“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Nov 19, 2012
DEAR AMY: After 43 years of marriage, my mother discovered my father's affair. Since then, they have been on a two-year roller-coaster ride of recommitting to their marriage and my father relapsing into the affair every few months.

Several months ago their relationship reached its breaking point and my father seemed to see the light. My parents finally started seeing a therapist and they told me that things were better than ever.

However, it just came to light that my father is still in contact with his girlfriend. My mother won't leave him, even though his behavior has made her a shell of the person she once was and every day is a struggle for her.

My father wants me to forgive him again, but I told him I cannot trust him. I have a family of my own and this has brought sadness and anxiety into our home. I've realized that I have no power to help them and I want to get off this roller coaster, but I don't know how.

My gut is telling me to end communication, but my heart is telling me that it is not the answer.-- Motion Sick

DEAR MOTION SICK: You have rightly identified your powerlessness over your father's behavior and your mother's choice to stay in the marriage. However, I don't think that ceasing communication is necessary, and it could impact your mother negatively.

You should seek to arrive at that tender spot of equilibrium where you don't get sucked into their marital drama but provide emotional support and a decent relationship with both of them. You can forgive your father his ample failings as a person and a husband, but you are prudent to withhold your trust until he demonstrates that he is worthy of it.

In addition to marriage counseling, your mother should see a counselor on her own. She needs and deserves to pour out her heart and frustration to a dispassionate listener who can help her navigate this ongoing challenge and deal with her depression. You should be in her corner no matter what she decides.

DEAR AMY: I play hockey on a girls' team. There is one hockey mom who is always yelling at her daughter. It's irritating to the people sitting around her because she has a shrill, whiny voice and yells at the players as if she is the coach. She is also very critical of our playing. How can I tell her to stop yelling at the players without hurting/offending her?-- Annoyed Hockey Player

DEAR ANNOYED: Your job is to skate, shoot and score. I realize that the screechings of spectators is distracting and annoying, but you should consider this one more challenge that will greet you on the ice. After all, it's ice hockey -- not a tea party.

Other spectators may find ways to shush this woman, or your coach may have to find a way to rein her in. If it's bad enough during a game, the refs could also attempt to freeze her out. Short of direct interference with the game (such as throwing something on the ice or physically interfering with play), I could not find any rule dictating motherly yelling from the stands.

You can tell this mom how distracting and distressing her yelling is, but you will definitely hurt/offend her. She sounds like a hothead. You should feel compassion for her daughter.

DEAR AMY: "Grateful" expressed a desire to thank his girlfriend's parents for always picking up the dinner check. I loved your advice to send them a note and offer to do something nice for them like outdoor chores or make a home-cooked meal.

Mainly I appreciated hearing from a young person who was searching for ways to express his gratitude. I agree with you that he deserves a "Good Conduct" medal.-- Tickled

DEAR TICKLED: Many readers had a similar reaction. Thank you all.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Nov 19, 2012
L1: Why do you need to forgive your father? this is between him and your mother -- his wife. I think they've involved you way too much in the inner workings of their marriage. I think you need to stop with the judging (affairs are bad, yes, but your mom is making herself into a victim). My friend's parents divorced six years ago after 42 years. She said it was rough at first, but now each parent is thriving and happier then before. She thinks it was for the best.

L2: This is a job for the other parents, not kids. Sadly, the other parents will be spineless and won't speak up. Sorry, kid. Do better when you're an adult, please.

However, I think it'd be hilarious for a kid to stop playing, skate to the boards, face that parent and tell her to shut the hell up.

L3: So your faith in this nation's young people has been restored. Oh goody.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Nov 19, 2012
L2- This is to Matilda: do they red card hockey fans like they would in soccer?

L1 I agree with Red. I find it significant that Dad keeps going back to the same mistress. To me that means that the relationship has some depth to it and that maybe you ought to also think about your mom's role in the drama. FWIW I don't think your dad wants to marry the other woman or he would have left your mom a while back

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#4 Nov 19, 2012
L1: He's hurting your mother, you have allegiance to both parents, if you have your father in your life you probably feel like you are not being loyal to mom. This is their problem. Your dad has big problems being faithful. You have big problems separating yourself -- understandable -- a lot of people do. Go to counselling a few times. They will have ideas on how to handle this that is best for you.

L2: I've known people like that mother. Talk to the coach, the coach will have to deal with it.

L3: Anyone want to buy me dinner? I'll be grateful and write a note.:)

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#5 Nov 19, 2012
1 Sorry, I disagree, if they are causing you stress, then you need to shut them out and protect yourself. After all, it really is between them.

2 I will let matilda answer for me.

3 I think a note and a movie pass should be fine. Then he can bop the daughter while they are at the movies.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Nov 19, 2012
LW1: Just stay out of it and let them deal with their marriage.

LW2: IF anyone should deal with it, it should be the coach or the refs.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#7 Nov 19, 2012
PEllen wrote:
L2- This is to Matilda: do they red card hockey fans like they would in soccer?
I've never seen it. I imagine it would only happen if she was screaming obscenities, because a hockey game is not quiet like a golf game. At our rink, they have signs by the benches that say "Parents of players not allowed beyond this point" or something like that, and you can close the door. That mutes a fair amount of spectator sound.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#8 Nov 19, 2012
I asked a coach friend and he says the refs can get people ejected. He's seen it happen twice in the last year alone.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#9 Nov 19, 2012
^^ These are junior high age kids he coaches.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#10 Nov 19, 2012
I have never come so close to losing my sh1t in a hockey game as I did last night. Very close game and the defensemen from the other team were basically falling down any time anyone came close to them, then looking to the refs to call a penalty on us, which worked a couple times. I can't help it if you can't f'n skate, you loser babies. I'm sure the entire crowd could tell what I was saying.
Sam I Am

Cedar Grove, TN

#11 Nov 19, 2012
1. I would tell dad to piss off. You know the saying "The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother?" Well, he's not doing this. He is being an a-hole to the LW's mother. I think he is doing so, in part, because there have been no real consequences. His wife is nog leaving him, his kids are still talking to him. He is a scumbag.

2. Talk to the coach. If her behavior is that obnoxious, she can be banned from watching.

3. Nice people are nice.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#12 Nov 19, 2012
I don't think the mom is that great, either. Willingly and knowingly taking back her husband, despite knowing he has a girlfriend, is all on her. She was free to stay split up.

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