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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Dec 8, 2013
DEAR AMY: When I was 14 I came out as gay to my parents. We lived in a small town in the South.

I was beaten, kicked out of my home temporarily and forced into reparative therapy. I left home the day I turned 18 and, needless to say, at 27 years old my relationship with my parents is strained at best.

I have always gone home for major holidays and maintained contact with my family, but recently I have set new limits on our relationship. I have been with my partner for three years now and want to spend major holidays with him. They will not allow him to come to family events like Christmas and Thanksgiving.

I have now told my parents that I will have very little contact with them and will not be returning home until they can accept me for who I am. I have convinced them my homosexuality is not a conscious choice, but they still see me as "mentally ill" and also a sinner.

Why would I invite them to a wedding they don't think should be legally allowed to take place? Why would I allow them around my future children?

Am I wrong for setting these new limits? Have I stooped to their level by cutting off family members because I feel differently than they do? Should I be the bigger person?-- It Got Better

DEAR IT GOT BETTER: Given your parents' mean, abusive and overall terrible parenting, being the bigger person isn't a very tall order.

Invite your folks to share your life on your terms -- and let them struggle to make choices that up until now only you have been forced to make. If you marry your partner, invite them to attend. Then this issue really becomes one of them dealing with their own prejudices and anxieties.

Being inclusive sometimes means being kind toward people whose views are repugnant -- but you should only do so if it is physically and emotionally safe for you.

I suggest this not because you owe your parents anything, but because you redress a little of the wrong done to you if you can move forward by behaving as you wish others would behave.

DEAR AMY: I love all the major things about my girlfriend, but there's a minor thing that bugs me constantly: her table manners.

She eats with one arm resting beside her plate (I was taught to keep your arms off the table) and often uses her fingers instead of a knife. I know these are unimportant things compared to all that I like about her, but I wonder if she could change these habits.

She is a very defensive person and might take any suggestion as a criticism of her upbringing, which was lackadaisical and left her with more to worry about than bad table manners.

We're middle-aged people and I know this is probably more about me than it is about her, but I want to bring it up, hopefully in a subtle and positive way.-- Politely Pondering

DEAR PONDERING: Using one's fingers instead of a knife could be challenging when trying to slice through the beef Wellington this Christmas, but I think I get your drift.

Don't be subtle. Ask, "Can I mention something that bothers me? I don't like it when you rest your arm on the table or use your fingers instead of a knife."

That's it. Don't expound about how you were raised versus how she was raised. She may choose to tell you about a habit of yours which she doesn't like. Accept this graciously. If she gets overly defensive, then that is a far more serious bad habit than the way she holds her fork.

DEAR AMY: "Miss Dialer" asked why people return cellphone calls from callers who have not left a message and whose numbers they cannot identify (i.e. "Someone from this number called my phone").

I am a landlord. Frequently people interested in renting call but don't leave a message. Returning these calls means I am contacting a potential renter.-- Landlord

DEAR LANDLORD: I received a huge response to this question. Thank you for providing one explanation.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Dec 9, 2013
1- "Prejudices and anxieties" "...people who's views are repugnant"

Who's intolerant of whom?

You can't force acceptance on people, son. Accept your parents for who they are.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Dec 9, 2013
1 "Treat others as you wish to be treated." That does not mean tolerating abuse or prejudice, it means setting an example. lamy is right on that point.

2 Dude, you are soooo not gonna get laid if you go there. Leave it be and learn not to get wound up about it.

3 Well, "Miss Dialer" was not talking about a landlord, or a suicide prevention hotline, or the fire department or the police. She was talking about her neighbor Emma, who nobody calls anyway, and any call she did get was likely to be a wrong number.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#4 Dec 9, 2013
LW1: I fail to see why anyone should tolerate that in their life or have anything to do with folks such as your parents?

LW2: I dont see the arm on the table as a huge deal.

Using a finger if she did so in public, Id say something to her. My wife just did that the other week, while we were out eating Thai to get rice on her fork. I said, could you please not use your finger like that in a restaurant or if you want to you could go all the way and just put your mouth right at the edge of your plate and use your fork to scrape the food directly into your mouth. She laughed and even told her mom who laughed too.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Dec 9, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- "Prejudices and anxieties" "...people who's views are repugnant"
Who's intolerant of whom?
You can't force acceptance on people, son. Accept your parents for who they are.
Yes. He should accept them the same way they accepted him. By beating them so badly. they need recuperative therapy.

I would have cut them out of my life as fast as possible after that. He owes them nothing.
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

#6 Dec 9, 2013
Sub, you better take really good care of your wife cause she sounds like a keeper.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#7 Dec 9, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Yes. He should accept them the same way they accepted him. By beating them so badly. they need recuperative therapy.
I would have cut them out of my life as fast as possible after that. He owes them nothing.
And yet, you're the same type of people who spew tolerance and acceptance for people just the way they are.

Hypocrisy

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Dec 9, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
And yet, you're the same type of people who spew tolerance and acceptance for people just the way they are.
Hypocrisy
TSTI

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Dec 9, 2013
tiredofit wrote:
Sub, you better take really good care of your wife cause she sounds like a keeper.
LOL. Yeah, she is. She puts up with me!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#10 Dec 9, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>TSTI
That your only comeback?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#11 Dec 9, 2013
You have to remember, edogg does accept physical abuse, so if he can accept it, why not everyone?
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>TSTI

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Dec 9, 2013
L1: I believe it's obvious to most people (but not to edog) that Amy got that one right.

L2: I would have spoken up about that right away. Food things bother me, for instance when someone chews with their mouth open. Yuk.

L3: Why do people care what other people do if it doesn't affect them nor wrong anyone?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#13 Dec 9, 2013
LW1: I'm not sure why you keep thinking that by changing your behavior and instituting new rules that somehow you'll hit on the right one that will magically make your family accept you just the way you are. If they were going to do that, it would have happened a long time ago. Stop trying. Live your life the way you want to, even if that means cutting them out of your life. Really, what are they contributing to it anyway?

LW2: Really? You're gonna pick a fight about an arm on the table and the occasional misuse of a finger? Be ready to not get any for awhile.

Now if she was double-dipping or holding her utinsils like a cavewoman, then I could see saying something, but what you've mentioned are really minor things on the table etiquette offense list.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#14 Dec 9, 2013
Hi Toj,
Please explain the obvious contradiction between your response to LW3 and your statement to LW2.
Toj wrote:
L2: I would have spoken up about that right away. Food things bother me, for instance when someone chews with their mouth open. Yuk.
L3: Why do people care what other people do if it doesn't affect them nor wrong anyone?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Dec 9, 2013
RACE wrote:
Hi Toj,
Please explain the obvious contradiction between your response to LW3 and your statement to LW2.
<quoted text>
It affects me when people talk with their mouth full. It grosses me out; therefore, I see no contradiction.

Don't you hate looking at people's half-chewed food in their mouth?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#16 Dec 9, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
It affects me when people talk with their mouth full. It grosses me out; therefore, I see no contradiction.
Don't you hate looking at people's half-chewed food in their mouth?
Lip smacking bothers me more. I can always look away, but I can't tune that out. <smack, smack, smack, chomp, chomp>

My one brother used to do it. My middle son was doing it one day. I said would you PLEASE stop smacking your lips while you eat .... in my ear.(I've officially become my dad, lol).

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 Dec 9, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
It affects me when people talk with their mouth full. It grosses me out; therefore, I see no contradiction.
Don't you hate looking at people's half-chewed food in their mouth?
Did i miss something? Lw mentioned arm in the table and using finger instead of knife. Neither qualifies as a "gross out" offense unless it grosses you out to see fingers touch food, in which case, good luck keeping your meal down ay a sandwich shop, pizza parlor, or wing place.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#18 Dec 9, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- "Prejudices and anxieties" "...people who's views are repugnant"
Who's intolerant of whom?
You can't force acceptance on people, son. Accept your parents for who they are.
edog, I agree that this lw should accept his parents for who they are but that doesn't mean he needs to twist himself into a knot for their benefit. He is who he is and they also need to accept him for who he is. So I like Amy's advice to this man. He needs to allow his parents into his life but THEY are the ones who have to make the final decisions now. He invites them and they have to decide whether they love him enough to accept him and his chosen life partner.(This is true whether we're talking about a gay or straight couple.) If they make disparaging and hurtful remarks or make his partner feel like dirt under their feet, then he needs to decide whether he can accept that behavior (I wouldn't) or remove himself and his partner from their toxic presence. They're supposedly Christian. That means they're supp

And I like that you brought out that both sides of this situation could be said to have repugnant views from the other person's perspective. So again, we should all respect others' rights and be polite. It doesn't mean we have to accept those views nor should we "force" our own views on them by continually nagging and finding fault or giving ultimatums. It means we have to decide whether the way they act or show those views to us and others are hurtful to us and the ones we love. Sometimes it's so toxic, we have to keep contact to a minimum.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#19 Dec 9, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
That your only comeback?
Not a comeback. Just stating a fact
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#20 Dec 9, 2013
Whoops, the last sentence of my first paragraph got cut off. It should read, "They're supposedly Christian. That means they're supposed to treat others as they want to be treated."

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