Amy 7-3

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“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Jul 3, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: A year ago, my husband's brother "Jimmy" asked us to "lend" him $1,000. My husband asked for my opinion. We found out this was to finance a trip to Las Vegas, and I was of course against it. My husband gave him the money anyway.

Years ago my husband's other brother, "Vinny," was the recipient of many "loans" from my husband, which were never repaid. Vinny is an alcoholic and a marginal character, and my husband finally stopped giving him money (as far as I know).

The thing that bothers me the most is when Jimmy "borrowed" the money a year ago, he said, "Don't worry, this is not a 'Vinny loan,'" implying that he did intend to repay the money, unlike his derelict brother.

I would like to just let this go, but every time I'm in a "mood" it seems to stick in my craw and I'm tempted to say something.

I asked my husband recently if Jimmy has said anything about the money he owes us. The answer was no.

I am aware that "loans" to family members are rarely repaid. I'm hoping you can reaffirm this and I will just be able to move on.-- Stuck

DEAR STUCK: I like your husband's choice to run these family payments past you, but not when he completely disregards your recommendation and simply goes on to do what he intended to do all along. If he is going to involve you, then he should be brave enough to give you an actual vote on the family loan consideration committee.

When there are no terms, conditions or consequences attached to loans, they are called "gifts."

Take this episode as an opportunity to talk with your husband about how to run your family's loan operation in the future. I like the idea of setting aside a maximum amount for family gifts/loans and considering all requests (from either side of the family) together.

The trick for getting this $1,000 back -- or stopping further requests -- is pretty simple: The next time "Jimmy" comes to you for a loan (and there will be a next time), you say, "When you pay back our initial loan of $1,000, we'll consider lending to you again."

DEAR AMY: A few months ago, I started dating a wonderful woman. She is beautiful, educated and has a good job helping others. I had strong feelings for her but right from the start, she did not follow through on things she said she would do. It started with little things like promising to call and then not calling. I ignored this, even though it bothered me. After a few more episodes, I decided to tell her how it made me feel.

Rather than apologizing and making an effort to resolve this issue, she became defensive, making me feel even worse. I did my best to just ignore this part of her behavior.

The real kicker came a few nights ago when she called to let me know that she wanted to spend the evening with me. She then called to say she was running late -- five hours late -- too late to spend more than an hour together.

I passed on the opportunity to see her and haven't spoken to her since.

In addition to what I perceive to be insensitive and rude behavior, I discovered she's been withholding information from me. They are little things, but it makes me wonder what else she's not telling me.

I'm on the verge of ending this relationship. Is that the right thing to do? I need a reality check.-- Check, Please

DEAR CHECK: Quoting Maya Angelou here: "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Consider your reality checked.

DEAR AMY: I liked your response to "Confused Maid of Honor," who was being punished by a bridezilla for "causing drama" at the bachelorette party.

I had a bridesmaid who had a complete drunken meltdown at my party. She was very remorseful afterward. Friends forgive each other, especially when a mistake is out of character. I'd want my friends to forgive me if I acted like a fool.-- Been There Bride

DEAR BRIDE: You're a wise one.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#2
Jul 3, 2013
 
1- Hubby should stop bailing out his loser brothers. Keep asking for the money back, but know you can't squeeze blood from a turnip.

2- Dump her. This shows a complete lack of respect for you. Had an ex who did sht like that. That's a major reason why she's an ex.

3- When me and/or my friends act like drunken fools at parties or bars, it gives us something to laugh and talk about for years on end.

But anyway, the original letter was about this Maid of Honor causing drama with her BOYFRIEND, and the bride didn't want the boyfriend at the wedding. I think I sided with the bride on that one.

Since: Jan 10

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#3
Jul 3, 2013
 

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L1: Anyone who needs to borrow money for a vacation most likely will never, ever pay you back. I think your husband was an idiot to give YOUR (and his) money to his loser brother who hits up a fellow adult sibling for money for a vacation. What a lovely family.

L2: "Iím on the verge of ending this relationship." It's over already. You just don't realize it.

L3: I want to be the drunken bridesmaid for a change!

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#4
Jul 3, 2013
 
L1: Consider yourself validated. Write off that $1,000 and don't let your husband give either of his loser brothers any more money.

L2: Consider yourself single. She already is.

L3: I've never been in a wedding besides my own but from all the stories I've heard, that's totally okay with me.

“Walt Frazier for POTUS”

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#5
Jul 3, 2013
 

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1: Never loan money to a family member, period.

2: You sure know how to pick 'em. She's been cheating on you dude. At the first sign of deceit you should've dropped her.

3: Always get blasted at a wedding, it's the code of the west.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#6
Jul 3, 2013
 

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1 If he had won in Vegas, you would have gotten twice that back!

2 What is your problem? She can only come over for an hour, so you knock boots, have a screaming orgasm and then she leaves...And it did not cost you a dime.

3 Two totally unrelated stories with only the common thread of "Girl stuff"

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#7
Jul 3, 2013
 

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LW1: This money is probably gone for good. Have *you* tried asking the BIL for the repayment? Maybe being shamed a little will open up the wallet.

LW2: If she has a job helping people, perhaps she got caught up, yanno, helping people. Crises (sp?) don't usually ask if you have prior plans, they just happen.

She probably thinks you're a demanding azz who can't understand that sometimes her job, yanno the one you seem so pleased she has, is going to come first.

Whatever, this is not the droid you're looking for.

LW3: You'd think that bridesmaids would make a tastier rehash. Alas no.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#8
Jul 3, 2013
 
squishymama wrote:
LW2: If she has a job helping people, perhaps she got caught up, yanno, helping people. Crises (sp?) don't usually ask if you have prior plans, they just happen.
She probably thinks you're a demanding azz who can't understand that sometimes her job, yanno the one you seem so pleased she has, is going to come first
.
That doesn't mean her bf should take a back seat. Balancing your job/relationship/family, is a delicate dance we all try to manage. It doesn't sound like her bf is much of a priority.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#9
Jul 3, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
That doesn't mean her bf should take a back seat. Balancing your job/relationship/family, is a delicate dance we all try to manage. It doesn't sound like her bf is much of a priority.
He doesn't say what she does to "help people" but she could be a nurse, a social worker, a victim's advocate. When the sh!t hits the fan in any of those jobs, yes, the personal relationships of the "helper" will have to take a back seat.

Whatever; if he doesn't like how she treats him, he is free to go.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#10
Jul 3, 2013
 

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squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
He doesn't say what she does to "help people" but she could be a nurse, a social worker, a victim's advocate. When the sh!t hits the fan in any of those jobs, yes, the personal relationships of the "helper" will have to take a back seat.
Whatever; if he doesn't like how she treats him, he is free to go.
I understand that a job can have priority, but she's blowing him off completely. She won't call to say she's running late, or she WILL say she's running late then not show up at all. Just sounds like she can make a better effort at being a little more considerate.

(sounds like we basically agree, but you're wanting to paint this woman in a better light. I say she's an inconsiderate btch.)

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#11
Jul 3, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I understand that a job can have priority, but she's blowing him off completely. She won't call to say she's running late, or she WILL say she's running late then not show up at all. Just sounds like she can make a better effort at being a little more considerate.
(sounds like we basically agree, but you're wanting to paint this woman in a better light. I say she's an inconsiderate btch.)
She's inconsiderate and he seems needy/clingy.

A match made in heaven.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Spanaway, WA

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#12
Jul 3, 2013
 
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
She's inconsiderate and he seems needy/clingy.
A match made in heaven.
"Needy" virtually oozes from his letter. He needs to move on.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Spanaway, WA

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#13
Jul 3, 2013
 
Never lend money to relatives. If you're so inclined, just consider it a gift. If it comes back to you, yay...otherwise it's gone the minute you hand it over.

My sister recently needed the money to get a copy of her son's birth certificate. She said "I will pay you back on the first." Me: "Just keep it." She will never have an extra $20, why stress over it? <shrug>

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#14
Jul 3, 2013
 

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squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
She's inconsiderate and he seems needy/clingy.
A match made in heaven.
This in spades. I read hus letter and my first impression was that he was a needy little bitch. But he says they met a couple months ago. This is hardly a relationship and certainly way too soon to be putting him first in her life. Job is definitely higher priority. Hell, most other facets of her life are higher priority.

Saluki said she was cheating. Shit, I doubt she ever git to a point where she considered him an exclusive bf.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#15
Jul 3, 2013
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
But he says they met a couple months ago. This is hardly a relationship and certainly way too soon to be putting him first in her life....I doubt she ever git to a point where she considered him an exclusive bf.
I don't know what it's like in your world, but if you've just started dating someone a few months ago, that relationship SHOULD be a priority to you. Should people casually date for a full year before they consider themselves "exclusive?" Not in my world, buddy. If my new girlfriend didn't have me as a priority or felt we were even exclusive, I'd drop that btch like a hot potato.

We seem to be at a consensus that dude needs to drop this gal, but some of you think the guy is being needy and clingy. I disagree. The woman is being inconsiderate and needs to understand she's in a relationship with someone.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#16
Jul 3, 2013
 

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edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't know what it's like in your world, but if you've just started dating someone a few months ago, that relationship SHOULD be a priority to you. Should people casually date for a full year before they consider themselves "exclusive?" Not in my world, buddy. If my new girlfriend didn't have me as a priority or felt we were even exclusive, I'd drop that btch like a hot potato.
We seem to be at a consensus that dude needs to drop this gal, but some of you think the guy is being needy and clingy. I disagree. The woman is being inconsiderate and needs to understand she's in a relationship with someone.
And how quickly do you consider her your exclusive girlfriend ? You might be 'dumping' someone who never viewed you as a bf to begin with?

And while you say this chick needs to understand she's on a relationship, I say this dude likely needs to understand he's NOT in a relationship.
Stina

Ronkonkoma, NY

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#17
Jul 3, 2013
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> And how quickly do you consider her your exclusive girlfriend ? You might be 'dumping' someone who never viewed you as a bf to begin with?
And while you say this chick needs to understand she's on a relationship, I say this dude likely needs to understand he's NOT in a relationship.
I certainly think that after a few months you'd consider it exclusive.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#18
Jul 3, 2013
 

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My experience is 30+ years ago, but I was casually dating someone else, possible 2 someones when I met my husband. I seem to recall it was about 3 months when I told the other guy that I was seriously "seeing" someone else.

But saying you'll be late and not showing up or calling for hours without a specific good reason is a strong signal. It escapes being called rude because she did at least call and didn't stand him up.

Since: Jan 10

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#19
Jul 3, 2013
 

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PEllen wrote:
My experience is 30+ years ago, but I was casually dating someone else, possible 2 someones when I met my husband. I seem to recall it was about 3 months when I told the other guy that I was seriously "seeing" someone else.
But saying you'll be late and not showing up or calling for hours without a specific good reason is a strong signal. It escapes being called rude because she did at least call and didn't stand him up.
I agree. And if you're blowing off the guy at the stage where you should most likely be kind of ga ga over him, what are you going to do 5 years later? Treat him even worse?

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#20
Jul 3, 2013
 

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Stina wrote:
<quoted text>
I certainly think that after a few months you'd consider it exclusive.
only if you've been exvlusive for those few months. She does not sound like he's a priority. I get the picture that she sees hom when she's free. Maybe when she's not free, she's out with someone else.

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