“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jun 6, 2014
DEAR AMY: I am a gay man and am having a horrible time coming out to my mother. I have an amazing boyfriend, and I love him dearly but it hurts not being able to tell her that I am gay.

She basically thinks that I am trying to "pray away the gay," which is something she applauds.

She is very religious and it scares me because we are so close, and I don't want to lose her.

I lose sleep over this because part of me thinks she knows and is in denial. I don't exactly try to hide it, but when I'm around her I take extra measures like changing the background photo on my phone to a random picture.

I don't know what to do. I want to be honest but I don't want to lose my mom because of her religion. Please help me.-- Desperate to Come Out

DEAR DESPERATE: Your mother might already realize you're gay and is making her own choice to basically ignore it. In this sense, you are both holding on to a version of you that is part fiction.

You should try to help your mother along -- and you can start by not overtly lying to her.

Don't deliberately hide aspects of yourself when you are with her. Keep a photo of you and your guy on your phone's home screen, if that's what is normally there.

Introduce your amazing boyfriend to her, but use neutral terminology for now.

If your mother is so religious that she cannot accept you being gay, then you should be able to at least count on her "forgiving" you for your transgression against humanity.

I realize that being forgiven for a crime you haven't committed is several steps below authentic acceptance, but this may be the best she can do, in which case your job will be to forgive her for her frailties and failings. Ultimately, if she can't accept you, it is not her religion's responsibility -- it is hers.

DEAR AMY: I have been seeing my boyfriend for a year and a half. We have a great relationship. He has joint custody of his child and we get along wonderfully too.

He has his own place, and I live with a roommate.

I want to move in together and he doesn't. He says that because of the horrible end to his marriage (over eight years ago) he vowed to never again put himself in the position of living with someone and getting burned. He says he loves me very much and wants me in his life forever but cannot ever see us living together.

He is faithful, and I have no worry about other women.

I don't want a part-time boyfriend for the rest of my life but he says he isn't sure if it will change. He wants his space a few days a week and is happy the way things are.

What should I do?-- Frustrated

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your guy is happy the way things are, and many people would find this living situation ideal. Blending a full-time partner into a family that is clicking along on its own is challenging. Exposing himself and his child to a full-time relationship creates some vulnerability for both of them.

This is a "take it or leave it" proposition. I hope you will continue to enjoy this relationship for as long as you can. But realize that if you want a full-time partner, you will have to find him elsewhere.

DEAR AMY: Your advice to "Bad Son" was bad. He has one mother who raised him.

He must attend his mother (not wife) on Mother's Day. He says "I don't blame my wife for not wanting to include my mom." But why does he need her permission to do what is his responsibility?

She should be thinking about her mom. These young parents need to set a good example to the children by honoring the grandmother and then the mother. That way the children will do the same when they grow up and have their own family.-- Man Fan

DEAR FAN: Very sage advice. Thank you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Warwick, RI

#2 Jun 6, 2014
1- what the hell kind of image do you normally have on your phone? Just don't be so flaming around her, she'll come to terms with it eventually

2- he sounds incredibly insecure. I think you should move on

3- jeebus, what's wrong with honoring both your mother and the mother of your children on mother's day?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jun 6, 2014
1 Maybe your not really gay, maybe your not sure and will end up straight? I've seen this said for straight men who later turn gay.

2 Not the droid you're looking for, move along.

3 Yeah, abandoning your wife and kids on mothers day sets a great learning example for your kids to follow.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#4 Jun 6, 2014
LW1 - Why don't you let your mom deal with what is HER issue, not yours? You are gay. You have a wonderful boyfriend. You are not trying to "pray away the gay." Muster up enough courage to admit this to your mother and let the chips fall where they may.

LW2 - Leave. This is, apparently, a deal breaker for you, so break the deal. Stop holding your breath until he changes. You are going to suffocate.

LW3 - What Race said.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#5 Jun 6, 2014
1: So mom is supposed to forgive her son for something that he is continuing to do? Is that what Amy thinks the mom's religion teaches? As far as I know, you forgive people for past sins - not ones they continue to practice on a regular basis. That would be like telling someone you forgive him for murdering, raping, stealing... on a continuing basis and knowing he's going to continue to do this for the rest of his life. As far as I've been taught, you forgive people for things they've done in the past, are sorry for it, and are doing their best to never do it again. So Amy really messed up on this one. I have no idea where her head is. My comment has nothing to do with my opinion about homosexuality. It has to do with Amy's expectation that a religious person would "forgive" a person for continually doing something they believe is a sin. I guess there are those who do this. I mean from what I've seen, Catholic priests continually forgive sinners for ongoing sins as long as they continually confess them and give nice donations to the Church or especially if it's a fellow priest sexually molesting little kids. But that isn't scriptural.

However, I agree with Amy that this lw should not try to hide his sexual orientation from his mom. So for now, the lw should act like his real self around his mom. At some point, he will probably have a conversation with her about his homosexuality but it will ease in better if for awhile if he behaves as his real self. At some point, the mom will have to decide whether she will accept him as he is and realize his so-called sin is his own to deal with and not hers to worry about or she will be the one to end her relationship with him. If the latter, I hope the lw realizes that it's her, not him.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#6 Jun 6, 2014
2: Again, Amy messed up. She hopes "you will continue to enjoy this relationship for as long as you can." So she wants you to waste more years on this man. There's a child involved here as well. Your supposed to get the child even more attached to you over the next how many years and then dump her/him along with the dad? This just doesn't make sense to me. I also don't think it's modeling good behavior for the child. So leave and find yourself someone who loves you enough to want to make the commitment of a lifetime together rather than living a life on the sidelines. At this point, that's what you're doing - living on the sideline of your boyfriend and his child.

3: The more letters of this kind that I read, the more I'm glad I gave up all this nonsense over 40 years ago.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Jun 6, 2014
L1: I agree with Amy. He shouldn't change who he is but be thoughtful. If he has to change who he is, they're really not all that close.

L2: You can ask 1,000 people and the answer will remain the same. You have to either accept it or move on.

L3: What's wrong with these people that they can't balance their wife, mother and MIL for one day. If someone expect the whole day simply say you can't but still honor them in some way.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#8 Jun 6, 2014
LW2 has a boyfriend who has said he "doesn't want to be burned again." He has implied between the lines he thinks she will burn him.
Chances are she will not find a realistic way to enjoy a relationship like this as it is.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#9 Jun 6, 2014
LW1: I know a gay man with a religious mother. He is 40 years old and he has been out for 20 years. He loves her and wants her acceptance but her beliefs are very rigid. They have a relationship somewhat like LW's. Don't assume this will get better. It is possible that what LW has now is as good as it's going to get.

LW2: You have to decide it you want the man as is or if you want a live-in relationship. If you really want to live with someone, you will need to move on.

LW3: So why do you have to celebrate two women who clearly do not get along on the same day? You can celebrate Mother's Day one day or one week early with one of them.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Jun 6, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
2- he sounds incredibly insecure. I think you should move on
Actually, he sounds very secure. If he were insecure, he would likely be bending over backwards to gain her approval and agree to her moving in. Instead he's being crystal clear about what he wants.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Jun 6, 2014
RACE wrote:
3 Yeah, abandoning your wife and kids on mothers day sets a great learning example for your kids to follow.
exactly what i was thinking. This lw is an attention wh-0-re who can't deal with the fact that now she get's less attention

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