THREE: You are thinking clearly. At 37, and with her medical history, your wife would be considered "at risk" if she becomes pregnant again. While I sympathize with the fact that she yearns for a daughter, allow me to share a true story with you:

A man was in a similar situation to yours, but he had four daughters. So he and his wife decided they would try "one more time" for a son. Sure enough, his wife became pregnant. She delivered beautiful identical twin ... daughters. At that point he gave up and had a vasectomy!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Jul 16, 2013
L1: I agree with Abby.

L2: I don't like when women like your wife want another kid so they get the gender they want. What would your wife do with a daughter that she can't do with her son? What if she doesn't get a girly girl who doesn't want to shop with mommy? Doesn't want her toenails painted? Women like your wife project expectations onto their children. Don't go for kid #4. And get a vasectomy, because I don't trust her to not have an oops.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Jul 16, 2013
1 I fail to see the problem with your battle scars.

2 Your stupid story did nothing to help this guy. He needs you to tell him how he should confront his wife. You could have at least suggested counseling or talking with their clergyperson.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#4 Jul 16, 2013
Yeah, just keep cranking them out until your wife gets a little princess. Or your twin 6th and 7th sons come out with Down syndrome. Whatever works.

Red said it nicely. Your non-existent daughter isn't guaranteed to be your best friend when she grows up.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 Jul 16, 2013
LW1: I would think that your scars would give you awesome street cred with the kids you're currently helping.

LW2: With her health issues, having another baby could kill her. With love, explain to her that you're concerned for her health and want her around to take care of the babies you already have.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#6 Jul 16, 2013
LW1: I think it would help, not hurt.

LW2: Team Red here. I have a daughter who is NOT a girly girl. She might *sometimes* want to shop or get a pedicure, but it's rare. Having a girl doesn't mean it's all ribbons and dolly time. And I am glad for it. My daughter is just the way I want her to be!

I used to work with a guy that had all daughters (4, IIRC) from his first marriage. He remarried and they had another girl. Then they (finally had a boy). The man was in his 60s by the time that son was born and in poor health (though, of course, he was thrilled to have a son).

Be happy with what yuo have. And slap your wife upside the head. With her health issues, she'd be putting herself and the baby at risk.

And get a vasectomy or I guarantee you'll get tricked.

Since: May 13

Monterey, CA

#7 Jul 16, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: I agree with Abby.
L2: I don't like when women like your wife want another kid so they get the gender they want. What would your wife do with a daughter that she can't do with her son? What if she doesn't get a girly girl who doesn't want to shop with mommy? Doesn't want her toenails painted? Women like your wife project expectations onto their children. Don't go for kid #4. And get a vasectomy, because I don't trust her to not have an oops.
THIS, exactly. Saved me the typing. Happy Tuesday!

Since: May 13

Monterey, CA

#8 Jul 16, 2013
Stina wrote:
LW1: I think it would help, not hurt.
LW2: Team Red here. I have a daughter who is NOT a girly girl. She might *sometimes* want to shop or get a pedicure, but it's rare. Having a girl doesn't mean it's all ribbons and dolly time. And I am glad for it. My daughter is just the way I want her to be!
I used to work with a guy that had all daughters (4, IIRC) from his first marriage. He remarried and they had another girl. Then they (finally had a boy). The man was in his 60s by the time that son was born and in poor health (though, of course, he was thrilled to have a son).
Be happy with what yuo have. And slap your wife upside the head. With her health issues, she'd be putting herself and the baby at risk.
And get a vasectomy or I guarantee you'll get tricked.
My uncle and aunt had 4 girls - all delivered via c-section, old school c-section. The doctor firmly told my aunt, "no more babies" that she'd be endangering her health and that of the baby. Be happy with what you have, or hope for granddaughters!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#9 Jul 16, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
My uncle and aunt had 4 girls - all delivered via c-section, old school c-section. The doctor firmly told my aunt, "no more babies" that she'd be endangering her health and that of the baby. Be happy with what you have, or hope for granddaughters!
I dated a guy whose tiny little Irish (as in,*From* Ireland) Catholic mom had the biggest pooch on her. Then I found out she'd had five C-sections (the old kind where they cut you wide open, every time)--she had four boys then got her girl. And to get a tubal ligation at her Catholic hospital, you had to have had at least two C-sections, and you couldn't get the tubal as part of your c-section. You had to go home with your baby, fully recover, think some more about GOd and making babies, and THEN you could get your tubal.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#10 Jul 16, 2013
LW2 would get a pat on the back from me if he chose
to tell his wife he didn't want to endanger her health and got a vasectomy.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Jul 16, 2013
L1: Don't overly show your scares, but don't hide then either. Being authentic is the best thing you can be as a counsellor. As for cutter's learning about consequences -- Abby and others, consequences are nothing to do with it. They are in pain and that's the way they alleviate the pain. They don't care about tomorrow as they are trying to get through today.

L2: A husband and wife, I feel, have veto power over each other on having a baby. If one does not want another baby, you don't have a baby. I can understand why she wants a girl -- whether it's a girly-girl or not there are certain things that usually come with having a girl. But there are no guarantees.

She needs to come to terms with reality and know how good she really does have it.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#12 Jul 16, 2013
LW2: Get a vasectomy, NOW. Your wife will definitely "trick" you. Her obsessive need for a daughter is obviously more important to her than being present and healthy for the 3 children (2 of whom are incredibly young [3 wks old---seriously?] and will need her for a long, long time). She also doesn't give a sh*t about your very reasonable concerns re having more children. She's selfish as hell.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#13 Jul 16, 2013
Toj wrote:
L1: Don't overly show your scares, but don't hide then either. Being authentic is the best thing you can be as a counsellor. As for cutter's learning about consequences -- Abby and others, consequences are nothing to do with it. They are in pain and that's the way they alleviate the pain. They don't care about tomorrow as they are trying to get through today.
Good post. I didn't even read all of Abby's response, so I'm glad you did and corrected her! I do think it's good for troubled teens feel like the adult they're talking with about their problems has been where they've been and has come out the other side.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#14 Jul 16, 2013
2: Stop at three if finances are a real problem. Or you could look into becoming foster parents to a little girl. I'm not sure whether foster parents can choose a gender though so that might be a problem. If finances are not too bad, you might want to think about adopting a little girl. That way she could have her little girl and not take the risks another pregnancy might have to her health.

I do not advocate another pregnancy. I knew a family that had 5 daughters (I went to school with the middle girl). Apparently the dad really wanted a son and the mom went through another pregnancy hoping for a son. She died giving birth to another daughter. So here was a man with a marginal income trying to raise all these daughters on his own.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#15 Jul 17, 2013
Pippa wrote:
2: Stop at three if finances are a real problem. Or you could look into becoming foster parents to a little girl. I'm not sure whether foster parents can choose a gender though so that might be a problem. If finances are not too bad, you might want to think about adopting a little girl. That way she could have her little girl and not take the risks another pregnancy might have to her health.
I do not advocate another pregnancy. I knew a family that had 5 daughters (I went to school with the middle girl). Apparently the dad really wanted a son and the mom went through another pregnancy hoping for a son. She died giving birth to another daughter. So here was a man with a marginal income trying to raise all these daughters on his own.
That makes sense. His wife could volunteer to help with girls
(and other boys) at a school or a summer feeding program and
still have girls in her life to mentor.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#16 Jul 17, 2013
and she likely will have daughters-in-law and grandchildren at some point. THere's plenty of time to bond with a girl.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 8 min flack 1,124,993
BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 11 min wojar 179,279
Song Titles Only (group/artist in parenthesis m... (Mar '10) 26 min RJS 7,820
Messianic Jews say they are persecuted in Israel (Jun '08) 31 min Eric 69,980
Israeli troops begin Gaza pullout as Hamas decl... (Jan '09) 53 min Grau 68,636
Remember Quantitative Easing?..................... 57 min Go Blue Forever 3
Ill. House Approves Legalizing Same-Sex Civil U... (Dec '10) 1 hr HAHAHA 50,595
Chicago Dating
Find my Match

Chicago Jobs

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

Chicago News, Events & Info

Click for news, events and info in Chicago

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]