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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Feb 26, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I'm incredibly fond of my friend "Russell." He is always supportive, considerate and kind to me. However, I know that he is into S&M and this worries me, as I can't reconcile the two different people -- a gentle person with someone wanting to dominate and possibly hurt a woman in bed.

Should I be worried that Russell is hiding a dark side that will eventually come out and ruin our friendship?-- WORRIED FRIEND IN AUSTRALIA

DEAR WORRIED: You and Russell must be very close friends if he is describing his sexual practices with you. My experts tell me that acting out on aggressive fantasies does not necessarily mean a person IS aggressive.

As long as your relationship remains platonic, what he does in the bedroom shouldn't affect it. But if you're considering taking your friendship with Russell to another level, it's important that you talk further about this. If this isn't something you're interested in exploring -- and it isn't for everyone -- then draw the line or move on.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old girl, and my mother just got home from rehab. I have been living with my grandmother for a year and a half.

I want to tell my mother my feelings, but I don't want to hurt her. I love her, but I'm still not over what she has done. She is barely home. She has meetings, and she likes to stay with her boyfriend. I think it's too soon. She came home only a week ago. What do I do, Abby?-- CONFUSED TEEN

DEAR CONFUSED: You have my sympathy. I hope your mother's rehabilitation will be successful. It's good that she is going to meetings, and I agree with you that it's too soon for her to be staying with her boyfriend.

However, she's unlikely to accept hearing it from you or me, which is why you should talk to your grandmother about your feelings. Your mother might accept it if she hears from your grandmother that should there be any "bumps" in her relationship with this man -- and there usually are a few -- that they could jeopardize her sobriety.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 19-month-old son, "Nicky." He stays at my in-laws' house most days while my husband and I work. Lately, I've noticed when I go to pick him up that Grandma and Grandpa like to give him "kiss attacks," where they hold him "hostage" and give him several kisses.

Sometimes he lets them, and it's not a problem. Other times he squirms, whines and tells them no. It's painful to watch, especially when they respond with, "I know you're not going to like this, but I'm going to do it anyway."

I think this is a huge violation of my son's boundaries. It teaches him he should just give in because nobody cares that he's uncomfortable. My husband thinks Nicky is too young to understand, and that it's not going to hurt him to have extra affection.

I'm an affectionate person who likes to hug and kiss my son, too, but if he's not in the mood, I let him be. Who is right?-- LOVING MOMMY IN COLORADO

DEAR LOVING MOMMY: You are. Affection is something welcome. If you don't want it, it's not affection. The most significant issues in child development have to do with nurturing and building trust. However well meant, holding a child "hostage" is more a display of power than affection.

If your in-laws stopped "attacking," your son would be more likely to seek their affection when he wants it. A better way to demonstrate their love for him would be to do something creative, like draw a picture showing their affection for him.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#2 Feb 26, 2014
1- It's a release. People like that are LESS likely to be violent outside of the bedroom

2- Well, not much you can do on this one

3- I say get over it and relax, me thinks you're exaggerating. Grand parents hug and kiss babies. They're not "attacking" him.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Feb 26, 2014
1 If you want to try a little, just ask.

2 Therapy for you missy.

3 Yeah, I am sure the kid is gonna wind up damaged because he grandparents kissed him too much as a child. Happens all the time.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#4 Feb 26, 2014
LW1: LW does know that odds are that his partners are willing participants, right?

Good advice for LW2. She got a crap deal, but maybe grandma can intervene.

LW3: Agree with dog and race

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#5 Feb 26, 2014
LW1 - How do you know this? WHY do you know this??? Like I said the other day, what exactly people do in the bedroom (kitchen, living room, whatever....) is PRIVATE unless they happen to be doing it with you.

Regardless, kink is Cowboys & Indians....Cops & Robbers....Batman & Catwoman...it's PLAY!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Feb 26, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
LW1: LW does know that odds are that his partners are willing participants, right?
Odds? She said he's into S&M, not rape. Unless this dude is a rapist, its a guarantee that they are willing.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Feb 26, 2014
L1: Different strokes for different folks. What Abby said.

L2: How sad.

L3: He's going to end up hating to get any hugs and kisses from grandma and grandpa if they force it on him.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Feb 26, 2014
LW1: "Should I be worried that Russell is hiding a dark side that will eventually come out and ruin our friendship?"

No. And if you'd like to try it, I'm sure he'd be gentle.

LW2: What, no suggestion to attend Al-Anon? They would help her understand what's going on with mama.

LW3: They should stop this if/when he says no. It sets a terrible precedent for boundary-setting/ignoring. Just ask them to stop it if he objects.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#9 Feb 26, 2014
1. If you already know about the S&M he is not hiding anything. With deference to Squishy, while bondage could be gentle, S&M by definition would not be.
If this skeeves you out, don't progress to a level where sex is involved. One of you will be really unhappy if you do.

2.I'm unclear. Does Mom want the LW to move back with her? Or does LW just need a pace to vent about how she feels about mom and her addiction.?

Either way, its a rough place to be especially at 14.

3. I disagree with Dog. The kid who can't get away from unwanted physical intrusion however well intentioned is not going to respect other people who say No. As the twig is bent so grows the tree.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#10 Feb 26, 2014
PEllen wrote:
3. I disagree with Dog. The kid who can't get away from unwanted physical intrusion however well intentioned is not going to respect other people who say No. As the twig is bent so grows the tree.
Who as a kid actually LIKED being kissed by grandma or auntie or whoever? We've all had kisses forced on us as kids and most of us are just fine

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#11 Feb 26, 2014
For a while I did not want to hug and kiss my grandma, but I was made to do it. Did not seem to hurt me, I'm practically normal.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#12 Feb 26, 2014
LW1: I think if women who are into that can trust him to respect their boundaries and feel safe doing that with him you can probably trust him to respect your boundaries within the confines of a platonic relationship.

You are also just friends … not sex partners. If you were interested in sex with him and knew that was his thing and knew it definitely was not your thing, I could understand your apprehension.

LW2: Talk to your grandma and see if you can just stay with her.

LW3: I think you are exaggerating with this “kiss attacks” and being “held hostage” speak.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#13 Feb 26, 2014
LW1 probably also fears that any gay friends she has will try to turn her gay.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Feb 26, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Who as a kid actually LIKED being kissed by grandma or auntie or whoever? We've all had kisses forced on us as kids and most of us are just fine
I'm thinking the LW was speaking about someone wrapping up the kid where s/he can't move arms and legs -- kind of swooped up in a kiss/hug "attack".

I side with PEllen. Some, not all, can learn the lesson that they need to give in to people. Sets them up in a bad position for any and all bad people they encounter in life that are older and/or are in a position of authority.

Kids need to learn respect and have respect of their own boundaries in turn.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#15 Feb 26, 2014
"And when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall"

Some people just don't want to be touched.
My cat's like that too. She hates to be petted..
She was born feral and someone was able to trap the litter of kittens, but not the mom. She was too foxy for a mean old tap.
I think it's instinctive to some degree. A survival mechanism..

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#16 Feb 26, 2014
looney as a J-bird I tell ya.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#17 Feb 26, 2014
It seems that S&M has a broader definition than I knew. S&M encompasses many things, and they're not all
violent, and can be gentle. It's an umbrella term, especially when used by
people who are not familiar with that sort of stuff apparently.

I see LW 3 describing something akin to a tickler who will not stop when asked and who gets as much pleasure out of forcing the kid to put up with it as it is an expression of love..

Some little kids like being hugged and getting big sloppy kisses on their heads and some don't. You take your cues from the kid. An affectionate noogie can convey... affection. Being grabbed and slobbered over by someone who says they don't care how you feel sounds overwhelming and invasive.

Grandma is going to wonder why the kid doesn't want t come over and she is going to blame LW

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#18 Feb 26, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm thinking the LW was speaking about someone wrapping up the kid where s/he can't move arms and legs -- kind of swooped up in a kiss/hug "attack".
I side with PEllen. Some, not all, can learn the lesson that they need to give in to people. Sets them up in a bad position for any and all bad people they encounter in life that are older and/or are in a position of authority.
Kids need to learn respect and have respect of their own boundaries in turn.
The kid is a dam year and a half old. He won't even remember any of this. I doubt the grandparents are gonna act this way when he's five, hell be big and they will be too old to snatch him up and hold him hostage. The mother is over reacting and her helicopter is showing

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#19 Feb 26, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
The kid is a dam year and a half old. He won't even remember any of this. I doubt the grandparents are gonna act this way when he's five, hell be big and they will be too old to snatch him up and hold him hostage. The mother is over reacting and her helicopter is showing
Nope. The mom is protecting her young.

My bro and SIL are helicopter parents. I have seen up close how that works. I have also seen what the long term effects of helicoptering are 25 years out. Not pretty

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Feb 26, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Nope. The mom is protecting her young.
That does not negate dog's claim. The foundation of helicoptering is a misguided attempt to protect your young.

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