“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Jul 4, 2013
DEAR AMY: My boyfriend of 12 years and I are supposed to move into a house together at the end of this month, but there are problems.

Until now, weíve lived separately. He has a house a half-hour away from mine. Both of us have grown children. While my children have known him for almost all of the 12 years, his children do not even know I exist.
This is an ongoing issue between us. Two weeks ago, he took his oldest daughter (who is 27 and married) to see the house weíre buying. He told her to pick out any bedroom she wanted. He didnít tell her about me.

I was very upset and said that he should tell his kids about me immediately. He got mad and hasnít spoken to me for 10 days. He doesnít take my calls and he doesnít call me. I know from past experience that he is waiting for me to apologize for questioning him.

Iím worn down by all of this and very depressed. Iíve invested a lot of money putting my house on the market, Iíve accepted an offer and the closing is scheduled. Am I making a huge mistake or can this relationship somehow work? Please help me.-- Fretting

DEAR FRETTING: Because you have made the shocking choice to accept an offer on your house and invest in another under such dicey circumstances, Iím going to leave my sometimes cozy perch, grab my megaphone and tell you, no, no, no, no!

This relationship will never work. Every single thing about it is so off-kilter that I can only imagine that you checked your brain, along with your self-esteem, somewhere along the way.

Take this current crisis as a wake-up call that will change the course of your future in a very positive way. Do whatever is necessary to extricate yourself from this house deal and start fresh. Do not communicate with this man again. Put as much distance as possible between you. His refusal to acknowledge you to others effectively negates your very existence. Please, reconnect with who you are and start your life anew.

DEAR AMY: My father is in his mid-80s and in poor health. Mom died several years ago.

Dad has always been miserable. He never really had a kind word to say to anyone, complained almost constantly and basically has always been a mean and miserable guy.

At my workplace in the past six months we have had five elderly parents of co-workers pass away. Collections were taken, cards sent and services have been held for these family members. That got me pondering the demise of our dad and how I will not have the same kind of grief as my co-workers. Two of my brothers have already indicated they will not attend any kind of service for him.

How do people have and hold funerals or services for family members that were not loved? Are the services just kept private? When co-workers express feelings of sorrow to me am I being a hypocrite because I will not have much regard for his loss? Some insight would be appreciated.-- Not Sad for Dad

DEAR NOT SAD: There is no requirement (social or otherwise) to hold a service after your fatherís death. It isnít all that unusual for families to have small private services, or no service at all.

You are a lucky person to work in such a compassionate environment. When co-workers (or others) express their sympathy, focus on their actions and intent. If you donít want to discuss the back story behind your relationship with your father, you respond,ďThank you so much for your concern. It means a lot. We arenít holding a service (or Ďweíre having a private serviceí).Ē

DEAR AMY: A reader wrote to you saying that men seldom criticize one another about working (or not working) outside the home. You concurred that you ďnever hear men judging one anotherís choices in quite this way.Ē

The reason is simple: Most men simply donít have the choice of whether to work or stay home raising children.-- Logical

DEAR LOGICAL: Absolutely.
Stina

Ronkonkoma, NY

#2 Jul 4, 2013
Thanks for posting!!!

LW1: I can't believe you tolerated this for so long! His 27 yo daughter is marries... so your long-time BFs daughter was married and YOU WEREN'T INVITED??? Has it ever occurred to you that maybe he was married a good portion of the time you've been together and that he is only now divorced? Now he doesn't know how to introduce you to his kids without them finding out that for 12 years he's been cheating on their mom.

LW2: What Amy said. Just say you are having a private service or that your Dad requested that he didn't want a service. No biggie. When they offer sympathies or send a card or something, just thank them. When a manager at work's parent died and I offered condolences, he said thank you and had no problem mentioning that he and his dad weren't close and they weren't doing much.

LW3: Tell that to my ex, after over 5 years, still won't get a job.
liner

Patchogue, NY

#3 Jul 4, 2013
L1: Wait....his 27 year old married daughter is "picking out her own bedroom"?
LOL!!!
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

#4 Jul 4, 2013
Stina and liner....you hit it on the nose. When his daughter comes over to sleep in her bedroom, he'll probably ask his livein to leave for the weekend and she is so stupid she will. Then we'll read another letter to Amy asking what she should do about it.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#5 Jul 4, 2013
LW1: "...While my children have known him for almost all of the 12 years, his children do not even know I exist...he took his oldest daughter (who is 27 and married) to see the house weíre buying. He told her to pick out any bedroom she wanted. He didnít tell her about me.
I was very upset and said that he should tell his kids about me immediately. He got mad and hasnít spoken to me for 10 days. He doesnít take my calls and he doesnít call me. I know from past experience that he is waiting for me to apologize for questioning him.

LW, YOU ARE TOO EFFING DUMB TO LIVE. An amoeba is a genius compared to you. I'm horrified that you've already bred and are spreading your 1000x-dumber-than-a-box-of-roc ks genes throughout the planet. God help us all.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 5 min wojar 179,265
Do you find smoking attractive? (No posts about... 31 min Bigdaddy 5
Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 42 min sonicfilter 1,124,815
Messianic Jews say they are persecuted in Israel (Jun '08) 1 hr Frijoles 69,969
Chicago a model city 4 hr Just me 6
Father Of Hans Peterson Speaks Out (Oct '07) 5 hr Getagrip 44
Ill. House Approves Legalizing Same-Sex Civil U... (Dec '10) 5 hr Boy G 50,587
Chicago Dating
Find my Match

Chicago Jobs

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

Chicago News, Events & Info

Click for news, events and info in Chicago

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]