“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jun 11, 2013
Dear Amy: I have been in a relationship for almost four years with a great man. He has three children from a previous marriage, whom I love dearly. I have a problem with their biological mother. Basically, she is no mother I am serving that role and have been for a long time.

The last time she spent any considerable amount of time with the kids was last August. Since then, she has only seen them once, for less than an hour. The father has full custody.

She has not paid a penny in child support, even though she has a court order. She has had her driver's license pulled because of her refusal to pay, yet she still drives around.

The children continually ask when they will see her I don't know what to say. Since August she has not called, emailed, sent a text or tried in any way to see her kids!

I don't know what to do. The children are catching on that she isn't there.

I am fed up!

Should we tell her (if she ever does call) that she should just leave everyone alone? I am about ready to flip my lid some days. I love these children as my own and have cared about them for four years. Their Other Mother

Dear Other Mother: Your role in the lives of these children is to offer them a secure emotional attachment and a consistently mature reaction to the chronic disappointment of their mother.

Of course you are fed up with her. She has abandoned her children. Because of this, you should treat her absence as a loss for the children and help them to handle it appropriately. You don't have to worry about telling her to get lost because that already happened.

You don't say anything about their father. He should take the lead in helping them with this. You should be circumspect and kind. Do not detail their mother's deficits. Do not talk about child support. When they ask when they'll see her, you say, "I haven't heard from her for a while. Have you?" They may worry about her; you should encourage them to talk and help them to grieve. And if they want to see her, you and their father should do everything possible to try to make this happen. You don't have to point out what a loser their mother is. On many levels they are already figuring this out.

Dear Amy: My wife is a great cook and baker, and on the rare occasions when we entertain at home she is known for putting out veritable feasts.

Our problem is this: We are two of a group of six people who usually dine in restaurants together. However, when my wife prepares a home meal, one of the couples insists on reciprocating by inviting us to dine at their home.

Unfortunately, the woman (who thinks she is a great cook) has prepared meals that are absolutely inedible. Even the dog refused to take scraps under the table.

How do we avoid a reciprocal invitation without hurting her feelings? A Refined Palate

Dear Refined: You may have a refined palate, but you don't know the first thing about being a refined guest, bub.

It is the height of bad taste to offer your food to the dog under the table (I hope you didn't really do this). It is also in poor taste (so to speak) to compare one cook with another.

If you can't find a way to suffer through a meal at this home graciously, you could end these invitations by telling the hostess the truth about you that you are an unreconstructed snob.

Dear Amy: Your answer to "AG" made me cheer. He was upset because his teenage kids received $25 gift checks from an aunt. He thought this was cheap.

People wonder where kids get their entitled attitudes? Disgusted

Dear Disgusted: Look no further than the parents.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Jun 11, 2013
1- Considering there is such little contact with this woman, not really sure what your problem is.

2- Reminds me of last Friday. The lovely and beautiful ladies I had the pleasure of meeting with for dinner, made ME sit under the table and fed me scraps. Then they took turns kicking me.

But Amy, give the dude a break. Some people are horrible cooks. Dude should appreciate her offer but turn her down gracefully.

3- I think Democrats are to blame for people's entitled attitude.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Jun 11, 2013
L1 The kids caught on a long time ago. Even an infant knows when Mom isn't there.If you have been there 4 years, the kids are at least 4 and up, probably older.They found someone else to fill the role. Your outrage will b vindicated as they gt older and don't want to see her when she wants to re-kindle the relationship. And if that is not the way it works out, your mantra should be "She will always be their mommy".
L2 Eat at home first and nibble at dinner at their house. Problem solved.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#4 Jun 11, 2013
1 Looks like you have a decision to make. Either get hitched to that fella and adopt his kids and make them truly yours or pull up stakes and get out of town.

2 Thats why your fat and her husband is thin.

3 Do you keep these stupid reply's in one of those bingo baskets and roll them around and pull one out everyday?
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#5 Jun 11, 2013
LW1: Why are you fed up? Did Dad pull you into his life to be a live-in babysitter, and you're really fed up with both of the parents of the children in question? Every time I've seen a maybe-to-be-stepmom reacting in this fashion, that's been more the reason--not only has the mom abandoned the kids, but the dad is not really an involved father.

You have a decision to make here: either you need to get full in and realize that means you're going to a full-time mother to four children (and Dad then really isn't going to change from his status quo), or you need to remove yourself from the situation.
liner

Patchogue, NY

#6 Jun 11, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- Considering there is such little contact with this woman, not really sure what your problem is.
2- Reminds me of last Friday. The lovely and beautiful ladies I had the pleasure of meeting with for dinner, made ME sit under the table and fed me scraps. Then they took turns kicking me.
But Amy, give the dude a break. Some people are horrible cooks. Dude should appreciate her offer but turn her down gracefully.
3- I think Democrats are to blame for people's entitled attitude.
L1: Agree, but her problem just might be the "child support" issue she sort of slipped in there? Didn't say how old the "kids" were....if they were in their 20s, that would be a different story from, say, if they were all under 10.
L2: Most dogs I've been around would pretty much eat ANYTHING, including used diapers out of the trash can! Not that YOU would of course..:)

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#7 Jun 11, 2013
Get outta my head!
pde wrote:
You have a decision to make here: either you need to get full in and realize that means you're going to a full-time mother to four children (and Dad then really isn't going to change from his status quo), or you need to remove yourself from the situation.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#8 Jun 11, 2013
liner wrote:
<quoted text>
L1: Agree, but her problem just might be the "child support" issue she sort of slipped in there? Didn't say how old the "kids" were....if they were in their 20s, that would be a different story from, say, if they were all under 10.
Wonder if the lw is just bitter. She's taken up the role of mother to these kids, and now she might be a little "possessive" of them, and maybe a bit jealous of the bio mom.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#9 Jun 11, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
Dear Amy: I have been in a relationship for almost four years with a great man. He has three children from a previous marriage, whom I love dearly. I have a problem with their biological mother. Basically, she is no mother I am serving that role and have been for a long time.

I am fed up!
Should we tell her (if she ever does call) that she should just leave everyone alone? I am about ready to flip my lid some days. I love these children as my own and have cared about them for four years. Their Other Mother
Dear Other Mother: You don't have to worry about telling her to get lost because that already happened.
You don't say anything about their father.
Didn't LW1 say he was a great guy and that she loves him dearly?
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#10 Jun 11, 2013
LW1 - I am with RACE and PDE here. I worry that, if the LW and BF break up, though, it will be devastating for those kids. She needs to make a decision.

LW2: LW sounds like a pompous PITA. I like dog's suggestion.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#11 Jun 11, 2013
L1. Who appointed you judge and jury?
I am not prepared to excuse anyone's behavior here, but for you it is probably not a good idea to carry around so much resentment towards other people.
Who is to say that the mother is not suffering from emotional health issues and feels pushed out of the picture?
I need more detailed information to form an unbiased opinion.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#12 Jun 11, 2013
Well, you dont have more information, so if you cant form an unbiased opinion, then form a biased one.
loose cannon wrote:
L1. Who appointed you judge and jury?
I am not prepared to excuse anyone's behavior here, but for you it is probably not a good idea to carry around so much resentment towards other people.
Who is to say that the mother is not suffering from emotional health issues and feels pushed out of the picture?
I need more detailed information to form an unbiased opinion.

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