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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#1
Dec 15, 2012
 
DEAR ABbY: I'm a senior in high school and will be off to college next year. Like my older brother, I will be attending a school 30 minutes from home.

A problem he has, and that I'm worried about, is setting boundaries with our father. Dad works near the college and insists on stopping by to visit my brother at least once a week. If my brother refuses to meet with him, Dad guilt-trips him and gets angry.

I want to experience independence in college. How can I avoid this problem and set visitation boundaries with my father?-- COLLEGE BOUND IN GEORGIA

DEAR COLLEGE BOUND: So many people your age who write to me have no father involved in their lives at all, and you appear to have a little too much. I agree that by the time a student reaches college, it is time for more independence than your father seems willing to give your brother.

If your mother is in the picture, perhaps she could reason with your dad. However, if that's not possible, your brother -- and you -- may have to transfer to other schools to put some distance between you.

DEAR ABbY: My boyfriend and his 4-year-old daughter live with me and my two children. We keep our finances separate. I am self-employed and work mostly from home. I also take care of the household chores.

My problem is that he thinks because I work from home I should take care of his daughter during the day, versus her going to day care. My schedule is very full, and I enjoy being able to work from home without the interruptions of having to play nanny while my children are in school. However, I feel guilty about not helping him out on this.

Am I selfish for not helping him, or am I justified in my feelings?-- DON'T WANT TO BE THE NANNY

DEAR DON'T WANT TO BE THE NANNY: If you need the income from your business, that's where you should be directing your energy. Your job, coupled with the housework, is enough to handle.

Your boyfriend is employed, and he can place the 4-year-old in day care during the hours your children are in school. Depending upon your schedule, including his daughter in whatever activities your children are involved in should not take up too large a chunk of your time.

DEAR AbBY: Charlie and I have been married 14 years. Between 1970 and 1980, he traveled with a big circus. He says those were the best years of his life.

We have taken several cruises together and other nice trips, but he never mentions them. It's always his circus days that he talks about.

I have asked him several times not to bring the subject up so much. He will go a day or two before mentioning the circus again. Is there anything I can say to make him stop? It's driving me crazy.-- BORED UNDER THE BIG TOP

DEAR BORED: I'm sure your husband doesn't mean to belittle the good times you have had together. But his circus adventure ended 30 years ago. What I suspect Charlie is reminiscing about is less the circus than it is his youth.

Try this the next time he mentions the subject: Remind him that you have already heard the story.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#2
Dec 15, 2012
 

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1 Set a time for your Dad to stop by for coffee each week or set Sunday lunch with him. You can circumscribe his visits and make them into a ritual of sorts. They won't feel as intrusive if they are regular and scheduled.When you turn 21, make it a weekly beer.

I went to grad school in Chicago. I had something roughly similar with my Dad and after a while my younger brother. There were times when I ( or my brother) were at grunt level non-communicative but other times when it was great bonding between adults. They are cherished memories, always triggered by the phrase, Hey Dad can I borrow a 20?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#3
Dec 15, 2012
 

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1- Go to a school farther away? What crappy advice, Abs. I'm not sure if sitting down with pops over coffee once a week is unreasonable or not, so I'm gonna go with PE's advice. Set a day and time and keep it brief. College isn't all about free time and partying, if you're not in class, you're in study groups, the library, the computer lab or doing homework. Tell dad you're just very busy. And yeah, hit him up for money everytime, maybe he'll not want to come around so often.

2- Day care can be very expensive and I doubt I'd be up for putting my kid there if I've got a girl at home. I've never worked from home but can't imagine it's as burdensome as you're trying to make it sound. You're on the computer at home, ferchristsake, give the kid a bottle before hitting send.

3- It is a pet peeve of mine to hear people talk about how cool they used to be. Go with Abby's advice.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#4
Dec 15, 2012
 

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L1: Once a week isn't asking much. I can understand you want the school experience for yourself. Change the location, I bet, and that would be better. How about lunch and get a favorite spot for you two. It'll be a memory, as PE mentioned, that you'll have for the rest of your life and treasure. You just don't know it yet.

L2: Edog -- you are so wrong. Kids take time and energy. Just b/c she's working from home doesn't mean it's not serious work.

L3: Put on Springstein's "Glory Days" everytime he starts that story. Do you really think he's going to change after all these years?
pde

Gilberts, IL

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#5
Dec 15, 2012
 
L2: this is why I stopped working from home, even if my job can be done equally well from home as well as from the office.

I got sick of the question from my husband of why I hadn't accomplished anything around the house WHILE I WAS WORKING and the idea from management that I should have been able to get twice as much done because obviously I was slacking off to do stuff around the house during work-time.

And a kid who is at home with you will: start screaming in the middle of every conference call, cause havoc you have to clean up the instant you try to apply your full concentration to your work, and watch way too much TV as you try to keep them quiet while you're doing things like conference calls, and from causing havoc while you're trying to concentrate on work tasks.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#6
Dec 15, 2012
 
I just don't think I can believe that people are working as hard at home as they would be in the office. Isn't that the POINT of working at home? You can work at your own pace and not have your boss breathing down your neck? If you're really that busy, wouldn't it be more beneficial to be in the office anyway? That way you're not distracted by Dr. Phil or making a cocktail?
pde

Gilberts, IL

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#7
Dec 15, 2012
 
edogxxx wrote:
I just don't think I can believe that people are working as hard at home as they would be in the office. Isn't that the POINT of working at home? You can work at your own pace and not have your boss breathing down your neck? If you're really that busy, wouldn't it be more beneficial to be in the office anyway? That way you're not distracted by Dr. Phil or making a cocktail?
The only point about working from home for me was not driving 40+ minutes each way. I don't turn on the TV when I'm at home, and no, I don't drink cocktails.

I work primarily with a remote workforce anyhow, whether I'm at home or in the office (My boss has always been in CA, and I have always been in IL. In fact, I've met my boss in real life just once in all the years I've worked there.) Really, I goof off more when I'm in the office because I match just the work my local colleagues do, not my true productivity when I'm really focused.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

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#8
Dec 15, 2012
 
edogxxx wrote:
I just don't think I can believe that people are working as hard at home as they would be in the office. Isn't that the POINT of working at home? You can work at your own pace and not have your boss breathing down your neck? If you're really that busy, wouldn't it be more beneficial to be in the office anyway? That way you're not distracted by Dr. Phil or making a cocktail?
I can easily do some of my job at home. At my old job, I used to telecommute on Fridays and I got more work done at home because I did not need to de-stress from the commute. I worked longer on my telework day because I had that extra time. Also, I didn't have spend time picking out work-appropriate attire, so I could just throw on whatever was clean and get to work. My current job allows telecommuting, but my commute is now shorter, so I haven't bothered to jump through the hoops to get what I need to work at home.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#9
Dec 18, 2012
 
LW2: I agree that you shoudn't have his daughter underfoot while you are trying to work. But I also think you guys are idiots for moving in together when kids are nvolved. Get married, make a committment, THEN combine the kids. You are more likely to break up if you are not married, then the kids will have to deal with losing pseudo-step siblings.

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