“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jan 2, 2014
DEAR ABBY: My sister "Nicole" faked several pregnancies to keep her boyfriends around until they wised up. She is now really pregnant by a married man.

Nicole has a long criminal history and has been in and out of jail for various offenses. She's now facing drug charges that could land her in jail for the next 10 or 15 years. If she's found guilty, my mother will get custody of the baby so it won't have to stay in foster care.

My parents are in their late 50s and financially capable, but they're not in the best of health. Mom plans to raise the child until Nicole gets out of prison because my sister "always wanted to be a mom."

My husband and I have been discussing adopting a child and would love to adopt Nicole's baby. If we did, we'd get a child and could provide the love, safety and security my sister cannot. And the child would get a stable home. Mom feels Nicole "deserves" to be a mom, despite the fact that she's going to jail and flits from man to man searching for someone to love her.

How can I get my mother to see that the needs of this baby have to come first? She should be more concerned with this innocent baby than her drugged-out daughter. Am I wrong to feel hurt and think my mother is choosing her over me?-- HEARTBROKEN IN ALABAMA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Stop personalizing this as a choice your mother is making between you and your sister. Try instead to make her understand how traumatic it will be to a child who could be as old as 10 or 15 to be handed over to a virtual stranger who has no job, no money and a long uphill climb to try and build a future.

Your sister may have always dreamed of motherhood, but the most important part of being a parent -- aside from loving a child -- is being present. If your sister is found guilty, she will be absent long after her child's primary attachments will have formed.

If this doesn't convince your mother to change her mind, you will have no choice but to accept her decision and consider adopting another child.

P.S. Perhaps your father will understand that what you're proposing makes sense and will speak on your behalf.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my late 20s, single and have no children. I have lived on my own since I was 18. I own my home, my car and have no credit card debt, but my mother refuses to acknowledge me as an adult.

When I do simple chores or cook meals, she acts surprised. She constantly pleads with me to move back home because she insists I can't take care of myself and refuses to discuss it any further than belittling me.

My friends say what she's doing constitutes abuse. I'm not sure I agree, but I do think it is rude and manipulative. How can I deal with her condescending attitude when I'm with her?-- AT MY WIT'S END

DEAR WIT'S END: Most parents strive to make their children independent. Your mother may want you home not because you can't take care of yourself but because she doesn't want to live alone. I wouldn't call that abuse but I do consider it to be selfish and self-serving.

You should not sacrifice your lifestyle to live with someone as manipulative as your mother. When she attacks, laugh and deflect her with humor. Assure her that as incompetent as she thinks you are, you're "muddling through." And if she persists, point out that if she doesn't ease up, she'll be seeing less of you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Jan 2, 2014
1- She sounds charming. But when she gets out of prison, she's gonna want her kid back. You prepared to deal with that?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Jan 2, 2014
Lw1: She wants to ADOPT the child. For all intents and purposes, grandma is planning to be a foster parent while daughter os in jail. She has zero authority to approve the child's adoption. If lw wants to adopt, she needs her sister to agree to it in writing

Lw2:Your friends are a bunch of morons and your mom is a condescending idiot.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Jan 2, 2014
1 You could petition the court for permanent custody, but I would make the kid aware that you are her aunt, not her mom.

2 You need to find a nice man and get married.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#5 Jan 2, 2014
RACE said it well. Far be it from me to begrudge LW1 the choice of
asking Nicole if she can adopt this child.( And, hopefully, Nicole will
say, "okay" and legally put it in writing.)

LW2 may as well not answer the phone when "mommy manipulator"
calls. Stay busy with friends and work.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 Jan 2, 2014
LW1: If she's found guilty and sent off to prison, you petition the court for custody. It may be a nasty fight, with your mother's attitude, but it would be the best solution for the baby.

LW2: The problem is not with you. You could be a millionaire and she'd still be pulling the same BS. Encourage her to find a hobby (other than pestering you, of course) or volunteer.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Jan 2, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw1: She wants to ADOPT the child. For all intents and purposes, grandma is planning to be a foster parent while daughter os in jail. She has zero authority to approve the child's adoption. If lw wants to adopt, she needs her sister to agree to it in writing
Lw2:Your friends are a bunch of morons and your mom is a condescending idiot.
The courts may decide to terminate the birth mothers parental rights, this opening the door to adoption, especially given the length of time we are looking at here.

But I agree that grandma has no say, and ITA re: l2.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Jan 2, 2014
squishymama wrote:
LW1: If she's found guilty and sent off to prison, you petition the court for custody. It may be a nasty fight, with your mother's attitude, but it would be the best solution for the baby.
LW2: The problem is not with you. You could be a millionaire and she'd still be pulling the same BS. Encourage her to find a hobby (other than pestering you, of course) or volunteer.
Do you really think she would have any chance? With the grandma, the child would have adequate care, so its noy like she could argue that grandma was incapable. Additionally, grandma would be rsising the child with the mother's blessing. I don't see how lw would have a leg to stand on. She has no legitimate claim fie cystody any more than some random couple trying to wrestle custody away from grandma.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#9 Jan 2, 2014
LW1: I know you feel compassion for this child, but I think s/he would be far better off being adopted by someone outside of the family. Nicole will want you and your parents to bring the child to the prision for visits. She will also want to assume the role of Mom when she gets out. And then there's the family dynamic between you and your sister. She's the wild child, and you're the responsible one. She probably envies your life, and I doubt if she would willingly agree to let you adopt her child. This is one hot mess and if you are smart, you will stay out of it.

LW2: How can you deal with her attitude? By not taking it personally. This is her stuff, not yours.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Jan 2, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Do you really think she would have any chance? With the grandma, the child would have adequate care, so its noy like she could argue that grandma was incapable. Additionally, grandma would be rsising the child with the mother's blessing. I don't see how lw would have a leg to stand on. She has no legitimate claim fie cystody any more than some random couple trying to wrestle custody away from grandma.
I really have no idea, but a case could be made that the grandma is old(er) and in ill health and not up to raising a baby to 18. <mimishrug> But I always thought that in cases like this, DCFS (or whatever agency) tries to keep families together and if there's a younger adult willing to adopt, that might be enough.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#11 Jan 2, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: I know you feel compassion for this child, but I think s/he would be far better off being adopted by someone outside of the family. Nicole will want you and your parents to bring the child to the prision for visits. She will also want to assume the role of Mom when she gets out. And then there's the family dynamic between you and your sister. She's the wild child, and you're the responsible one. She probably envies your life, and I doubt if she would willingly agree to let you adopt her child. This is one hot mess and if you are smart, you will stay out of it.
LW2: How can you deal with her attitude? By not taking it personally. This is her stuff, not yours.
ITA re lw1. New family. Cut all ties.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#12 Jan 2, 2014
Easy to say, but not everyone is ok with giving up a family member for adoption, especially when they think they can provide adequately for the child, and even tougher when they are trying to have a child of their own.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and I think in this case, the mind will be in no condition to override it.

I say the better thing to do is go down swinging.
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: I know you feel compassion for this child, but I think s/he would be far better off being adopted by someone outside of the family. Nicole will want you and your parents to bring the child to the prision for visits. She will also want to assume the role of Mom when she gets out. And then there's the family dynamic between you and your sister. She's the wild child, and you're the responsible one. She probably envies your life, and I doubt if she would willingly agree to let you adopt her child. This is one hot mess and if you are smart, you will stay out of it.
LW2: How can you deal with her attitude? By not taking it personally. This is her stuff, not yours.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#13 Jan 2, 2014
RACE wrote:
Easy to say, but not everyone is ok with giving up a family member for adoption, especially when they think they can provide adequately for the child, and even tougher when they are trying to have a child of their own.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and I think in this case, the mind will be in no condition to override it.
I say the better thing to do is go down swinging.
<quoted text>
Oh, I totally get the mindset of not allowing anyone other than family to raise a child. Because of that, my friend's cousin's 3 kids are being raised by 1) great-grandparents, 2) grandparents, 3) druggie mother who is in and out of jail. All 3 kids would be better off in stable households with parents who truly wanted them and were emotionally and financially able to care for them.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#14 Jan 2, 2014
Like the LW's sister?
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
Oh, I totally get the mindset of not allowing anyone other than family to raise a child. Because of that, my friend's cousin's 3 kids are being raised by 1) great-grandparents, 2) grandparents, 3) druggie mother who is in and out of jail. All 3 kids would be better off in stable households with parents who truly wanted them and were emotionally and financially able to care for them.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#15 Jan 2, 2014
RACE wrote:
Like the LW's sister?
<quoted text>
Point taken.

I'm sure that LW has good intentions and she and her husband are clearly ready for parenthood. However, she must also be ready for the custody battle that will probably ensue and if you don't think her druggie sister will give her some grief over this, I have a unicorn to sell you.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#16 Jan 3, 2014
Of course I expect it, thats why I said "Go down swinging"
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
Point taken.
I'm sure that LW has good intentions and she and her husband are clearly ready for parenthood. However, she must also be ready for the custody battle that will probably ensue and if you don't think her druggie sister will give her some grief over this, I have a unicorn to sell you.

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