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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jun 7, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Vernon" for six months. We were great together from the day we met. It was like we'd known each other forever and could talk for hours. We talked every night and it was amazing.

Two weeks ago, I was raped by a man I thought was a friend. When I told Vernon, he was shocked and didn't know how to handle it. I was hoping we could get past it, but two nights ago he said he can no longer be intimate with me because he feels like he is doing something wrong, or I won't like it. He said he loves talking to me and still wants to be friends.

We have continued talking every night, but it is hard for me to do as just his friend. Do you think he will be able to get over these feelings and be with me again? Should I remain friends when I have feelings for him?-- WANTS MORE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR WANTS MORE: If you haven't already reported the rape to the police, do it now. The man who did this to you needs to be taken out of circulation so he won't harm another woman.

You should be receiving counseling to help you get over what was done to you, and frankly, so should Vernon. Unless he can stop treating you as though you are "untouchable," you should not continue the "friendship," because what he is doing is distancing himself when you need his support the most.

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago I became engaged to a very special man. We have decided to be married during a weeklong cruise we have taken the past two years. We knew some family members might not be able to attend for financial reasons, so we chose to invite only two close friends as witnesses and not have our families there.

My family is OK with our decision, but his family is not pleased. They have been calling him constantly and telling him to change our plans and accommodate them, and frankly, we are sick of it. We know why they're upset, but at the same time this is our day and they should respect our decision.

How can we get them to be more understanding and less disrespectful about how we want our wedding? Please help, because we don't know what else to say to them.-- SOON TO BE NEWLYWEDS

DEAR SOON TO BE NEWLYWEDS: It appears your fiance's family considers weddings to be more about the joining of families and less about the wishes of the individuals involved. They expected to be included, and are hurt because they weren't.

A way to explain your decision would be to make it less about yourselves and more about the fact that you knew some family members could not afford to make this trip, so you plan to have a reception when you return and include everybody.

DEAR ABBY: Next month my husband and I are leaving our 18-year-old son home alone overnight for the first time. We have good neighbors who will keep an eye on things. Although we trust our son, I feel we should let his 16-year-old girlfriend's parents know he will have the house to himself for the night.

I have never met them and don't want to alarm them by calling out of the blue. Do you think I should call them?-- WHAT SHOULD I DO?

DEAR WHAT: Yes. Call, introduce yourself, and suggest that because your teenagers are involved that you meet in person "sometime soon." And while you're making conversation, casually mention that you will be leaving town and your son will be alone overnight for the first time. If you had a 16-year-old daughter, wouldn't you want to know?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Jun 7, 2013
1 I get the feeling your all very young, and the rape was your friend getting drunk and you not wanting to have sex, but had it anyway. Why do I say this? because less than 2 weeks after your rape, you are having sex with you boyfriend again. I just dont think anyone who was really raped would be so anxious to be intimate again so soon.

Or am I way off base here

2 Great way to start off a marriage, let's just alienate everyone.

3 Holy carp lady! The kid is 18, and you cant trust him yet. I smell helicopter mom grease all over you!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Jun 7, 2013
L1: I don't think he sees her as "Untouchable" so much as he is freaked out by her trauma. She needs counseling (and she needs to report that creep to the cops), and if he wants a long term relationship with her, he should go to counseling with her at some point as well.

IF it's worth it, you'll both work on it.

L2: Yeah, yeah, it's your day and you can do what you want. And they shouldn't bug you. But couldn't you do a small ceremony that allows his family to be there (and yours), then take off on the cruise with your two friends along? My mom would be heartbroken if she wasn't there for my wedding. She has said to me, "If you get married again, I don't care where or how you do it, but I want to be there." I'll honor that request.

L3: Just tell your son, "I don't want to hear from the Smiths that Natalie spent the night."

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Jun 7, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 I get the feeling your all very young, and the rape was your friend getting drunk and you not wanting to have sex, but had it anyway. Why do I say this? because less than 2 weeks after your rape, you are having sex with you boyfriend again. I just dont think anyone who was really raped would be so anxious to be intimate again so soon.
Or am I way off base here
I'm going to trust, mainly, that she loves her boyfriend and would never cheat on him. Going from there, maybe she's just shoving the experience way down deep and not dealing with the trauma of it like she should (which could mean it could rear its ugly head later).

Everyone is different, so her reaction is going to be her own.

But honestly, I think the boyfriend's reaction is way more common/natural. If I were raped this weekend, I think Nick would be unable to be intimate for a while, because this would mess with HIS head bigtime, and he'd need time to get *past* it.

SO I don't want to assume she did something wrong (your scenario is not implausible, of course). Just that if they are young, she could be handling this poorly due to immaturity and inexperience.

“Colorful Beyond Words”

Since: May 11

"True Love Never Ends "

#5 Jun 7, 2013
L1 Team Red

L2 Have a wedding reception after the cruise and invite all your family and friends. Dress the part and be done with it.

L3 Set Rules for the son and have some trust. If you find later he broke those ..then deal with it and embarrass him the next time!:)

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#6 Jun 7, 2013
1- Sure hope this is fake. You get r@ped and your biggest concern is how it's affecting your boyfriend?

3- Prepare to be a grandma soon.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Jun 7, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- Sure hope this is fake. You get r@ped and your biggest concern is how it's affecting your boyfriend?
3- Prepare to be a grandma soon.
If it hurts too much or it is too scary to confront how she feels herself, then she puts that concern "onto" her boyfriend.
She will fall apart on her own , just later rather than sooner.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Jun 7, 2013
Lw1: We had a big debate on what is and isn't date rape. I wonder if this dude listened to her description of the event and does not feel she was raped and is now worried that under the wrong circumdtances, she could accuse HIM of rape and therefore, he's out.

Lw2: do what you want, but if you're too stupid to understand that this was going go upset close family members and that you can't just make them not be upset, maybe you're too stupid to get married. You made your bed, now deal with it.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#9 Jun 7, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw2: do what you want, but if you're too stupid to understand that this was going go upset close family members and that you can't just make them not be upset, maybe you're too stupid to get married. You made your bed, now deal with it.
She made it sound like a romantic elopement with an audience.

There is a very different approach between people who see a marriage as a melding of two clans/families and the people who see it as a party at which they get to star. The two can be reconciled but this LW never caught hat in advance.

Remedy. Postpone teh announced wedding, do it in private and have a big party later.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Jun 7, 2013
L1: I'm with Red and PEllen. Vern is understandably freaked and she will be soon. It is a lot to take in. The LW's inability to have a deep discussion about this with her BF means either they aren't as close as she thinks or she's in worse shape than she realizes. I bet on the latter.

L2: Just have a reception when you get back.

L3: This letter is ridiculous. The kid is 18! Lady, you are suppose to be teaching your kids how to be independent, not keeping them dependent!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Jun 7, 2013
LW1: Both of you need to call RAINN.

LW2: Really? YOu can't think of what else to do?

How about having a second ceremony when you return so family could attend? It's not rocket science lady.

LW3: What Red and Hatti said.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#12 Jun 7, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw1: We had a big debate on what is and isn't date rape. I wonder if this dude listened to her description of the event and does not feel she was raped and is now worried that under the wrong circumdtances, she could accuse HIM of rape and therefore, he's out.
Lw2: do what you want, but if you're too stupid to understand that this was going go upset close family members and that you can't just make them not be upset, maybe you're too stupid to get married. You made your bed, now deal with it.
Ah, there you are. You ready to back up you're accusation now, or you gonna admit you're full of sht?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Jun 7, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Ah, there you are. You ready to back up you're accusation now, or you gonna admit you're full of sht?
Huh? I know this wasn't directed at me but your challenge doesn't make sense to me.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Jun 7, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Huh? I know this wasn't directed at me but your challenge doesn't make sense to me.
Does he ever?

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#15 Jun 7, 2013
I could see that first letter a couple different ways...
Vernon does view it as rape and he is concerned that she isn't getting counselling, and he doesn't want to compound the trauma by being intimate with her, which could set off some ugly emotions that he feels she isn't addressing.
Or...he doesn't believe it was actually rape, and he is either worried that she is lying to him about it or worried that she will also falsely accuse him.

Either way, she should be seeing a counselor and she should ask him to go with her. If he really cares about her and saw her as a partner before this, he should be supporting her and also talking out his own feelings. I have seen cases where the boyfriend/husband was more traumatized than the actual rape victim.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#16 Jun 7, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Does he ever?
A lot of times, no. Sometimes he will. It always shocks me when it happens, though.:)

Since: May 13

Monterey, CA

#17 Jun 7, 2013
LW1: Team Red, Toj, squishymama, ant itser. This is very recent. LW is still processing the experience. She is looking to Vern for support and he doesn't know what to do, but he is trying to avoid traumatizing her further. Both should get some counseling to move past this.

LW2: Your original decision is not sitting well with his family. This is your opportunity to change your plans. Ultimately, it is your choice, but I think you should get married close to home and include both families.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#18 Jun 7, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Does he ever?
What short memories we have.

You said I claimed Obama was from Kenya. Either prove it or admit you were full of it. Don't pull an Angela now.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#19 Jun 7, 2013
LW3 - i was told that i was trusted, but it was everyone else who wasn't, so there fore teh wagons were circled. bro was in college before we were left alone overnight. we knew there was an extensive spy network, includeing someone across teh street w. full view of the parkign in front of our house...

am i repressed from it? probably. was there a "better" way to handle it? i don't knwo...

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#20 Jun 7, 2013
Itser! H ope your nonsummer is going well! I moved! I'm on the near East Side of St. Paul, just a few blocks from Metro State. Living in the hood suits me.:)

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