“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#21 Jun 7, 2013
LW1- one act of violence affects many people, in different ways and at different times. The LW, try as she might, is probably relating differently to her boyfriend. The boyfriend could be dealing with a range of emotions from helplessness to anger to disgust (any or all directed at himself, the attacker or his GF).

I love Squishy's suggestion of contacting RAINN. They have an online chat option now, if the lw is not comfortable talking out loud to a stranger yet.

For those here who are questioning whether it was a "real" rape, please take a step back and reconsider your words. Any time that a woman is forced to have sex against her will or is unable to give consent, it is real. Also, RACE, it is not unusual for a rape victim to have sex within 2 weeks after being raped (especially with a significant other). Often, women want to affirm that they so have control over their bodies and that they can choose where and when they will have sex. Sometimes being raped leads to sexual promiscuity as a way of the woman trying to maintain that control. The mere act of sex doesn't mean that someone has come to terms with what happened to them.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#22 Jun 7, 2013
LW2: What bothers me is that she said they knew people couldn't afford it, so they didn't invite them. So they were just ASSUMING people wouldn't have the money so they excluded them, which I think is selfish and rude. She did NOT say they were looking to have a small event, etc. and that that was the reason for not inviting family. I think it's pretty lousy to exclude your immediate family based on assumption. Or she should just admit she doesn't want them there. She just alienated her fiance's family. If it were my brother in this situation and they excluded me like this, I would completely distance myself from them. You don't NOT invite someone because you think you know what they can afford or what they will do. You only NOT invite them because you don't want them there.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#23 Jun 7, 2013
Yeah, someone else said the same thing.
ScarletandOlive wrote:
LW1- one act of violence affects many people, in different ways and at different times. The LW, try as she might, is probably relating differently to her boyfriend. The boyfriend could be dealing with a range of emotions from helplessness to anger to disgust (any or all directed at himself, the attacker or his GF).
I love Squishy's suggestion of contacting RAINN. They have an online chat option now, if the lw is not comfortable talking out loud to a stranger yet.
For those here who are questioning whether it was a "real" rape, please take a step back and reconsider your words. Any time that a woman is forced to have sex against her will or is unable to give consent, it is real. Also, RACE, it is not unusual for a rape victim to have sex within 2 weeks after being raped (especially with a significant other). Often, women want to affirm that they so have control over their bodies and that they can choose where and when they will have sex. Sometimes being raped leads to sexual promiscuity as a way of the woman trying to maintain that control. The mere act of sex doesn't mean that someone has come to terms with what happened to them.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#24 Jun 7, 2013
Stina wrote:
LW2: What bothers me is that she said they knew people couldn't afford it, so they didn't invite them. So they were just ASSUMING people wouldn't have the money so they excluded them, which I think is selfish and rude. She did NOT say they were looking to have a small event, etc. and that that was the reason for not inviting family. I think it's pretty lousy to exclude your immediate family based on assumption. Or she should just admit she doesn't want them there. She just alienated her fiance's family. If it were my brother in this situation and they excluded me like this, I would completely distance myself from them. You don't NOT invite someone because you think you know what they can afford or what they will do. You only NOT invite them because you don't want them there.
This. Invite everyone whom you would want to attend, and include a disclaimer that those unable to make it can join fir the celebration she'll be throwing when they get back.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#25 Jun 7, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>This. Invite everyone whom you would want to attend, and include a disclaimer that those unable to make it can join fir the celebration she'll be throwing when they get back.
ITA. Invite people you'd like to have there. Let them decide whether to attend.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#26 Jun 7, 2013
LW3's son should leave this unrealiostic mother as soon as he can figure out how he can do that and leand in a good spot.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#27 Jun 7, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
ITA. Invite people you'd like to have there. Let them decide whether to attend.
Right. Because by NOT inviting them you aren't even giving them a choice. It's basically saying, "We dont' want you here."

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#28 Jun 7, 2013
I worked with a guy who was getting married on a cruise. He was trying to get everybody to go on the cruise with him because if he got like 15 couples to go, then his cruise was free.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#29 Jun 7, 2013
Stina wrote:
<quoted text>
Right. Because by NOT inviting them you aren't even giving them a choice. It's basically saying, "We don't' want you here."
My wife tends to do this. Not for parties and stuff. But if we are discussing plans to do something that costs some coin, maybe a trip, she tends to sometimes exclude who we should mention it to because she thinks they can't afford it. Like she'll say R was just telling me how tight money is and blah blah blah. And I'm like look, who cares what inside information you think you have. You extend the offer and let people decided for themselves if they want to spend the money. You're not responsible for their finances.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#30 Jun 10, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Itser! H ope your nonsummer is going well! I moved! I'm on the near East Side of St. Paul, just a few blocks from Metro State. Living in the hood suits me.:)
Glad to hear it - did you buy or rent? I hope you are in a cool place with a lot of character - that's what I love about older neighborhoods.

The unsummer is going pretty good...renting a boat this afternoon to go check out a very small island that my brother is thinking about buying. Really hoping it goes according to plan, since I am the only close family he has in the state, and would therefore have a private little retreat that I wouldn't have to pay for!

You and Nick still going strong? Sold your bike yet?

Heh...my numbers are 1983, the year of my hs graduation.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#31 Jun 10, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
LW1- one act of violence affects many people, in different ways and at different times. The LW, try as she might, is probably relating differently to her boyfriend. The boyfriend could be dealing with a range of emotions from helplessness to anger to disgust (any or all directed at himself, the attacker or his GF).
I love Squishy's suggestion of contacting RAINN. They have an online chat option now, if the lw is not comfortable talking out loud to a stranger yet.
For those here who are questioning whether it was a "real" rape, please take a step back and reconsider your words. Any time that a woman is forced to have sex against her will or is unable to give consent, it is real. Also, RACE, it is not unusual for a rape victim to have sex within 2 weeks after being raped (especially with a significant other). Often, women want to affirm that they so have control over their bodies and that they can choose where and when they will have sex. Sometimes being raped leads to sexual promiscuity as a way of the woman trying to maintain that control. The mere act of sex doesn't mean that someone has come to terms with what happened to them.
Why do you assume that we question whether it was real based on whether it was forced? Personally, when I question whether a rape was real, I mean...was it really nonconsentual. Several years ago, a friend's 14-year-old son had sex with a classmate during a party, which the girl initiated. Later, she was embarrassed that everyone knew about it so she said she was raped. Her father shot and killed the boy's brother (got the wrong kid) and gut-shot their father, who died from complications after a couple of miserable years.
Recently, a couple friends hooked up on a business trip during which they both put hickies on each other. She realized they weren't going to fade before she got home to her fiance, and...it was rape. He was found not guilty, but still went through all that trauma and expense because of a false accusation, and she is still being treated like the victim.
Rape is rape, whether it is violent or not, a stranger or not, at knifepoint or not. But not every accusation is rape.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#32 Jun 10, 2013
itser wrote:
<quoted text>Why do you assume that we question whether it was real based on whether it was forced? Personally, when I question whether a rape was real, I mean...was it really nonconsentual. Several years ago, a friend's 14-year-old son had sex with a classmate during a party, which the girl initiated. Later, she was embarrassed that everyone knew about it so she said she was raped. Her father shot and killed the boy's brother (got the wrong kid) and gut-shot their father, who died from complications after a couple of miserable years.
Recently, a couple friends hooked up on a business trip during which they both put hickies on each other. She realized they weren't going to fade before she got home to her fiance, and...it was rape. He was found not guilty, but still went through all that trauma and expense because of a false accusation, and she is still being treated like the victim.
Rape is rape, whether it is violent or not, a stranger or not, at knifepoint or not. But not every accusation is rape.
Most sexual assault victims are afraid to come forward because they know that they will be doubted and made to feel at fault for the attack. Your examples of horrible people are not reasons to doubt the validity of this claim.

For the record, not that anyone deserves to be accused of rape, but someone hooking up with an engaged woman knows that he is dealing with someone who is lacking morals to begin with.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#33 Jun 11, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
Most sexual assault victims are afraid to come forward because they know that they will be doubted and made to feel at fault for the attack. Your examples of horrible people are not reasons to doubt the validity of this claim.
For the record, not that anyone deserves to be accused of rape, but someone hooking up with an engaged woman knows that he is dealing with someone who is lacking morals to begin with.
Yeah...he was begging for it. Blame the victim.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#34 Jun 11, 2013
itser wrote:
<quoted text>Yeah...he was begging for it. Blame the victim.
Like people do all the time with rape victims?

How about people put more thought into their actions and try to live responsible, ethical lives to begin with instead of complaining about how they have to clean up the mess when it blows up in their faces?

Since: May 13

Monterey, CA

#35 Jun 11, 2013
There's an article on my local TV news page today about a teenager who was left alone in her parents' home for a weekend. She had a few friends over and they texted some other friends. Somehow, this escalated into an open invitation to a house party w/no parents. Approx 300 kids came and trashed the house to the tune of "tens of thousands of dollars." Granted, the teenager in this case is 16, not 18, and granted, you never hear the stories of responsible, aware teenagers taking good care of their parents' homes. However this is your worst case scenario. Search "Aptos house party spirals out of control" for more details.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#36 Jun 11, 2013
I read about that happening in England a couple of years ago.
Kuuipo wrote:
There's an article on my local TV news page today about a teenager who was left alone in her parents' home for a weekend. She had a few friends over and they texted some other friends. Somehow, this escalated into an open invitation to a house party w/no parents. Approx 300 kids came and trashed the house to the tune of "tens of thousands of dollars." Granted, the teenager in this case is 16, not 18, and granted, you never hear the stories of responsible, aware teenagers taking good care of their parents' homes. However this is your worst case scenario. Search "Aptos house party spirals out of control" for more details.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#37 Jun 11, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
There's an article on my local TV news page today about a teenager who was left alone in her parents' home for a weekend. She had a few friends over and they texted some other friends. Somehow, this escalated into an open invitation to a house party w/no parents. Approx 300 kids came and trashed the house to the tune of "tens of thousands of dollars." Granted, the teenager in this case is 16, not 18, and granted, you never hear the stories of responsible, aware teenagers taking good care of their parents' homes. However this is your worst case scenario. Search "Aptos house party spirals out of control" for more details.
Holy cow!

When I was 16, I was allowed to go out and didn't always follow my parents' rules, but there was no way my parents were leaving me and a group of friends alone in their house for the evening. Their rule was no friends in the house when they weren't home, no matter what time of day.

I hope the owners of the house sue the girl(s) who sent the text invitation for damages.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#38 Jun 11, 2013
ScarletandOlive wrote:
I hope the owners of the house sue the girl(s) who sent the text invitation for damages.
My friends invite people to my house, its still my responsibility to keep them out. This is not lawsuit worthy

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#39 Jun 11, 2013
I have to agree with Tonka. There's liability with teenagers. Lots of it. And they sometimes make really stupid choices, even the good kids.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#40 Jun 11, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>My friends invite people to my house, its still my responsibility to keep them out. This is not lawsuit worthy
If someone damages your property, they must replace it. If your friends invite people over and those people damage your property, someone must make you whole.

I am very rarely supportive of our tort system, but the actions of these girls was egregiously irresponsible.

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