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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 May 13, 2014
DEAR AMY: My nephew donated his sperm to two lesbian friends so they could have a child.

Since then, my nephew considers this little girl his, and my older sister believes the child is her granddaughter! The two lesbians allow my nephew and my older sister to see this child whenever they want.

My younger sister and I are cordial to all of the parties involved but do not recognize this little girl as family -- only as a distant friend. My older sister cannot understand why we do not feel the same way she does and is rather upset at us.

My younger sister and I think this is not normal and think, in my sister's mind, this may be the only "grandchild" she may have. My nephew is an alcoholic and currently in prison for DUI.

Are we wrong in our thinking, or has our older sister gone off the deep end?-- John in Arizona

DEAR JOHN: If enveloping a child in familial love is "going off the deep end," then I have this to say: Last one into the deep end of this (gene) pool is a rotten egg. You should take a dip and see how it feels.

First of all, the child is biologically related to all of you. Her moms are open to all of you and are encouraging these family relationships. And any child with lots of grandparents, aunties and uncles (actual or otherwise) is a lucky child.

You and your younger sister have the right to reject this relationship, but you two could be the ones who are really missing out.

DEAR AMY: About three years ago my daughter and her husband split, forcing her and our three grandchildren into an apartment.

I agreed to take their two cats on a temporary basis because the apartment won't allow pets. I have never liked cats.

My daughter is the type of person who deals with her problems by ignoring them, thinking they'll magically go away.

These cats are good cats and have grown on me. I spend time with them, play with them and am responsible for them. However, I hate the cat hair all over my house, cleaning up after them and the fact that they've wrecked the carpet on my steps by clawing at it -- all reasons I never wanted cats in the first place.

We are about to begin a house renovation. I have asked my daughter to try to find these guys a new home, but instead she says, "How are you going to explain it to the grandkids that you got rid of their pets?"

Now I'm just angry. I don't like the idea of taking them to a shelter, but I'm thinking of putting an ad on Craigslist.

What's your advice?-- Fed Up

DEAR FED: Your daughter has proved her own axiom: She has ignored her problem (the cats) long enough, and now they are going away.

You were kind to take in these cats, and it would be best if you now considered that they don't belong to your daughter or the kids -- they are yours. You are renovating your house anyway, so why not mitigate some of the issues that bother you the most? Most troublesome cat behavior can be corrected by altering their environment.

Before you give up on these two, read "Starting From Scratch: How to Correct Behavior Problems in Your Adult Cat," by feline behaviorist Pam Johnson-Bennett (2007, Penguin).

If you insist on giving these cats away, make sure they go together! Putting a notice on Facebook with a cute picture might yield the best result. This way your circle of friends and associates can help to place them in a great home.

DEAR AMY: "Want to be Honest" was ready to shock his wife of 30 years (and mother of his kids) by telling her he is gay. But why do this now? Why didn't you tell him to honor his marriage vows?-- Upset Reader

DEAR UPSET: "Wanting" never mentioned leaving his marriage -- only wanting to disclose his sexuality. And once she knows the truth, his wife might not want to honor her marriage vows. She should be told.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 May 13, 2014
1 Why would two lesbians want the sperm of an alcoholic? I suspect daddy issues. Anyway, the guy is in jail, so his feelings towards the kids is suspect. Once he gets out and can climb back into a bottle, his daddy feelings may wane. Oh, then when the lesbo's break up and the nephew get put on the hook for child support, there is another train wreck waiting to happen.
Amy can talk about the village all she wants, but if the village is a version or "Lord Of The Flies", the kids are definitely NOT better for it.

2 I fail to see how reading a book is going to prevent cat hair. But it's worth a shot.

3 Or he could leave gay porn on his computer.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#3 May 13, 2014
LW1: I thought Amy had a good answer, but RACE *DOES* have an excellent point.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 May 13, 2014
1- you sound like a horrible and extremely judgemental person

2- did I detect a hint of man-bashing before getting to the problem? Maybe if your daughter didn't ignore her problems, her husband wouldn't have run from her. Anyway, this is the bed she made. Try to see if someone else in the family or one of her friends can take the cats, if not, well, do what you gotta do

3- the wife might have already figured something was amiss when he asked her to use a strap-on and pound him from behind

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 May 13, 2014
LW1: Like RACE, I was also wondering why these ladies would want drunko sperm <mimishrug>. Reminds me of Melissa Ethridge and David Crosby, but I digress...

If you don't want to have a relationship with this child, that's fine, but stop judging your sister for making a different choice.

LW2: Cats on Craigslist sounds like a recipe for animal abuse. If you really can't get into keeping the cats and maybe giving them a space that they can be cats in, find a no kill shelter.

And I'm also wondering why the cats can't go to dad's house. I'm guessing that they see him as often as grandma, right?

LW3: Would *you* want to stay married to someone stopped preferring your sexual body parts?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 May 13, 2014
L1: A family can mean many things. If you don't want to be involved, fine. Stop defining how someone else should feel and diminishing their relationships.

L2: You are not obligated to keep them, they are not actually yours. A lot of rentals these days accept pets. Maybe you can find one near your daughter and let her know. She should take responsibility for them.

L3: There are difficult subjects to hear from your spouse and then there are the near impossible subjects to deal with.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#7 May 13, 2014
1: First, I agree with Annie. This lw and her younger sisters do not sound like anyone I'd want to know. Not because they don't want to be involved in the child's life but because they think their sister, the biological grandmother, has gone off the deep end by being involved in the child's life. The child IS her grandchild and the mom's are good to be allowing her involvement.

Second: Yes, the nephew has a drinking problem and seems to have made a mess of his life. It may well be possible for him to change his life though. He'll need help from professionals and I sincerely hope that his mom speaks with a counselor to find out what she should and shouldn't do for her son so that she doesn't end up enabling him to drink. The man may very well end up being a decent human being and influence in his daughter's life. That may very well not happen but I'd like to think he will try. The letter isn't about him anyway; it's about the child and her biological relatives' presence in her life.

Third: Race does have a point about possible financial responsibilities. I've heard of this happening but can't recall the circumstances. So of course, any time someone donates their sperm or egg to allow another person to have a child, a lawyer should be consulted to find out whether and how future financial responsibility can be prevented. I'd guess that an adoption by the other partner might be the way and signing a paper giving up parental rights might help. But if giving up parental rights was all there it to it, there would be a lot of guys out there who run to a lawyer to have such a document written up in order to avoid child support. That makes me think it probably isn't enough which is why I advise seeing a lawyer before donating your egg/sperm to anyone. It could be the man in this situation isn't concerned about the financial obligation part. Maybe he saw this as a way to have a child and is not adverse to helping support the child or even being a presence in the child's life. After all, the lw does say that he considers the child his.

2: I am glad that Amy had some information that might help the lw (or others reading her column) deal with kitty misbehavior. Of course it may not be what the lw wants to hear right now and she may ignore it altogether. However, the suggestion of advertising the cats on Facebook is a good one. That's pretty much how we got our new dog. Our daughter told us about the dog she had seen on fb and told us. The people down the street had her and now we do. She had been a stray and we're the 3rd family to have her since she was found wandering in a town more than 50 miles away. She's the best behaved dog we've ever had and she's not going to need to find another home. It wouldn't surprise me if the lw finds just the right home for these kitties.

3: This is a big reason why people should accept gays as just regular folks like anyone else. The stigma has led to a number of marriages which are unlikely to be truly happy because gay people have felt they needed to hide their sexuality. How has that benefited anyone? So yes, the man referred to here needs to be honest with his wife and let her decide what she wants to do. He doesn't have the right to do that for her. I don't recall the original letter off hand (they really should include the date of original letters when they do these follow up letters) but it would appear he lied to her from the start; so he's already 30 years late in telling her the truth.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 May 13, 2014
squishymama wrote:
And I'm also wondering why the cats can't go to dad's house.
Maybe dad moved onto a no animals apartment too.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#9 May 13, 2014
Pippa wrote:
1: First, I agree with Annie. This lw and her younger sisters do not sound like anyone I'd want to know. Not because they don't want to be involved in the child's life but because they think their sister, the biological grandmother, has gone off the deep end by being involved in the child's life. The child IS her grandchild and the mom's are good to be allowing her involvement.
Second: Yes, the nephew has a drinking problem and seems to have made a mess of his life. It may well be possible for him to change his life though. He'll need help from professionals and I sincerely hope that his mom speaks with a counselor to find out what she should and shouldn't do for her son so that she doesn't end up enabling him to drink. The man may very well end up being a decent human being and influence in his daughter's life. That may very well not happen but I'd like to think he will try. The letter isn't about him anyway; it's about the child and her biological relatives' presence in her life.
Third: Race does have a point about possible financial responsibilities. I've heard of this happening but can't recall the circumstances. So of course, any time someone donates their sperm or egg to allow another person to have a child, a lawyer should be consulted to find out whether and how future financial responsibility can be prevented. I'd guess that an adoption by the other partner might be the way and signing a paper giving up parental rights might help. But if giving up parental rights was all there it to it, there would be a lot of guys out there who run to a lawyer to have such a document written up in order to avoid child support. That makes me think it probably isn't enough which is why I advise seeing a lawyer before donating your egg/sperm to anyone. It could be the man in this situation isn't concerned about the financial obligation part. Maybe he saw this as a way to have a child and is not adverse to helping support the child or even being a presence in the child's life. After all, the lw does say that he considers the child his.
2: I am glad that Amy had some information that might help the lw (or others reading her column) deal with kitty misbehavior. Of course it may not be what the lw wants to hear right now and she may ignore it altogether. However, the suggestion of advertising the cats on Facebook is a good one. That's pretty much how we got our new dog. Our daughter told us about the dog she had seen on fb and told us. The people down the street had her and now we do. She had been a stray and we're the 3rd family to have her since she was found wandering in a town more than 50 miles away. She's the best behaved dog we've ever had and she's not going to need to find another home. It wouldn't surprise me if the lw finds just the right home for these kitties.
3: This is a big reason why people should accept gays as just regular folks like anyone else. The stigma has led to a number of marriages which are unlikely to be truly happy because gay people have felt they needed to hide their sexuality. How has that benefited anyone? So yes, the man referred to here needs to be honest with his wife and let her decide what she wants to do. He doesn't have the right to do that for her. I don't recall the original letter off hand (they really should include the date of original letters when they do these follow up letters) but it would appear he lied to her from the start; so he's already 30 years late in telling her the truth.
Holy Sublime!:-D

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#10 May 13, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
Holy Sublime!:-D
At least PEllen got her paragraphs. Huge paragraphs, but it's a start.

;)

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 May 13, 2014
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
At least PEllen got her paragraphs. Huge paragraphs, but it's a start.
;)
I find Pippa's writing easy to read, though. She writes well.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#12 May 13, 2014
Pippa wrote:
1: First, I agree with Annie. This lw and her younger sisters do not sound like anyone I'd want to know. Not because they don't want to be involved in the child's life but because they think their sister, the biological grandmother, has gone off the deep end by being involved in the child's life. The child IS her grandchild and the mom's are good to be allowing her involvement.
Second: Yes, the nephew has a drinking problem and seems to have made a mess of his life. It may well be possible for him to change his life though. He'll need help from professionals and I sincerely hope that his mom speaks with a counselor to find out what she should and shouldn't do for her son so that she doesn't end up enabling him to drink. The man may very well end up being a decent human being and influence in his daughter's life. That may very well not happen but I'd like to think he will try. The letter isn't about him anyway; it's about the child and her biological relatives' presence in her life.
Third: Race does have a point about possible financial responsibilities. I've heard of this happening but can't recall the circumstances. So of course, any time someone donates their sperm or egg to allow another person to have a child, a lawyer should be consulted to find out whether and how future financial responsibility can be prevented. I'd guess that an adoption by the other partner might be the way and signing a paper giving up parental rights might help. But if giving up parental rights was all there it to it, there would be a lot of guys out there who run to a lawyer to have such a document written up in order to avoid child support. That makes me think it probably isn't enough which is why I advise seeing a lawyer before donating your egg/sperm to anyone. It could be the man in this situation isn't concerned about the financial obligation part. Maybe he saw this as a way to have a child and is not adverse to helping support the child or even being a presence in the child's life. After all, the lw does say that he considers the child his.
2: I am glad that Amy had some information that might help the lw (or others reading her column) deal with kitty misbehavior. Of course it may not be what the lw wants to hear right now and she may ignore it altogether. However, the suggestion of advertising the cats on Facebook is a good one. That's pretty much how we got our new dog. Our daughter told us about the dog she had seen on fb and told us. The people down the street had her and now we do. She had been a stray and we're the 3rd family to have her since she was found wandering in a town more than 50 miles away. She's the best behaved dog we've ever had and she's not going to need to find another home. It wouldn't surprise me if the lw finds just the right home for these kitties.
3: This is a big reason why people should accept gays as just regular folks like anyone else. The stigma has led to a number of marriages which are unlikely to be truly happy because gay people have felt they needed to hide their sexuality. How has that benefited anyone? So yes, the man referred to here needs to be honest with his wife and let her decide what she wants to do. He doesn't have the right to do that for her. I don't recall the original letter off hand (they really should include the date of original letters when they do these follow up letters) but it would appear he lied to her from the start; so he's already 30 years late in telling her the truth.
Yep. Thanks for the paragraphs.
And no you are not Sub's sub, you're your you..

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#13 May 13, 2014
Then why is that pig he's dating allowed in?

Actually I read it as, he kept the house, since it only mentions her needing an apt.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Maybe dad moved onto a no animals apartment too.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 May 13, 2014
RACE wrote:
Then why is that pig he's dating allowed in?
Actually I read it as, he kept the house, since it only mentions her needing an apt.
<quoted text>
while that is certainly possible, it would surprise me that a man, not being awarded custody, would get to keep a marital house while the wife and kids move out. With that in mind, more likely scenarios (to me at least)

-they were renting a house and both moved out
-they owned a house and would agreed to sell and split the proceeds as it would be financially not feasible to keep up with the payments noe that they would be paying for 2 seperate residences

The fact that his living arrangement is not mentioned in the letter does not seem odd to me. Its the wife's mother. She does not care what his living arrangement os and its not pertinent to her problem.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#15 May 13, 2014
The first one I can see, but if they sold the house, then the mother should have chosen an apt that allowed pets, even if it cost a little xtra. Poor pet parenting on her part.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>while that is certainly possible, it would surprise me that a man, not being awarded custody, would get to keep a marital house while the wife and kids move out. With that in mind, more likely scenarios (to me at least)
-they were renting a house and both moved out
-they owned a house and would agreed to sell and split the proceeds as it would be financially not feasible to keep up with the payments noe that they would be paying for 2 seperate residences
The fact that his living arrangement is not mentioned in the letter does not seem odd to me. Its the wife's mother. She does not care what his living arrangement os and its not pertinent to her problem.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#16 May 13, 2014
RACE wrote:
The first one I can see, but if they sold the house, then the mother should have chosen an apt that allowed pets, even if it cost a little xtra. Poor pet parenting on her part.
<quoted text>
You're assuming they had substantial equity. After the housing bubble burst, its very likely they bought a $200k house for $350k and short sold it just to get the gorilla off their back

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#17 May 13, 2014
Yes,my assumption is as valid as yours.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>You're assuming they had substantial equity. After the housing bubble burst, its very likely they bought a $200k house for $350k and short sold it just to get the gorilla off their back
Kuuipo

Seaside, CA

#18 May 13, 2014
LW1: I don't understand why you would question your sister's relationship with her biological grandchild, particularly when the adoptive parents encourage her involvement. The child is innocent. You and your sister are welcome to be Uncle and Auntie. Or you can stand back and be judgmental. Your choice.

LW2: Rule #1 Never take in someone else's pets on a "temporary" basis. 9 times out of 10 the situation becomes permanent. You might as well accept this now and learn your lesson. Build the cats a sun porch while you are remodeling. That will centralize most of the shedding fur.

LW3: If I recall the original letter correctly; LW wanted to know how to deliver the news without upsetting his wife, an impossible task.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#19 May 13, 2014
Ltr 1 . There was a case in Kansas where the sperm donor was found liable for child support.

Here is the CNN link but there are lots of others if you Google sperm donor child support.

http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/23/justice/kansas-...
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#20 May 13, 2014
LW1 aka "John" is giving Arizona a rude name.

Glance into the future: As that little girl grew up, she:

(a) did well in school and community projects
(b) visited LW1 in the hospital when others told her she was "better to
that old sour faced crab than he deserved"
(c) helped LW1 and his wife with their taxes when she was in high
school, saving them a substantial amount
or
(d) other

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