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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jul 29, 2013
Dear Amy: I am worried that my husband of 20 years is gay and will eventually divorce me. We have three children. We both want a stable family life, but I just can't help thinking that our lackluster marriage will eventually end.

I have no proof of any homosexual thoughts/actions, but my husband has been growing ever more distant over the years. I have voiced suspicions of his orientation at times (he has several gay family members), but he denies it.

Intimacy always has to be initiated by him, and it may only occur once or twice a month. We have been to marriage counseling, but we made no progress.

The main problem for me is the lack of affection or real devotion from him. It seems he prefers to avoid me by working late hours and always going to bed later than I do.

We both cope by pretending there are no issues but I am afraid he may jump the gun and divorce me. He is a hardworking, nice guy (to everyone) so he is not unbearable. I only work part time and cannot support myself at this time. Please tell me if there is something I should be doing.-- Worried Wife

Dear Wife: Questioning your husband's sexuality because he is distant from you will cause him to be defensive and will not yield a truthful answer.

You should try counseling again with a simple goal of honest and open communication (rather than forcing the larger issue). You would also benefit from counseling on your own.

The best way to secure your future is to be brave enough to stand independently. If you don't want your marriage to be the way it is, then challenge your husband to work with you to change it. If he refuses to make an effort, then you have a big decision to make -- to be self-supporting and independent.

Dear Amy: I'm 20 years old and I've been with my boyfriend for five years. We are planning on getting married once we both finish school. I'm currently living with my parents so I can pay for school. My sister "Mary" is 16; she is an aggressive person and knows how to irritate a person to the point that things blow up. She is my mother's baby and has always gotten away with her behavior.

My boyfriend also has a quick temper and gets irritated with her treating me badly. After a huge screaming match, my boyfriend decided he no longer wants to be around her, including holidays and family vacations. I feel like I'm being forced to choose family or the man I plan on spending my life with.

I know I'm young, but I love him and my family loves him. I've communicated to my sister and boyfriend that there needs to be a change in the way we interact. Both tell me that it'll never happen and there is no point in trying. What do I do?-- Sad

Dear Sad: On one hand, I think your boyfriend is doing the right thing by staying away from a family dynamic he cannot change.

On the other, if you allow his -- or your sister's -- behavior to control you, you are contributing to the unhealthy dynamic. If your boyfriend wants to keep his distance, then let him.

Unless she matures and changes, your sister could continue to be a divisive person in your life -- if you let her. If you notice a pattern that she drives off other people you care about, then you will have to determine not to be her victim and work hard to disengage.

Dear Amy: I had to laugh out loud when I read the letter from "Under Pressure in D.C.," whose 3-year-old son carried his blanket around!

I'm 55 years old and still have my blanket. It has been repaired by my grandma, borrowed by friends who faced crises, traveled Europe and Mexico, and celebrates with me on my birthday.

My blanket is a tattered wreck now, but I intend to frame it with a little hammer to break the glass in case of emergency!-- Blanketed in Seattle

Dear Blanketed: I find these testimonials to "blankie" heartwarming.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#2 Jul 29, 2013
1: Regardless of his sexual preference, he's just not into you. Time to put on your big girl pants, find suitable work to support yourself, and either ge counseling or see a lawyer.

2: Your sister is a byotch, and I salute your BF for cutting her BS out of his life. Why in heaven's name is this a problem for you? She's a negative influence and you are probably close to finished with school. Do likewise ASAP if she refuses to treat you with respect.

3: I find these testimonials to "blankie" stupid.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Jul 29, 2013
L1: Or because you are so insecure, he avoids you because you've sucked the life out of this relationship. Yes, more marriage counseling, drop the gay thing, then decide whether you want to be with him as is, or not. IF not, divorce him.

L2: Maybe your sister is annoyed b/c you apparently are dating a 12-year-old.

L3: "borrowed by friends who faced crises" What? You're either a liar or your friends are off the charts on the weirdness scale. And not in a good way.

And I swear, the first two times I read L3, I thought it said "Borrowed by friends who faced CRUISES."

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#4 Jul 29, 2013
1 Your not afraid your husband is gay, your afraid of losing your cash cow. No wonder your husband hates you.

2 Your boyfriend is acting in a logical, self preserving manner. I suggest you follow suit, and quit letting your sister walk all over you.

3 While I doubt the "borrowed by friends", I do like the idea of the frame with the hammer.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#5 Jul 29, 2013
1: Need so much more info and both sides, but the [I can't support myself right now] rubbed me wrong. So get another or a FT job, mooch!

2: Quite a change from the spouse who won't support their SO being mistreated.
I'm more concerned over marrying someone you've been dating since you were 15...so so young....even now...

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Jul 29, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
I'm more concerned over marrying someone you've been dating since you were 15...so so young....even now...
ITA.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#7 Jul 29, 2013
1- He always has to initiate sex, he's growing distant, you think he must be gay. Maybe the problem is you. Blow him more often.

2- Don't let your sister control your relationship.

3- Ok, if you still need your blankie at 55, you have serious psychological issues.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Jul 29, 2013
LW1: You personally come off as very whiny. I donít see anything in that letter that screams or even remotely suggests heís gay. Also, Iím pretty sure you suggesting heís gay without anything that indicates that he is, is not the best course of action if you wish to be closer to him.

In terms of going to bed later than you Ö some folks are night owls and some folks are early risers. Why should he have to go to bed when you go to bed? Why donít you stay up?

Also, who says you must spend every waking moment of your free time attached at the hip? Itís okay to go to bed at different times, IMO. You sound very insecure.

Also what do you do to initiate affection or is it always on him?

The only real issue I see is your sex life sounds kind of blah. 2 times a month isnít very much. Other than that, you seem to be making a huge issue out of not much.

LW2: I think your bf should stay out of your family dynamic. He doesnít have to control everything.

LW3: I find these testimonials to ďblankieĒ disturbing.

Borrowed by your friends who face crisis? Celebrates with you on your birthday? What a bunch of weirdos.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Jul 29, 2013
L1: He initiates sex and YOU think he's gay. You're afraid he'll dump your butt b/c you have no funds. I hope this man wakes up and starts a better life without you.

L2: You're young and immature. So immature you can't think of a way to get along with family except for fighting or nothing. You should not be getting married at all until you mature a bit, honey.

L3: To each his own. Does not bother me if someone uses a blankie at 55 for comfort.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#10 Jul 29, 2013
L1 Insecure people are not attractive.
A. Work on that with a therapist if you want to spend the money
B.Increase your job skills , finish school . You will feel more confident which will help with the insecurity
C. Give him more BJ's.

L2. If you have been BF/GF since you were 15 odds are his family is local. Is he an orphan? Spend holidays with them. You'll be doing so if you get married. If your parents ask, tell them you have had it with your sister.

L3 I don't buy it. A blankie is an intensely personal comforting mechanism. What comforts you does not have the same visceral meaning to someone else. But I like the idea of putting it in a glass case with a hammer to break in case of emergency.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Jul 29, 2013
LW1: "Intimacy always has to be initiated by him..."

Why? Is this some rule that no one else has heard of?

I suspect that if you did some initiating, things might change.

LW2: " I feel like I'm being forced to choose family or the man I plan on spending my life with."

You are, but that's what you get when you're dealing with children. Please allow yourself to grow up before you get married.

And spend some holidays away from your family.

LW3: I'm with PE on this: why on earth would someone want to borrow someone else's blankie? Lord only knows what they've done to it!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#12 Jul 29, 2013
FOlks: LW1 has weighed in at the Washington Post forum. She said she isn't allowed to initiate sex -- he can't "perform" if she tries to make the first move.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#13 Jul 29, 2013
SHe said she wants to ask him 'why do you stay with me if you don't want to be with me?"

I told her it was the wrong question, that she needs to ask herself why she stays with someone who doesn't want her.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#14 Jul 29, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
FOlks: LW1 has weighed in at the Washington Post forum. She said she isn't allowed to initiate sex -- he can't "perform" if she tries to make the first move.
That's weird.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Jul 29, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
FOlks: LW1 has weighed in at the Washington Post forum. She said she isn't allowed to initiate sex -- he can't "perform" if she tries to make the first move.
Why didn't she have that in the original letter? That's an important little tidbit.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#16 Jul 29, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
SHe said she wants to ask him 'why do you stay with me if you don't want to be with me?"
I told her it was the wrong question, that she needs to ask herself why she stays with someone who doesn't want her.
True. That had to hurt, though. Necessary pain. Sort of like ripping the bandage off. She needs to face it.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#17 Jul 29, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
FOlks: LW1 has weighed in at the Washington Post forum. She said she isn't allowed to initiate sex -- he can't "perform" if she tries to make the first move.
WTH? There is nothing better than a woman who is raring to go.

I love when Bambi grabs my well, you know, in the middle of the night when I am sleeping. I'll always wake up for that.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#18 Jul 29, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
SHe said she wants to ask him 'why do you stay with me if you don't want to be with me?"
I told her it was the wrong question, that she needs to ask herself why she stays with someone who doesn't want her.
Query
It it better to tell yourself your husband won't touch you because he likes men better or to admit that the only reason you are still around is because of his money?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#19 Jul 29, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Query
It it better to tell yourself your husband won't touch you because he likes men better or to admit that the only reason you are still around is because of his money?
I wondered the same thing but you phrased it beautifully. I just posted it over there. We'll see how many bricks I get thrown at me.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#20 Jul 29, 2013
That is the way I took it to mean, not that she was prohibited, but I guess if he cant get it up when she initiates it, then she is being prohibited in a way.
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
FOlks: LW1 has weighed in at the Washington Post forum. She said she isn't allowed to initiate sex -- he can't "perform" if she tries to make the first move.

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